Fatherless on Father's Day

I have not seen my father since 1993. He is still alive and he could see me if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to.  In his mind I am not worth it. I failed to perform as desired, I did not meet his expectations so in his mind he was absolved of all parental responsibilities. He was done with me.

He was not always disgusted with me. There were a few occasions when he actually was proud of me and showed it. At my medical school graduation ceremony, after receiving my diploma I turned to the audience and saw my father standing on his chair pumping his fist in the air. It meant so much to me to see that I had finally gained his approval and made him happy. It didn’t last. Disownment was just 30 months away.

In the 22 years since I last saw my dad I have asked myself how it is that a father could disown a child. It is hard to imagine what is required to justify such an act. It makes sense if a child is a monster (I would not have faulted Osama Bin Laden’s dad for not making the trip to the compound in Pakistan!) but for a true father it should be almost impossible to let go.

My kids have reached adulthood and letting go is quite difficult for me. My son is 25 and has been married for three years but he is still my boy. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and want to hear about his life. It takes effort to not call him. My daughter still lives at home and wonders when the questions will stop. I ask her about every aspect of her life and look for any opportunity to spend time with her. They are my kids and I am their dad. It is what I do.

When I think about what it means to be a dad, this is the thing that seems most important. A dad is always there, whenever needed and often times when he isn’t. A true dad is an emotional rock his children can stand on, a shelter where refuge can be found in the storms of life and a fixed point of reference to show the way when vision is cloudy. A dad is a dad 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It is what he does.

While I never had this from my father I did not live my whole life without it. My father-in-law lived it for me for 23 years. He was a quiet man who seldom spoke his affection, but he had the “always there” part of being a dad mastered. For him it was unconditional. He was there financially to bail his kids out, even when they had been foolish with their money. He fixed our cars when the accidents were our fault. There are no words to describe the comfort I felt simply knowing that if things went bad, “Pops” would be there for me, or the anxiety that I feel now that he is gone. He did what every father is supposed to do. He was a model of the love our Heavenly Father has for us.

I take great comfort in knowing that God’s love for us is not dependent on our behavior, it is dependent on His character. He is always there, always loving, always forgiving and always merciful. He is our rock, our hiding Place, our refuge, our defender, and our comforter. He is our one true Father who will never leave us or forsake us.

He is the Father to the Fatherless. He is father to me.

-          Bart

Happy Father’s day. Feel free to share stories about your dad in the comments. If you are interested in hearing me speak, you can check out the sermons page for audio links or visit me on vimeo, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett. A new message that includes a great story of a father’s love was just uploaded. Click on the message, “A life lived well”

My previous post on being disowned by my father is available here

Black or White? Male or Female? Dead or Alive? When Obvious Isn't Obvious Anymore

“Doctor Barrett, you know that patient Mr. Jones? He’s not breathing!” the nurse’s voice over the phone sounded only slightly concerned.

“So, he’s dead?” I asked.

“I don’t know!” she replied.

“Trust me. You can make this diagnosis!” The patient was not breathing, had no pulse and was unresponsive. It did not require advanced medical training to recognize that the patient had died. I thought it was a pretty straightforward diagnosis.

As my career is progressing I am realizing that things that were once simple and universally recognized are not anymore. Delivering babies was a part of my medical practice for 18 years. One of my favorite things in medicine was that special moment after delivery when I checked the genitalia and announced, “It’s a ______.” It wasn’t too difficult. The boys had penises and the girls had a vagina.

I was pretty sure that I could diagnose skin color as well. Country of origin could be a challenge but based on melanin content and other features I was pretty sure, mixed race excepted, that I could tell the difference between a Caucasian and a person of African-American descent.

Recent events have called into question my diagnostic competency with regards to both situations. I am now hearing that gender has nothing to do with the genitalia with which you are born nor your genetic makeup. Gender, it seems, cannot be determined by any physician or external observer as it is totally dependent on the perception of the individual in question. What you are depends on how you feel.

The definition of race may be similarly evolving. This last week, before the ink was even dry on the Vanity Fair cover on Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, came a story of a 37-year-old white woman, Rachel Dolezal, who claims that she is in reality African-American. This news is disputed by her white parents who have made public photos of a fair-skinned, straight-haired, freckle-faced and obviously Caucasian young Rachel. Rachel has immersed herself in black culture for years and had been identifying herself as an African-American for nearly a decade. Contrary to all visible, observable and measurable criteria, she calls herself a woman of color. Who she is depends entirely on how she feels.

A man feels he is a woman and a white woman feels she is black. How should we respond? Why should anyone care? We care because both of these stories remind us of the truth that it is dangerous to allow feelings to reign supreme. Feelings can defy reason and logic and are inherently self-centered. When feelings are emphasized the desires of the individual become paramount, personal fulfillment and happiness trump duty, obligation and love for others. Moral codes and values are thrown out. Science, reason and the opinions of others are of no value if they do not agree with one’s emotionally defined reality.

