When Sex is Dirty, We Lose

The world has changed. Things that were once completely unacceptable have become commonplace. Behavior once universally deemed shameful is now openly displayed. I have known this to be true for a while but there are still times when the magnitude of acceptable depravity catches me off guard.

I typically screen movies for content before buying a ticket as there are certain things I choose not to see. I subscribe to a website that describes potentially offensive content and use the descriptions as a guide, with a particular goal of avoiding sexual content. (It is my personal belief that in so doing I honor my wife.)

We recently saw a movie that contained sexual content for which I was not prepared. Their was a scene at the end of the movie that I missed in my pre-movie review. In the scene a young woman promises to allow herself to be used in a vulgar fashion by the protagonist. The act in question was repulsive to me and my wife and, prior to the movie, I thought it was repulsive to others as well.

The scene shattered my illusion. As we walked out of the movie disgusted we both expressed amazement that the act in question was not only portrayed as possible, but desirable. We realized that the film makers must have believed that the audience would agree with their portrayal. How could this be?

I think what we saw was the natural cultural outcome of a lack of moral clarity. Right and wrong are no longer clearly and consistently defined in our culture. In fact, the opposite is now true. We live in a world that values pushing the envelope, that believes moral restraint is something to be rejected instead of embraced. What we observed is the natural consequence of the abandonment of moral standards. If there is no good to be pursued there is no evil to be avoided and the perverse becomes normal.

What is most tragic is what people miss when they reduce sexuality to nothing more than a service one person performs to or for someone else. Love is missed. Intimacy is lost. Marriage loses meaning and loses relevance and stability. 

We went home that night glad that we are different. For thirty-three years we have pursued love, grace, and honor in our relationship with each other. We view intimacy as a sacred gift given to us by our Creator and we have nurtured and protected that gift. The result is a bond that is beautiful and unbreakable, a bond that will endure. A bond that too many others seem to have lost.

- Bart

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Growing in Love after 77 Years

They have been married for 77 years. Les is 97 and Betty is 93. Age has affected them physically, mobility is difficult and they require assistance in caring for themselves and moving around. Even with their motorized scooters getting to the dining room at the assisted living facility has become difficult, so staff brings their meals to them in their small apartment. There seems to always be a styrofoam container of the previous meal present when I come to visit.

Routine is important to people in their nineties and they are no exception. They sit in their same recliners for most of every day, watch the same TV shows (It is ALWAYS on Fox News), and he tells the same jokes over and over again.

There is something else about them that never changes. They love each other. Even more, they like each other. They enjoy one another’s company. A few months ago he was hospitalized twice in a matter of days with pneumonia. There was a concern that he was losing the ability to protect his airway and might not be well enough to remain in their assisted living facility. He was told he needed to go to a nursing home so he could be kept out of the hospital. I told him he could stay in assisted living with his wife if but that if he got sick again he would need to go on hospice or be transferred to a nursing home. Since a nursing home would mean separation from his wife the decision was a simple one for him. He would rather live a few months or less with his wife than live a few years more without her. “I want to stay with Betty,” was his firm answer.

Their story stands in stark contrast to many of the stories I hear in my office. Unhappy marriages are so common they appear to be the norm. Patients who speak fondly of their spouses, who talk about marriage as if it is a gift, stand out as exceptions. When patients hear me talk about being happily married for over 32 years they are often surprised. Long, happy marriages are not something they often see.

I often wonder why this is. 

As with so many things in life I think success in marriage is a matter of choice. Successful marriages occur when a man and woman make a conscious decision to build a quality marriage. Happy couples understand the costs associated with this commitment. Sacrifice and self denial are required daily. Faults need to be overlooked or graciously accepted and effort needs to be made to intentionally focus on the good things in a spouse’s character and personality. Over time, things that once required effort become second nature, and love grows. When we focus on the good in our spouse they grow in value and we enjoy them more. 

Lisa and I are 44 years behind the example set by Les and Betty Miller, my grandparents, but we are on our way. We have experienced firsthand the joy that marriage to your best friend brings, the work required to keep a marriage strong and the contentment that comes from not wanting to be with anyone else. Life with your one love is a very wonderful thing.

- Bart

If you are in a marriage that is unhappy, get help. Your marriage is worth fighting for. If you are in a marriage that is “just okay” get help. Fight to improve it. You will never regret making your relationship with your spouse your top earthly priority! Remember you can subscribe to the blog by clicking the button on the page or follow me on twitter @bartbarrettmd.

A Good Man Dies. Or Does He?

Allan Meyer died last week. Although he was in his 80’s it was unexpected. He was a friend to my wife and her family for over fifty years as well as a consistent source of encouragement to me. He was a natural encourager. He seemed to seek us out every Sunday, as if had a special radar he used to seek us out so he could greet us with a smile, a kind word and a silly joke. He was a lover of people who frequently visited friends and church members who were hospitalized. He was a good man. Today is his memorial service. I expect it to be a long one. There is a lot to say about Allan and a lot of people who will want to say it. 

It seems that this is how it works, that the true value of a life comes into clearer focus when it ends. Death is the time when our true worth and accomplishments are understood. Death is the great commonality, an event shared by all regardless of culture, ethnicity, social status or religious faith. It can be delayed but it can never be avoided. Everyone dies. When they do, people reflect on who they were and what they did.

Death also brings with it a question. What comes next? The answer to this question defines all human existence and brings the standard by which all lives are measured. Answers vary, yet all of the possible answers have profound ramifications for how people think and live.

The secular answer to the question of what comes next is simple. Nothing comes next. The  final heartbeat and last breath represent the moment when the person completely and totally ceases to be. Nothing remains of their personality, their emotions, feelings or memories. They are just gone. Death is the absolute end.

