Jealousy and Love do NOT Mix! Love Part 3

It is a simple fact that truly appreciating what you have often  includes not wanting something else. I truly am grateful for the blessings in my life. A few nights ago while I was picking out my clothes for the next day I heard my favorite sound coming from the living room, the sound of Lisa’s laughter. She has a wonderful laugh (especially when she is laughing at one of our children), a laugh filled with joy and delight that is truly infectious. As I was ironing my clothes later that evening I reflected on the blessing she is to me and how special our relationship is. I can honestly say that I have never met anyone who appeared to have a better marriage. Ours is not perfect, but it is pretty darn good!

When I think of other good marriages I realize there are some common traits. One of the most important is contentment. When I hear happily married men talk about their wives I get the sense that they have no thoughts of anyone else, no interest in anyone else, and see no reason to even consider anyone else. I get the sense that like me, they would say that they have never met anyone who had a better marriage.

When I think of some of the troubled marriages I have encountered I see the opposite. I see men and women who wish things were better, who talk about what is wrong with their spouse, and about what needs to change. Sometimes they even sound resentful of those whose marriages are happy, occasionally to the point of mocking the happiness of others.

These good and bad marriages illustrate what the Apostle Paul meant when he wrote, “love is not envious.” The Greek word translated envious refers to a strong desire, or a longing. In this case a longing for something someone else has. True love doesn’t want something else. True love is content.

The love of which Paul wrote is not limited to marital love, it encompasses much more. It is the type of love that should characterize the attitude of Christians towards one another. Paul was implying that we should be content in the gifts, blessings and position we have in life, so much so that we do not long for the life or circumstances of anyone else.

While I think I am truly content and devoid of jealousy in my marriage, I have a long way to go when it comes to my love of God and my fellow Christians.  How about you?

-          Bart

This is the third post in a series about the qualities of love. You can have future posts delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe button, and you can always share any post with your friends by clicking on the share button below

Shortbread, bullets and kindness. Love Part 2

They did not teach me this in medical school, but sometimes people get very angry with their doctor. Patients and their families can be downright mean. Sometimes it is to my face, as with the man who demanded an MRI for the knee he had twisted 2 days earlier who pointed his finger at me and said. “I paid for this insurance and if you don’t order an MRI I will go somewhere else!” Most often it is less direct, as with the letter earlier this year in which I was told that I didn’t listen and talked down to my patients and in some of the reviews posted by disgruntled patients online. Mean remarks hurt, and the pain lingers.

Fortunately mean remarks and actions are uncommon and are far outnumbered by words and acts of kindness. When I think of patients being kind two people quickly come to mind.

Winnie passed away last year and was one of my favorite patients. She lived well into her 80’s. One year at Christmas she brought in homemade shortbread as a gift. It was delicious and I told her so. I even asked for the recipe for my wife. Once Winnie knew I liked her shortbread she made a point to brink in a batch with every office visit. She didn’t need to do it and it certainly wasn’t needed or expected. She did it because she was a loving and kind person. She knew I enjoyed it and she was not going to pass up the opportunity to make someone else happy.

Chuck has been a patient for years. He is an expert in personal security, working to protect "high value clients." He has extensive training in keeping important people safe. On one visit we discussed his job and how to protect yourself. I told him that I was taking steps at home to increase the safety of my family. At his follow up visit Chuck returned with multiple gifts, including a high powered flashlight and ammunition! I was taken aback. By his actions he demonstrated that he cared about me, that I was important to him.

Winnie and Chuck both demonstrated a type of kindness, the type described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4. Paul wrote, “Love is kind.” The kindness mentions by Paul was not merely the absence of meanness or merely a kind word. The word carries with it the idea of giving something or doing something good to someone else, of acting on someone’s behalf and to their benefit. This type of kindness comes at a cost and requires effort. It also brings a blessing that endures. It is my prayer that God will work in my heart to help me love others in this way. I have a long way to go, but I am making progress. How about you?

- Bart

This post is the second in a series based on the aspects of love listed in the bible in 1 Corinthians 13. Please consider sharing it with others as that would be a kind and loving thing to do! You can have the future posts delivered by email simply by clicking on the subscribe button on the page.

A Sick Wife, A Patient and Loving Husband

Loving isn’t always easy. The people in our lives are broken and imperfect. Sometimes they are frustrating and annoying. In spite of their faults, they still need love. Recently I encountered a patient who understands what it means to love someone in difficult times.

It was his first time seeing me as a patient so I asked him my typical first question, “How did you hear about us?” He responded with the most common answer I hear from married men, “My wife came first and told me I needed to come.”

