You're an Adulterer. You Just Don't Realize it. Adultery Part 7

The tendency to commit adultery and to think immorally about sex is a characteristic of all humanity. It is a natural expression of mankind’s sinful nature.

God gave Moses the commandment against adultery knowing full well of man’s tendency to commit sexual immorality. An infinitely wise and all-knowing God would not have given a prohibition against adultery if only a few people were apt to fall into the sin. God knew then, and knows now, that sexual immorality is common. In my many years of practice I have seen this truth proven over and over again. The natural sex drive that God designed to be fulfilled in marriage is easily perverted into something else. Research provides further confirmation. I have seen surveys in which 5–25 percent3 of married individuals admit to infidelity. The sin is remarkably common.

The fact that 75–95 percent of individuals claim to be faithful does not mean that these people are guilt-free. When we consider Jesus’ teaching that men who wrongly view women are guilty as well, there are very few innocent people. It appears that the majority of people struggle with adultery. “You shall not commit adultery” is clearly on God’s top ten list for good reason. Just as murder resulted from devaluing human life, so too, adultery is a result of devaluing sexual intimacy.

As plain as it is that God intended sexual intimacy to be a foundation for the marital bond, I believe that there is much more to the union than a physical connection. Faithfulness in marriage means more than simply avoiding sexual sin. Physical intimacy is the most tangible expression of the intimacy of marriage, but the bond goes far beyond mere sexuality. The oneness God described in the Genesis account includes intimate emotions, thoughts, and words, nonphysical things that are not to be shared outside of marriage. Jesus’ words on adultery illustrate the truth that such thoughts and feelings are important.

When Jesus warned against looking at a woman with lust in the heart, He was referring to a woman who was not a man’s wife. (It is rather difficult to commit adultery with one’s spouse!) I believe it is appropriate to look at one’s wife with desire. The longing to be with one’s spouse is part of a healthy marriage, desiring someone else is not. Implied in Jesus’ teaching is the truth that the desire for sex, and the look that accompanies that desire, are the sole property of one’s spouse. If a husband gives such a look to another woman, he is giving away something that only his wife deserves. The marital bond is weakened not only because a lustful look separates sex from marital intimacy but also because the look itself belongs only to one’s spouse.

When a marital partner shares with another that which rightly should only be shared with a spouse, he/she violates intimacy and trust. This breach makes adultery especially harmful. There are things in a marriage that are meant to be unique to a marriage. The marriage bed is the most sacred of these trusts, but there are others as well. Just as looking at another person as a source of pleasure is a type of adultery, so also is giving to another person anything that rightfully belongs only to one’s spouse.

As I reflect on my own marriage I can think of a number of things that belong only to my wife. In addition to my physical self, only she deserves my sexual desires. To her alone belong my admiring stares and flirtatious smiles. To her alone belongs my heart. No other woman deserves to know my deepest thoughts and fears, my greatest hopes and dreams. The deeper things of my heart are hers and hers alone.

There are words that belong solely to my wife as well. There are compliments that carry with them an admiration and appreciation that rightfully belong only to my wife. While I may tell another woman that her new haircut looks nice or compliment the color of a new outfit, I should not give any praise that communicates any sexual desire. Compliments such as “You look beautiful,” “You have the prettiest eyes,” or at times even something as seemingly innocuous as “You look really nice today,” may be wrongfully giving away admiration that belongs to my wife. Wisdom demands that I be careful in what I say.

Out of love and respect for my wife I have chosen to avoid giving other women any compliments that might make a woman think she was an object of my desire. I will never compliment another woman in a way that might make my wife uncomfortable or jealous. Years ago I was discussing these things with a neighbor of mine. He thought I was being foolish and legalistic. To him words were harmless. As a salesman, he regularly would compliment other women, telling them they were beautiful or that they looked great. I shared with him that I thought that was “verbal adultery,” that certain types of praise, particularly praise of someone’s physical appearance, could easily be interpreted as expressions of desire or as a type of flirtation. For that reason I felt it best that no woman except for a man’s wife should be addressed in this way. Although he could not understand it at the time, as he grew in his faith he realized the wisdom in what I was sharing and changed his behavior.

I have taken steps to intentionally put these attitudes into practice. As a man who has female employees I have learned what to say and not say. I carefully choose words that cannot be misinterpreted as flirtatious. I am very careful in how I compliment female patients. I make a conscious effort to compliment actions (such as losing weight) rather than appearance.

It is not just words of praise that should only be given to my wife. There are specific types of attention and time that should not be shared with other women either. Included on the list of things that belong to my wife is intimate time alone. It is very dangerous for a man to spend time alone with another woman. Great caution should be used when it comes to lunches, dinners, or meetings in private. There are very few men who spend so much time with their wives that they have any extra time to share with another woman! I believe that intimate friendships with members of the opposite sex should be avoided, as it is inevitable that things will be shared with such a “friend” that rightfully should have been shared with a spouse.