Our post-modern culture is embracing these new artificial realities in the deceptive belief that right and wrong are individual things, that no one person has the right to question the feelings and desires of another. The problem with this is approach is that it denies reality. Feelings lie.

When we allow feelings to define us we will lose the truth of who we are and we defy the God who created us as we are. God created us according to His plan and for His purposes. He created us male and female, He created the family, He created marriage and He encoded the DNA that makes us what we are, tall or short, brown or white. As the creator He alone defines what that means whether we choose to accept it or not.

- Bart

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A Terrible Lie, A Broken Heart.

Tears streamed down her face and her body shook as she sobbed, “I don’t know why I am still here!” I have heard these words come from the mouths of old patients who had become too frail to live independently and who felt that they were no longer had anything of value to offer their families and loved ones. I was surprised to hear them come from a mother who was barely 30. She had so many years ahead of her, so much love to give and so many people to give it to. I wondered what could have led to such despair.

It was remarkable that she was in my office at all. Less than two years earlier she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, a diagnosis that typically comes with a grave prognosis. The fact that she was still alive and better yet, free from any signs of disease should have been cause for celebration. For her it was a source of guilt. She felt she had been given a wonderful gift and had done little to earn, deserve or honor the gift she had received. As a result she was overcome with guilt and shame and was battling a severe depression.

“I keep thinking there must be something important that God wants me to do, some reason that He allowed me to live, but I just can’t figure out what it is,” she said. More tears flowed. I rose from my chair and gave her a hug. She was in so much pain. What could I say?

As I sat and pondered her circumstances I realized that she had fallen prey to a terrible lie that has invaded our culture, a lie that is particularly common in people of faith. She had been deceived into a false definition of significance, a definition that had blinded her to her value and to the purposes of God. She believed that lives of significance are measured by remarkable accomplishments and world-changing deeds that are easily visible and readily recognized by others. God had given her the gift of life and she was wasting it. I took a breath and addressed the lie.

I told her that God’s greatest works are not done through big events and huge miraculous achievements. The greatest works of God are the result of small acts of faithfulness repeated over and over again in ordinary life. I reminded her that every time she loved her child, prayed for her child and encouraged her child was a time that she was accomplishing something wonderful in the eyes of God. I told her that if she raised her son to be a good man who loved others that she would be doing something unique and amazing, and that in looking for something dramatic and profound she was most likely overlooking the great things that God was already doing in her life.

I wish that her story was rare but it isn’t. We live in a culture where everyone wants to be the next American Idol, Master Chef or Republican presidential nominee. We forget that it is not possible for everyone to be the best, for everyone to be rich, successful or famous. We forget that God is not impressed with earthly accolades or recognition. What matters to God are the things that cannot be seen. God sees our hearts and measures us according to their content. Faithfulness is more important than success.

Michael Horton, in his book Ordinary, addresses this aspect of our culture, describing the current generation he writes,

They say, “I want to make something of myself, to leave my mark”- or more altruistically, “to make a difference” in the world. But when we make these desires the object of our life-quest they become idols. Like all idols, they overpromise and underdeliver… We do not find success by trying to be successful or happiness by trying to be happy. Rather, we find these things by attending to the skills, habits and - to be honest – the often dull routines that make us even modestly successful at anything. If you are always looking for an impact, a legacy and success, you will not take the time to care for the things that matter.

My prayer for my patient, and for myself, is that we will live in the awareness of the truth that the most important things we do usually go unnoticed by the world. This does not mean that God is not working. The world may not pay attention when a mother hugs her child or wipes away a tear, or stand and applaud when a father kneels and prays for his family or turns down a promotion so he can spend more time at home, but the God who sees everything does.

God Himself said it best in His admonition to the prophet Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

-          Bart

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Are You Being Paid Enough?

What constitutes a fair wage? Fast food workers have been holding demonstrations demanding $15 an hour. A young CEO in Seattle recently decided that every one of his employees deserved a minimum of $70,000 a year as that was what he considered to be a living wage for that city. The news is filled with editorials and opinions about income inequality and a fair salary. How should a Christian businessman respond? How much should we pay?

It is one thing to philosophically discuss the principles behind wage structure in America, it is an entirely different thing to sign paychecks.  I am a small businessman with 5 employees who depend on me for their livelihoods. The realization that 5 families rely on me every day of their lives is a sobering one. If I desire to do well in this life, if I believe that I will one day answer to my Creator for my actions, how I treat and what I pay my employees is important.

