Being Popular Can be Bad for You

I was not popular in high school. I was well known (identical twins usually are, twice the exposure at half the price) but I was not popular. I lost more elections than Mitt Romney including for sophomore class president, Student Body leadership and the ultimate defeat, president of the Chess Club. I was a dweeb.

It is one thing to pursue popularity as an adolescent, it is another thing altogether to pursue it as an adult. It seems that for some adults the need to be popular increases with age. If there is anything reality TV teaches us is that people will go to ridiculous lengths to be a celebrity. Ordinary life just isn’t good enough. Everybody wants to be a star and nobody wants to admit that achieving stardom is not dependent on how badly one wants it.

It seems fame is incredibly addictive, as even in small amounts it leads to people wasting their lives trying to gain it again. Almost every high school reunion includes once popular people incapable of dealing with the reality that no one cares anymore. There are a number of reality shows such as “The Apprentice” and “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here” that provide fading stars with one last chance to shine and there seems to be no shortage of formerly famous people willing to participate.

Watching these shows leads me to ponder how much these people have lost in their pursuit of fame. Multiple marriages and rehab stints seem to be a common theme. True happiness, contentment and meaningful relationships are rare. It seems that the price of fame is tragically high.

I flirted with fame a few months ago. My blog post on measles spread around the world. It reached over 5 million readers and was published in a Norwegian newspaper. Over 3000 people subscribed to the blog and comments flooded my inbox. It was pretty heady stuff. It didn’t last. My follow up post reached 30,000 views and subsequent posts were seen by fewer and fewer people. I found myself wondering what I could write about that would catch fire, what it was that people wanted to read, how I could reach that summit again.

Then I gave up. I realized that if I focused on what people wanted to hear I would lose something in the process. There is much about which I am passionate that is not popular. My Christian worldview is not universally embraced and is even offensive to some. Popularity might require that I constrain myself and not share my heart. I realized that success wasn’t worth it. I returned to writing what was on my heart. The number of subscribers has dwindled but I am okay with that. I have learned the lesson of high school, that being popular isn't what it is cracked up to be.

What leads to popularity and success in high school does not often translate to success in the next life. While I was easily discounted back in the day the life I have today is truly remarkable. I have a successful marriage, wonderful children, a strong faith and a rewarding career. My life after high school is so blessed as to make any of the lost recognition irrelevant.

I think this is true in the eternal sense as well. Success and praise in this life is often not compatible with success in the next one. People who pursue fame and adulation here on earth may be sacrificing what matters in the next. The ultimate winners are those who grasp this truth and live with eternity in mind. The adulation of millions means nothing compared to the joy that awaits those who have gained the favor of God.

-          Bart

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One Man's Nightmare, Another Man's dream

He was worried. He had been a well paid executive manager for years and had climbed the corporate ladder to a salary of $300,000 a year. His outlook had been positive and his future secure. Then the market crash came. Now he was out of a job and watching his savings rapidly disappear. He was stressed and worried and his blood pressure was way too high.

We talked about life, financial security and what the future might hold. He was in the midst of a job search but had no solid leads. He expressed concern that he might lose his home if he did not find a suitable job but then talked about his faith and how he was trusting God to help him through the difficult times.

“But what if He doesn’t?” I asked. He was surprised by my question. I explained that while I often hear people talk about trusting God for material blessing and support through difficult times I wasn’t sure that He had promised the level of support people hoped for. Here in America when we think about our "needs" we think of keeping our houses and having a good paying job. In poorer parts of the world people pray for the true necessities of life such as a meal and safety. I shared that what we would consider terrible would be anything but for most people on the planet.

“What is the worst thing that could happen to you?" I asked, "Losing your house and winding up living in a one bedroom apartment in Santa Ana flipping burgers for a living? There are people dodging Border Patrol agents and coyotes for an opportunity like that!” I shared that a one bedroom apartment in Santa Ana would be an answer to prayer for many people in the world.

He paused for a moment, “You’re right,” was his simple reply. As we talked I reminded him that none of the difficulties he currently faced threatened any of the things that mattered most in his life such as his faith or his relationships with his family.