If we truly desire to follow the spirit of God’s instructions regarding sexuality and marriage, we will do whatever we can to preserve all of the types of intimacy marriage includes. Practically speaking, asking ourselves the question “Do these words, actions, or thoughts rightfully belong to my spouse?” will keep us out of a lot of trouble! Just as wrong thinking leads to sin, right thinking leads to godly behavior. When I began to consider all of what belongs to my wife, my behavior changed. Movies with nudity and sexually provocative content became even more inappropriate. I did not want to give desirous looks to any woman, including one on a movie screen. I began to carefully watch my words. I starting turning down some invitations. As I did, I grew in love and appreciation of the wife God gave me.

- Bart

This is the 7th post in a series on adultery excerpted from my book Life Medicine. The book can be purchased on Amazon. A small group study guide is available here. If you have a church group interested in the book, I will gladly donate the books for a group study. Contact me through this site. If you have questions or comments please share them! Most of all please consider sharing this post with your friends.

The Big Money Lie

“Are you tired of living from paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever observed a need that you longed to meet, but you didn’t have the finances to help? Do you yearn to sow freely into the needs of the ministry? Do you want more out of life for you and your family? If so, you need the School of Prosperity!”

These words are copied directly from the website of the “Christian Ministry” of a man named Creflo Dollar. I had not even heard of him until I saw an online story about how God had “told” him that the ministry needed a new $65 million private jet. Apparently travelling around the world proclaiming the good news cannot be accomplished if you travel coach.

Mr. Dollar is sadly not alone in his teaching.

On his website Jerry Savelle states his ministry “exists to teach people around the world how to live in God’s blessing, experience His favor, and become the winner in life that He has called them to be” and to “Motivate people, no matter who they are, to develop a “no quit” faith and to receive God’s favor on their finances.”

Kenneth Hagin, in an article on his website writes, “When it comes to the realm of the natural, so many people don’t see the truth that God wants them to prosper financially and walk in divine health.”

There are many, many other similar preachers in America proclaiming a message of financial prosperity. To those outside these churches the message seems obviously and even comically false. How could anyone believe that God’s plan of redemption would have a financial focus?

The answer can be found in scripture. Near the end of his life the Apostle Paul wrote these words to his protégé Timothy, “For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.” 2 Timothy 4:3-4

People naturally seek out pastors who will tell them what they want to hear. In a society obsessed with material wealth, a culture where a person at the US “poverty line” has annual income higher than 85% of the world’s population, and a society obsessed with immediate gratification it should not surprise us that people want to be told that they can and should have more. They believe the lie they want to hear.

What angers me the most about this theology is not the manner in which it deceives so many (although that does tick me off.) What angers me most is the way it trivializes and diminishes God. An Eternal God by very definition must be concerned about eternal things. Acting as if this life is all that matters denies God’s nature, plan and intent. It is a heresy that must be rejected and mocked at every opportunity.

-       Bart

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Sex in our Heads. Adultery Part 6

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Far too many of us waste our minds by filling them with terrible things. When it comes to sexual sin it is corrupt thinking, believing that sex is only about pleasure, which leads people astray. Although God intended the sexual act to be intensely pleasurable it is not pleasure but intimacy and oneness that God desires for His people. When people focus on pleasure instead of intimacy there is a tendency to devalue the beauty of the oneness that God intended.

Jesus’ New Testament teaching about adultery confirms that evil-mindedness is at the heart of the seventh commandment. Jesus specifically addresses wrong attitudes about sexuality in His teaching on adultery in Matthew 5.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt 5:27–28)

The key to understanding Jesus’ teaching lies in what it means to “look on a woman lustfully.” It is not just looking at a woman that is the issue. Jesus is not asking men to go through life with blinders on. Jesus’ words indicate that it is not just the look but something in the way that the woman is being looked at that is the source of the sin. It is a lustful look, not just a glance, against which Jesus is speaking. It is that type of look that Jesus equates with adultery.

What is a “lustful” look? The word in the Greek translated as “lustful” means “to long for” or “to desire.” The term implies that the person is not desiring relationship, intimacy, and marriage. The desire and longing that characterizes the look is purely physical. It is a desire for pleasure. The “luster” desires the other person in a physical sense only. There is no thought of the person’s life, feelings, or standing with God. (Such thinking would by its very nature prevent illegitimate sexual desire!) The lustful person is thinking only of himself, of the pleasure to be gained. This is the type of look of which Jesus is speaking. It is a leer that ignores the heart and soul of the woman. It objectifies her and makes her nothing more than a physical source of pleasure. It is dehumanizing.