While this is one of the most challenging aspects of my job the topic was completely unaddressed in my education. My training was extensive- five years of undergraduate study, 4 years of medical school and 3 years of Family Practice specialty training, yet not one hour was devoted to the topic. Nobody taught me how to be a manager of people or how to compensate them for their labors. I was forced to find the answer on my own. I ultimately turned to Scripture, following the principles in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, where He said, “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”

The application of this truth has caused me to consistently pay my employees a fair and competitive wage and to treat them well and with respect. It has not caused me to dramatically overpay far above market rates, for that is not how I would truly want to be treated or what I would expect from an employer. If I was an employee being paid $70,000 for a job that required little training or experience and for which typical compensation was $25,000, my $70,000 salary would feel more like charity than earnings. While the extra money would be nice, in my heart it would feel wrong. To apply the Golden Rule in the other direction, I would want my employer to pay me what I had earned and to keep the profits he had earned, regardless of how high they were!

To ensure my employees are paid fairly I intermittently survey the salaries offered for similar positions in the community. As I have very high standards the individuals who work for me are typically high performers, so I consistently pay them at or slightly above the top rate for their positions. As a result they know they are paid well for the jobs they do. They also know that they have chosen their profession and the salary range it offers and do not expect to be paid the same as others whose jobs require a greater skill set or more extensive training.

A conversation I had with my current nurse shortly after she joined my office perfectly illustrates the concept of a fair wage. She is a remarkable employee who clearly possesses the ability to move beyond office nursing and become an RN working in a hospital, a job with a pay level nearly double her current income. When I praised her performance and asked her why she didn’t go further with her training she replied that additional training would mean less time with her children so she decided that this was what she wanted to do. She was exactly where she wanted to be and comfortable with the salary that came along with it. She is so comfortable that with her last two pay increases she told me, “You don’t need to do that. You pay me enough.”

My nurse has integrity and a strong work ethic. She works hard for me and does her best for me and the patients we serve. Her effort is not based on her salary. Her desire to do her job well is based on her character and not her compensation. She is not looking for charity or a handout or to be paid more than she has earned. In her attitude and her efforts she earns not only her pay but my respect. Because I pay her fairly and treat her well, I have earned her respect as well. 

While some could look at the difference between what I make and what she makes and proclaim, "Income inequality!" those who took the time to look closely would see two people who worked together as a team, valued one another highly and respected one another. Two people who understood the truth that we have equal value as people, which matters much more than our pay rates.

-          Bart

Thanks for reading. Comments and questions are welcome and shares are what make the blog a success. You can receive blog posts delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe button (scroll down on your mobile device, look to the upper right on your computer). I can be followed on twitter @bartbarrettmd. For those interested in hearing me speak, audio files are available on the sermons page, and I am in the process of uploading new messages to my vimeo page (vimeo.com/bartbarrett) as well.

Standing Where Heroes Stood

Places have power. I learned this again this week as I visited Massachusetts. There is something about standing where others have stood that makes history come alive, that makes old stories seem fresh, new and more powerful.

I visited Plimouth Plantation, where there is a reconstructed Pilgrim village. I stood in a one room church building and looked at the pulpit, a small elevated structure facing simple wooden benches. There were no decorations or stained glass. I was reminded of the simple intensity of the Pilgrim’s faith. Their belief in God’s call on the individual and of the importance of the local church had caused them to leave everything and everyone as they sailed 3000 miles to their new home. 

We toured the grounds of the village and went inside the small homes that illustrated the simplicity and difficulties of their daily lives. As I looked at the sparse furnishings and clay walls I was reminded that these were a people who were more concerned with eternal things than earthly goods and needs. I thought about how difficult it was simply to eke out a living, of the labor required to acquire food and shelter. These people were committed.

As I looked at the small village and later as I visited the Mayflower II in Plymouth Harbor I thought of the bonds they must have shared. Over 2 months at see on a small ship would force them to live in community, as would they work required to survive when they arrived. I thought of the shared grief as they lost half of their number within the first three months. Was there a day when a grave was not being dug, filled or prepared?

Later in the week we walked the Freedom Trail in Boston. We stood by the grave of John Hancock. I thought of the brashness of the man who boldly declared himself a traitor to the King of England by signing his name in massive letters on the Declaration of Independence. We saw the burial place and then the home of Paul Revere, a silversmith who became a legend. We walked by the churches and meeting houses where many began their transformations from Englishmen into Americans and wondered about the debates and the arguments that must have occurred.

I was moved by the truth that both the patriots and the pilgrims were motivated by deeply held beliefs. They shared the belief that each person was a child of God and as such had value. This belief was the basis of the Mayflower compact, the initial promise that all would work together in the new land, and of the Declaration of Independence which declared that “all mean are created equal.”

I was moved by the realization that everything I have and hold dear in life I have because others believed and others sacrificed. These forefathers and founding fathers did not merely pay lip service to their ideals. They risked their lives for them. Standing where they stood I found myself praying that I may be one day found as faithful.

-          Bart