Cheaters Gonna Cheat. A Post on Adultery

Over 30 million men were actively looking to commit adultery. Hackers recently published online the client list of the adultery website Ashley Madison.  Included in the list of names were famous people, several pastors and ministry leaders. Sadly, this did not surprise me. Sexual sin is all to common. As I reflected on the Ashley Madison story, and of the recent moral failures of a national ministry leader I know, I was again reminded of how terrible adultery is. In light of these events in seemed appropriate to share my thoughts on sexual indiscretion and how to avoid it. What follows is excerpted from the chapter on adultery in my book, Life Medicine.

 In nearly two decades of practice as a family physician I have seen multiple cases of adultery and immorality. As with cancer, heart disease, and asthma, it is a condition constantly on the increase. It is a sad truth that when pondering the introduction to this essay the challenge wasn’t coming up with an example, it was deciding which story to use.

I have seen adultery rear its head in many different families, in many different circumstances. I have seen infidelity in people married a short while and I have seen it in people married for over twenty years. I have seen it in religious people and in atheists. I have seen husbands who were unfaithful within a few weeks of the birth of a first child. I have even had a couple who simultaneously discovered their mutual infidelity. They came to me to treat the anxiety they felt when they had caught each other cheating!

Of all the cases I have seen, the most troubling occurred when I had been in private practice for only a few years. The husband was a pastor of a new church in the same town as my office. It was a young and “hip” church, and he was a young and “hip” pastor, complete with flip-flops and surfer lingo. His wife was the perfect wife. She was pretty, friendly, outgoing, and devout. She headed the women’s ministry for the church and was widely respected and loved by the congregation.

 I first met the couple when she was pregnant with their third child. She had come to me for medical care in the pregnancy. Her seemingly devoted husband was with her at every visit. We talked regularly about issues of faith, and he spoke frequently about what was happening in the church. He never missed an opportunity to demonstrate his faith. When their daughter was born he prayed a dramatic prayer of thanksgiving in the delivery room.

Before long I found myself providing care for many more families in the same church. Once word got out that I was a Christian doctor a veritable stream of church members came my way. I was particularly thrilled that other women came to me for their obstetrical care as I had always loved delivering babies and caring for entire families. Caring for young Christian families was a special added bonus.

Two of the women from the church who came to me for pregnancy care were particularly involved in the church. One was a church administrative assistant who worked in the church office, the other a woman who was actively involved in children’s ministry. They were both young, pretty, and outwardly committed Christians. I had no reason to doubt their faith.

Shortly after the two women gave birth to their children, I learned my confidence in them was misplaced. An epidemic of stress struck their church and several members came to see me, distraught and struggling to deal with terrible news they had recently heard. I was told that the pastor of the church had been forced to resign, accused of having affairs with these two women whose babies I had recently delivered. I heard that one of the women had confessed to her sin, while the other adamantly denied it. The confessor, partly out of shame and partly out of a desire to start over, soon moved out of the area. The woman who maintained her innocence left the church and left my practice, angry at all of those who doubted her integrity. I never saw either one of them as a patient again.

I saw the disgraced pastor soon after the scandal broke and he was remarkably unrepentant. He remained a patient for a while, and continued to talk about future ministry and what he believed God had in store. It was awkward for me, as I desperately wanted to challenge him about what he had done but could not find a way to appropriately work my thoughts and feelings into the context of the medical visit. The opportunity never did present itself. He left my practice a few years later.

The pastor’s wife divorced him, and eventually found a man who loved and cherished her and her children. I have seen her off and on over the years and she seems to have rebuilt her life. The children seem to be doing well but must struggle with the daily reality of divorce and with the residual anger between their mom and dad. The church body recovered much more slowly. Disillusioned, a number of families left the church. Many who stayed struggled with trust and wondered how something so awful could have happened. It took several years for the new pastor to overcome the damage that had been done and for healing to occur.

