5 principles for parenting a teenager

I see a lot of teenagers for sports physicals. When I do, the actual physical exam only takes about 5 minutes. Most of the visit is conversation about the things that are most likely to threaten the health of an adolescent- sex, drugs, alcohol, smoking and depression.

At a recent appointment, I asked a young girl whether she had become sexually active. When she said, “no,” I asked a follow up question.

“What are you beliefs about sex? Is it something that should wait until marriage or until you have been in a relationship a while?'

I could tell she had not intentionally thought about it before. She replied she wasn't sure, but she knew she wanted to wait a while. I shared my common counsel- if you don't want to have sex, don't be in a place where sex can happen! If you are alone in the living room with a boy and no one is at home, sex can happen. If you parents are there in the living room watching TV, not so much!

We then talked about alcohol and drugs. She did not drink or use, but some of her friends did. She seemed surprised when I suggested she consider finding new friends. I explained that while she may think that she would never do those things, if she had a really bad day someday where she failed a test, broke up with a boyfriend and her dog died, that she might not be as strong in her convictions when a “friend” said, “Try this, it will make you feel better!” I shared with a smile that if she didn't have friends who used, this couldn't happen. Her response told me my words stimulated some new thoughts about how to arrange her life.

Reflecting on conversations such as this one reminded me of the principles my wife and I used as our kids were growing up, rules that worked well as we tried to raise children with values and who loved God.

1- Teach values before rules

In our home we spent a lot of time talking about what we believed and who we wanted to be. We first talked about where we wanted to go in life, then we talked about how to get there. Instead of simply telling kids not to have sex before marriage, we taught our children that being moral was a core value. If children want to be moral, rules become tools and guides helping them be who they want to be instead of arbitrary limits on their behavior.

2- Spent a lot of time with your kids talking about life

When my daughter was 8 we started going out to breakfast together every Saturday morning. She loved the cinnamon roll french toast, I loved the conversation. We talked about her week, her friends, her favorite TV shows, whatever she wanted to talk about. As we did, opportunities arose for me to apply biblical truth to her life and encourage her and praise her. These times laid a foundation for future conversations.

3- Have a plan

When our kids were going to birthday parties and sleepovers, we had discussions about what to do if things went south. We had a plan of how to respond if there was alcohol, or if the parents left. These plans became the standard.

4- Set the example.

This truth seems obvious, but many parents fail to embrace it. As much as possible, we follow the standards that we set for our children. We check the content of movies before we see them. If there is nudity, we don't go. We turn the channel when a TV show gets inappropriate. We talk about making a stand in our workplace and in our personal relationships, and share stories about it when we do. Our children have seen us live out what we believe and have seen it work in our lives. It adds immeasurable credibility to our words.

5- Start young!

It is really hard to start parenting when your child is 16. Begin instilling values at a young age. When our daughter was 11 she became best friends with a girl in the neighborhood whose family did not share our values. We talked often about how, when they reached high school those differences could impact their friendship, preparing her to make a stand for what she believed in. Sadly, this did occur, but our discussions had prepared her, and difficult as it was she was able to stand firm in her convictions.

A lesson on being selfless...from Barney

Taught the 5th and 6th grader Sunday School lesson recently. The lesson was from the book of Acts about Paul and Barnabas, the great evangelistic apostle and his partner. The emphasis of the lesson was supposed to be on everyone playing their part, how we all have a purpose, which is true. But something else about Barnabas really struck me- he thought of other people first. Instead of protecting his turf and asserting his position, he seemed to be deeply concerned about making sure other people fulfilled their calling.

When Paul came to Jerusalem, the leaders were afraid to welcome him, fearful of the murderous Pharisee he had been. Barnabas bridged the gap, literally grabbing Paul and bringing him in to the fellowship and vouching for him. Years later, when Barnabas was sent north to the city of Antioch to encourage the new church there, it seems that shortly after his arrival he realized that what they needed was a depth of teaching that he couldn't give. So he walked over 400 miles round trip to the city Tarsus to fetch Paul!

Barnabas did not seem to mind that Paul was more talented than he was as a speaker or teacher, did not seem to care about who did the job or got the glory. He just wanted to see the Lord's work done.

Makes me think- there are not too many Barnabases running around today. We seem to be mostly concerned about our own gifts and our own place, about how we can perform a task. I wonder how the church would be different if we were more concerned with helping other people achieve their potential than we were about making names for ourselves.

I can say with confidence that I am nothing like Barnabas in this regard. I need to do a better job of caring about making sure others have a place than I am about protecting mine.

