5 lessons from Phil Robertson's GQ Interview

I do not know much about Duck Dynasty, having only seen one episode. My initial impression was that guys that wealthy should be able to afford a haircut and a straight razor. Other than that they seemed to be good guys from a traditional family who shared a common love for God, fun and killing ducks.

I paid more attention to the Robertson family this week after reading about the “controversy” over remarks made by Phil Robertson, the patriarch of the family. I am either to smart or too ignorant to wade into the specifics of the remarks and the response, but believe I have learned a few lessons (5 to be exact) from the story that are valuable to those of faith-

1- Be careful who you talk to. Phil gave an interview to a reporter from GQ, a secular magazine with a decidedly secular world view. Reading the interview it is clear that the author is neither a person of faith nor a person with deeply held traditional values (the article is peppered with profanity.) The writer spent hours with the Robertsons and included only a handful of significant quotes. Giving that much time to a reporter antagonistic to your views is almost certain to result in your quotes being cherry-picked in support of the writer's agenda.

2- Be careful what you say. Think before you speak, and choose words carefully. When it comes to controversial subjects, have a prepared response that has been prayed about, reviewed by others you trust and committed to memory. If you do not have a prepared response, don't give one. There is no shame in saying, "While I have feelings on the issue, I want to be careful in my response. Let's come back to that later." Phil's responses were more inarticulate than incorrect. Caution may have prevented some of the backlash.

3- Address your remarks to the audience. GQ is not a magazine that targets men of faith. It's readers are mostly secular in their worldview. Many aspects of the Christian faith that are commonly understood by believers are completely foreign to those with an unchurched background. Many of those reading Phil's words do not even believe in God at all, and many that do may still consider the Bible to no more than a fable or a fairy tale. Words such as sin, salvation, and repentance may as well be in a foreign language. We need to address the audience at their level of understanding. A perfect example of this is the Apostle Paul's address to Greek Philosophers in Acts 17. Read the passage and you will note that this great evangelist never uses the name of Jesus and does not quote a single passage of scripture! He does however make reference to Greek gods, poets and philosophers.

4- Stay focused on the message. As Paul declared in his Acts 17 sermon, our root problem is that we reject God's ways and choose to live according to our own rules instead. There are consequences to that rebellion, which is why Jesus came. People love to start arguments over hot button issues such as abortion and gay marriage. Resist the temptation to debate moral issues apart from agreement on God's established moral law. When asked what we think about a specific issue or behavior a good response is, "We are all broken and we all have chosen our way over God's in one way or the other. Every one manifests their brokenness differently, but we all share the same root problem." Every sinful behavior is a manifestation of an attitude that declares that our thoughts, feelings and desires are more important than what God has set forth.

5- Remember- you don't have to declare the whole gospel to every person every time. Say as little as needed and as much as can be received. We don't convince or convert anybody. That is God's job. If you go back to Acts 17 you will see the outcome of Paul's remarkable message- "a few believed".

We live in a world that is increasingly hostile to the Christian faith.We need to proceed with caution, heeding the exhortation of Paul in Colossians 4 - "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

6 things you know that your doctor doesn't

We doctors may be intelligent but we are not always smart. Some things that are obvious and well known to our patients completely escape us. Here are some important things you know that we probably don't.

1- Our explanations are so confusing that you have no idea what we are talking about.

We think you understand us, but we are often wrong. We are so accustomed to using big words and medical terms that we can talk for 10 minutes and not say anything that makes sense. I recently observed a student interview a young patient about migraines. She asked, "Do you have an aura?" The patient replied, "No." I then asked the patient if he knew what an aura was- "Nope!" He had no idea! This kind of  poor communication is common. Tell us when you don't understand. You deserve an answer that makes sense.

2-How much your medication costs.

Medication costs vary widely and many doctors have no idea how expensive a prescription is. I have seen patients pay $115 for a prescription at a major chain pharmacy that could be purchased for $10 at a discount store. I have also seen dermatologists prescribe an expensive brand name acne antibiotic instead of a generic version of the same medication. The difference in cost- $900 a month! The dermatologists had no clue! Tell your doctor when your medication is expensive and ask for other options.

3- How rude or nice the office staff is.