I think about our conversation often, usually when I hear someone's prayer request. It causes me to reflect on what really matters in my life and reminds me not to cling too tightly to my “stuff.” I remember that Lisa and I aren’t really any happier now than we were when we were living in an apartment and barely making ends meet. Back then we found joy in trips to the laundry and cooking meals together. We lived paycheck to paycheck and scrounged up loose change for trips to McDonalds, but we were happy. Even now we realize that our best times are our best times because of who we are with and not because of what we have. True joy comes from our family and not our possessions.

I am also reminded of the danger of putting too much emphasis on what happens in this life. When all is said and done and I am called to give account for my life my financial achievements will not matter at all but the love I gave and the sacrifices I made for others will. Like all men I well be measure by the content of my heart and not the contents of my bank account.

-          Bart

A Jerk Like Me

The email seemed downright mean, albeit efficient. In just two paragraphs the patient managed to criticize my attitude, my responses, my office staff, my computer system, my scheduling system, my treatment of patients and my overall business acumen. Although I was taken aback at the meanness of the message it was the basis for the outburst that most caught me off guard. The email was written in response to a brief message I had sent. My message was, “You are overdue for a visit, please schedule a visit so we can process your refill request.”

I had typed my message quickly in response to an email query from the patient asking me to clarify a previous message. His message seemed straight forward and to need only a brief reply. I was obviously mistaken.

My initial response to the email was defensive. I had done nothing wrong to my knowledge and if there had been an error it was clearly unintentional. The patient had no reason or right to be demeaning. As I thought about what to reply a thought came to my mind. “If your motives are pure, why worry about defending yourself? Why not ask the patient what you can do for him?”

I called the number in the chart and followed up with a brief email saying any failure to communicate on my part was unintentional. To make sure he knew I was sincere I included my personal cell in each communication. We finally connected after a few email and phone tags and he shared with me why he was unhappy. He had struggled with our online system  and he wanted me to know how bad it was. There were a number of system failures and it took a while for him to share them all.

As we talked to things became clear. First, he had indeed struggled with our online system. It is glitchy at times and he had definitely been glitched. Secondly, he was someone who desired excellent service. Excellence was his goal in his business and he expects the same from others. What's wrong with that?

Sometimes excellence is not possible. His struggles were the type of understandable and inevitable communication difficulties associated with email and computers in general, the frustration that comes when we quickly type out questions and answers. Because the communication was about something personal, and because it took of too much of his time it was easy to see each mistake as a personal affront, as an insult to his time and person. In his frustration and impatience he reminded me of… me.

For years I demanded excellence from every vendor, service provider and business with whom I interacted. If I was paying for a service I expected the very best. It took me years to realize that perfection is impossible and that excellence is an elusive goal. I thought I was a professional pursuing excellence. Everybody else saw me as a jerk.

On the majority of occasions I complained about unmet expectations I did so ignorant of how hard the other party had worked to meet my needs. I did not take the time to understand what they were up against, what the standards were in the industry or how much time my demands required. I fear that on many occasions I reacted negatively when someone had done all he or she reasonably could have done to respond to my requests. It never dawned on me that I wasn't paying for perfection, that if I wanted perfect performance from the person handling my medical billing or processing a referral it would cost me a lot more than $20 an hour! How unreasonable I must have seemed to others.

I still struggle with adjusting my expectations. Balancing a desire for excellence and a commitment to grace requires constant effort. I have learned that the effort is absolutely worthwhile. As I grow more patient and understanding my stress levels drop and I still manage to meet the goals I set for my practice. I am also considered to be less of a jerk.

I pray that my patient will learn the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. It is much better to be considered kind and gracious than it is to be viewed as excellent and demanding!

-          Bart

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When Sex is Dirty, We Lose

The world has changed. Things that were once completely unacceptable have become commonplace. Behavior once universally deemed shameful is now openly displayed. I have known this to be true for a while but there are still times when the magnitude of acceptable depravity catches me off guard.

I typically screen movies for content before buying a ticket as there are certain things I choose not to see. I subscribe to a website that describes potentially offensive content and use the descriptions as a guide, with a particular goal of avoiding sexual content. (It is my personal belief that in so doing I honor my wife.)

