Talking to Yourself Can be a Good Thing

Mornings can be difficult. Some days begin with the feeling that the problems of the day are too much, the challenges too difficult, the work to hard. It seems that you just can’t do it all again. How do find the strength to do it all one more time?

The late pastor and Bible teacher D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones gave an eloquent answer to this problem in his book “Spiritual Depression.” He wrote that we need “to not let our selves speak to us but instead we need to speak to ourselves.”

Out of personal brokenness and fallen nature come negative thoughts and emotions that can drag us down. If we listen to these thoughts, we can find ourselves struggling with depression and discouragement.

The solution? Talk back to ourselves! We need to question and challenge these negative emotions with truth. As I have been "blessed" with anxiety disorder there are many mornings when I need to do this. Here are some of the truths that I speak to my self and that help me get through each day-

- God has gotten you through every other day, He will get you through today.

- It's not about what people think, it's about what God thinks and He knows your  heart.

- You do not need to fear failure, God knows your weaknesses and loves you anyway

- God will give you the strength to do what you need to do when you need to do it.

- This life is not all there is, your hope is eternal

-God judges you based not on your failures or successes but by Christ's sacrifice, so there is no need for fear

I say words like these, take a few deep breaths and then tell myself, “Okay, let’s do this.” And somehow, with help of God, I do, one day at a time.

- Bart

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Plenty of Sex but no Purpose

He wanted to be checked for STD’s. Alcohol inspired unprotected intercourse with a complete stranger in a foreign country had resulted in an unpleasant burning sensation with urination. He was educated enough to know that this was a sign of a possible infection and that he needed to be tested. He was educated, but that had not kept him from an extremely risky act. I was curious as to what his decision making process was, wondered what the values were that guided his life and how could have been so foolish.

As we talked I learned that he was like many young men I have seen over the years. He didn’t have a well-developed system of values, hadn’t spent much time thinking about why he did what he did. He lived his life in the moment, doing whatever felt right or good at the time.

This approach to life had brought him to a place where he was not only infected with a sexually transmitted disease, he was also unemployed and unsure of what he wanted to do in life. His life resume included a college degree from a respectable university, a fair number of jobs and a large number of sexual partners but it did not include a sense of purpose or direction. He talked about jobs he thought he might like, industries he might want to work in and the lifestyle to which he aspired, focusing on pleasure and finances. What he did not talk about were the things that truly matter in life such as personal character and lasting relationships.

I asked him if he had ever considered pursuing something different, if instead of focusing on the things he wanted to do perhaps considering the type of person he wanted to be. He hadn't. I asked him if he wanted to be married someday. He said he did, so I said, “Think of the type of woman you would want to marry someday, then think of the type of man that woman would want, then try to be that kind of man!” The thought that a quality woman might not be attracted to him was clearly novel to him!

It was also clear that he had not spent any time considering his character and personal development. He hadn't even considered it. As we talked I realized that he had never been mentored or parented, had never had a relationship with a mature and moral man who had the ability to model a truly successful life. Absent such influence there really was no way that he could be any different than he was. I realized he was the unavoidable end product of modern American culture. He was motivated to consume, to experience and to have. Delayed gratification, sacrificial love and personal growth were alien concepts.

My time with him made me realize the terrible mistake parents make when we emphasize achievement and experience over character and growth. We are so obsessed with our children having successful careers that we forget to train them in successful relationships. We have forgotten to teach them that doing well means doing right. That this is no longer a value is evident by parental response to report cards. Almost no one cares about the citizenship grades anymore. It is all about the “A”.

This is not the way we raised our children and built our home. I was blessed with spiritual heritage that taught me perspective and what matters in life. Lisa and I worked hard to teach our children that what mattered most was not the job you did but the character you had. We made sure our children understood that success is not about the things you own. It is about the people you love and serve.

My son illustrates the chasm between our Christian values and the valueless choices of the young patient. Nate is about the same age as the young man who came to my office and their lives are dramatically different, a difference derived from their upbringing. My son has been married for over 2 years to the only girl he ever dated. He loves her dearly, sacrificially and completely. He is a man of faith and family who is in church every Sunday, who calls his mom several times a week and who carves out time for family on a regular basis. Out of a desire to build a life with and for his wife he has applied himself in his work and studies. He values honesty, justice and relationships. He has a clear sense of the type of man he wants to be and he is working on becoming that man. Values matter to him.

My conversation with the young patient was relatively short but is my hope and prayer that our brief interaction will help him look at life in a different way. It is not too late for him, or for any of us, to change our approach. If he realizes that who we are is more important than what we do he may find the sense of purpose and direction he has been lacking, as well as the sense of fulfillment and happiness he desires.

- Bart

 

He Lost His Sight, But Not His Hope

In a moment his vision was gone. It took with it his business and livelihood, his ability to read and his plans for the future but it could not take away his hope.

