Don't Make this Mistake in Marriage

I recently heard a devastating report about a Christian man I have known for a long time. A successful businessman who has been married for many years, I had always believed him to be a faithful man who was dedicated to his wife. I was wrong.

It seems that he fell  into a common internet trap. As it was the direct result of an immoral act on his part he could not blame anyone else for his mistake. He followed a link about meeting single women, going so far as to actually meet with someone. Common sense finally kicked in during that meeting and he went no further, but he went far enough to reveal disturbing and hurtful truths about his character and his thinking.

Beyond the obvious moral failings in his actions was the greater moral failing of his thoughts and attitudes toward his wife. In the statements on his profile and with his subsequent actions he declared to the world that his wife was not enough for him. He needed more. He deserved more and he wanted more.

How devastating this must have been to her. Any feelings of adequacy and security must have evaporated in an instant. I wonder if now when she looks in the mirror she is frightened by the changes age has brought or if she lies awake at night wondering what she did wrong. Even though her husband may not have committed the physical act of adultery the wounds to her heart are likely to leave permanent scars.

As I think about their story I naturally reflect on my own marriage and am grateful for a blessing that is often overlooked by others, the blessing of contentment. I am completely fulfilled in my marriage. My wife is all I need, all I want and all I could ever want. She is everything and more to me and she knows it. Because I am content I feel no need to look elsewhere, no reason to think the grass is greener beyond any fence.

I am of the opinion that contentment in a marriage is one of the greatest gifts a spouse can give. It brings peace and security to both husband and wife. Its absence  indicates deep problems in the relationship. If you are not content in your marriage, take a step back and ask yourself, "Why not?" As you do, don’t look at what is wrong with your spouse, look at what is wrong with yourself. Why do you want more? Why are you not satisfied with the spouse God has given you?

If you want to gain or maintain contentment in your marriage, take time every day to thank God for your spouse. Make a list of all of the blessings in your life that have come from your husband or wife, making sure that number 1 on the list is- “Thank you God, that they put up with me!”

- Bart

PS: Today marks 32 years of Lisa putting up with me! What a blessing! If you have been touched by this post in any way, please share it with others. You never have to miss a post, you can have them all delivered to your email by subscribing to the blog! Just click on the subscribe button. (upper right on a computer, at the bottom on an ipad or smartphone)

"Have you Killed any Christians Lately?"

I ask a LOT of questions every day in the office. Most are routine and expected, questions such as “Where does it hurt?” or “How long have you felt this way?” Of all the questions I ask, few are as impactful as the one I asked not so long ago, “Have you killed any Christians lately?”

The patient has been in my practice for a while and is well-known and well-liked by the staff. Her visits have been more frequent as of late as she has struggled to deal with a lengthy illness that has made it impossible for her to work. Anxiety and depression have overwhelmed her. I started antidepressant medications a few months ago with no visible response. She was not doing well.

One look at her face when I walked into the exam room told me that the most recent medication adjustments were not working. Her face revealed her anxiety and sadness. I asked her what was going on and she shared that she had started drinking again, heavily. I had to ask her several times before she would tell me exactly how bad the problem was. She was binging, drinking as many as 18 beers in a day. In my mind I ran through possible reasons for such a sudden increase in drinking, remembering that binge drinking can be associated with the manic phase of bipolar disease and that anti-depressants can send a bipolar patient into mania. I wondered, "Maybe she isn’t simply depressed. Does she have Bipolar type 2? (Bipolar type 2 is a depression dominated form of bipolar disease.)  

Bipolar disease would explain the poor response to anti-depressants and the drinking. With this in mind I asked about other signs of mania such as poor judgment and impulsive behavior. “Have you been making any other poor decisions in your life? Spending money you do not have or being more promiscuous?”

Tears immediately filled her eyes and flowed down her cheeks. “Just this weekend,” she replied. She went on to tell me about a sexual indiscretion, an encounter she normally would have avoided. I knew it pained her to share this with me as she had made many statements about her faith in previous visits and the behavior she described was completely opposite the faith she had professed. My heart ached for her. I knew that her mental state must have been truly weak for her to engage in activities that were in such blatant opposition to her beliefs and values.

I tried to proceed with gentleness. I encouraged her to seek out a psychiatrist, sharing my concerns that she may not be on the best medications for her. Because she was doing so poorly I encouraged  her to get a second opinion as soon as possible. Before she left the room I gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself. As we stepped into the hallway she turned back to me. The tears returned and her shoulders quivered as she said, “I am so embarrassed and ashamed!”

I pulled her back into the room. “There is no place for guilt. We all make mistakes,” I said. “If you are worried about having messed up, take a number and get in line. Behind me! We all mess up!” I shared that while we each may struggle with different sins, we ALL struggle with something. (My personal struggles are a "wonderful" combination of insecurity, impatience and anger.)

“But I have done such terrible things!” she responded.

Then came the question. “Have you killed any Christians lately?” A puzzled look came over her face. I reminded her of the story of the Apostle Paul, who prior to his conversion to Christianity was actively involved in persecuting Christians and having them put to death. “God forgave him and he became the greatest evangelist ever. If God can forgive Paul killing Christians he can forgive you.”

The flow of tears slowed as the meaning of the words sunk in. I encouraged her again to see the psychiatrist, and to talk with a pastor. “There is no shame in needing help or in asking for help! We all need help. If you refuse to admit you have a problem and refuse to get help I will let you feel ashamed about that. Otherwise shame has no place!"

A few minutes and another hug later I sent her on her way, praying that she would experience the peace that comes from forgiveness, both the peace from being forgiven by God and the peace that comes from forgiving herself.

