The Foundation of a Lasting Friendship

Many friendships don't last. Some we think will last forever quickly fade while a few endure in unexpected fashion. This is a story of such a friendship.

I have known Rod for thirty-five years. When I was 18 he took me in as a roommate. 7 years his junior, he was a brother, friend, mentor and guitar teacher to me.   At times we shared evenings filled with long and deep conversations about faith and life, other times I would sit and marvel at his guitar skills, listening with envy at the beautiful melodies he created, many of which I can still play.

Out friendship has endured these years in unique fashion. We do not speak often but are always glad when we do. We have very few things in common. He loves the outdoors, hiking and nature and knows next to nothing about sports or politics. I am lost outside of civilization and am addicted to sports and am a political junkie.  Come to think of it, we have almost nothing in common!

In spite of this we are friends, true friends, not the Facebook sort, but the kind that would come to one another's side at a moment's notice without question.

We remain friends because of a single, deeply shared commonality. We are brothers in faith. In our own ways and in our own worlds we each live each day doing our best to serve the God we love, the God who first loved us and who made us brothers.

Which is why I found myself sitting alone in a coffee house in an unfamiliar neighborhood in Long Beach on a Sunday night a few weeks ago. Rod was playing, one of three artists scheduled to perform that night.

I listened to him sing about life and about loss, about a search for meaning and purpose, sharing his gifts and talents with all those God brought his way.  He was genuine and transparent, honest and forthright. He was Rod. This is who and how he is.

As I listened I was transported back 35 years, to a place where I was once again sipping coffee listening to his music and looking up to a man who possessed a level of character and integrity to which I aspired. He is still an inspiration to me.

There is no question that I would not be who I am today were it not for Rod. His friendship has been such a gift. 

- Bart

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Being Fired Isn't Always the End

“This is it. I am going to have to let you go.” And with that a 5 year relationship with one of my favorite employees ended. I have always hated letting people go but this one was especially difficult.

I hired her when she was 19, the sister in law of one of my other employees. I was not sure she would be up to task, being the primary receptionist for a busy family doctor with high standards is not an easy job. She excelled out of the gate, handling the phones and patients with grace and aplomb. They all loved her as her natural sweetness and willingness to help were impossible to resist. In the 5 years she worked for me I cannot remember single complaint from a patient.

I genuinely cared for her, and as she is Hispanic, often called used the term of endearment “Mija” when I talked to her. She talked to me about her life and her family and I felt as if we were as close as a boss can be with an employee.

So what happened?

Overtime she began to make mistakes. I wondered if it was due to the fact that she was trying to go to college in the evenings or if it is was financial pressure. Whatever the reason was, things started to fall through the cracks. I talked to her about it, counseled her about it and even warned her about it. She improved for a while but when one morning I discovered some patient results had not been forwarded to me for several weeks due to an oversight, I felt I had no choice but to say good-bye. I had to draw the line at quality of care. She was heart-broken and so was I.

A short time later she applied for a job with the Medical Group I contract with. They called and asked me about her and I gave them the best recommendation I could, telling them how she had been so wonderful for so long. To her credit she had been honest in the interview about all that had happened. They offered her the position.

We had limited contact over the next few years, she would occasionally answer the phone when I called the Medical Group and her sister-in-law gave me updates every once in a while. There were never any negative words exchanged and she never spoke ill of me to anyone. I never thought that our relationship would improve but was grateful that there seemed to be no hard feelings.

A few months ago the staff wanted to change cleaning services for the office. Her sister-in-law asked if she could do the weekend cleaning. “Why not?” I thought. So I hired her for that position. The job is on the weekends when the office is closed so I did not see at all and we talked only once or twice for brief moments.

In the last two weeks we have had staff shortages in the office due to vacation and family illness. Normally we would call a temp office for help or just struggle a long, but she is on winter break from college and the office staff wondered if she could fill in. “Why not?” I thought again!

And so she is back at the desk, answering phones and smiling at the patients. When she came in for her first shift we embraced, genuinely pleased to see one another. We have talked some and updated each other on events in our lives and I have been reminded of the sweetness and kindness that have always been a part of who she is. I have even called her “mija” again.

