Bill Cosby, Ben Affleck and Others Who Were Not What They Seemed to Be

People we considered our heroes are turning out to be anything but. How could we be fooled so badly?

Bill Cosby was America’s Dad. Not only did he play a loving, intelligent and supportive father on his television sitcom, he was a tireless advocate for education and personal responsibility. I was one of the millions who looked up to him and considered him a role model. Little did I know that he was a sexual deviant who preyed on women. Any claim he may have had to innocence evaporated these last few weeks when the transcript of a 2005 deposition was released in which he admitted under oath giving a woman a powerful sleeping pill in order to have sex with her. America’s Dad was in reality America’s Pervert.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were America’s Couple. Talented, beautiful and seemingly in love, they built a family together in the public eye. In the midst of the dysfunction of Hollywood they put on a façade of normalcy. There recent divorce announcement revealed the truth about their marriage. It was in reality dysfunctional and unhealthy. Careers came before kids, and the extended absences common with the acting profession contributed to the end of their marriage.

Leland Yee was an American success story. Born in China, he came to America at the age of 3. He graduated from UC Berkeley, one of the top schools in the nation, then went on to obtain a doctorate in Child Psychology. He worked as a child therapist for years before entering politics in 1988. He was a member of the school board in San Francisco, a county supervisor, and a member of the State Assembly in California before winning a seat in the California State Senate in 2006. He gained a reputation as a staunch advocate for gun safety and sponsored numerous bills restricting access to guns in California. In 2012 he announced his candidacy for the office of California Secretary of State. Mr. Lee was respected member of the Asian community and honored by gun control groups. He was also a crook and a gun runner. He pleaded guilty to federal racketeering charges July 1, 2015.

The list of similarly admired people who are not at all admirable is seemingly endless. Sports heroes, celebrities and even pastors are placed on pedestals for public adoration only to later be found completely unworthy of respect. I am left wondering how it is that we idolize losers with such regularity.

I have come to the conclusion that it is human nature to want heroes. We want to have someone to look up to, someone who can help us believe that amazing things are possible. What we do not want to recognize is the truth that all people are all messed up, that no person is perfect, near perfect or even good at heart.

We choose distant people as heroes, people we do not know well, because we can overlook or deny their imperfections. When we know someone well we tend to know their faults and failures and all of the ways in which they are not heroic at all. We tend to focus on their imperfections and cast them aside as potential role models.

In my life I am learning to look up to a different kind of person. I am learning to admire those who work hard at being the best they can be outside of the public eye, people who are far from perfect, who know their flaws and do not hide them but instead work to overcome them every day. I believe it is these people, who labor in the shadows and whose accomplishments are overlooked by others, who are the greatest role models in our world.

When the day comes that we all stand before God and give account for our actions it will not be the Afflecks, Garners, Cosby’s and Lee’s who are recognized. The greatest honor will not be reserved for the Obamas, Bushes, Clintons or Romneys of the world, the movers and shakers and the most powerful. It will be for those individuals who honored God in their daily lives, who faithfully loved and served God outside of the eyes of the world.

May we all seek to be and to honor these kind of heroes.

Bart

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A Selfish Leader Divides a Nation

A man in his 40’s with little leadership experience assumes the highest position in the land. The man who came before him had made a number of bad decisions that had damaged the nation. Once unified and strong as a people, feared and respected by other countries, the people were now disheartened and on the verge of becoming divided. The young leader faced immense challenges. How would he respond?

Immediately after being announced as the next leader he was faced with a challenge from the people. Would he continue the policies of his predecessor or would he take a softer approach? The fate of the nation depended on his response. He turned first for an answer to wise and experienced men, men who understood the workings of the system and had political experience. When they did not give him the counsel he wanted, he instead turned to his long term advisers, men about his age who had climbed the ladder with him and who understood his desires and goals. It was the advice of the young counselors he decided to follow.

And the nation split.

The man was Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, the grandson of David, King of Israel. The story is over 3000 years old but it has not lost any of its relevance. When new leaders come into power their initial actions and responses can dramatically impact the future of the people they desire to lead. One mistake can lead to disaster.

In the case of Rehoboam, his father had been harsh and domineering. The people felt abused and uncared for. On the day he was to be made king they asked him a simple question and made a straight-forward promise. “Will you lessen the burden of your father? If you do, we will serve you.”