People of faith answer the death question differently. For them life follows life. The body ceases to function but the essence of the person, the personality and thoughts, the soul and spirit, continue on. 

Believing that something comes next changes everything. If there is a next life, particularly if it is an enduring life, then earthly actions must be measured not solely on their immediate impact but according to their impact on the life to come. Earthly wealth and accomplishments decrease in importance. Faith assumes the preeminent position and character qualities such as love and faithfulness and a person’s relationship with the Divine outweigh those things which can be seen by the eye. 

While worldly achievements are in large measure dependent on when, where and to whom a person is born  the things that matter for eternity are available to all. Faith, hope and love are gifts that can be received and given by the poorest of the poor.

A person’s true answer to the what “what next” question can be determined from a distance. Those who pursue pleasure and happiness with vigor, who work hard build a name or legacy for themselves, and strive for earthly success are living as if this life is all there is, as if they embrace the secular view. Further evidence of a temporal mindset is seen in rejection of moral absolutes. 

People who hold onto earthly goods more loosely, who are more willing to forego wealth and security in this life and more willing to give their lives for a cause are living as if there is an eternity.

What we believe about death defines our entire existence.

• From what I observed, Allan was a man who believed in eternity. It is why he lived as he did and loved as he did. I look forward to seeing him again.

- Bart

Prayers for Allan's family will be appreciated. He is at peace, it is those who remain who are suffering. 

A Lesson I Learned in Prison

"You're a doctor?” The prisoner’s smile was large and his laughter was deep. “You ain’t no doctor!” He had met doctors before and in his judgment my personality and demeanor were totally inconsistent with the medical profession. He didn't know  me well as our interactions were limited to softball games twice a month. I was part of a church team that had been playing games against the prison team for several years so we didn't see each other often.

Our teams were polar opposites. The prison players were large and muscular men, most of whom were of Hispanic or Black descent, almost all of who were significantly tattooed. We were on the pale, scrawny and inkless end of the athletic spectrum. We had very little in common in our daily lives but found common ground on the softball field.

I was the youngest player on the team. When we first started going to the prison I was just 22 years-old. I was not comfortable back then with starting deep conversations with older men I hardly knew so I related to the prison players the only way I could. Like any self-respecting athlete, I starting talking trash. I soon realized I had unwittingly opened a door to better conversation. My joking insults showed that I viewed them as people, not as targets for conversion. Laughter became a bridge.

For the following 7 years of play I continued to joke and have fun with the inmates. I didn’t talk much about myself so they were not aware that I was attending medical school. The last game I played was the Saturday after I graduated, just before I moved away to start my residency training. Realizing I would never see these men again I intentionally said my good-byes to the prison players between innings. Many shared the one inmate's assessment, I was not like any doctor they had known. To them I was too young and too much of a jokester.

Looking back I see the inmates' amazement as a compliment. The response was not due to a perceived lack of  intelligence or ability, it was because they knew me to be genuine, fun-loving and approachable. As I consider it, I think their perception is something to strive for. It was and is a good thing to be viewed by others first  for who we are and how we treat others, not by our education and profession. A valuable lesson I learned in prison!

 - Bart

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Broken Thinking, Broken Life

Adulterous affairs on business trips. Relapses into addiction after years of sobriety. Violent explosions of temper. I have seen so many seemingly good people inexplicably find themselves in situations they swore they would never be in. In each circumstance the question was the same, “What happened?” The answer was, and is, never a single thing. Tragic outcomes are typically the result of a string of bad decisions.

I think of the married patient who came to be fearful he had contracted an STD from a sexual encounter with a stranger he met in a hotel bar while on a business trip. “I made a bad decision,” was his initial explanation.

“You made a lot of bad decisions,” was my reply, “You had to run through a lot of stop signs on the road before you crashed.” I reviewed with him the bad choices. He chose to go to the bar, to make eye contact with the woman and to buy her a drink and engage in conversation. No one forced him to complement her appearance or to go to her hotel room. He could have, and should have, said “No,” so many times. Just one “No,” may have been the difference between marriage and divorce.

As we talked I thought about how his fall did not begin with wrong action but with wrong thinking. Each bad decision was preceded by a bad thought. Thoughts such as “What is wrong with buying a drink?” or “It is just harmless conversation” were the first signs of danger. I wondered if the first wrong thoughts were negative ones about his wife. Were there unchecked feelings of resentment or dissatisfaction with her appearance that led to his wandering eye? Had he quit thinking of her as a gift from God? Had she become "just another woman" in his mind?

As I look back on my life I can see that every foolish or destructive act I have made was preceded by erroneous thinking. This seems to be the fate of all mankind. We are all plagued with self-deception. The process is described in the New Testament-

“Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:14-15 NLT

James description of the process points us to the solution. When we allow our wrong desires to take hold, when we allow them to simmer unchecked, wrong action is the natural consequence. It is hard to stop the locomotive once it reaches full speed. We need to challenge our thinking and reject the thoughts that lead us astray the moment they enter our minds, to make sure the train never leaves the station!

I know from experience that challenging negative thoughts is worth the effort. Intentionally rejecting negative thoughts about my wife has allowed a deep love and appreciation to grow and flourish, a love and appreciation that causes all other women to pale in comparison. Progress has been slower when it comes to anger, but I have seen that the more I intentionally reject demeaning or degrading thoughts about others and the more I consider them to be children of God the kinder and more patient I become. It seems that when I fight the battle at the level of thought that bad behavior is far less likely.

Which leads to the question- What is going on in your head?

-          Bart

You can listen to more on this topic on the sermons page. I expound on the topic in Part 1 of the series, “A Disease Called Sin.” If you would like me to come and speak to your church event or function, I can be reached on the Contact page. I can also be followed on twitter @bartbarrettmd, or on Facebook at Bart Barrett, MD.