God and Blood Pressure

His blood pressure was higher than it had ever been. There had been no changes in his medications nor any changes in his overall health, so I asked him if there were any life situations that might be impacting his stress levels.

“I am under a lot of stress right now,” he said. “I am going to be retiring next month and I am really worried about it.”

He was 70 years old and his career as a salesman had been successful. As his retirement seemed both earned and due, I asked what about his exit from the workforce he was worried about. The main source of stress for him was a common one for men in his circumstances. He did not know what he was going to do with himself. He had always lived a life of purpose, but his purpose had always been work-centric. Without work he had no goals, no objectives, no goal for which he could strive.

“Are you a religious person?” I asked, “are you a part of a faith community?” I explained that many people find purpose in serving others. As a man of character and integrity it seemed that mentoring others might be something he could do.

To my surprise he seemed less interested in my mentoring suggestion than he did in my question about faith, for this was what he addressed in his response. “I have never been into organized religion,” he explained, “but I am a very spiritual person.” He shared that he had been raised Jewish but that he was “very interested in Jesus of Nazareth” and that he had been to the Holy Land several times. He spoke of being in Galilee and on the mount where Jesus’ gave the Sermon on the Mount and other meaningful moments from his travels.

I wish he had not arrived late for his appointment that day, for this was one of those “non-medical” conversational detours that I wish I could have followed further. I could not continue the conversation further, but this did not keep me from later wondering if there wasn’t a connection between his fear of retirement and his non-specific faith. When he spoke of “God” he spoke of a “being”, but not of a person, of someone who was “there” but not of someone who was near. His faith was a hope for something but did not include a belief in a specific something or someone. It seemed his faith lacked definition and as a result lacked purpose. He did not have a specific “who” or “what” kind of faith and as a result he did not have a “why” for the rest of his life.

His blood pressure revealed that lack of purpose and meaning is not without consequences. His readings had previously been normal, it was only when retirement became real that they started to rise. There is comfort in having an understanding of our place in life, and of our place in the next one, and unease and stress associated with lacking a sense of who we are and where we are going.

His concerns reminded  me of a common Christian saying, “I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.” There is peace in knowing that God has a purpose, even when his purposes are not known. Peace it seems, and for some perhaps, lower blood pressure!

-          Bart

Thanks for reading and for sharing with others. Comments and questions are always welcomed. 

Men Need Men

We meet every Wednesday morning. We are of different ages, different backgrounds and different socioeconomic classes. Some of us are devout, others are still unsure about their faith. We are a diverse group, not all of us are married and our ages range from 28 to 64. We do not have much in common yet we come together each week with a shared agenda. We want to be better men.

We want to be better because we know we can be and we know we should be. We recognize that we are all messed up, all have problems, all have hang ups and issues. Most importantly we understand that we cannot become the men we need to be on our own. We have blind spots, prejudices and preconceptions, broken thinking that gets in the way, and keeps us from being the men we want to be. We need other men to help us.

We rise early once a week, drink coffee and discuss the struggles common to all men. We spent a month discussing anger, why we get mad, when we get mad and how we can learn to control our tempers. We have talked about women, but not in the way men often do. We talk about how we can be the type of men who respect women in our personal and professional lives. We talk about morality, honesty and integrity, and all of the barriers that make it hard to be good.

We laugh together, tease each other, challenge each other and encourage each other, week after week. As we do, a remarkable thing is happening. We are changing. Tempers are coming under control, goals are being adjusted, and definitions of manhood are changing. Friendships have developed and are growing. 

Also growing is the realization of how much men need other men. Many of us did not have strong fathers, most of us have not had many deep male friendships. All of us are seeing that we need each other and that we are better because we meet.

It is one of the most significant things I have ever done. I have been a doctor for 28 years and been actively involved in church ministry for nearly as long. I cannot think of a single thing I have done that has been as consistently powerful and meaningful. Men need men, and it is a privilege to bring men together.

Bart

If you are a man interested in meeting with other men, send me a message. If you know a man who might be interested, send them a message. We weren't meant to fight these battles alone.

Dogs, Squirrels, and a Wasted Life

Sadie on Squirrel Guard Duty

My dog is obsessed with squirrels. I realize all dogs are, but she has taken things to a different level. She has dialed her squirrel intensity up to 11. Her walks are less about exercise and more about squirrel hunting. Her eyes continuously scan the environment looking for the flicking tail or bounding scamper of her prey. So intent is she that she remembers the location of every previous squirrel sighting so she can return to it on following days. As she approaches the sites of previous encounters her body tenses and quivers and she strains against her leash, muscles taut, ready to launch into the chase should the animal reappear.

