She Lost a Lover and was Happy

I was shocked to learn that they had called off the relationship. They had been together for 12 years and there had been no sign that there was any trouble between them. What happened? The answer was even more surprising then the news of the change in relationship status. She blamed Jesus.

The relationship had gotten serious shortly after Sally’s divorce from her abusive husband. She and Adaline started as roommates but soon became lovers. They did not hide their love for one another and the relationship endured many challenges. Sally was nearly disowned by her children. She was not invited to their weddings and excluded from the lives of her grandchildren. She talked many times over the years of the pain she felt at the loss of relationship. She desperately wanted to be involved in their lives but did not think it right that relationship with her children would require the loss of relationship with Adaline. Sally and Adaline seemed to be deeply committed to one another.

At a recent visit the topic of marriage came up in conversation. Given that same sex marriage is now legal, I asked what her feelings were on the subject. Her answer caught me off guard, “Adaline and I are not together anymore in that way.”

I was stunned. “What happened?” I asked. Her answer stunned me more.

She told me they had been going to Bible study together for a while, and one day they realized that they couldn’t be together as lovers and be followers of Christ. “We want to go to heaven, so we decided we wouldn’t be involved like that anymore.” They continued to live as roommates but had ended all romantic involvement.

It was a remarkable conversation and it revealed much about her new faith. The conclusion she had reached about abstinence seemed to be a personal one based on a realization that she had reached on her own.  No one had forced it on her, no one had told her that she had to do it. She had not been bullied or badgered into the decision. What was even more remarkable was how she and her partner had reached this conclusion together. They simply decided that eternal happiness was more important than earthly intimacy, and that heaven was worth the sacrifice. 

Their reasoning was simple. They believed in Jesus and the Bible. They believed that following Jesus meant that they would need to set aside their ideas of right and wrong and follow the teachings of Scripture. The Bible's teaching on sexual morality was clear- sexual intimacy outside of traditional marriage was sin. They knew that they could not continue living in sin and follow Jesus. Following Jesus came with the promise of eternal life in heaven. They did the math and made a decision.

Being new to the faith she was unaware of the power in her testimony. She was not preachy or arrogant, she did not condemn others with her words. They had simply decided that Jesus was worth it.

She did not know it but she is a living illustration of the truth found in many of the parables of Jesus. Two of them are found close together in Matthew 13.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

Jesus’ point was that eternal relationship with Him is so valuable that we should be willing to sacrifice everything for it. In other teachings He makes it clear that all who follow Him will need to make sacrifices and that self-denial is one of the hallmarks of true faith.

Sally has true faith. As with the man who found the treasure in the field, her sacrificial decision was made with joy, not sorrow. She embodies the truth that when we focus on the promises of Christ, of the joy that awaits, we will find ourselves wanting to let go of anything that could get in the way.

-          Bart

Note- There may be some who will read this post as anti-gay. Such a reading misses the point entirely. The post is not about the specific actions laid aside, it is about the fact that faith requires us all to lay aside things of value to us. The Christian faith does not require that we give up something to follow Jesus. It requires that we give up everything, and she models this.  A previous post addressed a similar issue in a heterosexual couple. In each case, I simply related the truth of the story as it occurred. 

The Danger of Our Assumptions

“Doctor, I am short of breath,” the patient said to the medical student, “I feel that it is harder for me to breathe.”

A look of concern came over the medical student’s face. I could tell he was worried. I could almost see the wheels of his brain turning as he internally reviewed the causes of dyspnea (doctor speak for short of breath.) With a tone of deep seriousness he began to review the symptoms of heart disease and lung disease. He asked about swollen legs, chest pain, chest pressure, and irregular heartbeat, about high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a smoking history. He questioned the patient about asthma, chronic cough, wheezing and cough. All of the answers were negative.

After about 5 minutes I interrupted the student. “Let me see if I can clarify things,” I said, turning to the patient. “Tell me what you mean when you say you are short of breath. Do you mean how you feel if you tried to sprint a mile, or do you just feel as if you have to think about a breath? Some people say they are short of breath but they can still exercise, they just feel different in their chest. What do you feel?”

The patient quickly answered that it was the latter. There was no true shortness of breath, no lack of air, which meant the symptoms were not due to heart or lung disease. The symptoms were not due to any significant illness at all. The medical student’s questions had been unnecessary. He assumed he knew what the patient meant by “shortness of breath” and based all of his decisions on that assumption. In the case of the student the error was harmless. Doctors are not always so lucky. I have seen many patients harmed over the years by false assumptions.

The harm of incorrect assumptions is not limited to the medical profession. It can be especially harmful in relationships. There have been far too many times in my life when I made a judgment that later, when more information was available, was proved to be false. If I had slowed down and listened much harm would have been avoided.

Our natural tendency to assume is a part of the brokenness of our thinking. It is something we all need to work on. It is also the subject of the second part of the series of talks I gave on brokenness. The talk can be found on my vimeo site, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett.

-          Bart

I often speak to church groups on a variety of topics, from relationships to Bible teachings. Many of these messages are available on my vimeo site. If you are interested in having me come and speak to your group, please contact me through the website.