Doctors are often very poor business managers. They are frequently unaware of the customer service provided by their staff. They probably don't know how long you were on hold, how abrupt the staff was when you arrived, are how long you waited before your needs were addressed. Before leaving and finding another doctor (with equally rude staff), let your doctor know how you are treated.

4- Your Name

This one is embarrassing. I frequently encounter patients while out at the movies or shopping. Many times I am better at remembering diagnoses and medications than I am a patient's name! On more than one occasion I have made my wife hurry down a different store aisle to avoid seeing a patient whose name I could not recall! Be kind and reintroduce yourself!

5- What your insurance covers

Most doctors contract with multiple insurance plans, all of which have different rules, provider networks and conditions for coverage. We just can't keep up with it all. You may be more likely to know which lab to use, what hospital to go to or what your co-payment is than we are. It is wise to confirm with your doctor or insurer before getting tests or X-rays done or before seeing a specialist.

6- How worried and frightened you are

We deal with illness every day. You don't. As a result we may forget how frightened you are of a serious diagnosis. We sometimes say things like, "We want to make sure it isn't cancer," and think we are being reassuring. What the patient hears is-"You might have cancer!" Fear and panic may set in. Cancer may be low on the list and we may just be being thorough, but our words cause needless worry. If you are worried or fearful, tell us! 

 We are doctors and we are educated, but we are still people, with all of the limitations that come with being human. Communication is a common weakness. Our patients are uniquely equipped to help us do better, because you know things we don't!

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Is your church as good as a bar?

A bar is the place to be. Well, it is according to country music.

Tuned into a country music station the other day and caught the first few lines of the Toby Keith song “I Love this Bar.” The song describes a friendly place where all are welcome and accepted. As I listened the thought occurred to me- If we changed the word "bar" to church, would the song still make sense? 

We got winners, we got losers
Chain smokers and boozers
And we got yuppies, we got bikers
We got thirsty hitchhikers

And the girls next door dress up like movie stars
I love this bar (church)

We got cowboys, we got truckers
Broken-hearted fools and suckers
And we got hustlers, we got fighters
Early-birds and all-nighters

And the veterans talk about their battle scars
I love this bar (church)

I love this bar (church)
It's my kind of place
Just walkin' through the front door
Puts a big smile on my face

It ain't too far, come as you are
I love this bar (church)

I've seen short skirts, we got high-techs
Blue-collared boys and rednecks
And we got lovers, lots of lookers
I've even seen dancing girls and hookers

Just wondering...

The Key to avoiding conflict in your marriage

Ever wonder why you fight? A recent patient interaction illustrates a common reason-

The visit was for a physical. His form stated his marital status as “divorced” so I asked him about it. They had been married for 26 years. It had not always been wonderful, but he thought they were making progress. A few months prior to the visit he went for a week long trip, and when he returned she was gone, packed up and moved back in with her parents. No real reason as far as he could tell. They had discussed “it” many times, yet he still wasn't sure what had happened.

I wasn't sure how to help him understand, so I simply did what Family Doctors are trained to do. We are taught that common things occur commonly, so I looked for a common cause of "unexplained" conflict. Frequently, sudden decisions are emotional decisions, so I ventured a guess- maybe she just felt really unhappy and didn't know why.

 “Some people are very emotional, and just feel things," I said, "the feeling is so strong that they just believe it,  and then afterwards work to develop an explanation for the feeling. If you try to rationally show them why their explanation doesn't make sense, they may not be able to let go of the feeling. Instead they will just come up with another explanation, and then another.  Since they feel it so strongly, they are sure it must be true. Maybe she just felt really unhappy, and you were blamed.”

“THAT'S IT! YOU NAILED IT!” He replied.

While diagnosing the cause of the conflict was easy, providing a cure for such conflicts is not. How do you deal with conflict that is based in emotions? The key is to realize it is an emotional conflict and to learn that emotions can't always be trusted.

A question I often ask people who seem to be driven by emotions in this- “Is it possible to feel something strongly and believe something deeply and be wrong?” Almost everyone answers "yes," but then is stumped by the follow up question, “So how do you know when you are right?” If we can't trust our feelings, what do we trust?

