We are all stupidly and needlessly afraid

Fear causes people to do stupid things. 

Last week a patient came in for a visit. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, significant anemia and a history of blood clots. Since she has so many medical problems I had instructed her to come in for follow up at three month intervals. Over a year had gone by since I had seen her last. It had taken multiple phone calls from staff and a refusal to refill a medication to finally get her to return.

I asked her why it had taken so long.

"I was afraid," was her answer, "I thought you would be mad at me!"

Even though this was not the first time someone has declared me to be a frightening person I was still surprised. I am her doctor, not her dad! What is there to be afraid of? I can't really do anything to her, I have no way to punish her, yet she was afraid. All I want for her is for her to be healthy, to help her help herself. Why would she be afraid?

The answer is simple. She is afraid because she is a person,  and people live in fear of things.

While the specific fears may vary, we all are afraid of something. We are afraid of big things such as death, disability and financial ruin, and we are afraid of little things such as embarrassment, darkness and spiders. (Why is it that EVERY nurse that has ever worked me is afraid of spiders?)

And yet, the Bible tells us that fear is a completely useless feeling, that it has no place at all in the life of a believer. Why? John the Apostle explained in a letter to the church- "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment."

He makes the point that while people are afraid of bad things happening to them, Christians need not be because we are perfectly and completely loved by God and need not fear ultimate punishment. 

Earlier in his letter he described the love that God has for His people, writing "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

We are so like my patient. God loves us, cares for us and sent His Son to die for us, yet we hide from Him due to a  foolish and misguided fear of punishment.

We need to set our fear aside and see ourselves as He sees us, as perfectly loved children. Children loved by a gracious Father who will never forsake us.

What I Learned When My Dog Rejected Me

We are dog people. We aren't crazy dog people, the "put your dog in a purse and take it to the store" kind, we are more "the our dog is a part of the family" kind of dog people.

Rocky- My neurotic dog

Our dogs have always been a source of comfort in hard times. There is nothing like a fuzzy hug and a few dog kisses to help ease the pain of a hard day. My love for my dog made it especially difficult to deal with his recent rejection. He is a bit (actually a LOT) neurotic and very sensitive. It seems his doggy ears are particularly sensitive to certain sounds, and especially sensitive to the pitch of my coughing fits. I was battling bronchitis and coughing a lot. Often he would be quietly sleeping only to be scarily jolted awake by a loud cough. He would jump up and  leave the room.

After a few days of this he starting leaving any room I entered. I would get down to pet him and he would get up and walk away! I realized what was going on and did everything I could to show him that I was safe to be around. One time he was in my daughter's room and I went in to pet him. I shut the door, thinking that if he had to be there with me he would see that it was comfortable and safe. Bad idea. He jumped up and started pawing at the door to escape! It was weeks before he was comfortable around me again.

This is yet another way that dogs are like people. We run from pain. Even when we know someone loves us, even when that someone has loved us for a long time, a few hurts can shatter our security, and cause us to flee and hide from further interaction.

While this behavior is understandable in an unreasoning animal, we should be better and wiser. We have the ability to place the hurts in context. We can choose to believe the best in others and work for reconciliation and restoration, yet so often we don't.

Don't be a dog! If someone you love has hurt you, Tell them! Go to them! There is a good chance that the pain was unintentional and that love and restoration are yours for the asking.

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The Day my Mother Died

Death brings perspective. It forces us to reflect on our relationships and priorities. With the news of my mother's death came thoughts of both sadness and gratitude. Sadness over a life that was ruined with alcohol, gratitude that by the grace of God I had escaped a similar fate.

It was a fun day on vacation. We had just finished touring Cade's Cove, a beautiful valley and meadow in the Great Smokey Mountains. The cabins and buildings and structures date back to the 1800's, set amidst beautiful scenery and the occasional wandering bear or deer. After driving about three miles out of the valley cell phone service returned and I heard my voice mail tone. I pressed the button to listen and heard the voice of my younger brother, "Bart, it's Jim. Mom died last night." Boom. Just like that. I didn't even know she was sick!

More surprising to me than the news was the lack of emotion that came with it. I felt nothing,  no sense of loss, no grief. I think it was because my mother had not been a part of my life for so long. She was an alcoholic who had abandoned relationships years earlier. I had not spoken to her in 6 months and only one or two times in the 5 years prior. It was as if I had just been informed of the death of a stranger.

As I hung up the phone I thought back to my last conversation with her. During the call I had explained to her my reasons for not calling more often. While an explanation should not have been necessary (she had abused me as a child and abandoned me as an adult and it was a wonder I called at all), it was for my mom, so I told her,  "It's like we live in parallel universes. When we talk you make comments about the way you raised us kids, as if you had been a good mother. You say you are proud of me and speak as if you deserve some credit for how I turned out. You do not realize that every day of my life is a struggle to overcome the damage that you did to me. I do not need you to apologize or make it up to me, but if you are going to have a relationship with me, you need to understand me, and to understand me you will need to understand the pain that you caused."

