The dumber we feel the Wiser we get

I want to be wise like an owl but to some patients it seems I end up being more of a wise... donkey.  Here is a story of a patient who found me especially ignorant. It takes a lot to render me speechless, but this lady came pretty close!

Like most doctors patient appointments are scheduled every 15 minutes. Not all visits last that long, some are quick and easy and others are longer and more complicated. Sometimes visits that should be simple take much longer than they should. Most often this happens with a patient who is nervous or worried and who needs reassurance. Every once in a while it happens because a patient refuses to accept or believe what I tell them.

I think of a patient I saw in my first year of practice. A young mom brought her 6 month old baby in with a cold. It was a pretty straight forward visit, the baby had a runny nose and cough and a completely normal physical exam- no fevers, no rashes, no wheezing, no ear infection. The baby looked great. As I concluded looking over the baby I turned to the mom. "She looks great! Just a little bit of a cold, she should be better in 5-7 days," I said (in what I thought was a reassuring tone)

"Well I think she needs antibiotics!" came the Mother's irritated reply.

"She has a viral illness and antibiotics are never indicated for a virus, " I explained.

"Well I disagree!"

I must have missed the "What to do when your patient thinks you are an idiot" lecture in medical school, because I was caught completely off guard. I tried in several different ways to educate her on the nature of the common cold. Nothing I said had any impact. Ultimately she told me that if I did not give her what she wanted that she would file a complaint about me and go somewhere else!

Exasperated I blurted my response- "If after 9 years of school and 3 years of specialty training I do not know how to treat a cold, I should just quit!"

She left me and the practice and I never saw her again.

When she left I was I an state of shock. I could not believe that someone would go to a doctor and have no interest in what the doctor had to say! But that was her. In her mind a high school diploma, 6 months of parenting, and the opinions of friends outweighed all of my training and expertise. She was an expert. She had nothing to learn from me, and in fact had no respect for what I had to say.

What kind of person would respond in this way? A person who viewed themselves as the ultimate authority, who trusted themselves above all else.

We can judge her and call her foolish, and we might be right, but we should do so with caution. The tendency to dismiss those who can teach us and challenge us is actually quite common. We all have a tendency to overvalue our own opinion.

The writer of Proverbs was well acquainted with this aspect of human nature. In the first chapter he gives profound advice, saying that wise people listen and learn, that an appropriate fearful respect of God is where knowledge begins, and that rejecting wisdom and instruction are characteristics of foolish people.

Looking at my life I have experienced the truth of this apparent paradox. As I have aged I have become much less trusting of my own judgment and insights, more self-questioning, more help seeking and more dependent on God. The result- I feel more inadequate and make wiser decisions. Go figure! It only took me 50 years to "discover" a truth declared in the Proverbs thousands of tears ago! 

4 Life lessons on Failure, Learned through Football

Life lessons often come in unexpected ways and at unexpected times. Some of our greatest lessons are learned through failure. I failed, miserably, at football my freshman year in high school and learned some valuable lessons in the process.

I was not cut out to play high school football. Somebody should have told me, should have taken me aside and said, "Dude, you weigh 117 pounds. What are you thinking?" Unfortunately no one did so my assumption that tackle football was not much different from the touch football I had played as a child led me to sign up for football my freshman year.
Remarkably, they found a set of pads my size (I think the label read “Toys R Us”). I did the best I could in drills, listened carefully to the coach’s instructions and made sure that I performed each skill and technique exactly as instructed, hoping he would notice my diligence. It was not long before he did.
The drill was simple. Two lines, single file, about 10 yards apart. The coach tossed the ball to the person in the front of one line, who would catch it and run as if going around the end of the line on a sweep. The front person in the other line was supposed to run over, meet the ball carrier head on and make the tackle. I was in the tackling line.
When my turn came the coach flipped the ball to the player who would become the starting fullback, a boy my height who outweighed me by 50 pounds. I sprinted to the spot and did everything just the way the coach had taught us. I kept my head up, hit him in the chest and wrapped my arms around him and drove hard with my legs. Next thing I knew I was flat on my back staring up at the sky with cleat marks on my chest. The coach fought back laughter, "You did it just how I taught you." He shook his head, "What can I say?"
My football career ended a few days later. Technique was no match for brute force. I turned in my helmet and my kid sized pads and sulked away, forced to deal with the reality that this was one thing in life that I could not succeed at no matter how hard I tried. Wisely, the coach did not try to talk me out of quitting. He did not offer platitudes or empty words of encouragement. He just let me go.
The coach did so many things right and in so doing gave an example of how we can respond to young people who have dreams that do not align with their abilities.

First- He let me try. Although it was obvious that someone with my size and athletic ability was not likely to succeed, he let me try and let me succeed or fail on my own.
Second- He gave me the tools to succeed. He showed me the correct techniques, how to do the drills. When I failed it was not because he did not work with me.
Third- He allowed me learn my limitations for myself and allowed me to fail.
Fourth- He was truthful in his response to my failure and let me learn from it.

Looking back now I realize how important these lessons are. While every person is an individual blessed with unique gifts and talents, none of us succeeds at everything we try and desire does not ensure success. It is often through failure that we learn who we are and what we can do and through disappointment that we gain a sense of personal direction. We do well when we teach these things to our children.

Like the post? You know what to do- Share It! Have comments or questions? Share them too!
 