Stories such as this patient's lead to me to reflect on my own marriage and how we have been able to avoid such conflicts. I think it might be because as people of faith we believe that our own thoughts and emotions are inherently flawed and untrustworthy. We naturally question our feelings and measure them by an external standard. (As Christians, it the teachings of the Bible that provide us with a standard.)

For people who have no such external compass, no standard by which their thoughts can be measured, resolution is much more difficult. When spouses disagree it devolves into an argument about which person is “right” and which person is “wrong.” The dispute is either “won” by the better debater, or by the person whose feelings are the strongest. Most often, no one wins and the conflict is never fully resolved.

Personally, I have learned that when I start from a place of "Maybe feelings are wrong," agreement is less elusive, and arguments and conflict can be avoided. (Of course if I start with “I am wrong and she is right” there is no argument at all!) Next time you have a conflict, don't automatically trust your feelings. Question your emotions, and challenge your thoughts. You may be surprised.

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8 Memorable Christmas Gifts

The gifts we remember the longest are not always the best or the most expensive. It is the gifts that create memories, the gifts that are a part of a story that endure. With that definition in mind, here are some of the most memorable gifts I gave or received-

1- A blue 3-speed bike, with a basket. The gift embodies my childhood. My older brother got a 10-speed, the ultimately cool bike of that era, and my twin and I got 3-speeds with a basket. It's good I was too young for a man card, for a bike with a basket would have resulted in instant revocation. To add insult to injury, on the inaugural ride later that morning I didn't pay attention to where I was going and crashed into the neighbor's camper and damaged the bike.

2- A ukelele. There is nothing wrong with a ukelele- I just didn't want one. At All. I had been taking banjo lessons, so somehow my father concluded that I would like a ukelele. Uh... no. It is reminds me how, as a child of divorce, my father did not know me very well at all. (He apparently knew my twin brother who got a totally awesome catcher's mitt! But I am not jealous...)

3- A table-top Pac-man video game. A gift from Lisa our first Christmas together. I played it for hours. It is a part of one of our favorite memories, as I took it (and a large container of her awesome Christmas sugar cookies) with us on a weekend trip to Big Bear. We stayed in a rickety cabin, it snowed, and we found a secluded hill where we inner tubed in the fresh snowfall. Best. First. Christmas. Ever.

4- Stinky golf-ball Christmas ornaments, emblazoned with cheesy golf cliches. I am not making this one up. My mother, who I rarely saw, came by my office unannounced to drop off the “gift”. The packaging reeked of smoke, and the ornaments were not suitable for any sane person's Christmas tree. A symbol of my relationship with my my mother, wrapped in a bow.

5- A Jane Fonda workout tape. I actually gave this to Lisa. What kind of an idiot is so stupid as to give his wife a workout tape for Christmas? This kind of idiot.

6- A photo mug. Lisa took 6 year-old Nate and one year-old Jamie shopping at the mall. They posed for one of those “put your photo on a mug” mugs to give me as a gift. Nate was so excited. He burst through the door when they got home, loudly proclaiming, “Daddy, we got you a mu-,” before realizing he wasn't supposed to say anything! We still laugh at this one.

7- Puff paint T-shirts. We were tight on money in 1989. It was my last year in medical school, and Lisa was 8 months pregnant. We set ourselves a limit of $25 to spend on each other, so I bought T-shirts and a Teddy Bear stencil. I painted bears on the shirts, one for each of us, and wrote the words “Baby Barrett”, “Mommy Barrett” and “Daddy Barrett” on the t-shirts. The shirts were a big hit. It was not then, nor is it now, about the money.

8- A bat handle hat rack. In 2004 I moved into my new office. Each room has a theme, and for the baseball room I wanted a baseball bat hat rack. I had seen one online and thought it would be awesome. I put it on my list. My father-in-law couldn't find one to buy online, so he made one. He went to a bat factory and bought broken bats for two of the handles, and then made two bat handles on his lathe. It was perfect. He was like that. He made things for the people he loved, and he made it clear then that he loved me. It was the last Christmas I shared with him (he died 4 months later) but the gift and the memory remain.

These are some of my memories, I would love to hear yours. Here is praying that your Christmas will be filled with wonderful stories and happy memories, but most of all that you will remember the greatest Gift of all, the Savior who was born.

Got any gift stories? Share them in the comments!