The story of David and Bathsheba provides an excellent example of such sinful gazing. We read in the story that David first saw Bathsheba bathing. Stumbling across a beautiful woman who happens to be bathing is not in and of itself sinful. But it is clear that as David looked at Bathsheba, the look became something more than a brief unintentional glance. The look evolved into wanton lust. Although David may have initially been innocent, at some point the sinful attitude toward women that he had previously allowed to possess his heart took over. Just as he had with Abigail years earlier, David viewed Bathsheba as someone who could please him. He wanted Bathsheba for himself, and he felt entitled to her.

David’s lust was evident in the actions that followed. He inquired as to who Bathsheba was, not because he was concerned about her life, but because he wanted her. The report that she was married did nothing to squelch his desire. The urge for pleasure controlled his thoughts and drove his actions. David’s adultery was the physical expression of what was already in his heart.

This account of David’s sin and the teaching of Jesus show that selfishness is at the core of adulterous thoughts and actions. Selfishness causes one to view another person as a source of pleasure instead of as the child of God they are. Selfishness separates the beauty and intimacy of proper sexual relations from the pleasure associated with it. Such selfishness turns sex into a purely physical act devoid of any deeper meaning.

Thinking wrongly about sex undermines the bond of intimacy that is the foundation of marital unity. This is why Jesus warned of violating this union. When the beauty of sexual intimacy is lost, the marital bond is weakened. When a man looks at a woman (or a woman at a man) as solely a physical object he is intentionally thinking inappropriately about sex, marriage, and God’s plan for men and women.

It is easy to condemn David for his sin, but the tendency to view sex as a purely physical act meant for personal pleasure is present in all of us. Billions of dollars would not be spent on pornography if there were not a large number of people who pursue sexual pleasure apart from true intimacy. Surveys of Christian men’s use of pornography have shown time and again that men of faith are not immune to such sexual sin. The tendency to violate God’s commandment against adultery seems to be innate, as a result only through intentional effort can it be avoided.

All of us need to look at our lives and evaluate our attitudes about sex and intimacy. We all need to step back and look closely at our lives to make sure that we are building into our lives the protections that will keep ourselves pure and our marriages safe.

- Bart

This is part 6 in a series of posts taken from my book, Life Medicine. I will be speaking on this subject Sunday October 18, 2015 in the Chapel (not main sanctuary) at the Fullerton Evangelical Free Church at 10:00. Video of the message will be uploaded to my Vimeo page in the coming weeks. Comments, questions and shares are always welcome.

The Loneliness that Cancer Brings

Two young children and a husband with cancer. It was impossible not to worry. She tried to be positive and supportive, but the fears were inescapable. What if the cancer spread? How many years did they have left? If her worst fears materialized, how would she make it?

Her husband either did not share or fears or did a much better job of suppressing them. Like so many cancer patients I have seen he decided that talking and worrying didn’t change anything, so he focused on getting back to work and a sense of normalcy. He kept the details of his Illness a secret to his friends and his extended family, preferring to avoid the questions and the scrutiny.

While this modified form of denial seemed to work well for him it was difficult for her. Unable to share the secret she often felt alone in her grief and worry. She longed to be able to tell others, shed tears, and receive hugs and prayers.

Theirs is not an uncommon tale. A cancer diagnosis is typically more difficult for family members than it is for the patient. The patient focuses on treatments and recovery, the family just worries.

The stress of family members illustrates another common aspect of our society, isolation and lack of community. Deep friendships and meaningful relationships are increasingly rare. People focus on work and family with little time for anything else. Acquaintances are made with other parents through youth sports and activities but there is little opportunity for serious conversations at soccer games and pizza parties. When difficult times come people often have no where to turn.

Years ago I heard a pastor bring this point home by asking the question, “If your husband or wife was in the ICU facing death, who would you want sitting by your side?” Most people struggled to come up with more than a handful of names.

The pastor’s question and the young mother’s struggles serve as a powerful reminder of how important it is to develop friendships and invest in the lives of others. We never know when we may need encouragement and support or when others may need us.

- Bart

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Adultery and the Road to Destruction

12 divorces. When I add together the divorces in the immediate families of me and my wife there have been twelve divorces. I have had a front row seat to the tragedy that divorce wreaks on those it touches. As a result every time I hear of a patient’s marriage ending my heart breaks. I mourn for the couple and I mourn for their children. Too often divorce is a direct result of sexual failing.

God made marriage and with it He made the family. It is the primary vehicle for religious instruction and training and it is designed to be representative of man’s relationship with God (Eph 5–6). As a result, God has a vested interest in healthy, intact families. Robust, godly families are the objective of the commandment against adultery. Adultery destroys families and is (understandably) hated by the God who created them.