Why Doing it on Your Own is Just. Plain. Stupid.

When a 5 year-old who has just learned to tie his shoes says, “I can do this myself,” and rejects an offer of help, we laugh and admire the persistence of the child. But what do we do when someone we love is in desperate need of assistance and says the same thing? How do we respond to flailing and failing friends?

I think of a pastor I once knew who was struggling in many areas of life with a stress filled marriage and a shrinking congregation. He was clearly not doing well but refused to respond to my offers of assistance. He could do it on his own.

I think of a man diagnosed with bipolar disease, his case so severe that a few years ago he was standing shirtless on top of a moving car screaming at passersby. He was placed on a psychiatric hold and started on medications and returned to the real world. He soon stopped the medications, deciding on his own he did not need them. He has refused further psychiatric treatment and when confronted with the need to maintain treatment replied, “I can do this myself!”

I think of the alcoholic patient in his thirties, his liver so damaged by alcohol that a specialist gave him a 50% chance of living another 30 days. He stopped drinking for a while but refused to go to AA meetings or return to the office for follow up care. Every time I encouraged him to get more treatment he replied, “I can do this myself!”

In my life and profession stories such as these are commonplace. There is, it seems, an innate human tendency to overestimate our abilities and to trust ourselves above all others, even when the evidence of our foolishness is abundant.

The writer of Proverbs warns us against this, deeming it important enough to write it twice- “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” Pretty stern warning!

So what can we do to protect against falling into this trap of foolish self reliance? The Proverbs give us guidance-

"Plans go wrong for lack of advice;

many advisers bring success." Prov 15:22 NLT

We do well when we surround ourselves with wise people and train ourselves to listen! Take a moment to ask yourself who those people are in your life and make it a priority to seek their counsel regularly.

Like this post? Share it! Want to make sure you never miss a post? Subscribe to the blog. Have questions or comments? I would love to hear them!

Young people need it. You have it. Will you give it?

Many people have lost there way. Even worse is the truth that many people never knew where to go in the first place. We live in an isolated and separated world where American individualism can warp into blaming others for their failures instead of lending a hand.. A recent patient visit serves as a vivid illustration of what young people need and what we can give.

He is in his 40's. He has multiple health conditions, most a direct result of terrible life choices. He is not well educated, but he has a strong sense of responsibility and a good work ethic, which is unusual for someone who is a recovering addict. He works close to 60 hours a week to support his family, a schedule he must maintain as his lack of skills means low paying jobs.

Yet he keeps plugging away. He considers himself a Christian, as he made some sort of commitment at some sort of church event in the past. This event was not followed by any mentoring or discipleship, so he has not progressed in his faith, but he still believes.

What faith he did have was all that was keeping him in his marriage, that and his love for his son. He told me that his love for his wife had vanished long ago, and that he was ready to call it quits. He could see no reason to go on.

As we talked I realized he desperately needed a friend and a mentor, someone to come along and disciple him in the faith, teach him what it meant to be a man, pray for him and encourage him.

I also realized I had no idea of how to arrange this!. The church I currently attended did not have any discipleship programs or classes, nor did any of the churches I had attended in the past. I had no place to send him.

Kind of sad, isn't it? We have reached a point in our society where too many people are left to struggle on their own, trying to figure it all out for themselves. Where did we lose our way? When did we lose our way?

I am reminded of the words of the Proverb- 
"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in your power to do it. 
28 Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,"
When you have it with you. "
Prov 3:27

Those of us who have figured out life, who have learned what success requires, are obligated to share it. In part because of my interaction with this patient I have started regularly meeting with a group of young men. Once a month we hang out for a few hours and talk about the deeper things in life. It is only 8 young men once a month, but it is 8 young men once a month! What a difference could be made if we looked for opportunities to help out and guide those for whom life was such a struggle!

Like this post or the blog? Please share it! The success of the blog depends on the willingness of readers to share. Want to get every post? Subscribe! Upper right on your computer or scroll down on your phone or tablet.

4 Foundations for a Marriage that Endures

I have a great wife and a wonderful marriage. This is not an accident, Lisa and I have worked on our marriage and our relationship continuously, striving every day to make it better. Reading through the Biblical book of Proverbs recently I was reminded of some of the things we have done that have resulted in success-

1- We have resisted the temptation to look anywhere else for encouragement, respect or love. Every marriage has ups and downs. In tough times it is easy to let your thoughts or eyes wander and think, “If only He/she was was more like them!.” Don't do it. God gave you your spouse, and he or she needs to remain your only source for this kind of love.

2- We keep our secrets secret. There are things, in addition to sexual intimacy, that we have shared only with each other, including our deepest thoughts, worst fears and greatest hopes. Some things should never be shared outside of marriage.

3- We are sexually faithful in our thoughts and actions. When you set your spouse up as not only valuable, but as your sexual ideal, embracing the truth that he or she is the absolute best for you and that no one else can compare, your bond is strengthened. We practice purity, avoiding movies and media that contain inappropriate content, and reject the lie that it is okay to look but not touch.

4- We understand that the love we share is an amazing gift and treat it as such. We thank God for it, nurture it and value it. We spend time together regularly. We address outside threats and distractions and deal with them. We have made up our minds that NOTHING in this life  is more important than our relationship. 

Consider the advice of King Solomon-

"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?

Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

Proverbs 5:15-19NIV