An Atheist Asks for Prayer

“Doc, you know I’m an atheist, but I know you are a man of faith and I am going to ask you to pray for me.”

Atheists do not usually ask for prayer but this was a special circumstance. Being diagnosed with cancer causes people to reconsider beliefs they had previously rejected, to look for help in new places. Although my phone call to him delivering the biopsy results was not unexpected the diagnosis still hit him pretty hard. He had cancer and it was serious. He took only a moment to absorb the information before telling me he was not ready to die and he was afraid.

He had been battling a number of health issues for several months. First had come an unusual cancer of the skin and superficial tissue of his back, a cancer so rare that none of the doctors had seen it before. Shortly after the final surgery and radiation treatments for that cancer he developed an irregular heartbeat and was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. Blood thinners became a part of his life. He had always been strong and healthy and now he was on chronic medications. He was no longer invincible.

While he dealt with the stress of these diseases he began to battle another problem. He developed severe stomach upset that made it difficult for him to eat. Heartburn, indigestion and nausea became his daily companions. He lost 50 pounds. He saw a specialist, but the specialist was concerned about doing an endoscopy and biopsy while he was on the blood thinners so definitive testing was delayed. After several weeks of waiting he called me and asked for a new GI doctor. A few weeks later the new GI doctor called me to let me know that he had done an endoscopy and discovered a cancer in the stomach. That news led to my call to the patient and to his unexpected prayer request.

A few weeks later he scheduled an appointment with me to go over his options and ask my opinion. We discussed what we knew (which was too little for me to give him a decent prognosis) and we discussed several possible outcomes. Although the cancer is serious and life threatening he is determined to survive. He again asked me to pray for him. I told him that I had been praying and would continue to do so.

As often happens during life and death conversations the discussion drifted to other areas of his life. He talked being estranged from his son and how difficult that had been for him. He shared about a recent school reunion that was bittersweet, as the joy of renewing old friendships was tempered by the gravity of his diagnosis. He told me about his journey away from faith many years ago, how travels to Europe and Africa had included visits to concentration camps and  areas of mass genocide. Faced with such evidence of evil he had rejected the idea of God's existence.  

Time and circumstances made deeper conversation inappropriate but it seemed to me that there was much he wanted to discuss, many more issues of the heart he desired to explore. It seemed that my years of caring for him had resulted in me being someone he felt he could trust. I wrote down my cell phone number and handed it to him.

“Anytime you want to talk, I’ll buy the food or the coffee. Not as your doctor, but as your friend.”

He promised he would take me up on the offer. I pray I will be an encouragement to him if and when he calls.

When he left I was again reminded of how important it is to not only care for my patients but to care about them. Sometimes the greatest therapeutic tool available is our ears. We just need to listen.

- Bart

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Celebrating Freedom on the 4th of July

Freedom. It is a universal value but an American foundation. While all people may desire it, Americans have fought and died for it. Our constitution is devoted to it. The First Amendment specifically delineates those freedoms we hold most valuable- The free exercise of religion, freedom to speak, the freedom of the press, and the freedom to assemble. The pursuit of these freedoms is what led to the existence of the United States. We celebrate these freedoms on the 4th of July.

While we joyfully celebrate these freedoms, there are some who seem to have forgotten the source from which these freedoms spring. Our Founders were clearly aware as they made it clear in the Declaration of Independence, “men are endowed by their Creator, with certain inalienable rights, among them life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Our rights come from our Creator. It is He who gives us minds to reason, hearts to love and hands to work. It is He who gives value in meaning to life and a purpose for living. It is He who gives us the freedom to not only do what we want but an even greater freedom, the ability to do what we should.

-          Bart

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Doctor! My Brain is Broken!

Doctors are supposed to get things right. We interview patients, perform an exam, analyze and process data and reach a conclusion. Patients depend on us to make good decisions and reach accurate diagnoses. For the most part most of us do a pretty good job. We get things right most of the time, more because most common diagnoses are straightforward and most patients have common conditions than because of any brilliance on our part, but we are trained to figure things out. It is what we do.

In spite of all of our training we still make mistakes in thinking. This may be rare in our professional lives but it is common in our personal lives. We can be as selfish and short-sighted as anyone and we are more stubborn and arrogant than most. We have grown so accustomed to trusting in our intellect and ability to figure things out that we are blind to errors in our thoughts and conclusions in the rest of our lives. We forget that no amount of education and experience can change the fact that we are human and humans make mistakes.

We make mistakes because we are broken people. Selfishness, judgment, pride and anger are a part of who we are. If we are going to become loving, kind, giving and understanding people we are going to have to change. This change cannot come from within us. Relying on our broken thinking to solve our problems will result not in healing but instead in different ways of expressing our brokenness. So what do we do?

We need to quit trusting ourselves. We need to question and challenge out emotions and conclusions and be willing to change. Most of all, we need to ask God to help transform us into the people we need to be.

Understanding our universal brokenness and need for change is the topic of a series of lessons I have uploaded to my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett. The first lesson has been uploaded and more will be available in the coming weeks. The series is intensely personal. I share some areas of personal brokenness I have dealt with over the years and how God has helped me overcome. I pray that my struggles will be a source of encouragement for others.

-          Bart

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