Lisa and I met on a Friday. Feb 5th to be exact. I asked her out on Sunday the 7th (after unwittingly falling into her well laid trap, a story for another day.) First date- February 13th. Proposal the first week of March. Wedding- July 16th. A Wonderful Whirlwind.
If we were to tell you we knew exactly what we were doing, we would be lying. We were clueless in so many ways. But we did love each other, and we did love God. It seems so often this is not enough, as many Christian marriages fail. Why did we make it?
I can't be certain, but I think a big reason was our life goals. These were present when we met and haven't changed in over 30 years.
While I did not have any idea of my future vocation, I was sure of two things.
1- I wanted to be a godly husband
2- I wanted to be a godly father.
Lisa wanted to be a godly wife and mother. We both understood that these goals would require immense effort, would be elusive, and would require personal sacrifice. We were both committed to do whatever it took to achieve these goals.
And we did. We have swallowed pride, made apologies, asked for help, extended grace and sought forgiveness. We have put our kids and one another ahead of our own interests, and admitted it when we didn't. We have set God's Word as our authority, and subjected our wills to its correction.
And it worked.
We are best friends, soul mates and true partners.
Not too shabby for a clueless couple only 3 years out of High School when we met and got married!
What your anger says about you.
What really ticks you off? Over the years I have had anger triggered by a number of things from broken promises to broken automobiles. Most of the time my anger has been inappropriate and misplaced (sadly, this has almost always been recognized much later). Recently I was struck with the realization that a person's anger says a lot about them. More specifically, you can learn a lot about someone by looking at what makes them angry.
Years ago I had a morbidly obese patient come in for a minor ailment. I addressed that problem quickly and then took a moment to comment on her weight. “A more important issue for your long term health is your weight. How have you dealt with this in the past?”
I was trying to be gracious and kind, but did not want to ignore the problem. (Somehow the phrase “elephant in the room does not seem appropriate here...)
She was livid, “How dare you bring that up! That is not what I am here for!” followed by a longer rant. Her response said more about her than it did about me. She was embarrassed about her weight and her embarrassment took the form of misplaced anger.
An example of appropriate anger from a person of good character can be found in the New Testament book of Acts, chapter 17. The Apostle Paul was in Athens waiting for his friends to meet him. We see that Paul's spirit was “provoked within him as he saw the city was full of idols.” A close look at the original Greek language text makes it clear. Paul was ticked.
Paul was angry at idols, at false representations of deity. He was angry that people were being deceived into believing something that blinded them to the truth. He was angry that the glory and honor that rightfully belonged to the One true God was being given to to anyone or anything else.
Paul's anger was appropriate, justified and totally selfless.
The righteousness of Paul's anger is demonstrated by what his anger caused. Paul's anger spurred him to positive action. The passage tells us that Paul's anger caused him to dialogue with others about faith. He spoke with Jews, religious non-Jews, and even non-religious non-Jews in the marketplace. (Seems to me that he dialogued with everyone!) Paul's anger caused him to pursue the work that God had called him to do with greater vigor.
Seems that this was a pretty good response! I have to admit that it is very difficult to think of a single time when my anger drove me to to good or godly things, to better fulfill the work that God has called me to do in life. Perhaps this would be a good way to evaluate our own anger. If we stop to check and see what our anger leads us to do, we might see our anger in a different light.
Getting Old Stinks, Here's How I Tolerate the Smell!
It was a rough week. First a patient commented- “Boy Dr. Barrett, you went straight from blond to white and didn't even stop at gray!” The next day a woman in her thirties, commenting on my use of Skype and Facetime with patients, said, “You are very innovative for one of the more senior members of your profession!” finally, a 5 year-old girl was brought in for a check up by her grandparents. When I introduced myself, they responded, “She told us you were bald!” as if that was my defining characteristic! Priority one for that visit- follicular education. Even when it grows mostly on the side of your head, it is still hair!
So I feel old. Of course I recall the season of my life when I would have also applied this assessment to people in their 50's. It still stinks to have it pointed out. So what can I do about it? I have decided to remind myself of those things I have that younger people do not. While hair is not on the list, some pretty remarkable things are-
- I have a marriage that has lasted over 30 years, and is still wonderful, a wife who still makes my heart skip a beat and takes my breath away
- I have a son who at 24 argues for his faith. I need not worry about whether his faith will be his.
