Unhappy Love... Love Part 9

Sometimes it is impossible for me to be happy for others. Not because I am a selfish and uncaring pig, (although at times I can be) but because they are happy about something that I can’t be.

I think of the Christian friend who was excited about being asked to lead a Bible study, I wanted to rejoice with him, but the knowledge that just a year earlier he had been repeatedly unfaithful to his wife, had serious problems with finances and debt and that he still had questionable theology made it rather difficult to be happy!

There have been many times when weddings brought me sadness. Marriages like my mother's third, which paired two people who had not dealt with the mental illness or substance abuse that had caused the previous relationships to fail, or others where a Christian had abandoned their values and beliefs and married outside their faith. They wanted me to be happy for them, but as a person for whom faith is a priority I could not.

This is the reality for people who are true Christians. There are things that other people will rejoice in and celebrate that will make us sad. On these occasions those outside the faith are apt to call us mean and judgmental, to claim that we are prejudiced, bigoted and unloving.

According to the Apostle Paul the opposite is true. Sometimes not rejoicing with others is the embodiment of love! Paul wrote, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” This words had deep meaning to Paul's audience, as earlier in his letter to Corinth he had given them rather stern correction.  In the first verses of 1 Corinthians 5 he wrote, “I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother.You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.” 1 Corinthians 5:1-2 NLT

The church apparently was proud of themselves for being tolerant and accepting! Instead of realizing the truth that there are behaviors that are contrary to God’s law and harmful to those who engage in them, instead of correcting someone whose life was a moral train wreck, they were acting as if everything was okay! Paul, as someone who truly loved the church, would have none of it. He held them accountable. Paul made it clear that love does not accept everything or rejoice in everything. Love rejoices in the truth.

Something to consider! Here is hoping we will love others enough to be truthful!

-          Bart

This is the 9th post in a series on the definitions of love given in the New Testament book of 1 Corinthians. If you have a story of a time loving someone required you to make a stand, let me know in the comments! I ask you to remember that the only way others know about this blog is if you share it!

Forgetting can be Key to Lasting Relationships. Love Part 8

For a guy who is supposed to be smart, I sometimes have a terrible memory. Many conversations with my wife begin with her asking, “Do you remember that time when…” and me replying, “Not at all.” I remember all sorts of numbers- phone numbers, baseball statistics, medication doses and how many representatives there are in Congress, but ask me about a vacation I took 15 years ago and I am likely to draw a blank. I remember medical facts and diagnoses but am terrible at names, so much so that I will at times hide in the store to avoid a patient whose health history I recall but whose name completely escapes me.

While forgetfulness can be a curse, there is one place where a great memory is an even greater curse- relationships. Remembering every wrong is a terrible thing. Sadly, it is also common. I have seen many people who seem to effortlessly recall everything someone has done wrong. It is as if they keep an up to date list in their head and are ready to whip it out whenever needed. I have caught myself doing this on many occasions, particularly with friends in the church.

I think of one friend who has a tendency to over commit. The natural consequence of this over commitment is frequent cancellations and postponements of planned meetings and get-togethers and occasional broken or forgotten promises. If I were to add up all of the times I have been rescheduled or forgotten, I could easily find myself angry and resentful, and our friendship would suffer. According to the Apostle Paul, I would also be an unloving person. Paul wrote that love “keeps no record of wrongs.”

Paul is right. If I continually keep track of every mistake others make, if I save the data up for future use, I will certainly be a jerk. I have made this mistake in the past and the pain that resulted was real. In the early years of my marriage I had to struggle to avoid this trap. As with many newlyweds we were both learning what it meant to be husband and wife. Learning to put your spouse first is not something any of us are practiced in and it takes time to learn the skill. Lisa was far better at this than I was, yet she was not perfect. As I come from an abusive family where hurts are remembered it took effort to not keep score.