Lately her squirrel problem has become our problem. There seems to be a somnambulatory one that likes to traverse our back fence in the middle of the night. Our sleep is often interrupted by the sound of our dogs jumping to their feet, sprinting down the hall, and bursting through the doggy door in response to the sound of the squirrel invader.

Things have escalated. We are now at SquirrelCon 4. It seems that this squirrely night walker has now taken up residence in our neighbor’s yard. As far as Sadie is concerned this is an evil that cannot stand. She is perpetually on the lookout for it, spending hours on guard duty staring through a crack in the fence. She will not rest until her furry enemy enters its final rest. The squirrel’s death is now her primary reason for living.

As I watched her watching the fence this morning I laughed at the absurdity of her doggy behavior. The squirrel was impossibly out of her reach. There was nothing she could do to get to it, yet she gave it all of her attention.

This behavior is funny in a dog, but it is tragic for people. Looking at her I thought about the hours, days and years I have similarly wasted focusing on things that were unobtainable and out of reach. I thought of the time I spent wishing my father would realize disowning me was a mistake and hoping my mom would become sober. I recalled patient behavior I could not change, professional recognition I could not gain, and relationship problems I could not solve. I had so many thoughts about so many things I couldn’t change.  It seems that wasted attention is not merely a canine problem.

What is sad about futile attention is that it always has a cost. When we focus on the unobtainable we turn away from blessings that are within our reach. Time spent trying to change patients who were set in their ways is time I could have spent helping others who would have benefitted from my attention. Hours of thinking and planning on how I could get people to appreciate me are hours I could have spent in quality moments with the family and friends who already loved me and appreciated me.

How much better would all of our lives be if we learned this lesson. It is time to focus on the good we can do, the love we can share and the lives we can touch, and not on those things beyond our reach.

It is time to be smarter than my dog.

Bart

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The Wealth of a Poor Young Man

Money was tight. He had left a job that met his financial needs because there was no opportunity for advancement, and instead took a job with the promise of a future, getting hired on as an apprentice electrician. Sadly, the contractor’s promises of work proved empty and within a month he found himself working only a few days a week and struggling to make ends meet. To make matters worse the physical nature of the job caused an old back injury flared. He was left wondering if his body would be able to tolerate the demands of an electrical career. Injured backs and pulling cable through tight spaces don't mix.

He is only 27, he has very little money and an uncertain future, yet he is one of the most impressive young men I have met. He is poor, but he has something most men lack. He has values. He is looking not for material wealth or pleasure, but for a job that will one day provide for his family. The mere fact that he wants a family to provide for is unique among men his age. He has no interest in casual sex or one night stands. He is looking for commitment, for a woman to marry.

In spite of his financial challenges he talks little about the things he lacks, or about things he wants to do our buy. He prefers to talk about the people he loves and cares about. Relationships matter to him, and he speaks proudly of his younger brother and his mother and what they mean to him. He is poor but still thinks of the needs of others. He recently moved into a new apartment, and when his parents offered to buy him a new living room set he refused to consider expensive furniture. He walked out of the high priced store store they had taken him to and chose instead to go to a discount store. He did not want them to waste money.

He is a man of faith. He is active in his church, and the ability to have Sundays off was a major factor in his decision to change jobs. He has meaningful relationships with people in the church and participates in a small group every Thursday night.

He has had a difficult life but he is not bitter. His father died of leukemia 7 years ago, a loss that could have made him angry at God and the world. His faith remains strong and his belief in the goodness of God has endured. He has embraced his mother’s new husband, rejoicing in her happiness and welcoming the man into his life.

He is a former patient who has become a friend, and we get together every once in a while over breakfast. When we talk I often think of the many other men his age I have met over the years, men with better pedigrees, engineers, lawyers, medical students and other professionals. So many of them are chasing wealth, prestige and pleasure. Although he is less successful in a worldly sense he stands out for the things he has that others lack- purpose, peace, and character. He is rich in the things that matter, a reminder that there are still good young men in this world.

- Bart

Thanks for reading and sharing. You can follow me on Twitter @bartbarrettmd or subscribe to the blog to receive future posts. 

Where Do Perverts Come from?

