One Man's Nightmare, Another Man's dream

He was worried. He had been a well paid executive manager for years and had climbed the corporate ladder to a salary of $300,000 a year. His outlook had been positive and his future secure. Then the market crash came. Now he was out of a job and watching his savings rapidly disappear. He was stressed and worried and his blood pressure was way too high.

We talked about life, financial security and what the future might hold. He was in the midst of a job search but had no solid leads. He expressed concern that he might lose his home if he did not find a suitable job but then talked about his faith and how he was trusting God to help him through the difficult times.

“But what if He doesn’t?” I asked. He was surprised by my question. I explained that while I often hear people talk about trusting God for material blessing and support through difficult times I wasn’t sure that He had promised the level of support people hoped for. Here in America when we think about our "needs" we think of keeping our houses and having a good paying job. In poorer parts of the world people pray for the true necessities of life such as a meal and safety. I shared that what we would consider terrible would be anything but for most people on the planet.

“What is the worst thing that could happen to you?" I asked, "Losing your house and winding up living in a one bedroom apartment in Santa Ana flipping burgers for a living? There are people dodging Border Patrol agents and coyotes for an opportunity like that!” I shared that a one bedroom apartment in Santa Ana would be an answer to prayer for many people in the world.

He paused for a moment, “You’re right,” was his simple reply. As we talked I reminded him that none of the difficulties he currently faced threatened any of the things that mattered most in his life such as his faith or his relationships with his family.

I think about our conversation often, usually when I hear someone's prayer request. It causes me to reflect on what really matters in my life and reminds me not to cling too tightly to my “stuff.” I remember that Lisa and I aren’t really any happier now than we were when we were living in an apartment and barely making ends meet. Back then we found joy in trips to the laundry and cooking meals together. We lived paycheck to paycheck and scrounged up loose change for trips to McDonalds, but we were happy. Even now we realize that our best times are our best times because of who we are with and not because of what we have. True joy comes from our family and not our possessions.

I am also reminded of the danger of putting too much emphasis on what happens in this life. When all is said and done and I am called to give account for my life my financial achievements will not matter at all but the love I gave and the sacrifices I made for others will. Like all men I well be measure by the content of my heart and not the contents of my bank account.

-          Bart

A Jerk Like Me

The email seemed downright mean, albeit efficient. In just two paragraphs the patient managed to criticize my attitude, my responses, my office staff, my computer system, my scheduling system, my treatment of patients and my overall business acumen. Although I was taken aback at the meanness of the message it was the basis for the outburst that most caught me off guard. The email was written in response to a brief message I had sent. My message was, “You are overdue for a visit, please schedule a visit so we can process your refill request.”

I had typed my message quickly in response to an email query from the patient asking me to clarify a previous message. His message seemed straight forward and to need only a brief reply. I was obviously mistaken.

My initial response to the email was defensive. I had done nothing wrong to my knowledge and if there had been an error it was clearly unintentional. The patient had no reason or right to be demeaning. As I thought about what to reply a thought came to my mind. “If your motives are pure, why worry about defending yourself? Why not ask the patient what you can do for him?”

I called the number in the chart and followed up with a brief email saying any failure to communicate on my part was unintentional. To make sure he knew I was sincere I included my personal cell in each communication. We finally connected after a few email and phone tags and he shared with me why he was unhappy. He had struggled with our online system  and he wanted me to know how bad it was. There were a number of system failures and it took a while for him to share them all.

As we talked to things became clear. First, he had indeed struggled with our online system. It is glitchy at times and he had definitely been glitched. Secondly, he was someone who desired excellent service. Excellence was his goal in his business and he expects the same from others. What's wrong with that?

Sometimes excellence is not possible. His struggles were the type of understandable and inevitable communication difficulties associated with email and computers in general, the frustration that comes when we quickly type out questions and answers. Because the communication was about something personal, and because it took of too much of his time it was easy to see each mistake as a personal affront, as an insult to his time and person. In his frustration and impatience he reminded me of… me.