Love demands we make that effort, that we not keep a record of the mistakes of others. I think that love actually does the opposite. It remembers the good things others do and focuses on them! 

This is post is the 8th in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13. You can scroll down to read previous posts, or start from the beginning by clicking here. If you have enjoyed these posts, please spread the word by sharing it with others. As always we love to read your comments!

• Bart

A Ticked off Patient and the Dumbest Mistake I ever Made.

The visit was over before it began. Less than 30 seconds into the conversation the patient decided I wasn’t the doctor for him. He turned to his son, said, “let’s go find another doctor!” and headed for the door. I have had patients get angry with me before and even been summarily “fired” by many over the years but this set a record for speed. I have never seen someone get so angry, so quickly, over so little. As they walked out I turned to the medical student who was with me and asked, “What just happened?”

The man had come into my office with his son, who appeared to be in his late teens. According to the schedule they both had come in for physical exams. They were roomed together. Before going into the room I checked and learned that the son was an adult of 19. As privacy is always a concern I decided to see the son apart from his dad. I opened the door of the exam room and addressed the son with a smile, “Congratulations! You just graduated to your own room!” I gestured to the room across the hall and then addressed them both, “as he is an adult I want to see him separately.”

The dad looked annoyed, “Then we will discuss his care together.”

I replied, “That’s up to him, as he is an adult." Noting the look on the dad's face I added, "These aren't my rules, this is the law.”

The dad would have none of it. He was clearly angry as he replied, “You obviously don't have any kids.”

“Actually I do. I am just following the rules.”

And with that came his pronouncement that he was leaving.

After they left the employees and discussed what had happened, in part trying to figure out if I had done anything wrong. No one could understand what set him off. My best guess was that the dad may have been the type of person who always got his way, someone who typically used intimidation and anger to get what he wanted. I didn't give him what he wanted, so he was angry.

As I reflected on his quick anger I thought of other more pleasant interactions with more pleasant people, kind and loving people I have encountered who had good reasons to be mad at me but didn't. The way they responded when things did not go as planned revealed much about their character.

I think of Adelaide. Adelaide is a patient who was the victim of the dumbest mistake I ever made in practice. Several years ago she came in for a trigger thumb injection and a pneumonia shot. The nurse drew up both injections and placed the syringes in the room. I prepared her thumb for injection, reached for a syringe and promptly injected pneumonia vaccine into the tendon. When she winced in pain I realized my error, but not before half of the dose was in. I apologized for my stupidity and prepared for the justifiable anger I was certain was on its way.

It never came.

Adelaide is not an angry person, she is a loving person. She forgave my mistake saying, “These things happen!” They don't happen and shouldn't happen, but Adelaide was understanding.

In her kind and gracious response Adelaide embodied one of the aspects of love described by the apostle Paul, who wrote, “Love is not easily angered.” What a beautiful sentiment. What a standard to aspire to! To be honest, most people who have known me over the years would not  use the phrase "not easily angered" to describe me. This is not something that has accurately described my responses to others. Being annoyed has for years been my natural state, my baseline mood. (Maybe this is why I have been given so many Disney hats, T-shirts and trinkets with Grumpy on them!) For far too long anger has been just beneath the surface, just one small word or deed away from erupting.

It was love that made the difference. When I made it my goal to love others, to see them as God sees them I became more loving and more motivated to letting anger go. The last few years have even seen times when I didn't get angry and my family thought I should have! Love and forgiveness are a much better way to relate to the world.

-Bart

This is Part 7 in a series about Love based on the definitions given in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13. Feel free to share! (Actually, you can even fell obligated to share!) If you have thoughts or questions please share them as well.

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Humbled by an Employee's Devotion - Love Part 6

One of the hardest parts of my job has nothing to do with medicine. It is dealing with employees. People can be weird, unpredictable and even mean. They can also be wonderful.