- I have a daughter who at 18 reminds me of what purity is all about.
- I have the blessing of providing medical care to people who have trusted me with their health for over 20 years.
- I have a faith that has sustained me for over 40 years, countless personal experiences with the faithfulness of God.
- Everyday, I am one step closer to seeing my Savior face to face.
The physical limitations of aging stink, but there is so much more. I can handle the smell!
How do You Score on the Character Test?
While the world is filled with people who are characters, people with character are rare. Take the test below and see if you are a person of character.
1- Is it hard for other people to find fault with you?
2- Do you consistently control your emotions?
3- Do the people in your life respect you?
4- Are you teachable? Are you willing to teach others when you have something to share?
5- Do you stay sober?
6- Are you gentle and kind in your dealings with others?
7- Do avoid argument when possible?
8- Do you value relationships and people more than things or wealth?
9- Do you faithfully and passionately fulfill your family responsibilities as parent, spouse or child?
The list is not exhaustive, but consistent yes answers suggest a person of quality and integrity. Think you recognize the list? It comes from the Bible, 1 Timothy 3, where the qualifications for church leadership are described! I think these character characteristics are a worthy pursuit for all of us.
5 Key Principles for Effective Childhood Discipline
We know our children need discipline, and we know we need to do it. But what do we do? Do we do time outs? For how long? If I spank my child is that child abuse? It seems that other parents know what to do, but I feel lost. How do I discipline my child?
Hardly a day goes by in which I do not answer one of these questions. Parents get conflicting advice from parents, web sites, friends and family members and as a result can be paralyzed with confusion. Here are 5 key principles for effective discipline.
- Discipline needs to be planned in advance. Good decisions are rarely made in the moment. Have discussions with your spouse about what behaviors you will discipline and the methods you will use. By planning in advance you will take emotion out of the equation make a better decision.
- Discipline needs to be consistently applied. Children need to have clear and consistent boundaries. If it is wrong to do something on Monday it needs to be wrong on Wednesday and Saturday as well. If it is wrong when Mommy is watching it needs to be wrong when Daddy is watching as well.
- Never Discipline in Anger. This is a big deal. Whatever method you use to discipline your child, if you discipline in anger you are harming you child and will discipline poorly. If you find yourself angry. STOP! Step away and gather yourself.
- Make sure the child knows why they are being disciplined. Concisely and clearly tell the child what they are doing wrong.
- Do not over explain or justify your discipline. I often tell parents that moms and dads come in two varieties. One parent will take the child aside and say, “Mommy/Daddy loves you very much and does not want you to hurt yourself. If you play with something made of glass it might break and you could hurt yourself. I do not want you to hurt yourself so I am going to give you a timeout, okay?” The other parent takes away the glass object, puts it out of reach and says, “I said No!, don't touch. Do what mommy/daddy says!” Guess which parent the child is more likely to obey? It is good to train children early that they need to obey, even if they do not fully understand. When they become teenagers, this will be invaluable!
With this in mind, How do you discipline? Let's review the common approaches.
1- “Time-out” This can be very effective for some children. The underlying principle is that removal from personal contact can be a negative reinforcement. If you choose this method, it is important to respond quickly when the bad behavior occurs, as the negative reinforcement is most effective when it rapidly follows the behavior.
2- Corporal Punishment. Using a spank or another form of discomfort to communicate displeasure. I am not someone who believes that a single swat on a diapered bottom is child abuse, but I do believe that parents need to be very cautious when applying physical discipline. Repeated swats are never appropriate. If your goal is pain or suffering, you are abusing your child. If you are angry, you may be abusing your child. If it is used, corporal punishment to not be the first response. If you are unsure, don't.
Question- What form of discipline is best?
Answer- The one that works. At its root, discipline means to teach or instruct. If the behavior is not improving, then you are not disciplining, you are punishing. If your response is not working, reevaluate and ask for help. When my daughter was 5 time-outs did not work at all. We changed and started putting her favorite toys in timeout instead. When her favorite “dress up” toys were in timeout for a week her behavior began to change!
Have any discipline suggestions that you found successful? Share them in the comments. Like this post? Please share it with your friends! Want to receive posts automatically in your email? Click the link! Scroll down on a mobile device or upper right on your desktop.