Answers to Questions about Disciplining a Child

Being a parent is hard. Kids don"t come with instructions, a warranty or a return policy. Almost always they are raised by people who feel completely incapable of successful parenting. They want to raise happy, well adjusted and well behaved children but frequently find themselves with offspring who are anything but. What can they do?

Children need discipline, but in my experience most parents are ill informed about why, when and how to apply it. Since I have had hundreds of conversations on the subject over 20 years of medical practice, it seems appropriate to share some of the answers to discipline questions I have been asked over the years.

Question- When should we start disciplining our child?

Answer- When your child starts to do something, stops and looks to see if you are watching and then does it anyway, they are ready for discipline! Children vary developmentally but this usually happens by age one.

Question- Why should I discipline a child? (okay, so no one ever really asked this question specifically, but I have encountered a LOT of parents who needed to,hear the answer.)

Answer- Children are not naturally good. If left to themselves they will grow up to be selfish, disrespectful people who will struggle with relationships and authority. Don't believe me? Watch a young child for a while and you will see a child who has never been hit and never seen anyone be hit strike another 3 year-old who took his toy. It is in their nature.
Answer part 2- Discipline builds self esteem. How? Self esteem comes from knowing you are a good person. What do good people do? Good things and not bad things! Well established boundaries help a child know what good and bad are. This allows them to know when they are being good and then to feel good about it.

Question- What behaviors do we discipline?

Answer- Those that are rebellious or dangerous. Children need to be free to explore and express themselves without needless fear. A mom was in my office with her 2 year-old recently. The little girl wandered around the exam room playing with toys and opening cabinets. She opened the door on the changing table in the room, found a stack of diapers and took one out. The mom thought this was a learning opportunity and told the girl, "No! Put it back!" the daughter just stood there, and the mom repeated the command two more times before I interrupted.

"I wouldn't fight this battle," I said, "She is two and picked up a diaper. I would just take the diaper and put it back and be done with it." The girl had not done anything wrong and setting up the possibility of conflict made no sense. It is important to pick the appropriate battles.

Question- How do we discipline? Is it okay to spank?
Answer- Coming in a future blog post... :-)

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Someone You Know may have this Serious Disease...

It is my professional opinion that there is an epidemic in this country, an epidemic that has been ignored for far too long. The disease is widespread, afflicting a large number of goodhearted and kind people. If not diagnosed and treated it can lead to damaged relationships, isolation and stagnation. Sadly, most cases go unrecognized. The disease can affect all people but is most commonly seen in those in leadership or positions of authority. Parents, doctors and pastors are among those commonly afflicted.

The disease- Goodintentionitis. A disease where good intentions can result in bad behavior. There are two major symptoms of Goodintentionitis. There are secondary signs as well, but the diagnosis can be made when at least one of the major symptoms is present.

Major Symptom 1- Failure to follow up and follow through. In the early stages of the disease this takes on the appearance of forgetfulness, as people will "forget" to call when promised, or miss deadlines. An example of the early stages is when, at a meeting a someone says, "Let's discuss this again in a month." The month passes without any communication. Another example- someone says, “I will have this done for you next week.” A week goes by and nothing is said.
As the disease advances, failed follow up becomes more severe. Repeated emails are ignored and phone calls are not returned. I once expressed interest in returning to speak at a church where I thought I had been well received. My first inquiry was met with a response, "Send me your schedule and I will get back to you in a week." After two months I sent a follow up email, then another and another. It took 6 months to hear back. Similarly, I have seen physicians promise to submit a referral for a patient or investigate a problem for a patient, only to ignore the problem for weeks. The diagnosis in both cases- Goodintentionitis. Good people with good intentions failing to follow through.

Symptom 2- Broken or empty promises. More than just missing a meeting or not responding to inquiries, this aspect of the disease is particularly damaging to relationships. Managers will respond to a proposal, promising support or resources, and then do nothing. An employee (or volunteer) may expend hours of work and effort further developing an idea only to discover that the well meaning leader lacked the ability to follow through. While serving as a Medical Director at a large hospital almost every idea I presented to my supervisor was received with the words, “Great idea! We could do that!” The ideas were never supported. The supervisor was a good man who desired to achieve good things and had good intentions, which together led him to make promises that could not be kept.

What can we do about this disease? Below are some steps for those who desire to help their leaders deal with this illness.

1- Recognize the problem. Don't ignore it. Gently but firmly point out the symptoms when they appear. In private, address your leader, and say “I am not sure if you are aware, but many times people are let down because they expected a response and did not receive one.”
2- Address the symptoms immediately. When a leader proposes a deadline, ask if you can be the one to make sure follow up occurs. Contact the leader's secretary and make she he/she is aware of the need for follow up. For non confidential matters, consider cc'ng the secretary on your emails so they can assist in follow up. Most of all, do not simmer in silence. The passage of time makes it worse, and more difficult to deal with.
3- When promises are made, confirm and clarify them. Immediately. "Before I invest time in this project I want to be certain of your commitment. Can I hold you to this promise?"

4- Consider sharing this blog post with your leader. As with many illnesses, people think they suffer alone. When they realize there are many others in the same situation it may be easier to ask for help.

Finally- Stop and ask yourself if you might be suffering from this disease. If you are not sure, ask those around you, and then ask for help. I have learned that others are more than willing to hold me accountable if I ask. I often tell patients, “I will try and get back to you on this in a week. If you do not hear back from me, please remind me as I have a tendency to be forgetful at times.” On those occasions where I do need a reminder, patients are usually very gracious. They understand that Goodintentionitis only affects those with good intentions!

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Why have sex?

Parents may tell their children about sex, may even tell them to wait until marriage to do it. But very few do a good job of teaching their kids why to have sex. They need to.

