What do you do when a friendship ends?

Meeting people is easy. Making friends is hard. Keeping friendships alive is even harder. Losing friends can be heartbreaking. How do we respond? This is something I am still trying to figure out...

I have never been good at making friends. I make acquaintances well and my profession and personality lead to me knowing many people and being known by many more.  In spite of this, finding a person to whom I can open up, someone who I know will be there for me in a pinch, has been much more difficult. For this reason the few close friends I have are extremely important to me. It is also why losing a friend is so difficult.
I fear I might have lost a friend in the last year. Over the last few years a casual friendship grew into one I would call close. Close enough to where he was my only last minute friend, the one I could call the same day and ask, “Free for lunch?”
We were different in many ways, but seemed to share many of the same struggles and goals. We have each battled anxiety disorder and we share a common commitment to family and faith. As a result we have been able to talk about life and its challenges in a context we both understand. My family has loved him as well. They have enjoyed his stories and quirky sense of humor.
I use the past tense because all of that seemed to disappear. Without telling me why, he simply quit. He quit returning phone calls, answering emails and responding to Facebook messages. It was as if he had simply disappeared from my life. One day he was there, the next day he wasn’t.  I had no idea what was going on.
Later on I learned that he had failed to keep an important promise. It seems that rather than tell me what was happening and working things out he decided to walk away. Anxiety and embarrassment were too much for him to deal with, so he didn’t deal with them. 
Knowing that his anxiety disorder is contributing to his problems doesn’t soften the blow all that much. It hurts.
The saddest part of this is that if he had just told me, if he had just been honest, we could have figured it out. Friendship and trust mean so much more to me than a single mistake. I was sure he knew this about me, but perhaps he didn’t, or couldn't. I am left wondering how a friend could act in such a way. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what.
And then I remember Simon Peter, Jesus’ most vocal friend and follower. Peter was the one who boldly proclaimed to Jesus that if it came to it, he would willingly die at his Master’s side. And then, when it came to the point where he might actually have to die at Jesus’ side, he ran. He fled from Jesus’ side and watched from afar while Jesus was crucified, all the while denying to anyone who asked even knowing Jesus at all.
What happened to Peter? Life happened. Fear happened. Shame happened. But that is not all that happened. A few weeks later, when Peter met Jesus again after the resurrection on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, grace, forgiveness and restoration happened as well. Peter was given another chance to prove himself, another chance to be the friend he wanted to be. Just a few months later Peter was hauled before the same Jewish leaders that had condemned Jesus to death. This time, Peter stood firm and proved to be the friend he had promised to be.
I am also reminded of the God I serve and of the people he saves. We are all broken, all damaged and all sinful. We all mess up, let others down and fail to meet expectations and hopes. But we serve a God of resurrection, a God who can take death and bring life. I have seen him restore health, life and relationships so many times, I know he can do it again.
I do not know what the future holds for my friend and I, but I do know that wherever God is, there is hope. Here’s to hoping that our futures will be filled with true, faithful and enduring friendships, and that I can be the type of friend others can rely on.

So how do I respond? I remember the promise from Proverbs 18:24- "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." I have a God who loves me and a Savior who will never let me go. I mourn the loss and feel the pain, but cling to the hope found in the One who will never leave me or forsake me. I turn my focus upward.

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Are You a Good Judge of Character?

So many of us struggle with trust, and everyone gets let down by others. There are a lot of unreliable and deceitful people in this world who can hurt us, and they can be difficult to avoid. Part of the problem may be that so many of us do a terrible job of judging the character of others and end up trusting the wrong people.

I am a terrible judge of character. It may be because I naively tend to believe in others or it might be that I rely too much on appearances. A large part is because, like so many others, I make generalizations and assumptions. I think of one patient I have known for years. I thought she had it together. She was funny, outgoing, always well dressed and put together, physically fit and from all I could tell, devoted to family. She was my patient for 15 years before I learned that she also had been downing a bottle of whiskey a night the entire time she was my patient!

As often as I fail by assuming people are good, I think I more often fail in the opposite direction, reaching negative conclusions about people based on superficial  appearances, generalizations and assumptions. This may be why I love teaching the Sunday School lesson I taught this week.

This week's lesson- The story of Rahab from the Old Testament book of Joshua. Rahab lived in the city of Jericho, a city with massive walls that stood in the way of the people of Israel's entrance into the Promised Land. Her introduction to readers in Joshua 2 is not at all flattering. Israeli spies are said to have entered the city and gone to the home of "a prostitute name Rahab." A prostitute. Not how a woman would be prefer to be known. This label never left her. In the New Testament book of Hebrews, when a brief account of her faith is given, she is called "Rahab the Harlot."

Many things come to mind when one hears the word "prostitute", faith, courage and dedication are not among them. But they are when it comes to Rahab. This woman, who for years had lived an immoral life, was different from all of the other people in her city. While it seems that everyone in the city had heard how God had done miraculous deeds on behalf of the Israelites, how they had won major battles and conquered powerful armies, Rahab's response to the news was different. While all were afraid, Rahab reached a unique conclusion. Rahab believed that the stories were evidence that the God of Israel was real, powerful and true. She concluded that He was a God to be feared and served.

Rahab's faith led to action. The Israelite spies stayed in her home, and when messengers from the King of Jericho came looking for them she hid the spies and helped them escape, risking her life for the servants of the Lord. As she helped them escape, she proclaimed her faith in the One True God and asked for protection. Later, When the city of Jericho fell, Rahab and her family were the only ones spared. Rahab turned from her immoral life, married an Israelite and became an enduring example of faith. (Rahab is mentioned on a number of occasions in the bible, including being listed in the lineage of Jesus Christ. She was the great grandmother of the Old Testament King David).

