Boomerangs, Broken Windows and Responsibility

Australians lie. There is no purpose or task for which a boomerang is needed or helpful. From my experience they are nothing more than devices of destruction and mayhem. No matter how many times one reads "the instructions" they never come back when you throw them. Even if they did no finger-loving human would want to catch one in flight. The only possible use of boomerangs is as a tool for lessons in personal responsibility. 

Case in point: When my son was about 7 years old one of the boys in the neighborhood had a boomerang. Nate was playing at their house and asked if he could throw it. He had a pretty strong arm for a little boy and he gave it quite a heave. It was traveling pretty fast when it struck the window of their garage. It is basic law of physics that when an irresistible force strikes an immovable object that the boomerang wins. There was glass everywhere. It was time to buy a new window.

I was across the street when it happened and hurried over to survey the damage. I told the neighbor that we would pay for the window. He initially refused but I insisted. I turned to my son and asked him how much money he had in his piggy bank. "Nine dollars" was his hesitant reply. I told him he would be contributing that amount to the repair of the window and tears welled up in his little eyes, "But it was an accident!" 

I explained that even when we accidentally break something or do harm, something is still harmed or broken and someone will need to fix it. The window had to be replaced, that would cost money, and because the damage came from him he was responsible to for it.  We have to take responsibility for the consequences of our own actions even when they are unintentional. This wasn't punishment, it was just the way life worked. We went home and retrieved his life savings and I added the remainder. The neighbor graciously did the repair himself. 

Reflecting back on the story I am reminded that personal responsibility is a lost value. People are often quick to apologize but very slow to make amends. It seems no one wants to be held accountable for their mistakes. I see this all the time. Just this week we received a bill from a medical office. We were surprised because we had been asked to "pay in full" at the time of service had done so. The collections agent explained that they had made a mistake and "forgotten" to charge us for a portion of the services. My response that "payment in full" typically means you have "paid in full" and that we should therefore not have to pay for their mistake fell on deaf and uncaring ears. 

I have made similar billing mistakes in my practice but my worldview is different from that of the other medical office. In every circumstance I bear the expense of our mistakes. Both me and my son can attest that accepting responsibility is costly. Apologies are not. Here's hoping for a resurgence of responsibility in the world.

- Bart

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The Cult is Having a Sale

The cult was having a sale and women’s ministry in the church wanted to go. When I pointed out to them that the store in question was run by a cult their plans didn't change. The only thing that changed was their attitude about me. It seemed obvious to me that there are certain things that Christians should not do and that if I made aware they would choose to avoid  questionable behaviors. I was wrong.

I learned that many Christians only consider morality in the extreme cases such as theft and adultery. If the bible is not explicit then no thought is given to rightness or wrongness. People are free to do what they want and none dare question it.

This was surprising to me because I have questioned my own behavior since adolescence. There have always been things I clearly could not do because of moral concerns. There were other things I chose not to do when morality was unclear. Even as a teen I would not go to parties if alcohol was being served and I didn’t attend R-rated movies. I didn't want to chance it.

The sale at the cult-owned quilting store seemed something the women might want to avoid. The store in question was unique. It was the primary source of income for a small religious commune in Orange County. The leader of the cult was a feisty woman who defied government authority and who taught that Jesus was nothing more than a man. I did not think that the church would want to directly contribute to such a cult by patronizing its business.

My first thought when I saw the flyer for the shopping event was that the leaders were unaware of the store’s backstory. The store did not overtly proclaim its mission and theology, instead choosing to present itself as nothing more than a neighborhood country store. I assumed that when the leaders learned the full story of the store that they would choose to shop elsewhere. I was wrong. I was accused of being judgmental and legalistic, unreasonable and disrespectful.

When I asked how, knowing what they knew, they could justify encouraging women of the church to shop at the store their answer left me dumbfounded. I was told that the store stocked some hard to find items and that it would be inconvenient to try and find them elsewhere. My concern that making the shopping trip a church sponsored event might lead some to believe that the church was supportive of the store’s mission was dismissed out of hand.

