Why Doing it on Your Own is Just. Plain. Stupid.

When a 5 year-old who has just learned to tie his shoes says, “I can do this myself,” and rejects an offer of help, we laugh and admire the persistence of the child. But what do we do when someone we love is in desperate need of assistance and says the same thing? How do we respond to flailing and failing friends?

I think of a pastor I once knew who was struggling in many areas of life with a stress filled marriage and a shrinking congregation. He was clearly not doing well but refused to respond to my offers of assistance. He could do it on his own.

I think of a man diagnosed with bipolar disease, his case so severe that a few years ago he was standing shirtless on top of a moving car screaming at passersby. He was placed on a psychiatric hold and started on medications and returned to the real world. He soon stopped the medications, deciding on his own he did not need them. He has refused further psychiatric treatment and when confronted with the need to maintain treatment replied, “I can do this myself!”

I think of the alcoholic patient in his thirties, his liver so damaged by alcohol that a specialist gave him a 50% chance of living another 30 days. He stopped drinking for a while but refused to go to AA meetings or return to the office for follow up care. Every time I encouraged him to get more treatment he replied, “I can do this myself!”

In my life and profession stories such as these are commonplace. There is, it seems, an innate human tendency to overestimate our abilities and to trust ourselves above all others, even when the evidence of our foolishness is abundant.

The writer of Proverbs warns us against this, deeming it important enough to write it twice- “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” Pretty stern warning!

So what can we do to protect against falling into this trap of foolish self reliance? The Proverbs give us guidance-

"Plans go wrong for lack of advice;

many advisers bring success." Prov 15:22 NLT

We do well when we surround ourselves with wise people and train ourselves to listen! Take a moment to ask yourself who those people are in your life and make it a priority to seek their counsel regularly.

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Young people need it. You have it. Will you give it?

Many people have lost there way. Even worse is the truth that many people never knew where to go in the first place. We live in an isolated and separated world where American individualism can warp into blaming others for their failures instead of lending a hand.. A recent patient visit serves as a vivid illustration of what young people need and what we can give.

He is in his 40's. He has multiple health conditions, most a direct result of terrible life choices. He is not well educated, but he has a strong sense of responsibility and a good work ethic, which is unusual for someone who is a recovering addict. He works close to 60 hours a week to support his family, a schedule he must maintain as his lack of skills means low paying jobs.

Yet he keeps plugging away. He considers himself a Christian, as he made some sort of commitment at some sort of church event in the past. This event was not followed by any mentoring or discipleship, so he has not progressed in his faith, but he still believes.

What faith he did have was all that was keeping him in his marriage, that and his love for his son. He told me that his love for his wife had vanished long ago, and that he was ready to call it quits. He could see no reason to go on.

As we talked I realized he desperately needed a friend and a mentor, someone to come along and disciple him in the faith, teach him what it meant to be a man, pray for him and encourage him.

I also realized I had no idea of how to arrange this!. The church I currently attended did not have any discipleship programs or classes, nor did any of the churches I had attended in the past. I had no place to send him.

Kind of sad, isn't it? We have reached a point in our society where too many people are left to struggle on their own, trying to figure it all out for themselves. Where did we lose our way? When did we lose our way?

I am reminded of the words of the Proverb- 
"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in your power to do it. 
28 Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,"
When you have it with you. "
Prov 3:27

Those of us who have figured out life, who have learned what success requires, are obligated to share it. In part because of my interaction with this patient I have started regularly meeting with a group of young men. Once a month we hang out for a few hours and talk about the deeper things in life. It is only 8 young men once a month, but it is 8 young men once a month! What a difference could be made if we looked for opportunities to help out and guide those for whom life was such a struggle!

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4 Foundations for a Marriage that Endures

I have a great wife and a wonderful marriage. This is not an accident, Lisa and I have worked on our marriage and our relationship continuously, striving every day to make it better. Reading through the Biblical book of Proverbs recently I was reminded of some of the things we have done that have resulted in success-

1- We have resisted the temptation to look anywhere else for encouragement, respect or love. Every marriage has ups and downs. In tough times it is easy to let your thoughts or eyes wander and think, “If only He/she was was more like them!.” Don't do it. God gave you your spouse, and he or she needs to remain your only source for this kind of love.

