The Greatest and Most Important Mother's Day Gift

Lots of cards, presents and phone calls will be made on Mother's Day. I cannot cite any scientific data, but I would bet that when it comes to the most sentimentally mushy day of the year Mother's Day may even surpass Valentine's Day.  (Not everyone has a Valentine, but EVERYBODY has a mom!) What do you do for Mother's Day?

Logging into Facebook on Mother's Day I was greeted by post after post of friends praising their mothers. I naturally thought of my mother and how she struggled with even the most basic aspects of mothering. For my mother, mental illness and alcoholism made mothering difficult. She did her best, but her best was not very good in the end. I then thought of others who have moms and about their relationships. My thoughts turned to two long standing patients for whom Mother's Day brings different struggles. I will call them L and S.

L's mom is a woman who loves to laugh and sing, a devoted wife and mother. She is still alive, but much of who she is has been lost. She lives in a facility separate from her husband, sharing a room with a stranger. Basic bodily functions are becoming hard to control and continence is an issue. She can no longer care for herself. She recognizes family members, but quickly forgets all recent events. L remains devoted. She visits her mom regularly and patiently and consistently advocates for her, making sure all of her needs are met even though her mom will not likely remember the part L played in meeting them.

S's mom still lives at home with her. Her mom is one of the funniest ladies I have met. She always brings smiles with her into the office. She remains positive in spite of severe back pain from a narrowed spinal column that compresses her spine. She has a hard time communicating the specific nature of her pain, so she has suffered for a long time.

In addition to her back pain, she has severe anxiety disorder. She gets extremely frightened at night and can only be calmed by the presence of S by her side. What can S do? She stays with her mom every night, sharing a bed with her, sacrificing some of her sleep to comfort her mom.

While the two moms do not know one another, they have much in common. They both suffer from Alzheimer's Disease. They did nothing to bring on the disease and there is nothing they can do to stop it. It is slowly taking them away from their loved ones, making every day a struggle. They are also blessed with devoted daughters who truly understand how to say “Thank You” to a mom. The greatest gift anyone can give to their mother is their love and their time.

L and S understand the preciousness of every moment they share with their mothers. More than anyone they know how quickly those we love can be lost. They also live the truth that mothers need to be thanked and loved every day of their lives, for we can never know how many days remain.

This Mother's Day, let's make a pledge to give as much love and time to our moms as we can. There is no greater gift.

Great Advice- from Wheel of Fortune.

Life lessons appear in unexpected places. I went on Wheel of Fortune in 1984 hoping to win prizes (which I did!) I did not expect to gain lasting wisdom, but that was exactly what happened during rehearsals.

When I was a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, the producer said something I will never forget. As we were preparing for the taping he greeted us with a smile as he bellowed out a question, "Who is here to win money?"

The contestants let out a collective whoop of affirmation.

His face got serious. "You think you are here to win money, but you are wrong. Don't believe me? Wait until you are on the show, when it is almost over and you have no money. Your prayer will not be- 'God let me win'. Your prayer will be- 'God, please don't let me look stupid in front of millions of people!"

He then reminded us of the smart way to play the game.

In his brief advice he identified one of the driving forces of human nature, the desire to not look stupid in front of other people. No one wants to be embarrassed.

This fact makes the words of the Apostle Paul in the first of his letters to the church at Corinth disturbing. He writes that the Christian message is foolishness to those outside of the Christian faith. He describes Gentiles (non Jewish non-believers) as people who seek after knowledge, people who pursue a full understanding and explanation of the world around them. People such as these, according to Paul, think the Christian message makes no sense at all.

Apparently, if we don't want to feel stupid, if we don't want other people to think us foolish, we shouldn't be Christians! Paul makes it clear that the "smart" people of the world cannot understand what we believe at all.

In some ways this is discouraging but in others it is not. It is a reminder that we should look to God alone for hope and encouragement. We need to live as people more concerned with the opinion of Eternal God than the opinions of mortal men. 

We are all stupidly and needlessly afraid

Fear causes people to do stupid things. 

Last week a patient came in for a visit. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, significant anemia and a history of blood clots. Since she has so many medical problems I had instructed her to come in for follow up at three month intervals. Over a year had gone by since I had seen her last. It had taken multiple phone calls from staff and a refusal to refill a medication to finally get her to return.

I asked her why it had taken so long.

"I was afraid," was her answer, "I thought you would be mad at me!"

Even though this was not the first time someone has declared me to be a frightening person I was still surprised. I am her doctor, not her dad! What is there to be afraid of? I can't really do anything to her, I have no way to punish her, yet she was afraid. All I want for her is for her to be healthy, to help her help herself. Why would she be afraid?

The answer is simple. She is afraid because she is a person,  and people live in fear of things.

While the specific fears may vary, we all are afraid of something. We are afraid of big things such as death, disability and financial ruin, and we are afraid of little things such as embarrassment, darkness and spiders. (Why is it that EVERY nurse that has ever worked me is afraid of spiders?)

And yet, the Bible tells us that fear is a completely useless feeling, that it has no place at all in the life of a believer. Why? John the Apostle explained in a letter to the church- "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment."

