How I Define Marriage

Marriage is important to me. It is now and it was 33 years ago when Lisa and I stood before our friends, our family and our God and promised to be faithful for the rest of our lives. 

I was only 20 when we took our vows yet I understood the significance of the moment. That ceremony did not merely mark the beginning of a legal arrangement or the change of Lisa’s name, it was the declaration that we were entering a relationship ordained by God from the beginning of time. From that moment on we would be one. Personal agendas and individual goals were cast aside. Everything we did for the rest of our lives would be done not as a man and as a woman but as a husband and a wife. Every deed and every word would be a reflection of who we were as a couple and a family and not just as individuals.

As we planned the wedding I considered how we could communicate to those in attendance the significance and meaning of the ceremony. I desperately wanted to tell the world that our union was spiritual and holy in the eyes of God and that we were promising to serve Him together. We decided that the best way to accomplish this would be to take communion together as our very first act as man and wife.

At the completion of our vows, we knelt and took the bread and the wine together. Communion is a sacrament established by Jesus Himself, intended to represent the sacrifice He had made for His people. His body was broken and His blood was shed when He was crucified, nailed to a cross. He did so as payment for the sins of His people. By taking communion we were telling all in attendance that we recognized the sacrifice Jesus had made and that the primary purpose of our marriage was to reflect the perfect sacrificial love that Jesus had for us.

The Bible teaches that this is the purpose of marriage. The husband is to love his wife with the same sacrificial love that Jesus displayed for His bride (the church) and that the wife is to love and honor her husband as the church is to love and honor Christ. We wanted our marriage to reflect that level of love and sacrifice.

While we taking communion my friend sang a song, the words of which perfectly expressed our desire for our future-

“As for me and my house we will serve the Lord, now and forever more. He’ll be our God, we’ll be His people. And in the bond of His covenant, we share the bread that is heaven sent, ever mindful to be thankful of the One who sent His Son.”

This promise has sustained us for 33 years. When the tough times came, we reminded ourselves of our commitment. Just as Jesus would never leave us or forsake us, so we would never we leave or forsake one another. Just as Jesus saw our rebellion and sin and chose to die for us, so we also have worked to love and sacrifice for one another even when we did not deserve it.

The oneness that we declared on the sixteenth of July 33 years ago has become a greater reality with each passing year. We are who we are as individuals because of who we are together and I could not be more grateful. While Lisa is not perfect, she is the perfect wife for me. 

Bart

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Fatherless on Father's Day

I have not seen my father since 1993. He is still alive and he could see me if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to.  In his mind I am not worth it. I failed to perform as desired, I did not meet his expectations so in his mind he was absolved of all parental responsibilities. He was done with me.

He was not always disgusted with me. There were a few occasions when he actually was proud of me and showed it. At my medical school graduation ceremony, after receiving my diploma I turned to the audience and saw my father standing on his chair pumping his fist in the air. It meant so much to me to see that I had finally gained his approval and made him happy. It didn’t last. Disownment was just 30 months away.

In the 22 years since I last saw my dad I have asked myself how it is that a father could disown a child. It is hard to imagine what is required to justify such an act. It makes sense if a child is a monster (I would not have faulted Osama Bin Laden’s dad for not making the trip to the compound in Pakistan!) but for a true father it should be almost impossible to let go.

My kids have reached adulthood and letting go is quite difficult for me. My son is 25 and has been married for three years but he is still my boy. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and want to hear about his life. It takes effort to not call him. My daughter still lives at home and wonders when the questions will stop. I ask her about every aspect of her life and look for any opportunity to spend time with her. They are my kids and I am their dad. It is what I do.

When I think about what it means to be a dad, this is the thing that seems most important. A dad is always there, whenever needed and often times when he isn’t. A true dad is an emotional rock his children can stand on, a shelter where refuge can be found in the storms of life and a fixed point of reference to show the way when vision is cloudy. A dad is a dad 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It is what he does.

While I never had this from my father I did not live my whole life without it. My father-in-law lived it for me for 23 years. He was a quiet man who seldom spoke his affection, but he had the “always there” part of being a dad mastered. For him it was unconditional. He was there financially to bail his kids out, even when they had been foolish with their money. He fixed our cars when the accidents were our fault. There are no words to describe the comfort I felt simply knowing that if things went bad, “Pops” would be there for me, or the anxiety that I feel now that he is gone. He did what every father is supposed to do. He was a model of the love our Heavenly Father has for us.