We recently saw a movie that contained sexual content for which I was not prepared. Their was a scene at the end of the movie that I missed in my pre-movie review. In the scene a young woman promises to allow herself to be used in a vulgar fashion by the protagonist. The act in question was repulsive to me and my wife and, prior to the movie, I thought it was repulsive to others as well.

The scene shattered my illusion. As we walked out of the movie disgusted we both expressed amazement that the act in question was not only portrayed as possible, but desirable. We realized that the film makers must have believed that the audience would agree with their portrayal. How could this be?

I think what we saw was the natural cultural outcome of a lack of moral clarity. Right and wrong are no longer clearly and consistently defined in our culture. In fact, the opposite is now true. We live in a world that values pushing the envelope, that believes moral restraint is something to be rejected instead of embraced. What we observed is the natural consequence of the abandonment of moral standards. If there is no good to be pursued there is no evil to be avoided and the perverse becomes normal.

What is most tragic is what people miss when they reduce sexuality to nothing more than a service one person performs to or for someone else. Love is missed. Intimacy is lost. Marriage loses meaning and loses relevance and stability. 

We went home that night glad that we are different. For thirty-three years we have pursued love, grace, and honor in our relationship with each other. We view intimacy as a sacred gift given to us by our Creator and we have nurtured and protected that gift. The result is a bond that is beautiful and unbreakable, a bond that will endure. A bond that too many others seem to have lost.

- Bart

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Growing in Love after 77 Years

They have been married for 77 years. Les is 97 and Betty is 93. Age has affected them physically, mobility is difficult and they require assistance in caring for themselves and moving around. Even with their motorized scooters getting to the dining room at the assisted living facility has become difficult, so staff brings their meals to them in their small apartment. There seems to always be a styrofoam container of the previous meal present when I come to visit.

Routine is important to people in their nineties and they are no exception. They sit in their same recliners for most of every day, watch the same TV shows (It is ALWAYS on Fox News), and he tells the same jokes over and over again.

There is something else about them that never changes. They love each other. Even more, they like each other. They enjoy one another’s company. A few months ago he was hospitalized twice in a matter of days with pneumonia. There was a concern that he was losing the ability to protect his airway and might not be well enough to remain in their assisted living facility. He was told he needed to go to a nursing home so he could be kept out of the hospital. I told him he could stay in assisted living with his wife if but that if he got sick again he would need to go on hospice or be transferred to a nursing home. Since a nursing home would mean separation from his wife the decision was a simple one for him. He would rather live a few months or less with his wife than live a few years more without her. “I want to stay with Betty,” was his firm answer.

Their story stands in stark contrast to many of the stories I hear in my office. Unhappy marriages are so common they appear to be the norm. Patients who speak fondly of their spouses, who talk about marriage as if it is a gift, stand out as exceptions. When patients hear me talk about being happily married for over 32 years they are often surprised. Long, happy marriages are not something they often see.

I often wonder why this is. 

As with so many things in life I think success in marriage is a matter of choice. Successful marriages occur when a man and woman make a conscious decision to build a quality marriage. Happy couples understand the costs associated with this commitment. Sacrifice and self denial are required daily. Faults need to be overlooked or graciously accepted and effort needs to be made to intentionally focus on the good things in a spouse’s character and personality. Over time, things that once required effort become second nature, and love grows. When we focus on the good in our spouse they grow in value and we enjoy them more. 

Lisa and I are 44 years behind the example set by Les and Betty Miller, my grandparents, but we are on our way. We have experienced firsthand the joy that marriage to your best friend brings, the work required to keep a marriage strong and the contentment that comes from not wanting to be with anyone else. Life with your one love is a very wonderful thing.

- Bart

If you are in a marriage that is unhappy, get help. Your marriage is worth fighting for. If you are in a marriage that is “just okay” get help. Fight to improve it. You will never regret making your relationship with your spouse your top earthly priority! Remember you can subscribe to the blog by clicking the button on the page or follow me on twitter @bartbarrettmd.