When the truth hurts, trust builds

We got away with a mistake. A baby came in for his first visit. He was 4 days old and had been home for 2 days. And he was yellow. Really yellow. Put a chiquita sticker on that kid yellow. I sent him to the hospital lab to get a bilirubin level drawn (bilirubin is what causes jaundice. At too high of a level brain damage is possible.)

Every other time I have done this I have instructed the parents to call me if they did not hear a result in 2 hours. This time I didn't. When the results came back 2 hours later, my receptionist, instead of notifying me of the lab's phone call telling me the level was very high, just put the lab results in my inbox.

Since we are an electronic office, my paper inbox is the last thing I look at. On this day I rushed to an evening meeting and did not see the results until I came in the next morning. When I saw the results I was worried and upset. Worried because the child had not been treated in 20 hours, upset because I could not believe the lab had not called me. I asked my staff to call the mom every 30 minutes until we got a hold of her so she could take the baby in for treatment.

My receptionist could have remained silent, and allowed the lab to take the blame. I would have never known. While I was blaming myself for not asking the parents to call back, she spoke up and said that it was her fault, that the lab had called and she had not notified me as she should have.

I was touched by her honesty, and her character.

I did not beat her up over the mistake as I was pretty sure she would beat herself up pretty well on her own.

I did wonder how many people would have been as forthright. Telling the truth when the truth has consequences displays character that is all to rare, but it builds trust that endures.

When it was all over I was left with a healthy patient whose bilirubin had normalized and a healthy respect for my receptionist.

Lessons from a "normal" 18 year-old

Apparently I am naïve. I was recently informed that all 18 year-olds drink alcohol, and that getting inebriated 3-4 times a week is perfectly normal behavior. The individual educating me in this regard was somewhat of an expert on the subject, (if expertise is defined as being an 18 year-old who gets drunk 3-4 times a week- as opposed to the expertise acquired via 12 years of advanced training and 20 years of medical practice!)

I was particularly saddened by the cultural value this young person expressed. That belief that “common” and “normal” mean the same thing. Further, that “normal” means acceptable. I challenged her position with simple statement- “You can do better.”

It is easy to mock her positions as absurd, but I wonder if we all don't apply her logic at times. If “everyone” does something, we feel less guilty, more accepting of our actions. Men who regularly view pornography, women who complain about their husbands, people who spend money they don't have on things they don't need- can all be tempted to say “I'm not that bad, everyone does it.” The truth usually is that not everyone does, and even if they do, that is not the standard we should set. Instead of justifying our bad behaviors, we all need to ask ourselves, “can I do better?”

Can't we all? Shouldn't we all? We need to resist the temptation to justify ourselves by comparing ourselves to others. The Bible actually says that God demands the opposite from His people, “Be Holy, for I am Holy” scripture declares. “Holy” means distinct, separate, different. Our standards should be higher than those around us, our behavior should set us apart. Let's stop acting like average is okay and instead ask God to show us each day how we can be better, how we can be different, how we can be more like Him.

New, and anxious

She was new. It was her first visit in my office, her first time seeing any doctor since she had moved to California 4 months ago. Truthfully, she should have come much sooner, for her problem had been going on for quite some time.

She suffered from a pretty severe case of anxiety disorder which, when combined with panic, depression, three children and some OCD added up to more than most people can handle.

The diagnosis was easy, more of me confirming what she knew to be true rather than solving a dilemma. The treatment decisions were pretty easy as well, as it really didn't matter which flavor of prozac-like medication I chose. The biggest challenge was getting her to believe that she would be okay, that normalcy was a possibility.

Since all she knew about me was that I had decent Yelp reviews, I felt it appropriate to give her a better basis for confidence in my recommendations. I briefly shared with her that I have experienced many of the same symptoms, and the same diagnosis. I have had anxiety and panic disorder for several years.

I then shared something else, something I pray hit home. I shared my belief as a Christian that we are all broken in some way. Every one of us. We all need help. And I shared that according to the Apostle Paul, God's plan is that we help each other, or as he put it, “We are to bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.”

I was not surprised to learn that she was lacking such support in her life, that she was not part of any community of people who could love and encourage her. We talked about where she might find this support, and I encouraged her to consider checking out a local church, because a group of people who would care about her and pray for her could only be a good thing.

I told her to see me in a week, and to call me if she needed me before then. I then gave her a hug when she left. (Which may have been the best medicine I gave her) We too often forget the power of a touch, the impact of truly caring about someone. She reminded me of how much we all need that at times.