"I don't want to do that," was her reply, "that will hurt." This was my mom. If it was difficult or painful, she wouldn't (or couldn't) bring herself to do it. She consistently looked for an easy way out.

I thanked her for at least being honest and we said good-bye, and that was that. We never spoke again, which is why her death simply finalized a fact that had been true for years, the woman who had given birth to me would never be a part of life.

In spite of this sad truth I have not been left motherless. There is a woman who has loved me as a son, loved me for who I was and am, a woman who understands my struggles and pains and who loves me just the same, and who, ironically, was with me that day when I received the call, my mother-in-law. She has modeled what it means to be a loving mother and grandmother

The failures of my mother make me profoundly aware of the importance of a mother's love and appreciative of the mother my wife is. For 24 years I have watched with wonder and amazement as she has loved our children. Her delight in our children, her warm smiles and wonderful laughs at their stories and exploits,  has helped our children grow up knowing they are truly valued and truly loved.

Sadly, stories of broken parental relationships such as mine are not rare. Over the years I have observed many broken families and seen many estranged parents and children. Every time I see such a family I think of how much my mother missed, and how grateful I am for the relationship I have with the children with whom I have been blessed. 

If you have been blessed with a loving mother, make sure to say "Thank you." Mothers, give your children a hug when you can, tell them you love them a little too often and remember to thank God for the blessing of family, for their is no greater blessing in this lifetime.

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A reminder to remember God's Priorities

My favorite tenet of religion is that God gets to do whatever He wants. It's part of His job description. He makes the rules. He never has and never will conform to what we think He should do. He works to fulfill His plan and His agenda, not ours. It is good to keep this in mind as we read scripture. I have seen many well-intentioned pastors totally mangle a verse or passage by approaching it with misinformed preconceptions.

A well-known and widely read pastor of a large New York church once preached a sermon on Proverbs 29:7- “The righteous are concerned with doing justice to the poor, the wicked have no such concern.” He preached a passionate message exhorting his flock to go out and help the destitute and the homeless, charging them that this was their mission.

He communicated a great sentiment, but he did not communicate the meaning of the verse. There are multiple words for “poor” in Hebrew, including one for the destitute and another for the working poor, those who constitute the lower middle class. Proverbs 29:7 uses the working class word for poor. Oops! The passage speaks more to how employers treat employees than it does to how we treat the homeless!

Several years ago I listened as a pastor of a large church in southern California mangled the parable of the Good Samaritan. He so desperately wanted to encourage his listeners to love the unlovable that he made the Samaritan the victim in the story instead of the hero! Oops again!

I have seen these types of mistakes a lot lately when it comes to the issue of social justice. Because the American Church is wealthy it is popular to emphasize our need to share the wealth with those who are less fortunate in the world. This is a noble effort, but it is not God's top priority. God's top priority is eternal, not temporal. The Great Commission is not to go into all the world and share the wealth. It is to go into all of the world and make disciples. To train others to follow the teachings of Jesus

Just a reminder! Social projects and material gifts are easy when compared to the serious time investment required by discipleship. As human beings we have a tendency to try to reset God's priorities to match our own. God's priorities always require much more of our time and energy.

When You Look Up, People Let You Down

It always hurts when people let us down, but there is a special sorrow that comes when we discover that someone we have looked up to and emulated is not the person we thought they were. A friend of mine recently shared a particularly sad story. He met his wife at a small church in Huntington Beach. Friendship became romance and they were soon serious. Desiring to lay a good foundation for marriage they sought out a mentoring relationship with a  respected couple in the church. They met together regularly with the mentor couple, learning all they could.
The friend had tremendous respect for his mentor, so much that he asked him to perform the wedding ceremony. The man agreed and conducted the service. A few weeks after the wedding came the devastating news- The mentor had abandoned his wife and moved in with a girlfriend! He had been carrying on an affair for months, during the entire time he had been doing marriage counseling for my friend! He was devastated. What stunned him the most was the hypocrisy. It was one thing to be unfaithful. It is another thing to be unfaithful while at the same time counseling others on how to have a good marriage!

I wish stories like this were rare, but they aren't. Leaders, especially spiritual leaders, often let us down. So how do we protect ourselves from hypocrites in positions of authority?
In many ways we can't. On this side of heaven everyone we meet is a broken person with the potential of doing terrible things, each a reminder that there is only one perfect person, and that He is the only one worthy of our devotion and praise.