Next time you are down on yourself and wonder how God can ever forgive you, take a moment and remind yourself of God's capacity for grace and forgiveness. You probably have not killed any Christians lately! It is not about how "forgivable" we are. It is about how forgiving He is. 

-Bart

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A Lonely Death, A wasted life

He had been dead for over a day when the police found him alone in his apartment. The drug paraphernalia nearby gave an indication of what coroner's tests would later confirm, that he had died of a heroin overdose. A few forms completed, a few boxes checked, the disposal of he body and he became nothing more than a statistic, the only unique feature of his passing that he was a little old to die in this way. Heroin addicts don't often make it to 65.

The manner of his passing should not have been a surprise to those who knew him, and once the initial shock passed, for most of us it wasn't. Drugs and alcohol had been his undoing so many times before.

He was bright and intelligent and life should have been easy. It might have been if he had been raised in a healthy home. Instead the lessons he learned from a self-centered and abusive father did not serve him well. He was hooked on drugs by adulthood, ultimately becoming a bank robber to support his habit. He robbed several banks, enough for the FBI to give him a nickname, "The red-haired bandit."

He was eventually caught, tried and convicted of his crimes and sentenced to federal prison. Fifteen years of his life had been lost to drugs.  When released he lived for a while with his older sister as he tried to reenter society. To the surprise and delight of family members he seemed to pull it off. He got a job as a bartender, had a girlfriend who cared about him and was staying away from drugs and passed all of the screens administered by his parole officer. He was never going to be rich but he looked like he was going to make it. He made it to the family gatherings at Christmas and Easter and was a happy participant in the discussions. He was almost normal..

It was many years before cracks started to appear in his foundation but once they did they became increasingly obvious.  He lost his license for driving under the influence and did a short stint in jail. He struggled to keep a job and was absent on the holidays. The last time family saw him was at the wedding of his great nephew in August 2012. He was grateful to have been invited and seemed genuinely happy to see everyone. Too happy, as he made too many trips to the bar and was so drunk at the end of the day there was a need to tell the valet he was not to be allowed behind the wheel.

We heard very little about him for almost two years, until my wife received a call from her mom telling her that John was dead. My mother-in-law was his older sister, he was my wife's uncle.

In the subsequent weeks we have talked often about the tragedy that was John's life. So bright and so gifted in so many ways, yet taken down and ultimately destroyed by the pursuit of a feeling, a desire to escape the pain of normal life. What a waste.

- Bart

It's Independence Day. Time to recognize the Greatest Threat to our Freedom

Right now in Iraq Sunni militants are marching towards Bagdad, decapitating those who oppose them along the way, yet Islamic terror is not the greatest threat to our freedom. Across the United States, activist judges are rewriting law from the bench and imposing their values on society, yet they are not the greatest threat freedom faces. Unelected bureaucrats are expanding the administrative state in America, creating laws and regulations out of thin air with no legislative oversight, but neither are they the greatest threat to our freedom.

The greatest threat to freedom can be gleaned from 12 words spoken by Jesus Christ, “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” Truth is freeing, which means that the absence of truth makes freedom impossible. The greatest threat to our freedom is a refusal to see the world as it really is and to see people as they really are. It seems that at no time in our history has truth been more devalued, as a result at no time in our history has our freedom been more threatened.

Here are some truths that our society is currently rejecting.

• Our feelings and desires can be bad for us. We are being told that nothing matters more than what we feel.

• Our sexuality is not the most important thing about us.

• Children do best when raised by a mother and a father who are married.

• People of faith are, on average, more giving, more tolerant and more loving than people without faith.

• God is love, but He is not only love. He does not approve of every choice we make.

• You cannot reason with evil people.

• Truth is not relative. It is eternal.

• While all people are equally valuable, all people are not equal in ability. As a result, income inequality is not inherently evil, it is the natural outcome of God’s decision to bless people unequally.

A society that denies truth cannot remain free. Something to remember on the 4th of July.

-Bart

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How the Healing Power of Words can Change Your Life

Even though I excelled in my training and received recognition for my accomplishments, I wasn't as smart as I thought. A simple and powerful truth eluded me for all of those years...

For 9 years of school and three years of training I worked to learn all I could about medicine. Being excellent in medicine was a passion. I worked hard to learn the signs and symptoms of diseases along with  the appropriate treatments. My goal was to the best doctor I could be. I didn't realize it at the time, but being a good doctor is measured not just by what the doctor knows. It is also measured by what the patient does.

Over 20 years after completing my training I look back and see that there was one aspect of healing that I tragically overlooked- the power of kind words. Like many doctors as part of my standard approach patients were chastised for doing wrong, for eating too much, exercising too little and failing to follow doctor's advice.

This response was an area of medicine in which I excelled. During my years in practice I have challenged, criticized, rebuked, and warned patients about their health. Most of the time these efforts failed miserably.

In the past few years I have learned a better approach, the power of kindness and encouragement. The impact of this approach should not have come as a surprise as it is clearly described in the book of Proverbs-

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" Proverbs 16:24

I think of the diabetic patient who avoided coming in for almost two years. He was on my patient list but had never come in for a visit. My staff and I reached out repeatedly through phone calls and letters, over 15 attempts and never got a response. I even went so far as to ask the medical group to transfer him from my practice as I felt I had done all I could and felt it was unfair that his lack of follow up was being held against me. Then one day I made another phone call and to my surprise he answered. Instead of haranguing him about his failure to take care of himself I asked for the opportunity to help him. Overlooking the failures of the past I said I would love the chance to help him be healthy. He responded and within just a few months his diabetes was under control! Kindness worked!

It should come as no surprise that the power of gracious words is not limited to a medial office. They have healing powers in families, friendships and even in business relationships. In a culture that is increasingly unforgiving and angry we can make a profound difference in the lives of those around us simply by choosing to be kind!

- bart

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