For years I demanded excellence from every vendor, service provider and business with whom I interacted. If I was paying for a service I expected the very best. It took me years to realize that perfection is impossible and that excellence is an elusive goal. I thought I was a professional pursuing excellence. Everybody else saw me as a jerk.

On the majority of occasions I complained about unmet expectations I did so ignorant of how hard the other party had worked to meet my needs. I did not take the time to understand what they were up against, what the standards were in the industry or how much time my demands required. I fear that on many occasions I reacted negatively when someone had done all he or she reasonably could have done to respond to my requests. It never dawned on me that I wasn't paying for perfection, that if I wanted perfect performance from the person handling my medical billing or processing a referral it would cost me a lot more than $20 an hour! How unreasonable I must have seemed to others.

I still struggle with adjusting my expectations. Balancing a desire for excellence and a commitment to grace requires constant effort. I have learned that the effort is absolutely worthwhile. As I grow more patient and understanding my stress levels drop and I still manage to meet the goals I set for my practice. I am also considered to be less of a jerk.

I pray that my patient will learn the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. It is much better to be considered kind and gracious than it is to be viewed as excellent and demanding!

-          Bart

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When Sex is Dirty, We Lose

The world has changed. Things that were once completely unacceptable have become commonplace. Behavior once universally deemed shameful is now openly displayed. I have known this to be true for a while but there are still times when the magnitude of acceptable depravity catches me off guard.

I typically screen movies for content before buying a ticket as there are certain things I choose not to see. I subscribe to a website that describes potentially offensive content and use the descriptions as a guide, with a particular goal of avoiding sexual content. (It is my personal belief that in so doing I honor my wife.)

We recently saw a movie that contained sexual content for which I was not prepared. Their was a scene at the end of the movie that I missed in my pre-movie review. In the scene a young woman promises to allow herself to be used in a vulgar fashion by the protagonist. The act in question was repulsive to me and my wife and, prior to the movie, I thought it was repulsive to others as well.

The scene shattered my illusion. As we walked out of the movie disgusted we both expressed amazement that the act in question was not only portrayed as possible, but desirable. We realized that the film makers must have believed that the audience would agree with their portrayal. How could this be?

I think what we saw was the natural cultural outcome of a lack of moral clarity. Right and wrong are no longer clearly and consistently defined in our culture. In fact, the opposite is now true. We live in a world that values pushing the envelope, that believes moral restraint is something to be rejected instead of embraced. What we observed is the natural consequence of the abandonment of moral standards. If there is no good to be pursued there is no evil to be avoided and the perverse becomes normal.

What is most tragic is what people miss when they reduce sexuality to nothing more than a service one person performs to or for someone else. Love is missed. Intimacy is lost. Marriage loses meaning and loses relevance and stability. 

We went home that night glad that we are different. For thirty-three years we have pursued love, grace, and honor in our relationship with each other. We view intimacy as a sacred gift given to us by our Creator and we have nurtured and protected that gift. The result is a bond that is beautiful and unbreakable, a bond that will endure. A bond that too many others seem to have lost.

- Bart

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Growing in Love after 77 Years

They have been married for 77 years. Les is 97 and Betty is 93. Age has affected them physically, mobility is difficult and they require assistance in caring for themselves and moving around. Even with their motorized scooters getting to the dining room at the assisted living facility has become difficult, so staff brings their meals to them in their small apartment. There seems to always be a styrofoam container of the previous meal present when I come to visit.

Routine is important to people in their nineties and they are no exception. They sit in their same recliners for most of every day, watch the same TV shows (It is ALWAYS on Fox News), and he tells the same jokes over and over again.

There is something else about them that never changes. They love each other. Even more, they like each other. They enjoy one another’s company. A few months ago he was hospitalized twice in a matter of days with pneumonia. There was a concern that he was losing the ability to protect his airway and might not be well enough to remain in their assisted living facility. He was told he needed to go to a nursing home so he could be kept out of the hospital. I told him he could stay in assisted living with his wife if but that if he got sick again he would need to go on hospice or be transferred to a nursing home. Since a nursing home would mean separation from his wife the decision was a simple one for him. He would rather live a few months or less with his wife than live a few years more without her. “I want to stay with Betty,” was his firm answer.