As the doctor for the pastor, the pastor’s family, the women involved, many church members, and eventually the new pastor and his family, I saw firsthand the magnitude of the damage and harm that occurred. It is one of the greatest tragedies I have seen in all of my years of practice. This case and the others I have witnessed have convinced me that few sins are as damaging as adultery. The impact of the sin reaches far beyond the immoral person or couple. It extends to children, extended family, friends, and colleagues. It is truly a grievous sin.

As painfully obvious as the consequences of adultery are, there are still many people who do not think they need to do anything special to prevent it. I can only surmise that they do not truly understand the damage done by adultery. God considered adultery significant enough to include its prohibition in His Ten Commandments; important enough to write a prescription against it on tablets of stone.

- Bart

This post is the first in a multi-part series on adultery. You can have future posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog. Comments and questions are welcomed. I am currently teaching through my book , videos are posted on my vimeo site, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett If you are interested in having me speak to your church or community group I can be reached through the contact page on this site. If you find this or any post valuable please consider sharing it with your friends. it only takes a click!

Why You Shouldn't Hate Your Job

Millions of Americans have become spectators in life, sitting on the sidelines and simply watching as others participate in one of life’s greatest endeavors. 1 in 5 American families misses out on the character-building, relationship-training activity that was ordained by God from the beginning of time. In 20 percent of homes, nobody works at all. Everyone in our society suffers as a result.

My first job was as a janitor. Monday through Friday for an hour and a half I went into a small office building and cleaned toilets, emptied trash cans. dumped ash trays and swept floors. I hated it. With no one else around it was lonely, quiet and even a little spooky at times. It wasn’t fun but it wasn’t supposed to be. It was a job. I learned responsibility, commitment and that being a janitor was hard.

As with many teenagers in the 1970’s and 80’s I had several other jobs during high school and college and each taught me important lessons. I scooped ice cream at Baskin Robbins, where I learned inventory management, customer service and how to negotiate a raise. I sold shoes at Thom McAn, where I learned sales techniques, how to close a deal, how to read a customer and that working retail means working evenings, weekends and holidays. I worked on a loading dock for Montgomery Ward, where I learned how to balance a refrigerator on a dolly and unload a truck. I worked for Vons grocery stores, learning more customer service, how to pick quality produce and the benefits and disadvantages of union membership.

In each job I learned what it meant to work, to set aside pleasure and leisure to do what needed to be done. I learned what it meant to be a part of a team and how to work with people who were different from me. I had good bosses and bad bosses, both of which helped me become a better manager and employer. I learned the value of a dollar and how long I had to work to earn something I wanted. I gained self-respect and learned what it meant to do my best even when no one else was watching, or worse, to work hard even when the people who watched did not appreciate my efforts. Every job, every task and every shift was a growth experience.

Today in America, in 1 out of every 5 families, there is no one who is benefiting from the blessings of work. The innumerable lessons are unlearned and are not passed on. There is no one modeling the self-discipline of getting up on time in the morning and making oneself look presentable for the day. No one learning to submit to and interact with a superior, no one learning to negotiate a better deal. No one pays income tax and contributes to society economically, no one participates in making something or providing a service to a customer. 1 in 5 families receives all of its financial support from society, is totally dependent on others for survival..

It is impossible to overstate the long-term negative impact on our society of such dependence. Beyond the obvious fact that no economy can thrive in the long term when 20% of its families do not participate in the production of goods and services is the reality that no culture can thrive if large segments of the population do not receive the education and personal growth that only work can bring. 

Something needs to change. We need to quit referring to work as a curse and a chore to be avoided  and view it for what it truly is, a blessing and an opportunity to be embraced, whatever or wherever the job may be.

-          Bart

Comments and questions are welcomed, and shared with friends appreciated. I can be followed on twitter @bartbarrettmd and can be reached through the website for personal questions or speaking invitation.

A Pastor Quits. Who's to Blame?

