The Cult is Having a Sale

The cult was having a sale and women’s ministry in the church wanted to go. When I pointed out to them that the store in question was run by a cult their plans didn't change. The only thing that changed was their attitude about me. It seemed obvious to me that there are certain things that Christians should not do and that if I made aware they would choose to avoid  questionable behaviors. I was wrong.

I learned that many Christians only consider morality in the extreme cases such as theft and adultery. If the bible is not explicit then no thought is given to rightness or wrongness. People are free to do what they want and none dare question it.

This was surprising to me because I have questioned my own behavior since adolescence. There have always been things I clearly could not do because of moral concerns. There were other things I chose not to do when morality was unclear. Even as a teen I would not go to parties if alcohol was being served and I didn’t attend R-rated movies. I didn't want to chance it.

The sale at the cult-owned quilting store seemed something the women might want to avoid. The store in question was unique. It was the primary source of income for a small religious commune in Orange County. The leader of the cult was a feisty woman who defied government authority and who taught that Jesus was nothing more than a man. I did not think that the church would want to directly contribute to such a cult by patronizing its business.

My first thought when I saw the flyer for the shopping event was that the leaders were unaware of the store’s backstory. The store did not overtly proclaim its mission and theology, instead choosing to present itself as nothing more than a neighborhood country store. I assumed that when the leaders learned the full story of the store that they would choose to shop elsewhere. I was wrong. I was accused of being judgmental and legalistic, unreasonable and disrespectful.

When I asked how, knowing what they knew, they could justify encouraging women of the church to shop at the store their answer left me dumbfounded. I was told that the store stocked some hard to find items and that it would be inconvenient to try and find them elsewhere. My concern that making the shopping trip a church sponsored event might lead some to believe that the church was supportive of the store’s mission was dismissed out of hand.

Over the years I have learned that my attitude about morality makes me an outlier. I live in a world in which the majority of people are not guided by values and principles. What matters most is what people feel and what people want. If making a stand is difficult or inconvenient most people will choose not to make it at all. 

The sad reality is that when values are sacrificed when they become costly, they aren’t worth anything.

-          Bart

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For those who are wondering, the cult store is still in business. It is the Piecemakers store in Costa Mesa, California.

Waiting 94 Years for a Birthday Gift

It was her 94th birthday. It was also her first birthday without her husband since they were married 77 years ago. The last of her two daughters died 8 years ago and I am the only grandchild who lives near her so she spends most of her days alone. She expected her birthday would be quiet and uneventful. The staff at the assisted living facility where she lives would likely wish her “Happy Birthday” but beyond that there were no plans except Mexican food for dinner with me and my wife and her caregiver and her husband.

It was early afternoon when a FedEx envelope arrived at the facility addressed to her. She expected it to be bill or a check from her long term care insurance. She did not expect it to be a birthday greeting, who would? No one sends a birthday card via FedEx. But someone did. Someone she had not seen or heard from in 27 years.

She opened the envelope and discovered a photograph of a man she did not recognize holding a small sign that read, “Happy Birthday Grandma.” It was her oldest grandson, who she had not seen or spoken to since 1988.

Our Grandfather had cut off all contact long ago. Gramps was an old fashioned man with old fashioned morals and when he learned in 1988 that his oldest grandson was gay he responded in a manner that was as sad as it was predictable. Gramps wanted nothing to do with him. Grandma had no choice but to yield to her husband’s wishes. Her oldest grandson disappeared from their will and their lives.

But Gramps is gone now, and her grandson wondered if it might be okay to reach out to his grandmother. He sent me an email asking for her address, asking if I thought it would be okay. My reply was, “Why not? What do you have to lose?” He sent the photo the next day. With the picture he included a note telling his grandma that he loved her and that he hoped that she would have a happy birthday. He wrote “call me anytime.”

She called right then. Their conversation was brief but wonderful. They both cried. On her 94th birthday she got her grandson back. What a gift.

He and I talked on the phone that evening after dinner. We spoke about the power of forgiveness and the beauty of restoration, both grateful that our Grandma had lived to see this day.

-          Bart

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The Day My Life Got Better. Forever.

On this date 34 years ago my life changed.

The college group at church was having a special meeting on a Friday night. A new pastor had been hired and he was being introduced that evening. I wanted to go but didn’t have anyone to go with. I was new to the group and only knew a handful of people and could not truly call any of them friends so I called a friend who went to another church and asked him to go with me. He agreed and we walked into the meeting together a few hours later.

I do not remember anything the new pastor said that evening. It was not his words that changed my life. It was something that happened later, during the reception, that altered the course of my life.

I scanned the room looking for faces I recognized. Off to the right of the room I saw two guys who I had met a few weeks earlier at weekend retreat. We met that weekend in the mountains and when it concluded we drove back down together. I had only met them once but I knew them better than anyone else in the room so I migrated in their direction.

Standing with them was a petite and pretty girl with light brown hair. We were introduced. Her name was Lisa and she had a wonderful smile. I do not remember much of the conversation, other than me joking that I drank so much Coke that my blood was carbonated.  I talk a lot when I am nervous. I also tend to crack a lot of jokes and tell stories. Miraculously, Lisa laughed at my jokes.

