The Key to avoiding conflict in your marriage

Ever wonder why you fight? A recent patient interaction illustrates a common reason-

The visit was for a physical. His form stated his marital status as “divorced” so I asked him about it. They had been married for 26 years. It had not always been wonderful, but he thought they were making progress. A few months prior to the visit he went for a week long trip, and when he returned she was gone, packed up and moved back in with her parents. No real reason as far as he could tell. They had discussed “it” many times, yet he still wasn't sure what had happened.

I wasn't sure how to help him understand, so I simply did what Family Doctors are trained to do. We are taught that common things occur commonly, so I looked for a common cause of "unexplained" conflict. Frequently, sudden decisions are emotional decisions, so I ventured a guess- maybe she just felt really unhappy and didn't know why.

 “Some people are very emotional, and just feel things," I said, "the feeling is so strong that they just believe it,  and then afterwards work to develop an explanation for the feeling. If you try to rationally show them why their explanation doesn't make sense, they may not be able to let go of the feeling. Instead they will just come up with another explanation, and then another.  Since they feel it so strongly, they are sure it must be true. Maybe she just felt really unhappy, and you were blamed.”

“THAT'S IT! YOU NAILED IT!” He replied.

While diagnosing the cause of the conflict was easy, providing a cure for such conflicts is not. How do you deal with conflict that is based in emotions? The key is to realize it is an emotional conflict and to learn that emotions can't always be trusted.

A question I often ask people who seem to be driven by emotions in this- “Is it possible to feel something strongly and believe something deeply and be wrong?” Almost everyone answers "yes," but then is stumped by the follow up question, “So how do you know when you are right?” If we can't trust our feelings, what do we trust?

Stories such as this patient's lead to me to reflect on my own marriage and how we have been able to avoid such conflicts. I think it might be because as people of faith we believe that our own thoughts and emotions are inherently flawed and untrustworthy. We naturally question our feelings and measure them by an external standard. (As Christians, it the teachings of the Bible that provide us with a standard.)

For people who have no such external compass, no standard by which their thoughts can be measured, resolution is much more difficult. When spouses disagree it devolves into an argument about which person is “right” and which person is “wrong.” The dispute is either “won” by the better debater, or by the person whose feelings are the strongest. Most often, no one wins and the conflict is never fully resolved.

Personally, I have learned that when I start from a place of "Maybe feelings are wrong," agreement is less elusive, and arguments and conflict can be avoided. (Of course if I start with “I am wrong and she is right” there is no argument at all!) Next time you have a conflict, don't automatically trust your feelings. Question your emotions, and challenge your thoughts. You may be surprised.

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8 Memorable Christmas Gifts

The gifts we remember the longest are not always the best or the most expensive. It is the gifts that create memories, the gifts that are a part of a story that endure. With that definition in mind, here are some of the most memorable gifts I gave or received-

1- A blue 3-speed bike, with a basket. The gift embodies my childhood. My older brother got a 10-speed, the ultimately cool bike of that era, and my twin and I got 3-speeds with a basket. It's good I was too young for a man card, for a bike with a basket would have resulted in instant revocation. To add insult to injury, on the inaugural ride later that morning I didn't pay attention to where I was going and crashed into the neighbor's camper and damaged the bike.

2- A ukelele. There is nothing wrong with a ukelele- I just didn't want one. At All. I had been taking banjo lessons, so somehow my father concluded that I would like a ukelele. Uh... no. It is reminds me how, as a child of divorce, my father did not know me very well at all. (He apparently knew my twin brother who got a totally awesome catcher's mitt! But I am not jealous...)

3- A table-top Pac-man video game. A gift from Lisa our first Christmas together. I played it for hours. It is a part of one of our favorite memories, as I took it (and a large container of her awesome Christmas sugar cookies) with us on a weekend trip to Big Bear. We stayed in a rickety cabin, it snowed, and we found a secluded hill where we inner tubed in the fresh snowfall. Best. First. Christmas. Ever.

4- Stinky golf-ball Christmas ornaments, emblazoned with cheesy golf cliches. I am not making this one up. My mother, who I rarely saw, came by my office unannounced to drop off the “gift”. The packaging reeked of smoke, and the ornaments were not suitable for any sane person's Christmas tree. A symbol of my relationship with my my mother, wrapped in a bow.

5- A Jane Fonda workout tape. I actually gave this to Lisa. What kind of an idiot is so stupid as to give his wife a workout tape for Christmas? This kind of idiot.

6- A photo mug. Lisa took 6 year-old Nate and one year-old Jamie shopping at the mall. They posed for one of those “put your photo on a mug” mugs to give me as a gift. Nate was so excited. He burst through the door when they got home, loudly proclaiming, “Daddy, we got you a mu-,” before realizing he wasn't supposed to say anything! We still laugh at this one.

7- Puff paint T-shirts. We were tight on money in 1989. It was my last year in medical school, and Lisa was 8 months pregnant. We set ourselves a limit of $25 to spend on each other, so I bought T-shirts and a Teddy Bear stencil. I painted bears on the shirts, one for each of us, and wrote the words “Baby Barrett”, “Mommy Barrett” and “Daddy Barrett” on the t-shirts. The shirts were a big hit. It was not then, nor is it now, about the money.