2- We keep our secrets secret. There are things, in addition to sexual intimacy, that we have shared only with each other, including our deepest thoughts, worst fears and greatest hopes. Some things should never be shared outside of marriage.

3- We are sexually faithful in our thoughts and actions. When you set your spouse up as not only valuable, but as your sexual ideal, embracing the truth that he or she is the absolute best for you and that no one else can compare, your bond is strengthened. We practice purity, avoiding movies and media that contain inappropriate content, and reject the lie that it is okay to look but not touch.

4- We understand that the love we share is an amazing gift and treat it as such. We thank God for it, nurture it and value it. We spend time together regularly. We address outside threats and distractions and deal with them. We have made up our minds that NOTHING in this life  is more important than our relationship. 

Consider the advice of King Solomon-

"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?

Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

Proverbs 5:15-19NIV

4 Rules for True Friendship

Sometimes it is hard to know who your friends really are. You think someone has your back and then when circumstances get tough, they disappear. Who do you trust? Who are your true friends? A better question- what qualities define true friendship? Here is a short list-

1- A true friend runs to your side when times get hard. "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity,” is how it is described in Proverbs 17. When the going gets tough, great friends don't even wait for you to call. They come.

2- Friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted,” says the proverb, and it is true. Years ago a colleague called me at home and told me that my aggressive attitude was offending some of the other doctors. He encouraged me that a softer approach would serve me better. He was right and in correcting me he showed he was a friend.

3- True friends are committed to the friendship. Neither time nor circumstances should diminish the bond, which is why the Proverb says we should not forsake our friend or the friend of our father. I think of Daryl, a friend of 40 years. We have laughed together, played together and prayed together,even hurt one another, but we have never quit.

4- True friends know when to keep their mouth shut. “Gossip separates close friends.” says Proverbs 16:28, and boy does it. The writer expounds on the principle in the next chapter saying “He who covers over an offense promotes love.” Close friends know how to hurt us. True friends protect us.

What kind of friend are you? I know I can do better!

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Broken Face, Broken Faith

Faith can be fragile.  The speed bumps,  potholes and detours on the road of life can cause it to shatter.  For one patient, the questions that came with her fractured face resulted in a loss of faith.

Who could blame her? The accident was pretty severe. She had multiple fractures in multiple places, including a shattered nose, along with severe facial lacerations and internal injuries. She was okay now, but it had taken months to recover. Physically she seemed fine but I wondered about emotional scars. I asked about her recovery and how she had handled the stress. She shared that it had been difficult, but she had dealt with it as best she could. I asked about her support network, about who she had been able to  lean on and whose shoulders she could cry on and inquired as to whether she was a part of a faith community.

She wasn't. In fact she did not really believe in God much at all. When I asked her why she gave a very common answer, “I used to believe, but then I decided that if God was there He would not allow all of this bad stuff to happen.”

I thought about what she said. Like so many it seemed that what little faith she had was dependent on how her life turned out. God was supposed to be good, so if He was real then her life shouldn't be bad. Her life had not been very good so God must not be real.

“I can understand that thinking, and in a way it makes sense," I replied, "You were led to believe that God would act in a certain way, and He didn't. Saying He isn't there is one possible explanation. There is another possible explanation. Maybe what you were taught about God was incorrect.”

Christian theology makes many claims about the nature of God. One claim it never makes is that God's ultimate purpose is to protect us from bad things!

Her story causes me to wonder... How much of what we have been taught about how God works is just plain wrong?

When it comes to suffering and blessing, it may be more than we care to admit. There have been so many times in my life when I looked at personal pain and asked “Where was God?” The truth is that He was where He always was, working to make me the person He wants me to be, the better person I need to be, and working for His ultimate plan. The truth is that sometimes this process is painful.

Those who have known me for a while will attest to the fact that I have changed significantly over the years. I am kinder, more gracious, more compassionate and more understanding than I was before. Those who know me best can also testify to how this change has occurred. God has used suffering, pain and loss to mold me into the better man I have become. I have learned that instead of pain being a sign that God has abandoned me it is much more likely a sign that God has not given up on me.!

If you are struggling through hard times, share it with someone. Message me through this website (use the contact link on the menu bar) so I can pray for you and encourage you. Have your own story of how pain worked in your life? Please share it in the comments, someone out there may need to hear it! If you think this post, or any post, might be meaningful to someone else please share it by clicking a button below.