A Good Man Dies. Or Does He?

Allan Meyer died last week. Although he was in his 80’s it was unexpected. He was a friend to my wife and her family for over fifty years as well as a consistent source of encouragement to me. He was a natural encourager. He seemed to seek us out every Sunday, as if had a special radar he used to seek us out so he could greet us with a smile, a kind word and a silly joke. He was a lover of people who frequently visited friends and church members who were hospitalized. He was a good man. Today is his memorial service. I expect it to be a long one. There is a lot to say about Allan and a lot of people who will want to say it. 

It seems that this is how it works, that the true value of a life comes into clearer focus when it ends. Death is the time when our true worth and accomplishments are understood. Death is the great commonality, an event shared by all regardless of culture, ethnicity, social status or religious faith. It can be delayed but it can never be avoided. Everyone dies. When they do, people reflect on who they were and what they did.

Death also brings with it a question. What comes next? The answer to this question defines all human existence and brings the standard by which all lives are measured. Answers vary, yet all of the possible answers have profound ramifications for how people think and live.

The secular answer to the question of what comes next is simple. Nothing comes next. The  final heartbeat and last breath represent the moment when the person completely and totally ceases to be. Nothing remains of their personality, their emotions, feelings or memories. They are just gone. Death is the absolute end.

People of faith answer the death question differently. For them life follows life. The body ceases to function but the essence of the person, the personality and thoughts, the soul and spirit, continue on. 

Believing that something comes next changes everything. If there is a next life, particularly if it is an enduring life, then earthly actions must be measured not solely on their immediate impact but according to their impact on the life to come. Earthly wealth and accomplishments decrease in importance. Faith assumes the preeminent position and character qualities such as love and faithfulness and a person’s relationship with the Divine outweigh those things which can be seen by the eye. 

While worldly achievements are in large measure dependent on when, where and to whom a person is born  the things that matter for eternity are available to all. Faith, hope and love are gifts that can be received and given by the poorest of the poor.

A person’s true answer to the what “what next” question can be determined from a distance. Those who pursue pleasure and happiness with vigor, who work hard build a name or legacy for themselves, and strive for earthly success are living as if this life is all there is, as if they embrace the secular view. Further evidence of a temporal mindset is seen in rejection of moral absolutes. 

People who hold onto earthly goods more loosely, who are more willing to forego wealth and security in this life and more willing to give their lives for a cause are living as if there is an eternity.

What we believe about death defines our entire existence.

• From what I observed, Allan was a man who believed in eternity. It is why he lived as he did and loved as he did. I look forward to seeing him again.

- Bart

Prayers for Allan's family will be appreciated. He is at peace, it is those who remain who are suffering. 

A Lesson I Learned in Prison

"You're a doctor?” The prisoner’s smile was large and his laughter was deep. “You ain’t no doctor!” He had met doctors before and in his judgment my personality and demeanor were totally inconsistent with the medical profession. He didn't know  me well as our interactions were limited to softball games twice a month. I was part of a church team that had been playing games against the prison team for several years so we didn't see each other often.

Our teams were polar opposites. The prison players were large and muscular men, most of whom were of Hispanic or Black descent, almost all of who were significantly tattooed. We were on the pale, scrawny and inkless end of the athletic spectrum. We had very little in common in our daily lives but found common ground on the softball field.

I was the youngest player on the team. When we first started going to the prison I was just 22 years-old. I was not comfortable back then with starting deep conversations with older men I hardly knew so I related to the prison players the only way I could. Like any self-respecting athlete, I starting talking trash. I soon realized I had unwittingly opened a door to better conversation. My joking insults showed that I viewed them as people, not as targets for conversion. Laughter became a bridge.

For the following 7 years of play I continued to joke and have fun with the inmates. I didn’t talk much about myself so they were not aware that I was attending medical school. The last game I played was the Saturday after I graduated, just before I moved away to start my residency training. Realizing I would never see these men again I intentionally said my good-byes to the prison players between innings. Many shared the one inmate's assessment, I was not like any doctor they had known. To them I was too young and too much of a jokester.

