The Key to avoiding conflict in your marriage

Ever wonder why you fight? A recent patient interaction illustrates a common reason-

The visit was for a physical. His form stated his marital status as “divorced” so I asked him about it. They had been married for 26 years. It had not always been wonderful, but he thought they were making progress. A few months prior to the visit he went for a week long trip, and when he returned she was gone, packed up and moved back in with her parents. No real reason as far as he could tell. They had discussed “it” many times, yet he still wasn't sure what had happened.

I wasn't sure how to help him understand, so I simply did what Family Doctors are trained to do. We are taught that common things occur commonly, so I looked for a common cause of "unexplained" conflict. Frequently, sudden decisions are emotional decisions, so I ventured a guess- maybe she just felt really unhappy and didn't know why.

 “Some people are very emotional, and just feel things," I said, "the feeling is so strong that they just believe it,  and then afterwards work to develop an explanation for the feeling. If you try to rationally show them why their explanation doesn't make sense, they may not be able to let go of the feeling. Instead they will just come up with another explanation, and then another.  Since they feel it so strongly, they are sure it must be true. Maybe she just felt really unhappy, and you were blamed.”

“THAT'S IT! YOU NAILED IT!” He replied.

While diagnosing the cause of the conflict was easy, providing a cure for such conflicts is not. How do you deal with conflict that is based in emotions? The key is to realize it is an emotional conflict and to learn that emotions can't always be trusted.

A question I often ask people who seem to be driven by emotions in this- “Is it possible to feel something strongly and believe something deeply and be wrong?” Almost everyone answers "yes," but then is stumped by the follow up question, “So how do you know when you are right?” If we can't trust our feelings, what do we trust?

Stories such as this patient's lead to me to reflect on my own marriage and how we have been able to avoid such conflicts. I think it might be because as people of faith we believe that our own thoughts and emotions are inherently flawed and untrustworthy. We naturally question our feelings and measure them by an external standard. (As Christians, it the teachings of the Bible that provide us with a standard.)

For people who have no such external compass, no standard by which their thoughts can be measured, resolution is much more difficult. When spouses disagree it devolves into an argument about which person is “right” and which person is “wrong.” The dispute is either “won” by the better debater, or by the person whose feelings are the strongest. Most often, no one wins and the conflict is never fully resolved.

Personally, I have learned that when I start from a place of "Maybe feelings are wrong," agreement is less elusive, and arguments and conflict can be avoided. (Of course if I start with “I am wrong and she is right” there is no argument at all!) Next time you have a conflict, don't automatically trust your feelings. Question your emotions, and challenge your thoughts. You may be surprised.

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8 Memorable Christmas Gifts

The gifts we remember the longest are not always the best or the most expensive. It is the gifts that create memories, the gifts that are a part of a story that endure. With that definition in mind, here are some of the most memorable gifts I gave or received-

1- A blue 3-speed bike, with a basket. The gift embodies my childhood. My older brother got a 10-speed, the ultimately cool bike of that era, and my twin and I got 3-speeds with a basket. It's good I was too young for a man card, for a bike with a basket would have resulted in instant revocation. To add insult to injury, on the inaugural ride later that morning I didn't pay attention to where I was going and crashed into the neighbor's camper and damaged the bike.

2- A ukelele. There is nothing wrong with a ukelele- I just didn't want one. At All. I had been taking banjo lessons, so somehow my father concluded that I would like a ukelele. Uh... no. It is reminds me how, as a child of divorce, my father did not know me very well at all. (He apparently knew my twin brother who got a totally awesome catcher's mitt! But I am not jealous...)

3- A table-top Pac-man video game. A gift from Lisa our first Christmas together. I played it for hours. It is a part of one of our favorite memories, as I took it (and a large container of her awesome Christmas sugar cookies) with us on a weekend trip to Big Bear. We stayed in a rickety cabin, it snowed, and we found a secluded hill where we inner tubed in the fresh snowfall. Best. First. Christmas. Ever.

4- Stinky golf-ball Christmas ornaments, emblazoned with cheesy golf cliches. I am not making this one up. My mother, who I rarely saw, came by my office unannounced to drop off the “gift”. The packaging reeked of smoke, and the ornaments were not suitable for any sane person's Christmas tree. A symbol of my relationship with my my mother, wrapped in a bow.

5- A Jane Fonda workout tape. I actually gave this to Lisa. What kind of an idiot is so stupid as to give his wife a workout tape for Christmas? This kind of idiot.

6- A photo mug. Lisa took 6 year-old Nate and one year-old Jamie shopping at the mall. They posed for one of those “put your photo on a mug” mugs to give me as a gift. Nate was so excited. He burst through the door when they got home, loudly proclaiming, “Daddy, we got you a mu-,” before realizing he wasn't supposed to say anything! We still laugh at this one.

7- Puff paint T-shirts. We were tight on money in 1989. It was my last year in medical school, and Lisa was 8 months pregnant. We set ourselves a limit of $25 to spend on each other, so I bought T-shirts and a Teddy Bear stencil. I painted bears on the shirts, one for each of us, and wrote the words “Baby Barrett”, “Mommy Barrett” and “Daddy Barrett” on the t-shirts. The shirts were a big hit. It was not then, nor is it now, about the money.