Based on recent revelations in the media I have come to the conclusion that I have been living under a rock for several decades. I had no idea there were so many disgusting men in the world. I was not so foolish as to think there were no disgusting men, it is impossible to have observed the 2016 Presidential election without admitting the existence of such beasts, but I thought perverts were incredibly rare. Like white whales, Halley’s comet and $10,000 lottery tickets, I never expected to encounter one.

I am realizing that episodes of sexual harassment are more like serious car accidents. The fact that I may never experience one does not mean they don’t happen every day.

Just this week a patient shared with me her stories (sadly she had more than one). When she was a young single mother she worked in a high level sales job. One afternoon her boss asked her to join him on some late customer visits. She initially declined due to child care needs but when he offered to pay the cost of a sitter for the evening she reluctantly agreed. The clients were among their most important and she felt she needed to go. The sales calls were uneventful, but ended after 7 PM  so she accepted his invitation to join him for dinner. At the conclusion of the meal he surprised her by invitingly saying, “I have a room here in this hotel.” She was stunned. She was not that kind of girl and she did not think it was that kind of dinner. She told him she needed to go home to her children and wanted to be driven back to her car, right then. She was let go from the job in a matter of weeks.

Later in life she worked in a CPA firm. She was an up and coming accountant in a the firm working the required hours so she could become a CPA herself. There were two senior partners in the small office, one of whom had a habit of standing next to her when she was at the copy machine. He would frequently stand close enough that he could rub his leg up against hers. Any thoughts that this was incidental contact were proven false on the occasion he slid his hand along her thigh. She was mortified, but he was a senior partner and she was desperate for the job. She said nothing.

Hearing her story, and reading the stories of others, I find myself wondering, “How does his happen?” What happens in the mind of a man that leads him to conclude that such behavior is acceptable? Some form of perverse rationalization must be going on. Very few people are so evil as to think, “I know this is a terrible and perverse act, but I am going to do it anyway.” Something is happening in the twisted minds of bad men that leads them to think it is okay for them to do what they are doing.

We see this in the lame “apologies” of some of those whose perverse behavior has come to light. Charlie Rose’s statement that he thought there was “consensual” interest would be laughable if it was not so pathetic. (Sorry, Charlie, no one wanted to see your wrinkly old body naked.)

How is it that otherwise intelligent men can reach such idiotic conclusions about how they can and should interact with women? I have a few thoughts.

-          They have no moral goals. They have personal goals and financial goals and sexual goals, but they do not strive for moral excellence. Men who strive to be honorable, respectable, good and kind men do not harass others.

-          They do not see women for who they truly are, individuals created in the image of God. Men who view women as Daughters of the King will be more likely to treat women as royalty. I doubt Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer or Charlie Rose would have dared to disrobe in front of the Queen of England. Good men know that all women are equal in value to the Queen and act accordingly. 

-          They do not cultivate attitudes of respect and honor towards women. Herein lies one of the dark consequences of the pornography epidemic. It should come as no surprise that a nation in which 61 percent of male college graduates report recent pornography use has a surplus of perverts. Men who desire to develop positive attitudes about women will avoid seeing women objectified and degraded. Good men avoid porn, knowing that normal women do not look like or act like the women in those images. Good men work to develop healthy, positive thoughts about women.

-          They get away with it. This is the saddest aspect of the story. We live in a world where profit is more important than people. Donald Trump was right. If you are a celebrity you can grab women and get away with it. Bad behavior needs to have consequences. If there is anything good about all the recent revelations it is that negative consequences are finally becoming a reality.

In these reasons for perversion we find the solutions to the problem as well. Men need to be trained in how to be better men. Leaders in business, faith and society need to set examples for others to follow. The Apostle Paul said it well in his instructions to his friend Timothy when he told him “in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.”

I am working on this with some men I know. I recently started a weekly men’s group. The goal of the group is simple- We are men meeting together to help each other be better men. We recently spent an hour talking about what it means to honor our wives and other women. We talked about appropriate speech and conduct, about respect and kindness. One of the points we made is that if we are focused on being the best men we can be and if we are striving to treat women with honor and respect, there will be no room in our lives for abuse or harassment.

I cannot speak for the rest of society, but these men and I are working to make our world a better place. We know that change begins with us. Although none of us can change the world on our own, we know we can all impact our corner of it.

Bart

Thanks for reading and sharing. If any men in the Huntington Beach area are interested in starting or joining a men’s group focused on being better men, godly men, feel free to contact me.