While most people think about sex a lot, most people don't feel comfortable talking about it. Most people feel really uncomfortable discussing it with their children. The most awkward conversation in the world is when a parent sits their child down for the first time to have “the sex talk.” This is especially difficult for families that have worked to protect the innocence of their children. How do you discuss the act of intimacy with someone who does not yet know what the parts are, much less what the parts do?

I remember well when I had the conversation with my son. I did not want to have it but knew that the sex education instruction program at the school was approaching and felt it was up to me to make sure he heard it from me first.

As I prepared for the conversation I was struck by the fact that I needed to discuss more than basic anatomy and physiology. There is more to sexual intimacy than just the “what.” If I was going to teach my son, I needed to teach him the “why” as well. I realized in that moment how neglected this aspect of sexuality is within our culture and within the church. In spite of the neglect, I think the answer to the question, “Why have sex?” is crucial.

There are really only a few possible answers to the question, and taking them one by one provides significant insight.

Possible Answer 1- Pleasure. There is no argument that this is a primary motivation for many. But is it really the main reason? Is this why it exists? Is this a good motivation? I argue it isn't. There are many essential things in life that have pleasure as a secondary benefit. Eating and sleeping are good examples. The purpose of eating is not pleasure, it is nutrition. If people eat primarily for pleasure they will become obese and their health will be harmed. I think this is also true for sexual intimacy. It is pleasurable, but that is not its purpose. We miss its value if we believe this is all it is about.

Possible answer 2- Procreation. From the very beginning God instructed men and women to have children. Families are His idea. While sexual intimacy can lead to reproduction, I do not think this is its primary purpose. Think about it, if this was the primary purpose, then it would lose its value with age or infertility. Sex happens to be how babies are made, but it is not the main reason it was created.

Possible answer 3- The biblical answer. To create a bond of intimacy that unifies and unites one man with one woman for a life time. I have no doubt that this is the correct answer. It is declared in scripture that “a man would leave his parents and cleave to his wife and that the two would become one flesh.” Physical intimacy is intended to strengthen the bond. This is universally true and evidence for this is seen in societal responses to infidelity and in the increased intensity of emotions teens feel when they break up with someone with whom they were sexually involved. Pleasure and procreation are not negatively impacted by unfaithfulness or breakups, but intimacy and oneness are. Sex is about oneness.

It is my opinion that our culture has rejected this third answer and insisted that only the first two apply. The result is broken families, confusion about marriage and the decline of the institution in our society, along with a dramatic increase in pornography and perversion. Parents need to make sure that their children are taught differently, that they learn that sexual intimacy is a sacred gift from God that when honored and protected can form a powerful bond between a man and a woman. “Why” matters, and we owe to our children to tell them

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A Wonderful Lesson from a Boy who Drank Kerosene

Kids say the Darndest things. Some of the things they say can stick with you for a lifetime.

Several years ago a three year old boy who I had delivered was hospitalized for drinking kerosene. He had come across and an old lamp at his grandparents house a taken a swig. Since kerosene in the lungs can be a serious irritant, he was hospitalized for observation at a hospital near his grandparent's home. The following morning a doctor entered his hospital room. He introduced himself as Dr. Soandso and was taken aback at the little boy's angry response.

“You no my Docker! I want Docker Barrett!”

He knew who his doctor was, and it was NOT Dr. Soandso! He wanted me! When his mom told me the story it brought a smile to my face. I thought it was pretty cool that he was that attached to me!

Stories like this are why, when I was interviewed by my medical group for a recent ad campaign, my answer to the question-“What do you like most about being a doctor?”was, “The thought that there are people living their lives knowing that when they need a doctor, I will be there for them.”

I think there is little in life that is more important than being there when needed. Being there for our families, friends and our co-workers is a big deal. It is not always easy and it demands sacrifice, yet it is something God wants from all of us, and it is incredibly rewarding.

In whatever role we find ourselves. friend, parent, co-worker or confidant, let is all strive to set ourselves apart as the one person others will look to when a need arises.

6 Simple Rules when firing someone

As with so many things in life, when it comes to letting someone go there are right ways and wrong ways to handle the situation. As someone who has done it both ways, I have learned some things about how, and how not, to act when an employee is terminated.

I have been a “boss” for 20 years, first as the practice manager for a group of doctors, and for the last 11 years in my own practice. There are many blessings that come with being a boss- The relationships forged with employees, the ability to say, “Thank you” in tangible ways, and the ability to support these workers when they go through difficult times.

There are many blessings, but firing someone is definitely not one of them. It is one of the most agonizingly difficult aspects of being a Christian employer.

Even when the decision seems obvious, I still struggle and wrestle with questions-

How do I still show love as a Christian? Should I give a third, fourth or fifth chance?

When does grace toward one employee lead toward resentment in another?

When do additional chances become enabling bad behavior?

Do I follow the advice of HR experts and just say, “It's not working out?” or do I give more information to allow the employee to process what happened?

In order not to repeat mistakes I have made over the years, I try to apply a few basic principles to guide me when the time comes to let someone go-

1- Ask first- “Have I given this employee every opportunity to succeed?” Give them every chance you would want to be given.

2- Sleep on it- Don't impulsively make a decision that impacts someone's livelihood.

3- Avoid Anger- It has no place. It demeans them and diminishes you.

4- Be kind- There is no need to tear someone down. They just lost their job.

5- Avoid Gossip- With rare exception, when performance is poor, other people already know. If you have done your job well employees will know you did not make a rash decision.

6- Pray for the employee- Before and after you let them go. God's love for them has not changed, neither should yours.

20 years of being a boss and I still struggle. Which might be a good thing. Donald Trump makes it look way to easy-If it becomes easy, I might need to be concerned about myself!