I take great comfort in knowing that God’s love for us is not dependent on our behavior, it is dependent on His character. He is always there, always loving, always forgiving and always merciful. He is our rock, our hiding Place, our refuge, our defender, and our comforter. He is our one true Father who will never leave us or forsake us.

He is the Father to the Fatherless. He is father to me.

-          Bart

Happy Father’s day. Feel free to share stories about your dad in the comments. If you are interested in hearing me speak, you can check out the sermons page for audio links or visit me on vimeo, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett. A new message that includes a great story of a father’s love was just uploaded. Click on the message, “A life lived well”

My previous post on being disowned by my father is available here

A Dad, A Son and a Couple of Dreams

Me and Nate, 1990

Life takes us by surprise, even when we plan ahead. We work tirelessly and single-mindedly toward a goal and are still caught off guard when it is achieved. The success we always dreamed about seems surreal once attained. We find ourselves asking, like the little boy in the YouTube video, “Is this real life?”

I remember holding my son the day he was born, totally in awe of the wonder and miracle of his little life. Lisa and I were infertility patients and had long wondered if we would ever be parents. As I held him in my arms it did not seem real, or even possible.

A few months later we stood together as a family in front of our church family to formally dedicate ourselves to raising Nate in accordance with God’s word and promises. Over the years we had sat in the pews and watched as other families made similar commitments, wondering if we would ever be similarly blessed. It was an emotional moment for us. I held my son in my arms as we affirmed our promise to love and protect our son, to raise him in a home where God’s word would be read, honored and obeyed. We were overwhelmed at God’s goodness, it did not seem real.

Just a few weeks later our family passed another dreamed of milestone. It had taken me 9 years of work, but on a sunny day 25 years ago my family watched as I finally received my medical degree. After the ceremony I stood in my cap and gown with my son in my arms, amazed that the moment had actually arrived.

Yesterday I sat with my family and watched as my son and his wife shared such a moment for themselves. They have been a couple since they were 16 and have been married for three years. For all of those three years he has been in law school at UCLA, balancing the demands of a challenging course load and a brutal commute with his commitments to his family. It was a long and difficult journey but they completed it together.

As I watched him hug his wife, I realized that Lisa and I were completing a journey as well. We had made a promise to God, our family, our church and to one another to do our best to raise our son to be a godly man. Standing before us was such a man. The little boy that I once, in amazement, held in my arms, had just achieved his greatest goal with the woman he loved at his side. It doesn’t seem real.

Me and Nate, May 15, 2015

What I am most proud of is not the degree he earned or the honors he received. He worked hard not for accolades and recognition but out of a desire to do good, to provide for his family and to honor his God. The people in his life and the God he serves are far more important than the diploma in his hand.

My prayer for my son is that he will continue to serve the God who has sustained us and loved us, the one who has given more than we could imagine and hope for and who has allowed us to realize so many of our dreams.

- Bart

What Makes a Great Mother?

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child" so go the words of the classic spiritual. The words describe my childhood. I was not motherless, but sometimes I felt like I was. Alcoholic and possibly depressed, my mother was unable to love as a mother should. My twin and I grew up in a home empty of praise yet filled with verbal abuse, where affection was rare but beatings were common. It was not until I met Lisa that I learned what love truly was.

For the last 25 years I have been blessed by watching a wonderful mother in action. Lisa is the ultimate mom. She does all of the things my mother wouldn’t or couldn’t do, loves our children in all the ways a mother should. Here are the lessons she has taught me about what great moms do. 

Great Moms-

- Listen to their children. They listen to their stories, their fears, their hopes and their dreams and the delight in hearing all of them.

- Appropriately protect their children. I say appropriately, for good moms don't protect their children from the consequences of their actions of from deserved discipline. They do protect their children from abuse and unwarranted punishment. There have been a number of times when I was tempted to overreact to something my children did and Lisa was always their working to calm me down and show me the hearts of my children. She saved me from myself and guarded my relationship with my kids.

- Know the hearts of their children. Lisa has an amazing ability to see the true feelings or fears that lay behind every act. She sees what I do not, feels pains that I would overlook.

- Forgive. Kids can be mean and selfish great moms forgive and love anyway.

- Pray for their children, desiring God’s best for their lives. Lisa prays the desperate aching heart prayers of a devoted mom.