Over the years I have learned that my attitude about morality makes me an outlier. I live in a world in which the majority of people are not guided by values and principles. What matters most is what people feel and what people want. If making a stand is difficult or inconvenient most people will choose not to make it at all. 

The sad reality is that when values are sacrificed when they become costly, they aren’t worth anything.

-          Bart

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For those who are wondering, the cult store is still in business. It is the Piecemakers store in Costa Mesa, California.

Parenting by iPad

I see it more and more in the office. Little children with an iPad or an iPhone in their hands. Some are too young to speak in full sentences yet they can clearly communicate their desire to watch a movie or play a game. Mom and dad rapidly comply with their wishes as it accomplishes their primary objective, a quiet child. While I can understand the desire to be able to interact with another adult without being continually distracted by your child I fear that there are unintended consequences ahead for these parents and children.

My concerns are increased by how often I see  this parenting behavior outside my office. It can be seen almost anywhere we see parents and their children. Children riding in the child seats in shopping carts, at tables in restaurants, in church pews and even at family gatherings can be seen sitting alone staring at a miniature video screen. The children appear to be happy, content and quiet, yet I wonder. When did quiet children become the ultimate parenting goal?

While the unending questions of a toddler can be wearisome, they are an essential part of intellectual and social development. Through them the child learns not only how to speak and communicate but also how the world works. These repetitive conversations help forge a relationship of trust and respect with parents. Parents learn the personality and interests of their children and strengthen the bond they share. Children learn from what goes on around them. They learn appropriate social interaction from watching adults interact. They also learn patience and self control. None of this happens when the child sits in a corner with an iPad.

While a child's quietness may make a parent's life easier for the moment, this is not a healthy goal. Good parenting has never been easy. I fear that the current generation of parents has either never learned or has already forgotten that we do not have children for ourselves. Children are not toys or playmates to be called upon when entertainment is desired. They are a gift from God, made in His image, given to parents to be loved, trained and served. Children need parents who will sacrifice for them, who will answer the repeated questions and play the silly games, who will love them, listen to them and give them attention.

There is no app for that.

- Bart

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My Patient the Polygamist

She was a polygamist but she didn’t know it. When she arrived at the office she was asked to confirm her demographic information. Under the section for marital status the box for "polygamist" was clearly checked. The patient, who is in a same sex relationship, laughed loudly, “I couldn’t get married at all until two years ago, now I’m married to more than one person!”

We continued to laugh about it when I came into the exam room. I said, only half-jokingly, “That may be legal before too long!” She got a slightly puzzled look on her face and said, “You think so?”

The conversation that followed surprised me. I was fearful that a discussion between a Christian doctor and a lesbian patient on the nature of marriage might not end well. We live in a world where people on opposite sides of the issue have used terms such as “hateful” and “immoral” to describe those with opposing viewpoints. I chose my words carefully, and proceeded with caution.

I shared with her that the definition of marriage in our society was evolving, and since it was evolving there was no way of knowing for certain what the endpoint would be. I added that the reasoning used by the Supreme Court in its decision affirming same sex marriage could potentially be applied in a way that supported polygamy as well. I said this in a matter of fact way, avoiding any tone that might imply anger, fear or emotion. She agreed with my thoughts, that things had changed and the endpoint was unknown.

I went on to add that it was the evolving nature of things that was the actual source of the debate. Rather than the debate being specifically about marriage, I expressed my thought that there are two viewpoints involved. One part of society believes that values come from outside of society and should endure and not change over time. Another group believes that values should evolve along with society.

Those who believe that values should endure are naturally concerned with the changes that have happened in our country and wonder where we are going. They are naturally opposed to changes in the value system. Her response was perfect in its understanding, “Of course they are!”

I went on to say that those who believe that values evolve over time would naturally tell others, “Who are you to tell me that I cannot live my life the way that I choose? Why should you be able to impose your values on me?” We both agreed on this statement as well.

And that was the end of it, the best possible outcome. Two people with different perspectives and values, two people who did not even agree on the correct way to define values, agreed with one another that reasonable, thoughtful people could reach different conclusions without calling one another names or thinking ill of one another.

How about that?

-          Bar

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