Fred has always been  a decent, hard-working, God-loving family man. Everything he had he worked for. He started his own painting business within a few years of graduating high school. He had his priorities in order, saving enough money to buy a home by the time he was 22 years old. He married young and he and his wife welcomed three sons before they were 35. Life was good.

He worked alone, he liked it better that way. He could have made more money if he had hired employees and expanded the business but he decided early on that it was easier and better if he did the work on his own. He loved his work and took pride in making homes look their best. My office was one of the last jobs Fred did before losing his sight. He picked the color scheme and painted it himself. It is gorgeous.

He had been born with one eye significantly weaker than the other, so much so that his vision was monocular. When his dominant eye had the equivalent of a stroke the weak eye was unable to help. In a moment his vision was reduced to colors and shapes. He cannot recognize faces well (until they are within about five feet) so the beauty of his wife’s smile is only appreciated up close.  He cannot drive and cannot paint any longer. The hardworking man is now permanently disabled.

He is disabled but he is not despairing. Fred is a man of deep faith, a man who believes that this life is not all there is, a man who believes that the eternity that awaits matters infinitely more than the temporary struggles, pains and challenges earthly life brings.

Fred’s faith has truly shined through the difficulties of the last few months. He and his family shed many tears and shared intense moments of grief as they adjusted to the new realities they face. There was sadness as he hopefully sought other medical opinions that confirmed the permanent vision loss and as he closed down his business and applied for permanent disability. 

I ran into Fred and his wife recently while out to lunch with the family. He was smiling and upbeat, more concerned with my knee arthritis than he was with his ongoing struggles. When I asked how they were doing smiles came to their faces. They were in the final stages of starting new careers working as chaplains for local hospitals and community groups! Fred expressed hope and confidence that sharing his story would encourage others who were facing difficult circumstances. It is his greatest wish that he would be able to share with others how the hope for eternity brought by his Christian faith could be their hope as well.

As we talked I was encouraged. Our discussion reminded me how important it is to focus on our ultimate destination and not on the detours and difficulties of the journey and how important it is to remind others of this hope. When all is said and done, when we stand and give account to our creator for our lives, it is not our wealth and accolades that will matter. It will be our faith and our faithfulness that will determine our destiny. By these measures Fred is doing well indeed.

- Bart

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After the Oscars, Recognizing the Real Winners

Normal people don't win Academy Awards. Normal people don't get nominated or get to attend the ceremony. Most normal people go through life without recognition or honor. They wake up each day and go about their business, doing what they need to do and have to do, playing their part in the theater of life in the roles they have been assigned. Mothers and fathers, craftsmen and laborers, managers and employees, all are essential and few are recognized. Watching the Oscars caused me to stop for a moment and consider some of those in my life whose performances in the last year have been truly remarkable. Here are some of my award winners for the last year-

Best Doctor in a Starring Role- Ehab Mady, a specialist in Vascular Medicine. Over and over again he has made the difficult diagnosis and gone the extra mile, providing stellar service and amazing care, even when payment wasn’t guaranteed. He is truly a life saver. .

Best Pastor in a Supporting Role- John Coulombe, the hardest working pastor I know. As the primary pastor to the senior adults in a church of thousands he is always in demand, performing funerals and comforting the grieving, organizing events and developing ministries. He speaks several times a month, tirelessly advocates for the church to be truly intergenerational and still finds the time to be a source of encouragement to me. He never seeks the limelight but his light shines.

Best Produce- Mr. W,  Patient who runs his own construction company while battling chronic and severe pain from a severely damaged ankle, prostate cancer and a heart condition. In his extra time he leads a Bible study, and he never complains. Each time I see him he manages to encourage me. 

Best Director- Peter Mackler, the Executive Director for Government Relations for Memorial Care. He puts in long hours and countless miles, traveling to Washington DC and Sacramento advocating on behalf of doctors and patients, most of whom will never know how hard he has worked for them. I have seen in him action and benefited from his counsel.

Best Special Effects- The Parents in my practice with special needs children who juggle work schedules, school conferences, and doctor’s appointments, the spouses holding the family together while their husbands and wives battle serious illness, the countless people who each day put one foot in front of the other and simply get it done. They challenge and inspire me.

As I consider all of these people I am reminded that the true stars in this life are not the ones up on the screen, behind the podium or on a stage. The true stars are more likely to be in the audience or behind the scenes.

- Bart

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4 Lessons on Failure, Courtesy of a Dying Church

What happened? How did I end up in this mess? I had such great plans, how did they all fall apart? Many of us have asked these questions when confronted with failure. Failure is a part of every life, even successful ones. While dealing with failure is never easy, those times we do not succeed are usually opportunities for learning and growth. If we do not learn the lessons then simple failure becomes a tragedy.