We saw each other again two days later at church. (She saw me approaching and placed herself strategically near the door. She was impossible to miss.) We talked, and I ended up walking her to her car. As we walked across the parking lot I found the courage to ask her out. She said yes. (Another miracle!)

Our first date was a church square dance. We talked more than we danced. Talking to Lisa was easy. The next day I called my best friend and told him that I had met a girl I could totally fall for. “How could you know that after only one date?” was his incredulous reply.

Three weeks later I asked Lisa to marry me. She said yes and less than 5 months later she were married in the room in which we met. My life was transformed. Before Lisa I was self-doubting and alone. She gave me her heart and that gave me courage.

34 years have passed. I still melt at her smile. I thank God every day for miracle of her love.

-Bart

Jealousy- The Highest American Value

There was once a time when people rejoiced in the success and good fortune of others. Those days have disappeared. Admiration and respect have given way to jealousy and spite.

Success through effort has been an American value since the founding of our nation. Hard work, perseverance and sacrifice were the ingredients in the recipe for success. While other countries may have class based societies designed to keep the lower classes down and the upper classes in power, the United States has been a place where there is no limit to what a poor person can achieve, regardless of their background.

Success stories like that of T.S. are the embodiment of the old American dream. He spoke almost no English when he arrived in New York City at the age of 7. His mother did not speak English at all. He lived in a crowded apartment with his parents, grandparents and a cousin. His was not a privileged childhood, he did not see his parents as much as better off children saw theirs. His parents both worked 12 hour days in a laundromat to make ends meet.

Although neither of T’s parents had attended college they understood the value of an education. They were aware that in New York City excellent students, regardless of income or social background, could all apply for admission to one of the city’s elite high schools. Academic standards were stringent and the admission test was incredibly difficult but students who attended one of the eight elite schools were often able to gain admittance to one of the nation’s top universities. The prestigious city high schools are so elite that their alumni include more Nobel laureates than many foreign nations do.

With the support of his parents T began preparing for the elite high school entrance exam when he entered the 6th grade. The test is administered to students entering 8th grade so T spent two years attending tutoring sessions and working through study guides, all in addition to his normal school work. It paid off. T earned admission to the top high school in New York. He has since graduated and is a student at NYU.

There was a time when stories such as T’s would be celebrated, but those days seem to have passed in New York. It is not celebrated because T has the wrong name and his skin is the wrong color. T.S. are the initials of Ting Shi, an immigrant from China. Because he is Asian and because students of Asian descent make up over 60% of enrollment at New York’s elite high schools, he represents a problem to be solved instead of an example to be followed. There are too many students like Ting. There is a movement in New York to change the school admission standards to make it more difficult for Asian students to gain entrance, all in the name of diversity.

Instead of being treated as just another Asian academic success tale Ting’s story should motivate other poor families in New York. His success should encourage other families to sacrifice for their children in the way his parents did for him. Ting demonstrated that hard work, perseverance and sacrifice do lead to success, even for those who are less fortunate or financially disadvantaged. Unfortunately for the families of New York hard work , perseverance and sacrifice do not appear to be values shared any longer by the society into which his parents immigrated 12 years ago. Elected officials in New York are trying to find a way to allow students to gain admission without similar effort. This is apparently the new definition of fairness.

It sounds more like racism and jealousy to me.

-          Bart

Ting’s story was brought to light by Dennis Saffran in his article, “The Plot Against Merit”. I encourage you to read it all.

Parenting by iPad

I see it more and more in the office. Little children with an iPad or an iPhone in their hands. Some are too young to speak in full sentences yet they can clearly communicate their desire to watch a movie or play a game. Mom and dad rapidly comply with their wishes as it accomplishes their primary objective, a quiet child. While I can understand the desire to be able to interact with another adult without being continually distracted by your child I fear that there are unintended consequences ahead for these parents and children.

My concerns are increased by how often I see  this parenting behavior outside my office. It can be seen almost anywhere we see parents and their children. Children riding in the child seats in shopping carts, at tables in restaurants, in church pews and even at family gatherings can be seen sitting alone staring at a miniature video screen. The children appear to be happy, content and quiet, yet I wonder. When did quiet children become the ultimate parenting goal?

While the unending questions of a toddler can be wearisome, they are an essential part of intellectual and social development. Through them the child learns not only how to speak and communicate but also how the world works. These repetitive conversations help forge a relationship of trust and respect with parents. Parents learn the personality and interests of their children and strengthen the bond they share. Children learn from what goes on around them. They learn appropriate social interaction from watching adults interact. They also learn patience and self control. None of this happens when the child sits in a corner with an iPad.

While a child's quietness may make a parent's life easier for the moment, this is not a healthy goal. Good parenting has never been easy. I fear that the current generation of parents has either never learned or has already forgotten that we do not have children for ourselves. Children are not toys or playmates to be called upon when entertainment is desired. They are a gift from God, made in His image, given to parents to be loved, trained and served. Children need parents who will sacrifice for them, who will answer the repeated questions and play the silly games, who will love them, listen to them and give them attention.

There is no app for that.

- Bart

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