Their story stands in stark contrast to many of the stories I hear in my office. Unhappy marriages are so common they appear to be the norm. Patients who speak fondly of their spouses, who talk about marriage as if it is a gift, stand out as exceptions. When patients hear me talk about being happily married for over 32 years they are often surprised. Long, happy marriages are not something they often see.

I often wonder why this is. 

As with so many things in life I think success in marriage is a matter of choice. Successful marriages occur when a man and woman make a conscious decision to build a quality marriage. Happy couples understand the costs associated with this commitment. Sacrifice and self denial are required daily. Faults need to be overlooked or graciously accepted and effort needs to be made to intentionally focus on the good things in a spouse’s character and personality. Over time, things that once required effort become second nature, and love grows. When we focus on the good in our spouse they grow in value and we enjoy them more. 

Lisa and I are 44 years behind the example set by Les and Betty Miller, my grandparents, but we are on our way. We have experienced firsthand the joy that marriage to your best friend brings, the work required to keep a marriage strong and the contentment that comes from not wanting to be with anyone else. Life with your one love is a very wonderful thing.

- Bart

If you are in a marriage that is unhappy, get help. Your marriage is worth fighting for. If you are in a marriage that is “just okay” get help. Fight to improve it. You will never regret making your relationship with your spouse your top earthly priority! Remember you can subscribe to the blog by clicking the button on the page or follow me on twitter @bartbarrettmd.

A Good Man Dies. Or Does He?

Allan Meyer died last week. Although he was in his 80’s it was unexpected. He was a friend to my wife and her family for over fifty years as well as a consistent source of encouragement to me. He was a natural encourager. He seemed to seek us out every Sunday, as if had a special radar he used to seek us out so he could greet us with a smile, a kind word and a silly joke. He was a lover of people who frequently visited friends and church members who were hospitalized. He was a good man. Today is his memorial service. I expect it to be a long one. There is a lot to say about Allan and a lot of people who will want to say it. 

It seems that this is how it works, that the true value of a life comes into clearer focus when it ends. Death is the time when our true worth and accomplishments are understood. Death is the great commonality, an event shared by all regardless of culture, ethnicity, social status or religious faith. It can be delayed but it can never be avoided. Everyone dies. When they do, people reflect on who they were and what they did.

Death also brings with it a question. What comes next? The answer to this question defines all human existence and brings the standard by which all lives are measured. Answers vary, yet all of the possible answers have profound ramifications for how people think and live.

The secular answer to the question of what comes next is simple. Nothing comes next. The  final heartbeat and last breath represent the moment when the person completely and totally ceases to be. Nothing remains of their personality, their emotions, feelings or memories. They are just gone. Death is the absolute end.

People of faith answer the death question differently. For them life follows life. The body ceases to function but the essence of the person, the personality and thoughts, the soul and spirit, continue on. 

Believing that something comes next changes everything. If there is a next life, particularly if it is an enduring life, then earthly actions must be measured not solely on their immediate impact but according to their impact on the life to come. Earthly wealth and accomplishments decrease in importance. Faith assumes the preeminent position and character qualities such as love and faithfulness and a person’s relationship with the Divine outweigh those things which can be seen by the eye. 

While worldly achievements are in large measure dependent on when, where and to whom a person is born  the things that matter for eternity are available to all. Faith, hope and love are gifts that can be received and given by the poorest of the poor.

A person’s true answer to the what “what next” question can be determined from a distance. Those who pursue pleasure and happiness with vigor, who work hard build a name or legacy for themselves, and strive for earthly success are living as if this life is all there is, as if they embrace the secular view. Further evidence of a temporal mindset is seen in rejection of moral absolutes. 

People who hold onto earthly goods more loosely, who are more willing to forego wealth and security in this life and more willing to give their lives for a cause are living as if there is an eternity.

What we believe about death defines our entire existence.

• From what I observed, Allan was a man who believed in eternity. It is why he lived as he did and loved as he did. I look forward to seeing him again.

- Bart

Prayers for Allan's family will be appreciated. He is at peace, it is those who remain who are suffering.