Failure in all forms is difficult but dealing with the failure of a church is especially hard. I saw this first hand 7 years ago when I was asked to preach to a church that was in its final days. The church had at one time been a thriving congregation of over a thousand. On the Sunday I was invited to speak the congregation had dwindled to fewer than 100 and had just made the decision to hand all of their property and facilities over to another church in town. It was a sad day. It was my goal that morning to find some positive lessons in the midst of the sadness.

 I turned to a biblical story from the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel, a tale of a time when the nation of Israel faced a disastrous failure. There I found lessons on why people fail that were applicable then and are still applicable today.

In 1 Samuel 4 the story is told that the people of Israel were defeated in battle by their enemies the Philistines. The leaders of Israel came up with a solution to this defeat and prepared to reengage the enemy. They sent someone home to fetch the Ark of the Covenant (a gold plated box that symbolized the presence of God) and bring it to the battlefield. Their logic seemed to be, "God is in the Ark, so if we bring the Ark,we bring God. If we bring God, we will win!"

Their lack of true spirituality revealed when the ark was brought to the battlefield by two priests who should have been removed from office years earlier. They were incredibly dishonest and immoral men, thieves and adulteres who clearly did not honor God or His law. Nevertheless, they were deemed worthy of escorting the ark to the battlefield. Believing that the ark guaranteed God’s blessing and ensured victory, the people let out a mighty cheer when the ark arrived, a cheer so loud that it caused fear in the Philistine ranks. The Israelite joy was short lived. Their plans and thinking were revealed as foolish shortly after the battle started. They were routed by the Philistines, their priests were killed and the ark was stolen. Over 30,000 Israelite soldiers were slaughtered. 

When news of the defeat reached the Israelites back home despair resulted. The father of the priests fell over backwards at the news and broke his neck. His daughter-in-law, wife of one of the priests, was in labor, giving birth to a son when the news came. There were serious complications during the delivery and she knew she was about to die. Overcome with despair at the loss of her husband and Israel's crushing defeat she named her son Ichabod, which means, “The Glory has departed.” She died convinced that the blessings of God were gone, that the nation of Israel was crushed and abandoned. It was a dark time of great failure for the Jewish people.

A close look at the story reveals common causes of failure in communities of faith, lessons for all of us today.

1- The people tried to do it their way. They thought they could do whatever they wanted and expected God to go along with their plans. They had an idea, going to war, and tried to get God to go along with it by bringing the ark. When people and churches fail it is often because they have gone their own way and expected God to follow. Many of my greatest mistakes have come in times when I was supremely confident that I knew what I was doing.

2- The people of Israel had leaders who made bad decisions and used flawed reasoning. Following bad leaders almost always leads to failure. In the Biblical example the leaders were mistaken in their understanding of the workings of God. It was the elders of Israel who had the idea of bringing the ark to the battlefield thinking that it would guarantee victory. So often leaders are wrongly convinced that they know exactly how things will play out. They get overconfident, place too much faith in themselves and everyone fails. We see this in organizations and even Churches today which often undone by leaders who mistakenly think they know how things should work or how God moves. Incompetent leaders don't make good choices!

3- The Israelites refused to deal with bad leadership. The immorality of the priests was widely known but was allowed to continue unchallenged for many years. I have seen this in business and even in small offices. When bad leadership is not addressed, failure results. Too often organizations and faith communities will sweep dysfunction under the carpet instead of dealing with it.

4-  The true cause of their failure eluded them. They did not see that they were at fault and instead blamed God. The dying woman expressed this, saying"The Glory has departed," implying God had abandoned them. Our failures are typically our fault! Blaming others causes us to not learn valuable lessons.

My concluding points  to the sermon I preached years ago still have relevance to people and churches now.

- We need to put less confidence in our own decisions. We need to be willing to question ourselves and seek wise counsel.  For Christians, this means making sure we are following God's plans and not our own.

- We need to be careful who we follow. Organizations (including churches) cannot function if every decision is analyzed and questioned, but they can't survive if there is only blind obedience. When it comes time to choose leaders we need to be diligent and cautious.

- We need to hold our leaders accountable and not ignore their sins and repeated mistakes. Dealing with failed leadership is difficult, but it is essential.

- We need to resist the trap of thinking that failure is the end. The dying woman declared that "the Glory had departed from Israel." As we read through the Old Testament we learn that Israel's greatest days and triumphs still lay ahead of her. It is easy to get caught up in our failure and want to give up. If we do we may miss out on what God has in store. 

Powerful lessons from failures thousands of years ago!

Bart

As indicated by the subtitle of the blog, my musings range from medicine to ministry to the meaning of life. I pray those post has stimulated reflection. If you found it helpful, please share it with your friends. For those new to the blog you can subscribe to future posts by clicking the subscribe button on the page. Posts on Medicine and marriage are coming soon! You can follow me on Twitter @bartbarrettmd. Comments are welcome! For those in Southern California, you are invited to join me this Sunday morning. 10:30 at Valley Baptist Church, 2201 West Alameda in Burbank. I will be speaking on dealing with criticism and tough times.