He makes the point that while people are afraid of bad things happening to them, Christians need not be because we are perfectly and completely loved by God and need not fear ultimate punishment. 

Earlier in his letter he described the love that God has for His people, writing "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

We are so like my patient. God loves us, cares for us and sent His Son to die for us, yet we hide from Him due to a  foolish and misguided fear of punishment.

We need to set our fear aside and see ourselves as He sees us, as perfectly loved children. Children loved by a gracious Father who will never forsake us.

What I Learned When My Dog Rejected Me

We are dog people. We aren't crazy dog people, the "put your dog in a purse and take it to the store" kind, we are more "the our dog is a part of the family" kind of dog people.

Rocky- My neurotic dog

Our dogs have always been a source of comfort in hard times. There is nothing like a fuzzy hug and a few dog kisses to help ease the pain of a hard day. My love for my dog made it especially difficult to deal with his recent rejection. He is a bit (actually a LOT) neurotic and very sensitive. It seems his doggy ears are particularly sensitive to certain sounds, and especially sensitive to the pitch of my coughing fits. I was battling bronchitis and coughing a lot. Often he would be quietly sleeping only to be scarily jolted awake by a loud cough. He would jump up and  leave the room.

After a few days of this he starting leaving any room I entered. I would get down to pet him and he would get up and walk away! I realized what was going on and did everything I could to show him that I was safe to be around. One time he was in my daughter's room and I went in to pet him. I shut the door, thinking that if he had to be there with me he would see that it was comfortable and safe. Bad idea. He jumped up and started pawing at the door to escape! It was weeks before he was comfortable around me again.

This is yet another way that dogs are like people. We run from pain. Even when we know someone loves us, even when that someone has loved us for a long time, a few hurts can shatter our security, and cause us to flee and hide from further interaction.

While this behavior is understandable in an unreasoning animal, we should be better and wiser. We have the ability to place the hurts in context. We can choose to believe the best in others and work for reconciliation and restoration, yet so often we don't.

Don't be a dog! If someone you love has hurt you, Tell them! Go to them! There is a good chance that the pain was unintentional and that love and restoration are yours for the asking.

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The Day my Mother Died

Death brings perspective. It forces us to reflect on our relationships and priorities. With the news of my mother's death came thoughts of both sadness and gratitude. Sadness over a life that was ruined with alcohol, gratitude that by the grace of God I had escaped a similar fate.

It was a fun day on vacation. We had just finished touring Cade's Cove, a beautiful valley and meadow in the Great Smokey Mountains. The cabins and buildings and structures date back to the 1800's, set amidst beautiful scenery and the occasional wandering bear or deer. After driving about three miles out of the valley cell phone service returned and I heard my voice mail tone. I pressed the button to listen and heard the voice of my younger brother, "Bart, it's Jim. Mom died last night." Boom. Just like that. I didn't even know she was sick!

More surprising to me than the news was the lack of emotion that came with it. I felt nothing,  no sense of loss, no grief. I think it was because my mother had not been a part of my life for so long. She was an alcoholic who had abandoned relationships years earlier. I had not spoken to her in 6 months and only one or two times in the 5 years prior. It was as if I had just been informed of the death of a stranger.

As I hung up the phone I thought back to my last conversation with her. During the call I had explained to her my reasons for not calling more often. While an explanation should not have been necessary (she had abused me as a child and abandoned me as an adult and it was a wonder I called at all), it was for my mom, so I told her,  "It's like we live in parallel universes. When we talk you make comments about the way you raised us kids, as if you had been a good mother. You say you are proud of me and speak as if you deserve some credit for how I turned out. You do not realize that every day of my life is a struggle to overcome the damage that you did to me. I do not need you to apologize or make it up to me, but if you are going to have a relationship with me, you need to understand me, and to understand me you will need to understand the pain that you caused."

"I don't want to do that," was her reply, "that will hurt." This was my mom. If it was difficult or painful, she wouldn't (or couldn't) bring herself to do it. She consistently looked for an easy way out.

I thanked her for at least being honest and we said good-bye, and that was that. We never spoke again, which is why her death simply finalized a fact that had been true for years, the woman who had given birth to me would never be a part of life.

In spite of this sad truth I have not been left motherless. There is a woman who has loved me as a son, loved me for who I was and am, a woman who understands my struggles and pains and who loves me just the same, and who, ironically, was with me that day when I received the call, my mother-in-law. She has modeled what it means to be a loving mother and grandmother

The failures of my mother make me profoundly aware of the importance of a mother's love and appreciative of the mother my wife is. For 24 years I have watched with wonder and amazement as she has loved our children. Her delight in our children, her warm smiles and wonderful laughs at their stories and exploits,  has helped our children grow up knowing they are truly valued and truly loved.

Sadly, stories of broken parental relationships such as mine are not rare. Over the years I have observed many broken families and seen many estranged parents and children. Every time I see such a family I think of how much my mother missed, and how grateful I am for the relationship I have with the children with whom I have been blessed. 

If you have been blessed with a loving mother, make sure to say "Thank you." Mothers, give your children a hug when you can, tell them you love them a little too often and remember to thank God for the blessing of family, for their is no greater blessing in this lifetime.

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