8- A bat handle hat rack. In 2004 I moved into my new office. Each room has a theme, and for the baseball room I wanted a baseball bat hat rack. I had seen one online and thought it would be awesome. I put it on my list. My father-in-law couldn't find one to buy online, so he made one. He went to a bat factory and bought broken bats for two of the handles, and then made two bat handles on his lathe. It was perfect. He was like that. He made things for the people he loved, and he made it clear then that he loved me. It was the last Christmas I shared with him (he died 4 months later) but the gift and the memory remain.

These are some of my memories, I would love to hear yours. Here is praying that your Christmas will be filled with wonderful stories and happy memories, but most of all that you will remember the greatest Gift of all, the Savior who was born.

Got any gift stories? Share them in the comments!

You may be praying wrong

Our adult group sends out prayer requests through email a few times a week. As I am sure is the case with many such groups, these requests primarily revolve around physical and financial issues- someone is sick or injured, or someone is in need of a job. Pretty standard stuff. With this mindset of community prayer, as I was reading through the book of Colossians, I was struck right off by what Paul prayed for. Early on in Chapter 1 vs 9 he declares his prayer for the recipients of his letter-

“we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,”

He prayed-

• That they would be filled with the knowledge of His will, through all spiritual wisdom and understanding

• In order that they might live a life worthy of the Lord.

  It is interesting what he did not pray for. He did not pray for a change in their circumstances or improvement in their earthly condition! I wonder if that is why he prayed they would “get” God's will. Makes sense to me, as recognizing and understanding that my current crummy state is in fact God's will for my life is definitely going to require a wisdom I do not currently have!

Wonder also, if Paul was hinting that God's will for us is something that is different than what we would think or expect. Paul seemed to have a much better understanding of the long term will of God, His eternal plans and design, and a greater ability to live his life with that in mind. In fact, it seems that Paul's ability to endure all of the ridiculous abuses and persecutions he faced came about as a direct result of his ability to place things in the correct eternal context.

This is suggested by the second part of Paul's prayer, his reason for praying for understanding of God's will, “that they might live worthy lives”. Worthy means “appropriate”. He wanted the Colossians to live like the children of God that they were.

In the office I had a conversation with a Christian who is an alcoholic. The patient had been trying to serve God, but continued to battle a drinking problem, one day teaching a youth Bible study, the next day downing a whole bottle of wine after dinner. As I tried to encourage the patient, I shared my favorite line from the Lion King- the scene where the “ghost” of Simba's father says to him, “Remember who you are.”

I shared, “Remember who you are, you are a child of Almighty God, chosen by Him from all eternity to be his child. God wants you to live like it!”

As we talked, it was clear that part of the reason for the drinking was a focus on earthly struggles which distracted from a true understanding of the eternal will of God. And that the correct prayer was not simply, “Help the drinking stop”, but rather, “Give a full understanding of your Person and your eternal will, the perspective that will allow this person to live a life worthy of you, a life free from alcohol and focused on your kingdom.”

I need to pray better! How about you?

Mourning a patient's loss

In my first blog post I shared the story of how listening to my “gut”, that quiet voice of disquiet inside, led me to diagnosing a blood clot in a patient.

I have not seen the patient in several weeks, I found out why today when her husband came in for a visit. Just a few weeks after I made the clot diagnosis, she died. The clot was not a result of air travel as I had thought but was instead due to lung cancer that had spread through out her body. Before he even had a chance to make sense of the diagnosis (if one can) his 54 year-old wife of 19 years was gone.

I was stunned when he told me, rendered speechless (which is quite a feat). She had seemed so healthy and alive.

As we talked I was amazed at how well he was doing. I should not have been so surprised as he is a man of very strong faith with a firm assurance that he will see his wife again. What a blessed hope he has.

Today was a reminder of how brief life is. James describes it well, “You do not know what your life will be like tomorrow, you are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away” (James 4:14 NASB).

Let's savor every moment that God gives us, honor Him day by doing our best to live for Him and love for Him every chance we get, for who knows how many chances we have left.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was in tears today, I was deeply moved at his loss. He and his family will be a part of my prayers this Christmas, and hopefully a part of yours as well.

An annoying patient... how should I respond?

I received an email from a patient over labor day weekend. It read, “It is totally my fault for not scheduling sooner, but my son needs a sports physical so he can participate in workouts this week. I don't want to take him out of class, so I would like an appointment after 3:15.”

My initial response was. “Seriously?”

The schedule was already packed. I only had 3 afternoon appointments left for the short week, which would certainly quickly fill with patients who had unexpected needs such as illness or injury.

I issued a prompt denial via email saying I did not have any openings, defending my stance by reasoning, “It's her fault, she failed to plan!”

That, to me, was the issue. She made the mistake, and now she was asking my office staff and I to bail her out. I was miffed, and I replied to her message saying we did not have any afternoon appointments available. I marinated in my miffed-ness for a few hours, and then realized that my schedule really was a mess. I looked again at the schedule for the week and saw that I needed to add appointments. I did not have enough openings to meet the normal demands of a short post-holiday week. I told the staff I would give up my Wednesday morning off. Since I then had 10 extra slots for the week I had my receptionist call her and offer one of the openings Wednesday morning, or an afternoon opening the following week. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was really the best I could do.

What I didn't do that I would have done 5 years ago is give her a lecture on how unreasonable she was! (not that the thought didn't cross my mind!).

While my initial thoughts were more annoyed than gracious, I hope my ultimate response was appropriate and reflective of how I would want to be treated in a similar circumstance. Isn't this what the Golden Rule is about? Treating others as we would want to be treated? Grace is difficult, and does not come easily to me even in small matters, but I am learning!