Her story reminds me of how life is supposed to work. Mistakes sometimes have unavoidable consequences. Bosses need to make changes and employees need to move on. Good people, kind people, can still care about one another and still wish each other well. We can forgive one another and sometimes even work together again. If only we could all forgive and love in this way!

-          Bart

The value of an Apology? Usually Nothing

I have never been good with my temper but there are some things that really tick me off. Near the top of my list is an empty apology. I get these a lot when I call the help line of a large company. Something isn't working so I call. I eventually end up with someone named "Bob" or "Susie" (who definitely does NOT sound like a Bob or Susie). I explain my problem and immediately receive the programmed, standard issue, repeated so many times it is committed to memory apology, "I am so sorry for your inconvenience, I am sure that must be frustrating."

Quite often Bob and Susie can't help me so I am transferred to "Bill" (again, sounding like no Bill I have ever met). After repeating my previous information verbatim, Bill inevitably says, "I am so sorry for your inconvenience, I am sure it must be frustrating."

I must confess that on a few occasions I have replied, "What is really frustrating is having someone half way around the world repeat an empty and meaningless apology! I would prefer it if someone just fixed my problem!"

The empty apology has become a part of our culture. Doctors are notorious for this. Too many patients have waited for over an hour in an office, ultimately to be told  "I am sorry for your wait." I don't think they are truly sorry, it seems to me that if someone is truly sorry that they should do something to make amends, something to indicate that they actually care.

I have started doing this in my practice. If I am not in the exam room within 30 minutes of an appointment time, I give the patient a Starbucks gift card. On those extremely rare occasions where the wait is over an hour, I waive co-pays or don't charge at all. Perhaps it is because meaningful apologies are rare, but I have seen these gestures have a profound impact. Frowns turn into smiles and anger fades when the patient realizes that we value them and their time.

There is another benefit as well. Now that being late actually costs me something, I seem to make a more concerted effort to be on time! Makes me think I should be like this in all areas of my life. Imagine if every time I was rude, late or inconsiderate my apology was accompanied by a gift card! If being a jerk had real consequences, I might be nicer!

- Bart

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Love is never Hopeless.

waiting for a boy to become a man can be hard!

It is very hard to look at a 13 year-old boy and accurately forecast the probability of future success. For my son Nate it was darned near impossible. The standard indicators of future success- a clean room, completed chores, and finished homework, were noticeably absent. At that age it seemed that his greatest hope for success in the world was dependent on there actually being a zombie apocalypse or an alien invasion. If there was one (or two) things he was really good at it was killing aliens and zombies. It was a skill honed and developed through hours of practice that arose out of a singular devotion to duty.

As a father it was incredibly frustrating. Like many dads looking at his cluttered room and hearing the endless video game explosions led to visions of my son standing at an intersection with a piece of cardboard that said “Will work for food.” (Although the thought that he might actually be willing to work was slightly comforting.)

My frustration was in large part my own fault. I had unreasonable expectations for a 13 year-old. (My wife will say that I also had unreasonable expectations for a 14, 15, 16, and 17 year-olds as well.) I was basing my opinion totally on what I saw with my eyes. I was ignoring two important things that I could not see- the goodness of his heart, influenced by the Biblical teaching that was a large part of his life, and the bigness of our God, who Nate had made a commitment to at a young age.

I was allowing present circumstances and performance to completely determine my perception of the future of my child. I was stupid, and on many occasions I did not show him love as I should have, for love does not only believe in the good intentions of someone’s heart for the present time, love believes that goodness of heart will result in good in the future. This belief that the future will be better has a name. It is called Hope.

Paul listed Hope as one of the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love always hopes.” Even when current evidence is lacking, even when someone is failing right in front of us, when it comes to relationships with those we love, our family, especially our spiritual family, true love brings hope. Hope that the future need not be defined by the present. Hope that God is able to make broken people whole, that God can change lives for the good.