In the 20 years I have been in practice I have worked in both solo and in a large group. I have hired, fired and supervised over 50 different employees. Some stayed for only a short time, others stayed for a number of years. They possessed varying levels of loyalty and trustworthiness. One employee in whom I placed significant trust was let go when I learned she was dishonest on her time card and with the use of the office credit card. Others started off well only to lose focus over time when outside family issues proved to be a distraction.

There is one employee who has now been with me for almost twelve years who has continually displayed a level of selfless devotion that I find humbling. When she was pregnant with her fourth child she realized that she would not likely be able to return to full-time work. Although she wanted to stay with me she put the office ahead of her own wishes. She sought out one of her best friends and trained her as a replacement, giving up her position in order to insure the office continued to function.

After her son was born she made herself available on a fill in basis. She covered other employee days off or illnesses when she could for 4 years before returning to a permanent part-time position. Her responsibilities at home have made it impossible for her to work full-time and limit her availability. Because of this, as the practice has evolved and grown she has told me that she understands that I may eventually need to hire someone else. Over the last few years she has approached me many times to tell me that if I needed to replace her with a full time employee she would understand and that it would be okay with her. She loves working for me but doesn't want me to feel obligated or trapped by her limited schedule. She repeatedly tells me to do whatever I need to do for the office.

Her commitment to serving me and my patients, the way she honors my needs and the needs of the practice and puts others ahead of herself embodies an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. One of the descriptions of love listed there is "love does not seek its own way.” Simply stated, love puts the needs and feelings of others first.

This aspect of love is crucial for successful relationships. When husbands and wives put one another first grace, forgiveness, and trust follow. When church members care more about others than themselves arguments and divisions disappear.

I am pretty certain I do not deserve such love and devotion from an employee, but I am deeply grateful for it!

- Bart

This is part 6 in a series on love and relationships based on 1 Corinthians 13. If the series has touched you in any way please click on the share button to tell your friends. You can have the remaining posts in the series delivered to your inbox by clicking on the subscribe link. Have a comment or s story to share? I would love to hear it!

Rude, Crude and Nude. What Love is not. Love part 5

I grew up in a rude and crude family. My alcoholic step-father took vulgarity to unbelievable levels, exposing my brothers and me to things we never should have seen. I remember him getting drunk one night after work and deciding to go for a swim. He stripped naked at the kitchen counter and headed for the pool, an image a 10-year-old will always remember. On another night my mother rejected his drunken advances so he summoned us into their bedroom. He lay naked in the bed next to my mother, her lip swollen and bleeding, as he declared to us all that he was going to divorce our mother for not performing on demand. As bad as his behavior was his speech was even more disgusting, peppered with profanity and seasoned with vulgar comments too vile to put into print. He was not a loving man.

When I met my wife I quickly learned what the love of a father looked like. The contrast between the vulgarity of my step-father and the love of my father-in-law was remarkable. In the 25 years I was blessed to have Chuck Rehm as a part of my life I never heard him swear and never heard him make an unseemly comment. He adored my mother-in-law and not once did I hear him make a contrary comment about her. His commitment to my wife and her sisters was unshakeable.

I think about these two men when I read the next description of love in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is not rude.” Other versions read “Love is not unseemly” or “Love does dishonor others.” It is clear from this definition that my father-in-law loved his family and my step-father did not.

Sadly, many of us are very much like my step-father. Over the years I have observed hundreds of relationships and have seen many men and women who were rude, crude and inappropriate in their behavior.  I have seen friends interrupt one another, mock others behind their backs, and crudely insult others. I have heard supposedly respectable men make vulgar jokes, and seen strangers proudly wear t-shirts with words and images that would make a sailor blush.

We should do better. It seems pretty clear from scripture that if we truly love one another such behavior should disappear.

-          Bart

This post is part 5 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.  You can share this post with others by clicking on the link below. You can have the remaining posts in the series, and all future posts delivered straight to your email inbox by clicking on the subscribe button. As always comments are welcomed!