The counsel of the experienced men was that Rehoboam listen to the people and respond in kindness. These elders told the young king-to-be that if he handled the situation with grace and gentleness, if he assumed the role of a servant king, the people would serve him forever. Sadly, gentleness and grace did not align with Rehoboam’s ideas of kingship. He wanted power and authority.

Looking for validation of his ideas, he went to the friends he had grown up with. These young men, who had no concept of the responsibilities of leadership, shared Rehoboam’s desire for power and the belief that power and strength were the foundation of authority. Their counsel was that Rehoboam declare that he was going to be bigger, stronger and harsher than his father had been. Rehoboam listened to his friends.

When the people heard Rehoboam’s harsh response they rebelled. The kingdom was split and the nation was divided, beginning a downward spiral that ended with the divided nation being conquered and its people living in exile.

In this story are valuable lessons for leaders of today. Lessons that cannot be ignored by those who wish to succeed in leadership. If one is to lead, these principles are essential-

-          Good leaders listen to the people they lead. Predetermined plans carried out by edict will lead to division.

-          Good leaders seek and follow wise counsel. Yes-men are dangerous. Successful leaders look to experienced people who will speak truth, even when it is difficult.

-          Good leaders serve. Leaders are responsible to, and for, the people under their care. Self-serving leaders will inevitably fail.

-          Selfish leaders divide their people. A house divided against itself cannot stand, and divisiveness destroys a church or organization. Unity will require sacrifice.

If you are in a position of leadership and people are not following you as you wish they would, take the time to review the lessons of Rehoboam. The future of your people, your church or your business may depend on it.

-          bart

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A Terrible Lie, A Broken Heart.

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Tears streamed down her face and her body shook as she sobbed, “I don’t know why I am still here!” I have heard these words come from the mouths of old patients who had become too frail to live independently and who felt that they were no longer had anything of value to offer their families and loved ones. I was surprised to hear them come from a mother who was barely 30. She had so many years ahead of her, so much love to give and so many people to give it to. I wondered what could have led to such despair.

It was remarkable that she was in my office at all. Less than two years earlier she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, a diagnosis that typically comes with a grave prognosis. The fact that she was still alive and better yet, free from any signs of disease should have been cause for celebration. For her it was a source of guilt. She felt she had been given a wonderful gift and had done little to earn, deserve or honor the gift she had received. As a result she was overcome with guilt and shame and was battling a severe depression.

“I keep thinking there must be something important that God wants me to do, some reason that He allowed me to live, but I just can’t figure out what it is,” she said. More tears flowed. I rose from my chair and gave her a hug. She was in so much pain. What could I say?

As I sat and pondered her circumstances I realized that she had fallen prey to a terrible lie that has invaded our culture, a lie that is particularly common in people of faith. She had been deceived into a false definition of significance, a definition that had blinded her to her value and to the purposes of God. She believed that lives of significance are measured by remarkable accomplishments and world-changing deeds that are easily visible and readily recognized by others. God had given her the gift of life and she was wasting it. I took a breath and addressed the lie.

I told her that God’s greatest works are not done through big events and huge miraculous achievements. The greatest works of God are the result of small acts of faithfulness repeated over and over again in ordinary life. I reminded her that every time she loved her child, prayed for her child and encouraged her child was a time that she was accomplishing something wonderful in the eyes of God. I told her that if she raised her son to be a good man who loved others that she would be doing something unique and amazing, and that in looking for something dramatic and profound she was most likely overlooking the great things that God was already doing in her life.

I wish that her story was rare but it isn’t. We live in a culture where everyone wants to be the next American Idol, Master Chef or Republican presidential nominee. We forget that it is not possible for everyone to be the best, for everyone to be rich, successful or famous. We forget that God is not impressed with earthly accolades or recognition. What matters to God are the things that cannot be seen. God sees our hearts and measures us according to their content. Faithfulness is more important than success.

Michael Horton, in his book Ordinary, addresses this aspect of our culture, describing the current generation he writes,

They say, “I want to make something of myself, to leave my mark”- or more altruistically, “to make a difference” in the world. But when we make these desires the object of our life-quest they become idols. Like all idols, they overpromise and underdeliver… We do not find success by trying to be successful or happiness by trying to be happy. Rather, we find these things by attending to the skills, habits and - to be honest – the often dull routines that make us even modestly successful at anything. If you are always looking for an impact, a legacy and success, you will not take the time to care for the things that matter.

My prayer for my patient, and for myself, is that we will live in the awareness of the truth that the most important things we do usually go unnoticed by the world. This does not mean that God is not working. The world may not pay attention when a mother hugs her child or wipes away a tear, or stand and applaud when a father kneels and prays for his family or turns down a promotion so he can spend more time at home, but the God who sees everything does.