It is difficult to hope sometimes, difficult to believe that the future can be better. We need God’s help to love like this, need Him to remind us that He is in control, need to trust His ability to work in the lives of those He loves. But if we love others and love God we must trust, for love always hopes.

I had hope for my son. If I had allowed his dirty room and video games to define him, I would have not encouraged him to be more and do more. My hopes were not disappointed as he has since exceeded my hopes for him. He is a good man, a loving husband, and a devout believer. He is still equipped to deal with the coming zombie apocalypse, but he is also finishing a law degree at UCLA, and working for the District Attorney, where he is displaying a talent for dealing with real life bad guys. Thank God for hope.

-          Bart

This is the 13th post in a series on love based on 1 Corinthians 13. If you have been encouraged by this post, please consider sharing it. If you have a story or comment to share, please share it in the comments. You can be sure to receive all future posts in your email by subscribing to the blog as well. (Link is upper right on a computer, at the bottom of the page on a mobile device.)

Quitters Make Terrible Lovers

I come from a family of quitters. Especially in relationships. In the Barrett family the tradition is when someone doesn’t do what you want, you cut them off. Forget about second chances or forgiveness. If you fail to meet expectations or cross the line, if you hurt someone, you are done.

This is how I did not speak to my father for 20 years. My father was offended by something I said so he cut me off. Over the years there was no contact, no communication. There were no change of address forms or Christmas cards. I did not even know how to reach him. I was nothing to him. I was not worthy of his time or his love.

My mom was similar. She was an alcoholic who eventually drank herself to death. 6 years before her death I called her when one evening when she was drunk. After that very uncomfortable conversation I decided not to chance initiating conversations in the future. I told her that she was welcome to call me at any time when she was sober but that I did not want to call her for fear that I would again catch her under the influence. 5 years went by before we spoke again, and we only spoke a total of two more times before she died.

My relationships with my three brothers have followed the family theme. I did not see or speak to one brother for 20 years, and another has not talked to me for the last two. The other brother has also shunned me at times, going for months without communicating, at one time telling me that he did not need people like me in his life. Turning away when hurt or offended seems to be the Barrett way.

My wife’s family is not like this at all. Her relationships with her sisters are not perfect and have seen their share of hurts and slights, there have been blow ups and arguments and disagreements, but no one has been cut off or left behind, and the sisters have always been sisters. Forgiveness and acceptance are more the norm.

The different attitudes about family relationships can be traced back to our parents. My mother was married four times, with each marriage punctuated with periods of separation before the ultimate divorces. My father was married three times, with all of them ending in divorce as well. My mother died estranged from her children, my father lives in a nursing home somewhere in Louisiana and has not seen any of his children in many years.Lisa’s mom and dad were married for over 50 years. There kids were not perfect and there were difficulties and arguments, struggles and pain, but their relationship endured. Theirs was a relationship that seemed to grow in difficult times, a commitment that never wavered or wobbled. They were truly a rock, immovable, unshakeable and untouched by any storm life could bring.

The difference in our families is love, in particular an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 , “Love always endures.”

Lisa came from a family characterized by love, a love that was not and is not dependent on circumstances. Regardless of what life brings, in the morning love will remain. For my family, love was conditional and temporary.

By the grace of God Lisa and I have been blessed with enduring love in our home. We have been able to make her family heritage our family heritage, building a family with a sense of permanence in our relationships. My children sleep well each night knowing that as long as we live, their Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad, will always be Husband and Wife, and will never quit on them or on one another. Love does this.

While there is no question that God wants this type of love to characterize our families, we need to remember that God wants this type of love to characterize our churches as well. Paul wrote his instructions to a church that struggled with politics and division, and his words were intended to correct their lack of commitment to one another. His words apply to our faith communities today as well. We are called to love one another with an unconditional love, with a love that endures and is not shaken or diminished with time. We will be hurt, let down and disappointed by others, but through it all there should be love.

• Bart

PS: I am now talking again to the brother from whom I was estranged for 20 years. We are working on forgiveness, understanding and rebuilding a relationship. Love does that too!

This is part 12 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.