Not what one would expect from a prostitute! While it would be natural to assume that a story of a woman that begins with the words "a prostitute" will be a story of failure and misdeeds, in this case the assumption would be totally wrong.

It is my prayer that I will learn to not make such assumptions but will try to take the time to learn a person's heart and character. I fear I have missed out on many blessings in life by looking to the wrong people for the reasons. This is the lesson of Rahab, a woman of faith.

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On the 32nd Anniversary of Meeting My Wife, Thoughts on Why We've Lasted

Lisa and I met on a Friday. Feb 5th to be exact. I asked her out on Sunday the 7th (after unwittingly falling into her well laid trap, a story for another day.) First date- February 13th. Proposal the first week of March. Wedding- July 16th. A Wonderful Whirlwind.
If we were to tell you we knew exactly what we were doing, we would be lying. We were clueless in so many ways. But we did love each other, and we did love God. It seems so often this is not enough, as many Christian marriages fail. Why did we make it?
I can't be certain, but I think a big reason was our life goals. These were present when we met and haven't changed in over 30 years. 
While I did not have any idea of my future vocation, I was sure of two things. 
1- I wanted to be a godly husband
2- I wanted to be a godly father. 
Lisa wanted to be a godly wife and mother. We both understood that these goals would require immense effort, would be elusive, and would require personal sacrifice. We were both committed to do whatever it took to achieve these goals.
And we did. We have swallowed pride, made apologies, asked for help, extended grace and sought forgiveness. We have put our kids and one another ahead of our own interests, and admitted it when we didn't. We have set God's Word as our authority, and subjected our wills to its correction.
And it worked.
We are best friends, soul mates and true partners.
Not too shabby for a clueless couple only 3 years out of High School when we met and got married!

What your anger says about you.

What really ticks you off? Over the years I have had anger triggered by a number of things from broken promises to broken automobiles. Most of the time my anger has been inappropriate and misplaced (sadly, this has almost always been recognized much later). Recently I was struck with the realization that a person's anger says a lot about them. More specifically, you can learn a lot about someone by looking at what makes them angry.

Years ago I had a morbidly obese patient come in for a minor ailment. I addressed that problem quickly and then took a moment to comment on her weight. “A more important issue for your long term health is your weight. How have you dealt with this in the past?”

I was trying to be gracious and kind, but did not want to ignore the problem. (Somehow the phrase “elephant in the room does not seem appropriate here...)

She was livid, “How dare you bring that up! That is not what I am here for!” followed by a longer rant. Her response said more about her than it did about me. She was embarrassed about her weight and her embarrassment took the form of misplaced anger.

An example of appropriate anger from a person of good character can be found in the New Testament book of Acts, chapter 17. The Apostle Paul was in Athens waiting for his friends to meet him. We see that Paul's spirit was “provoked within him as he saw the city was full of idols.” A close look at the original Greek language text makes it clear. Paul was ticked.

Paul was angry at idols, at false representations of deity. He was angry that people were being deceived into believing something that blinded them to the truth. He was angry that the glory and honor that rightfully belonged to the One true God was being given to to anyone or anything else.

Paul's anger was appropriate, justified and totally selfless.

The righteousness of Paul's anger is demonstrated by what his anger caused. Paul's anger spurred him to positive action. The passage tells us that Paul's anger caused him to dialogue with others about faith. He spoke with Jews, religious non-Jews, and even non-religious non-Jews in the marketplace. (Seems to me that he dialogued with everyone!) Paul's anger caused him to pursue the work that God had called him to do with greater vigor.

Seems that this was a pretty good response! I have to admit that it is very difficult to think of a single time when my anger drove me to to good or godly things, to better fulfill the work that God has called me to do in life. Perhaps this would be a good way to evaluate our own anger. If we stop to check and see what our anger leads us to do, we might see our anger in a different light.

Getting Old Stinks, Here's How I Tolerate the Smell!

It was a rough week. First a patient commented- “Boy Dr. Barrett, you went straight from blond to white and didn't even stop at gray!” The next day a woman in her thirties, commenting on my use of Skype and Facetime with patients, said, “You are very innovative for one of the more senior members of your profession!” finally, a 5 year-old girl was brought in for a check up by her grandparents. When I introduced myself, they responded, “She told us you were bald!” as if that was my defining characteristic! Priority one for that visit- follicular education. Even when it grows mostly on the side of your head, it is still hair!

So I feel old. Of course I recall the season of my life when I would have also applied this assessment to people in their 50's. It still stinks to have it pointed out. So what can I do about it? I have decided to remind myself of those things I have that younger people do not. While hair is not on the list, some pretty remarkable things are-

• I have a marriage that has lasted over 30 years, and is still wonderful, a wife who still makes my heart skip a beat and takes my breath away
• I have a son who at 24 argues for his faith. I need not worry about whether his faith will be his.
• I have a daughter who at 18 reminds me of what purity is all about.
• I have the blessing of providing medical care to people who have trusted me with their health for over 20 years.
• I have a faith that has sustained me for over 40 years, countless personal experiences with the faithfulness of God.
• Everyday, I am one step closer to seeing my Savior face to face.

The physical limitations of aging stink, but there is so much more. I can handle the smell!