He kindly helped me remember his wife by reminding me of her medical history. She has bipolar disease and a number of other medical conditions. He went on to briefly describe their marriage journey. Although they were now in a good place the road had been extremely difficult. As with so many patients with bipolar disease there had been many years of dysfunction, disappointment, and pain. For much of their marriage her mental illness made it impossible for her to be the woman she was when they first married. It took over twenty years for her doctors to finally determine the combination of medications that gave her a degree of normalcy in her thinking and peace in their relationship.

As he related their story I was amazed at the absence of bitterness and resentment. It struck me how easy it would have been to give up, to say that it was too hard, too painful and too difficult. I wondered how many men would have simply walked away, and I wondered why he didn't.

The answer is simple. He loves his wife. Even though it took over 20 years for her to get to a place of health, he waited. (And waited, and waited!) As a man of faith, he understands the exhortation of the Apostle Paul that “love is patient.” (The Greek word for patient is a powerful word that can be translated “long suffering”. It doesn't just mean “wait” it also means “wait a long time through pain.”)

In my years in practice I have heard countless complaints about the bad behaviors of spouses, exasperated laments about toilet seats, spending habits, house-cleaning (or not!) and other behaviors that were just “too much to take.” This patient reminds me of The value of keeping your promises, doing your best, and loving the person you married. He reminds me that patience isn’t just a virtue, it is part of what love is.

- Bart

This is the first in a series on love based on definitions found in 1 Corinthians 13. You can have all the posts delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe link on the page. If the post has been helpful or encouraging please consider sharing it with a friend!

A Surefire Way to Stay out of Trouble

To everyone else may problem was obvious, yet I could not see it. I was completely clueless.

My residency in Family Medicine began with a week-long orientation. We toured the hospital and clinic, were assigned our desks, given our pagers and completed a two day course in "advanced cardiac life support." All of the interns were nervous as we were for the first time in our lives actually going to be primarily responsible for the medical care of real patients.

Every person as their own unique way of dealing with nerves, my way is to crack jokes. My way was not too well received, as on the third day of orientation I was summoned to the office of the program director. He was afraid that I was going to embarrass him and the program with my irreverent attitude!

While I was actually very serious about my training (and would go on to be recognized as the Outstanding Resident on graduation), my loquaciousness made others uncomfortable. Had I been wiser I would have worked harder at controlling my tongue.

Looking back on my life I can see that my lack of tongue control has been at the root of the vast majority of my problems in life. I also see that this shouldn't have been difficult to figure out, for the writer of Proverbs made it pretty clear-

"Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut." Proverbs 10:19

Advice we need to take to heart!

-Bart

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How I Learned not to be such a Jerk as a Doctor

One of the first lessons learned in private practice was that a good number of patients thought I was a jerk. My partner actually sat me down and told me that he had received feedback from a number of patients who said they felt that I was uncaring and did not listen to them very well. At the end of that year I received the results of a random survey of my patients that confirmed the fact that I was failing to communicate and connect much of the time. I was devastated. Having always prided myself on my communication skills it was more than humbling to discover that this was perceived to be the area where I most needed to improve.

I wish I could say I turned it around right then and that my next survey results were glowing. I can’t and they weren’t. I tried, tried really hard, but improvement was elusive. It took almost 10 years to truly turn the corner. Looking back now I can see what made the difference and see how simple it could have been. Here are a few of the realizations that led to lasting change.

-          I learned that I was more concerned with medicine than I was with caring about the patient. In my mind I felt that if I was medically correct (prescribed the right drug, made the correct diagnosis or referred to the right specialist) that I had done my job well. When I made the patient’s feelings and understanding them the top priority, I was able to connect.

-          I learned there was more to life than being right. I used to get particularly grumpy when a patient would ask for an unnecessary procedure or test. I think of one patient who wanted an MRI 2 days after a minor knee injury. I told him it was unnecessary and he was angry. My answer was technically correct, but it lacked understanding. If I had taken the time to set aside my offendedness and learn why he was so worried about his knee I might have salvaged the relationship.

-          I realized I expected too much from people. All people are imperfect, each in their own unique way. Some have difficulty getting to appointments on time, some have a hard time following instructions, some are afraid of change. When I focused less on what they should do and more on what they could do, I was able to be more gracious and forgiving, and people responded.

-          I learned to focus on the unique privilege it is to serve patients. Patients are not an interruption or an intrusion, they are people with needs and fears, people who need my help. For some reason God in His grace has allowed me to be in a position to actually help people every day. When I began to view each visit as an opportunity to be the “hands of God”, to touch others on His behalf, my attitude became much more patient focused.

These are not the only changes, but they are among the most significant. As God changed my heart and my attitude toward my patients, their hearts and attitudes toward me changed as well. For over 5 years now I have consistently received some of the highest patient satisfaction scores in my medical group. Last year I was even asked to lead a discussion with other struggling physicians in the hope that I might help them do better in their practices. What a turnaround!

Just a reminder to those who are jerks and to those who are dealing with jerks. There is hope!

-          Bart

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