God Himself said it best in His admonition to the prophet Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

-          Bart

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Facing Death at Forty

She is in her early forties. She is thin and appears fit and healthy. She isn’t. She can’t walk much more than 100 feet before crippling chest pain sets in. She can’t work and she can't exercise. She recently tried to walk to the corner store on her own but passed out on the way. Her cardiologist has told her she is never to walk alone again. It is too dangerous.

She has lived this way for a few years now, cursed with coronary arteries that spasm for no reason, constricting so severely that she has the crushing pain of angina, the sensation that she is having a heart attack. She lives in constant fear that her heart might stop at any time, that one day a heart attack will actually happen.

There are many medications for coronary spasm but she has not been able to tolerate any of them. They all work by dilating blood vessels which means they lower blood pressure. Her blood pressure is low without medications and even the lowest dose of the standard medications results in dangerously low blood pressure. She has seen multiple cardiologists who have discussed her case with multiple other cardiologists but no solution has been found. She continues to suffer. 

I did some online research on coronary spasm and came across an article on the subject written by a cardiologist an hour north of us. I reached out via email and asked the doctor if she would be willing to see my patient in consultation. My patient scheduled a visit as soon as she could. She came to see me a few days before the consult to go over her records. As I reviewed her history I was once again moved by the challenges she faces.

We talked about how hard it was and she shared with me how important her faith is in helping her get through each day, that she reminds herself continually to trust in God. We talked about the reality that God does not heal everyone and that we may not find an answer or a cure. He does not always grant our requests.

With this in mind I reminded her of one of the central truths of our faith- this life is not all there is. Eternity awaits. We tend to focus on our present circumstances but it is our eternal destiny that matters and how our eternity is not dependent on our current condition. We talked about how God’s eternal plan for her has not been altered by any of her current sufferings. His promises are based on His goodness, not our condition. She told me that she clings to this truth everyday.

We closed the visit with a prayer and she went on her way. As she left I reflected on her faith and example. I was reminded of one of the purposes of Christian suffering as described in 1 Peter 1- “These trials will show that your faith is genuine.” Her steadfastness through tough times has shown her faith to be real. I pray that when illness and suffering come to my life I will be equally strong.

- Bart

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A Big Mistake in a Doctor's Office

My office was blowing it. I didn’t know it until just this week, but we had a serious customer service problem. Patients were having their phone messages and questions ignored. They called the office with a question, need or request, and the person taking the call was not consistently entering the message into the chart or writing it down. I missed the early warning signs (a few patients told me personally they had left a message that was not returned but I thought it was a voice mail issue) so by the time the problem was discovered it had been going on for a while. As it was only a few times a day and not all patients complained it took weeks before there were enough cases for me to recognize the issue. By that time we became aware of at least 15 patients who had been slighted or ignored, there may have been more. Something needed to be done.

Dealing with the employee in question was straightforward. When someone fails in one of their position's foundational tasks on a repeated basis (apparently after being counseled by other employees) a change is in order. After dealing with the disciplinary issue I faced a bigger challenge. How could I fix the problem? I worried that the cases I had discovered were just the tip of the iceberg. What if there were dozens of overlooked patients? Customer service is key to my reputation and I pondered what I could do to rebuild lost trust.

I decided to reach out to patients and address the problem. I sent a mass message to all of the patients on our email list, over 2500. I described the issue, told them that I had just been made aware of the problem and that if they had left a message and not received a response to let me know. I shared our policy that all calls should be returned same day and all emails within 24 hours, and I asked that they notify me if we fail to meet that standard in the future. Within a few hours the replies started pouring in. There were a few who were letting me know of a failure to receive a response but the vast majority said something unexpected. The majority of the messages said, “Thank You!”

It seemed that my openness and honesty about the problem and quick action to address it had made an impression on my patients. One patient who is a business consultant wrote, “Way to own it.” Another hotel manager praised our “great customer service.” All of them appreciated our efforts to make things right. To date I have not received a single negative response.

The gracious responses received remind me of the importance of honesty in everyday relationships. Nobody is perfect and everybody knows it, so mistakes are to be expected. It is how we respond to our mistakes that defines our character. There is a tendency to cover up and hide and explain things away but that path does not lead to success in the long term. The gracious responses of my patients remind me that honesty is truly the best policy.

-          Bart