Looking back I see the inmates' amazement as a compliment. The response was not due to a perceived lack of  intelligence or ability, it was because they knew me to be genuine, fun-loving and approachable. As I consider it, I think their perception is something to strive for. It was and is a good thing to be viewed by others first  for who we are and how we treat others, not by our education and profession. A valuable lesson I learned in prison!

 - Bart

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Broken Thinking, Broken Life

Adulterous affairs on business trips. Relapses into addiction after years of sobriety. Violent explosions of temper. I have seen so many seemingly good people inexplicably find themselves in situations they swore they would never be in. In each circumstance the question was the same, “What happened?” The answer was, and is, never a single thing. Tragic outcomes are typically the result of a string of bad decisions.

I think of the married patient who came to be fearful he had contracted an STD from a sexual encounter with a stranger he met in a hotel bar while on a business trip. “I made a bad decision,” was his initial explanation.

“You made a lot of bad decisions,” was my reply, “You had to run through a lot of stop signs on the road before you crashed.” I reviewed with him the bad choices. He chose to go to the bar, to make eye contact with the woman and to buy her a drink and engage in conversation. No one forced him to complement her appearance or to go to her hotel room. He could have, and should have, said “No,” so many times. Just one “No,” may have been the difference between marriage and divorce.

As we talked I thought about how his fall did not begin with wrong action but with wrong thinking. Each bad decision was preceded by a bad thought. Thoughts such as “What is wrong with buying a drink?” or “It is just harmless conversation” were the first signs of danger. I wondered if the first wrong thoughts were negative ones about his wife. Were there unchecked feelings of resentment or dissatisfaction with her appearance that led to his wandering eye? Had he quit thinking of her as a gift from God? Had she become "just another woman" in his mind?

As I look back on my life I can see that every foolish or destructive act I have made was preceded by erroneous thinking. This seems to be the fate of all mankind. We are all plagued with self-deception. The process is described in the New Testament-

“Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:14-15 NLT

James description of the process points us to the solution. When we allow our wrong desires to take hold, when we allow them to simmer unchecked, wrong action is the natural consequence. It is hard to stop the locomotive once it reaches full speed. We need to challenge our thinking and reject the thoughts that lead us astray the moment they enter our minds, to make sure the train never leaves the station!

I know from experience that challenging negative thoughts is worth the effort. Intentionally rejecting negative thoughts about my wife has allowed a deep love and appreciation to grow and flourish, a love and appreciation that causes all other women to pale in comparison. Progress has been slower when it comes to anger, but I have seen that the more I intentionally reject demeaning or degrading thoughts about others and the more I consider them to be children of God the kinder and more patient I become. It seems that when I fight the battle at the level of thought that bad behavior is far less likely.

Which leads to the question- What is going on in your head?

-          Bart

You can listen to more on this topic on the sermons page. I expound on the topic in Part 1 of the series, “A Disease Called Sin.” If you would like me to come and speak to your church event or function, I can be reached on the Contact page. I can also be followed on twitter @bartbarrettmd, or on Facebook at Bart Barrett, MD.

Talking to Yourself Can be a Good Thing

Mornings can be difficult. Some days begin with the feeling that the problems of the day are too much, the challenges too difficult, the work to hard. It seems that you just can’t do it all again. How do find the strength to do it all one more time?

The late pastor and Bible teacher D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones gave an eloquent answer to this problem in his book “Spiritual Depression.” He wrote that we need “to not let our selves speak to us but instead we need to speak to ourselves.”

Out of personal brokenness and fallen nature come negative thoughts and emotions that can drag us down. If we listen to these thoughts, we can find ourselves struggling with depression and discouragement.

The solution? Talk back to ourselves! We need to question and challenge these negative emotions with truth. As I have been "blessed" with anxiety disorder there are many mornings when I need to do this. Here are some of the truths that I speak to my self and that help me get through each day-

- God has gotten you through every other day, He will get you through today.