8- A bat handle hat rack. In 2004 I moved into my new office. Each room has a theme, and for the baseball room I wanted a baseball bat hat rack. I had seen one online and thought it would be awesome. I put it on my list. My father-in-law couldn't find one to buy online, so he made one. He went to a bat factory and bought broken bats for two of the handles, and then made two bat handles on his lathe. It was perfect. He was like that. He made things for the people he loved, and he made it clear then that he loved me. It was the last Christmas I shared with him (he died 4 months later) but the gift and the memory remain.

These are some of my memories, I would love to hear yours. Here is praying that your Christmas will be filled with wonderful stories and happy memories, but most of all that you will remember the greatest Gift of all, the Savior who was born.

Got any gift stories? Share them in the comments!

An annoying patient... how should I respond?

I received an email from a patient over labor day weekend. It read, “It is totally my fault for not scheduling sooner, but my son needs a sports physical so he can participate in workouts this week. I don't want to take him out of class, so I would like an appointment after 3:15.”

My initial response was. “Seriously?”

The schedule was already packed. I only had 3 afternoon appointments left for the short week, which would certainly quickly fill with patients who had unexpected needs such as illness or injury.

I issued a prompt denial via email saying I did not have any openings, defending my stance by reasoning, “It's her fault, she failed to plan!”

That, to me, was the issue. She made the mistake, and now she was asking my office staff and I to bail her out. I was miffed, and I replied to her message saying we did not have any afternoon appointments available. I marinated in my miffed-ness for a few hours, and then realized that my schedule really was a mess. I looked again at the schedule for the week and saw that I needed to add appointments. I did not have enough openings to meet the normal demands of a short post-holiday week. I told the staff I would give up my Wednesday morning off. Since I then had 10 extra slots for the week I had my receptionist call her and offer one of the openings Wednesday morning, or an afternoon opening the following week. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was really the best I could do.

What I didn't do that I would have done 5 years ago is give her a lecture on how unreasonable she was! (not that the thought didn't cross my mind!).

While my initial thoughts were more annoyed than gracious, I hope my ultimate response was appropriate and reflective of how I would want to be treated in a similar circumstance. Isn't this what the Golden Rule is about? Treating others as we would want to be treated? Grace is difficult, and does not come easily to me even in small matters, but I am learning!

How to be thankful- Lessons from a Pilgrim

392 years ago, 53 settlers gathered together to celebrate the blessings of the harvest, and the greater blessing of life itself. When they left home many months earlier they had numbered 102; a difficult voyage, a brutal winter and widespread disease had reduced their number nearly by half.

The events at Plymouth in 1621 have great personal significance for me, for the spiritual leader of the 53 was Elder William Brewster, a devout man and my eleventh great-grandfather. The three day feast he and his flock celebrated that fall is considered to be the first Thanksgiving. There is little original documentation of the feast, as only two primary sources remain. One of the records is that of Edward Winslow, a Pilgrim who wrote of the events to those in his homeland. He closed his account with these words- "And although it be not always so plentiful, as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God, we are so far from want, that we often wish you partakers of our plenty."

In his words are truths that are worth remembering when we gather with our loved ones this holiday.

1- It is not always plentiful. When we gather to feast, our gratitude increases when we consider that not everyone is as blessed, and that we may not always have been or may not always be as blessed ourselves.

2-"We are so far from want." We have been granted riches and plenty that are beyond the imagination of many alive today, blessings so great that it is difficult for us to even comprehend the poverty faced by others.

3- We have these blessings for one reason- The goodness of our God. Our blessings are not earned, are not the result of our effort or accomplishments. They are entirely the result of God's goodness. We are blessed not because of who we are, but because of who He is.

4- We should pray that others may also partake in the blessings we have received. Let us all take time to think of those less fortunate, pray God's blessings on them, and consider how we may share.

Live and be loved like a child

I like babies. Babies are the highlight of my work day. I love newborns, 8 pounds of miracle. It is impossible to hold a newborn in your hands and not see the hand of God. I love 4 month-olds, with their natural double chins, and the way their whole bodies squirm when they get excited. I love the way their faces erupt into a smile when I engage them in “conversation”.

I love older kids too. I love their stories, how they will interrupt my interview with mom to tell about a new toy, the way a sticker of a Princess or a truck or a cartoon character is a really big deal.

I love how they all remind me of the beauty of life, of just living. Children live in the moment better than grown ups, fully experiencing all joy available right now. Without thinking, they embody Jesus' exhortation to “Take no thought for tomorrow,for tomorrow will take care of it self”. They can do this because they have parents who are looking out for their tomorrow for them. If only we had a Father who cared for us this way... Oh Yeah! We do!

As the holiday season begins, let's purpose to enjoy it as a child, savoring each moment of each day, resting in the knowledge that we are loved by a Heavenly Father who delights in His us.