To see the horrible consequences of adultery one need look no further than the story of the Israelite King David and the woman Bathsheba (2 Sam 11–12). David’s lust for another man’s wife led to adultery, murder, and ultimately the death of a child. As the years passed, David’s family was plagued by idolatry, immorality, incestuous rape, and sibling murder. David’s unfaithfulness in adultery weakened the foundations of his family––with devastating long-term effects.

From David’s story we learn about the roots of adultery as well. David’s sin was not a spontaneous act arising out of a chance encounter. Although he pursued Bathsheba only after he had unintentionally observed her bathing, the seeds of immorality had taken root many years earlier. A close look at the life of David reveals that his sin with Bathsheba was not the first time he had made a wrong decision about a woman. As with all sin, David’s adultery began with a wrong attitude of the heart. Just like David, if we do not avoid the attitudes and desires that can lead us astray, we will fail in our quest to live sexually pure lives.

The story of David’s relationships with women began many years prior to Bathsheba. When David killed the Philistine giant Goliath (1 Sam 17), he was promised the daughter of King Saul as his wife. Although the promised daughter was eventually given to another man, Saul ultimately gave his other daughter Michal to be David’s wife. David’s response to Saul’s offer of his daughter’s hand tells us much about David as a man. We see from the story that David was a humble man who did not consider himself worthy to be the king’s son-in-law. This initial attitude of believing himself unworthy of such a wife suggests David began with a healthy appreciation of the blessing that a wife is.

David’s attitude is well described in the text:

Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king is pleased with you, and his attendants all like you; now become his son-in-law.’ They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.” (1 Sam 18:22–23)

At this point in David’s life he was a humble shepherd boy. Although he was adored by the people of Israel, who danced and sang “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands” when David returned from killing Goliath (1 Sam 18:5–7), David refused to view himself as better than anyone else.

Unfortunately for David, this attitude did not last. Not long after David took Saul’s daughter Michal as his wife, Saul turned against David and tried to kill him. David and a small band of soldiers found themselves on the run from Saul and his men. They moved from place to place to avoid being captured and killed by King Saul. Eventually they arrived at a desert in a place called Maon. Near where they were staying lived a wealthy but unpleasant man by the name of Nabal. Nabal was married to Abigail, a beautiful and intelligent woman (1 Sam 25:3).

David sent men to Nabal and asked if he might give some blessing and aid to David and his men. Nabal responded to David in a rude and demeaning way:

Nabal answered David’s servants, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?” (1 Sam 25:10–11)

Nabal said of David something very similar to what David had said of himself a short while earlier. Nabal asked, “Who is this David?” Although David had once questioned his own worthiness when it came to marrying the king’s daughter, the events that followed show that the humble Who am I? David was gone. In his place was a man filled with a sense of importance and entitlement. Who am I? David had been replaced by How dare he talk to me that way! David. Nabal’s response was an insult to this new David, so David and his men took up arms and set off to avenge their impugned honor.

With vengeance in their hearts they approached the place where Nabal lived. It was their intent to kill not only Nabal, but also every man who worked for him. Only the wise intervention of Abigail prevented a terrible slaughter. She met David and his men while they were coming to attack, bringing food and gifts to appease David’s anger. Her thoughtful actions saved the life of her foolish husband and the lives of their servants as well.

Ten days after Abigail’s shrewd actions, Nabal died. The beautiful, intelligent, and wealthy Abigail was suddenly single and available––all of which certainly did not go unnoticed. Travelling with David were some 600 men. I have no doubt there was at least one single man among those serving David who would have loved to be blessed with such an amazing woman as a wife. As ecstatic as one of David’s men would have been to marry Abigail, none of them were given the chance. Even though he was already married, David decided that he deserved Abigail more than anyone else did. He took her as his second wife.

David had changed. He had gone from someone who felt he did not deserve a wife at all to someone who felt entitled to more than one. He had gone from someone who served others to someone who believed that others existed for him. Here, in his decision to take Abigail, we see the beginning of the attitude that led to his moral failure with Bathsheba. The act with Bathsheba revealed the culmination of the mindset that he was entitled to any woman he wanted. Instead of being a physical expression of the union of one man and one woman, for David sexual intimacy became about his own personal pleasure. He exchanged God’s beautiful plan of intimacy for irrational lust, a compulsion that led to his adultery with Bathsheba and the resultant devastating consequences.

It is my prayer that we all learn the lesson of David and take intentional steps to guard ourselves and protect our marriages. It is the greatest of all earthly endeavors.

- Bart 

This is the 5th in an 8 part series on Adultery, taken from my book Life Medicine, an exploration and application of the principles of the 10 Commandments. The book is available at Amazon. If you are interested in purchasing copies for your church or small group, please contact me through the site to get the books at cost. A small group study guide is linked from the book page on this site, and my sermon series on the book can me accessed on my vimeo page.