- It's not about what people think, it's about what God thinks and He knows your  heart.

- You do not need to fear failure, God knows your weaknesses and loves you anyway

- God will give you the strength to do what you need to do when you need to do it.

- This life is not all there is, your hope is eternal

-God judges you based not on your failures or successes but by Christ's sacrifice, so there is no need for fear

I say words like these, take a few deep breaths and then tell myself, “Okay, let’s do this.” And somehow, with help of God, I do, one day at a time.

- Bart

Comments? Please share them! Questions? Please send them! I am on twitter @bartbarrettmd and on Facebook at Bart Barrett, MD. 

Plenty of Sex but no Purpose

He wanted to be checked for STD’s. Alcohol inspired unprotected intercourse with a complete stranger in a foreign country had resulted in an unpleasant burning sensation with urination. He was educated enough to know that this was a sign of a possible infection and that he needed to be tested. He was educated, but that had not kept him from an extremely risky act. I was curious as to what his decision making process was, wondered what the values were that guided his life and how could have been so foolish.

As we talked I learned that he was like many young men I have seen over the years. He didn’t have a well-developed system of values, hadn’t spent much time thinking about why he did what he did. He lived his life in the moment, doing whatever felt right or good at the time.

This approach to life had brought him to a place where he was not only infected with a sexually transmitted disease, he was also unemployed and unsure of what he wanted to do in life. His life resume included a college degree from a respectable university, a fair number of jobs and a large number of sexual partners but it did not include a sense of purpose or direction. He talked about jobs he thought he might like, industries he might want to work in and the lifestyle to which he aspired, focusing on pleasure and finances. What he did not talk about were the things that truly matter in life such as personal character and lasting relationships.

I asked him if he had ever considered pursuing something different, if instead of focusing on the things he wanted to do perhaps considering the type of person he wanted to be. He hadn't. I asked him if he wanted to be married someday. He said he did, so I said, “Think of the type of woman you would want to marry someday, then think of the type of man that woman would want, then try to be that kind of man!” The thought that a quality woman might not be attracted to him was clearly novel to him!

It was also clear that he had not spent any time considering his character and personal development. He hadn't even considered it. As we talked I realized that he had never been mentored or parented, had never had a relationship with a mature and moral man who had the ability to model a truly successful life. Absent such influence there really was no way that he could be any different than he was. I realized he was the unavoidable end product of modern American culture. He was motivated to consume, to experience and to have. Delayed gratification, sacrificial love and personal growth were alien concepts.

My time with him made me realize the terrible mistake parents make when we emphasize achievement and experience over character and growth. We are so obsessed with our children having successful careers that we forget to train them in successful relationships. We have forgotten to teach them that doing well means doing right. That this is no longer a value is evident by parental response to report cards. Almost no one cares about the citizenship grades anymore. It is all about the “A”.

This is not the way we raised our children and built our home. I was blessed with spiritual heritage that taught me perspective and what matters in life. Lisa and I worked hard to teach our children that what mattered most was not the job you did but the character you had. We made sure our children understood that success is not about the things you own. It is about the people you love and serve.

My son illustrates the chasm between our Christian values and the valueless choices of the young patient. Nate is about the same age as the young man who came to my office and their lives are dramatically different, a difference derived from their upbringing. My son has been married for over 2 years to the only girl he ever dated. He loves her dearly, sacrificially and completely. He is a man of faith and family who is in church every Sunday, who calls his mom several times a week and who carves out time for family on a regular basis. Out of a desire to build a life with and for his wife he has applied himself in his work and studies. He values honesty, justice and relationships. He has a clear sense of the type of man he wants to be and he is working on becoming that man. Values matter to him.

My conversation with the young patient was relatively short but is my hope and prayer that our brief interaction will help him look at life in a different way. It is not too late for him, or for any of us, to change our approach. If he realizes that who we are is more important than what we do he may find the sense of purpose and direction he has been lacking, as well as the sense of fulfillment and happiness he desires.

- Bart