- Love sacrificially. I have watched in amazement over the years as time and again Lisa has set aside her interests and put the children first. Whether it be saving the last piece of cake or taking a smaller portion of a meal, or giving time she simply did not have, she has always put the children first.

- Are available. Lisa has stayed up late, gotten up early and set aside her own agenda day after day. She has always been there. Our children have grown up secure because of Lisa, their safety net, hiding place and comforter.

- Laugh and play. One of the greatest joys of my life is hearing the laughter of my wife and children. Lisa is the queen of delight, finding joy in who are children are and what they do.

- Love their husbands. I realize not all husbands are lovable, and many are not even around to love. But Lisa's love has helped me be a better father. I would have been a failure without her.

There are no words and no greeting cards that can adequately express the impact a good mother can have on her children. I will just say that a good mother is truly a gift from God.

- Bart

A Little Boy's Birthday, A Mother's Suicide

On their birthdays, nine year-old little boys should not come home from school and find their mother dead. John did.

I met John when he was in his early twenties. My church had decided to rent a large home in a local neighborhood and open it up to young men who were homeless and needed a fresh start. My best friend was put in charge of the ministry and he invited me to come along and help. I cooked and cleaned and supervised the house when he was gone. I was only 19 but I was committed and responsible. I was also ill equipped and unprepared for men like John.

John was down on his luck, jobless and out of money when someone from the church happened to meet him. The home had just opened and the church member thought we could help John get back on his feet so he brought him by. We sat down with John, told him the house rules and agreed to let him stay. It did not take long for me to learn John’s story and discover how difficult his past had been and how challenging the road ahead was going to be.

On John’s 9th birthday he had come home from school and found his mother in the garage, hanging by her neck from the rafters. She had committed suicide. Happy Birthday John. The remainder of John’s childhood involved temporary homes and terrible insecurity. He did not receive the counseling and love he needed and his young life was filled with more emotional pain than he could handle. When he became a teen he took solace in drugs and they ravaged his body. His gaunt, pale and pock-marked face declared to the world that he was someone who was unhealthy both inside and out. He lacked social skills, job skills and self-discipline.

John was a talker and we spent many late evenings together in conversation. Whenever we talked about the future, about what he would need to do to make a life for himself, he would turn the conversation to the tragedy of his past. It was as if he was saying that it was impossible for someone with his past to ever succeed in life, as if what his mother had done had sealed his destiny. It seemed he thought he was supposed to fail and that as a result any effort he made to succeed, any attempt at normalcy, every job interview and each day of sobriety, was to be praised and celebrated. He craved the unconditional love that he had been denied as a child.

Unfortunately for John, each small step forward was typically accompanied by a stumble or a fall. It was difficult to give him the praise he desired and desperately needed as it would have required us to ignore behaviors that were harmful. He needed so much more than we were able to give. Eventually he left, unable to keep a job our follow the rules. I do not know if he ever turned his life around.

Looking back, I think our church leadership was naïve in its approach to the ministry. It was as if they believed that all troubled young men needed was a place to live and Jesus. The thinking seemed to be that if they had a bed to sleep in, food to eat and a Bible to read that all would be okay. There was no talk of providing professional counseling or 12-step programs, no concept of the years it would take for someone like John to change and grow. We had good hearts and intentions but lacked the training and expertise.

In spite of our inadequacies it was not the church’s fault that John did not succeed. We did give him a chance he otherwise would not have had. He was given some good advice and an opportunity to change yet because of his troubled past he was unwilling or unable to listen to and receive the counsel of others. In spite of the reality that all of his choices had resulted in disastrous outcomes he continued to make his choices alone, refused to submit to the leadership of others. He could not fully trust others and trusting himself was futile. He needed so much more than we could give and needed to do so much more than he was willing.

I will never forget John and the lessons he taught me. I have encountered many “Johns” in my 20 years of practice, men and women with terrible pasts who face terrible futures. I still struggle to find a way to encourage them to get the help they need and still mourn when I see them make bad decisions. Whenever I counsel people like John I am reminded of how crucial love and direction are early in life, how children need to be taught to be healthy. Without a healthy foundation a healthy life is hard to build.

-          Bart

Comments, questions and feedback are always welcomed and appreciated. A reminder, my book on the Ten Commandments, Life Medicine, is available on Amazon. If your church or small group is interested in using the book contact me directly, as I have set aside books for donation. A small group study guide is accessible via this website. Finally, please share information about this blog with your friends!