One Sunday he was there, the next Sunday he wasn’t. It came as such a surprise to me. I did not know him well but I loved his preaching and had learned and grown so much in the short time he had led our church. After he was gone I was left wondering what had happened. I was only 17, and like most of the other young people blamed the older people for the young pastor’s departure. I could not point to any specific person or group but I had heard things and it made sense that the old guard was to blame. Most of us young people did not know any of the leaders well enough to ask for an explanation but we were convinced that there was something seriously wrong with the church. Over time most of us moved on.

Those difficult days come back to my mind whenever I hear of a pastor resigning his position. Thoughts of that time returned this week when the pastor of my current church announced he was leaving after only 3 years in the position. He is dynamic and gifted and is loved by many. It is difficult to make sense of his decision. After the news came out the responses I have heard in conversations and have read on social media echo the feelings of those of me and my friends 35 years ago. People are convinced that something has gone seriously wrong and that they are not being told the whole story. A common theme is that someone needs to be held accountable, that either the pastor, the elders or maybe some of the old people, must be to blame.

This is the natural response when something bad happens. We want an explanation, want to know who to blame and to know how we can make things right or punish those who are at fault. This desire is natural but it is not biblical.

Jesus addressed the natural desire to assign blame for tragedy and loss in His interaction with His disciples in John 9. They had come across a man who had been born blind, a man who as a result was condemned to poverty and social isolation. His was a very bad life. When confronted with the man’s plight the disciple’s instinct was to try and assign blame. They asked Jesus, “Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Jesus’ surprisingly answered that it was neither, but that the man was born blind so “The works of God might be displayed in him.” Jesus did not say that the man and his parents had never sinned or done anything wrong, like all men they were sinners. Jesus did make it clear that their sins had nothing to do with the blind man’s terrible circumstances. No one was to blame. God allowed tragedy so that He could do something wonderful.

The blind man’s story seems especially relevant this week. Something bad seems to have happened at our church and things seem wrong. People wonder, “Who sinned?” and seek to assign blame. But what if there is no blame to be had? What if no one’s sin is the cause? What if God has a plan? We see something terrible, but we could be overlooking the truth that God is working in a way that will result in His glory.

As the church moves on in the coming months it is my prayer that we will avoid the trap that befell the disciples. I sincerely hope that instead of trying to assign blame we will choose to hold on to the truth that God is working, even in difficult circumstances.

It is what He does!

-          Bart

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Preaching Grace at 80

We live in a culture that worships youth and vitality and that devalues the wisdom and experience of our elders. Many churches have responded to the culture by hiring younger pastors, embracing contemporary music and emphasizing ministries that appeal to society. Sermons emphasize the need to perform community service and meet the needs of our neighbors. Topics such as sin and repentance, considered unappealing to the young, are seldom mentioned and evangelism, actually talking to people outside the church about faith, is a footnote to the church’s social justice agenda.

Chuck Swindoll stands out in stark contrast to the youth movement that has invaded the church. A nationally known pastor and Bible teacher, he is approaching his 81st birthday with no plans of retiring from the ministry. He continues to preach on a regular basis in the church he began in Frisco, Texas at the age of 64, launching a new ministry at an age when most others would be looking for the exit.

Chuck was the senior pastor at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California for 23 years. I had the privilege of sitting under his teaching for 13 of those years. From Chuck I learned innumerable lessons including the importance of Scripture. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was also being taught how to preach. The hundreds of sermons I heard from Chuck taught me how to think about the Bible, how to organize my thoughts and how to apply lessons of Scripture to daily life. When he left Fullerton to lead a seminary in Dallas it was a sad day for me.

Chuck returned to Fullerton on Sunday, the guest speaker for the worship service celebrating the Fullerton church’s 60th anniversary. It was an emotional service for me. Sitting next to me was the wife I had met at that very church and our two children, whose child dedication ceremonies had been led by Pastor Swindoll so many years earlier. It was the first time my children had heard him speak.

During the message Chuck related a story of Howie Stevenson, the man who served at his side as worship pastor for 20 of his 23 years in Fullerton. Chuck told us that each Sunday before he would rise to speak Howie would lean to him over and quietly say, “Preach Grace.”

The message Chuck preached on Sunday was a beautiful sermon from Isaiah 6, a passage where the prophet shares a vision he had of God in His infinite glory. As only he can, Chuck took the congregation into the vision and reminded us of the awesomeness of God. The response of Isaiah to this vision of God’s holiness was to feel the weight of his sin and shame. Isaiah was completely undone by the realization that God is Holy and that he was wretched and sinful.

Then Chuck preached grace. He read the verses describing an angel touching Isaiah’s profane and unclean lips with a hot coal, burning away the sin, taking away his iniquity and bringing forgiveness. Isaiah was wretched, God was Holy, and in His grace, Holy God took away His sin.

We were deeply moved by the message. After the service my 25 year-old son, member of the modern church’s targeted demographic, said to us, “I would pay to hear preaching like that!”

That morning was a wonderful reminder of what matters in life. In addition to being reminded anew of the amazing truth that a Holy God loves and forgives a sinful man like me I was encouraged by the fact that God is not done with me yet. If God can use a man in his eighties to touch the heart of a man in his twenties, there is hope yet for me.

- Bart

You can listen to Chuck's message here . More of his messages can be found at www.insight.org.

Top 10 Mistakes Parents Make with their teens

Parenting teens is hard and not every parent succeeds. Here is my list of the top 10 mistakes I have seen parents make.

10- Thinking they are almost done parenting

Some parents see adulthood as the finish line. The closer their children get to 18 the less guidance they offer. We live in a world filled with temptation, which only increase in college. Our children often need more time and guidance when they are older. Good parents spend the time.

9- Arguing with their teenager

People who argue with their bosses get fired. Learning to control your emotions and to submit to authority when you don’t agree are priceless life skills. Losing our temper or debating with an adolescent teaches all the wrong lessons. Set rules for disagreement early. Let your children have an opportunity to respectfully disagree and express themselves but enforce consequences when they do not accept your decisions.

8- Skipping family dinners

The importance of sharing dinner and conversation cannot be overstated. Have everyone put their phones away, turn off the TV and review the day.

7-Emphasizing college prep over life prep

Character is more important than education and relationships are more important than academic success. I went to community college for two years and took 5 years to get a bachelor’s degree. I came out okay. My son started at community college and was in the top third of his law school class at UCLA. Too many families sacrifice too much for the pursuit of a better school. It is almost never worth it.

6- Telling instead of parenting

Many parents tell their children not to drink, do drugs or have sex. Very few talk to their children about what to do when friends drink or use, or how to construct their lives in a moral fashion. Telling takes minutes. Parenting takes a lifetime.

5- Not hanging out with their kids.

Healthy families do things together. Good parents look for opportunities to spend time with their children instead of opportunities to get away from them. Date nights with a spouse are important, date nights with your kids can be priceless.

4- Modeling materialism

When we always have to have the best and latest we teach our children that happiness is dependent on things. Doing without, and telling our kids why, can be a powerful teacher.

3- Not teaching how to handle money

We live in a very expensive world. Our teens often have no idea of how much living costs. If our kids do not know the cost of a mortgage, car payments and insurance, food and utilities, how will they be able to choose a career path? Good parents teach their children how to spend, how to save and the importance of avoiding debt.

2- Not monitoring media

We live in a perverted and dangerous world. Parents who do not follow their children on social media, and who do not know the shows and movies their kids watch or the music they listen too are not doing their job. Once innocence is lost it is gone forever.

1- Trusting their teenager.

Wise parents do not trust their teenage children. They know where they are, what they are doing and who they are doing it with. Since we were all teens once ourselves we should know the trouble that awaits those kids who lack parental oversight.

-          Bart

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