Parenting by iPad

I see it more and more in the office. Little children with an iPad or an iPhone in their hands. Some are too young to speak in full sentences yet they can clearly communicate their desire to watch a movie or play a game. Mom and dad rapidly comply with their wishes as it accomplishes their primary objective, a quiet child. While I can understand the desire to be able to interact with another adult without being continually distracted by your child I fear that there are unintended consequences ahead for these parents and children.

My concerns are increased by how often I see  this parenting behavior outside my office. It can be seen almost anywhere we see parents and their children. Children riding in the child seats in shopping carts, at tables in restaurants, in church pews and even at family gatherings can be seen sitting alone staring at a miniature video screen. The children appear to be happy, content and quiet, yet I wonder. When did quiet children become the ultimate parenting goal?

While the unending questions of a toddler can be wearisome, they are an essential part of intellectual and social development. Through them the child learns not only how to speak and communicate but also how the world works. These repetitive conversations help forge a relationship of trust and respect with parents. Parents learn the personality and interests of their children and strengthen the bond they share. Children learn from what goes on around them. They learn appropriate social interaction from watching adults interact. They also learn patience and self control. None of this happens when the child sits in a corner with an iPad.

While a child's quietness may make a parent's life easier for the moment, this is not a healthy goal. Good parenting has never been easy. I fear that the current generation of parents has either never learned or has already forgotten that we do not have children for ourselves. Children are not toys or playmates to be called upon when entertainment is desired. They are a gift from God, made in His image, given to parents to be loved, trained and served. Children need parents who will sacrifice for them, who will answer the repeated questions and play the silly games, who will love them, listen to them and give them attention.

There is no app for that.

- Bart

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My Patient the Polygamist

She was a polygamist but she didn’t know it. When she arrived at the office she was asked to confirm her demographic information. Under the section for marital status the box for "polygamist" was clearly checked. The patient, who is in a same sex relationship, laughed loudly, “I couldn’t get married at all until two years ago, now I’m married to more than one person!”

We continued to laugh about it when I came into the exam room. I said, only half-jokingly, “That may be legal before too long!” She got a slightly puzzled look on her face and said, “You think so?”

The conversation that followed surprised me. I was fearful that a discussion between a Christian doctor and a lesbian patient on the nature of marriage might not end well. We live in a world where people on opposite sides of the issue have used terms such as “hateful” and “immoral” to describe those with opposing viewpoints. I chose my words carefully, and proceeded with caution.

I shared with her that the definition of marriage in our society was evolving, and since it was evolving there was no way of knowing for certain what the endpoint would be. I added that the reasoning used by the Supreme Court in its decision affirming same sex marriage could potentially be applied in a way that supported polygamy as well. I said this in a matter of fact way, avoiding any tone that might imply anger, fear or emotion. She agreed with my thoughts, that things had changed and the endpoint was unknown.

I went on to add that it was the evolving nature of things that was the actual source of the debate. Rather than the debate being specifically about marriage, I expressed my thought that there are two viewpoints involved. One part of society believes that values come from outside of society and should endure and not change over time. Another group believes that values should evolve along with society.

Those who believe that values should endure are naturally concerned with the changes that have happened in our country and wonder where we are going. They are naturally opposed to changes in the value system. Her response was perfect in its understanding, “Of course they are!”

I went on to say that those who believe that values evolve over time would naturally tell others, “Who are you to tell me that I cannot live my life the way that I choose? Why should you be able to impose your values on me?” We both agreed on this statement as well.

And that was the end of it, the best possible outcome. Two people with different perspectives and values, two people who did not even agree on the correct way to define values, agreed with one another that reasonable, thoughtful people could reach different conclusions without calling one another names or thinking ill of one another.

How about that?

-          Bar

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Christmas for the Fatherless

Christmas is a wonderful family holiday, for those who have families. For those who come from broken homes it is an especially difficult time of year. I live in both of these realities, rejoicing in the time I have with my wife and children while at the same time dealing with the sadness that remains after many years of having no relationship with my parents.

I know I am not alone in this struggle, that there are thousands of others who similarly mourn. Every month in their search for understanding a few hundred of them find their way to my blog post “The Day My Dad Disowned Me.” Some of them are so wounded, so sad, that they pour out their hearts in the comments or in a private email. Their stories are heartbreaking.

One woman wrote,

“At 53 years old and being disowned as well, the pain never completely leaves. My father at 88 years old and dying still won't utter my name. I still carry a fantasy that as he is dying he will ask for me to come to him, tell me he loves me and we embrace, washing away the years of silence and pain. But this never happened. And still I search web pages "why a parent would not love one of his children" to help ease my broken heart and help me to understand.”

Another woman wrote of dealing with the death of the father she had lost years earlier-

My Dad just died yesterday.
I haven't seen him in 10 years....and 6 years ago he emailed me telling me to never contact him again.
He has been breaking my heart my entire life...and only in the past few years have I begun to make some progress in overcoming some of the heartache and not having it rule over and try to destroy my life.
Now it feels like I'm starting all over again in dealing with the pain, rejection, feelings of not being loved. If you have any books or sermons you can recommend I would greatly appreciate it.

A life spent fatherless led one woman to share these words-

I've grown up my entire life without a father. In high school when I found out, who (was told to me) was my father, I wanted a relationship. I spoke with him on phone, and asked for his help to attend college. As a naive 18 year old, I never imagined that it would cause such heartache for the rest of my life, as he denied me. To this day, I often wonder what it is like to grow up with a father.

There are many more similar stories of people hurting deeply, longing for a father’s love even as they enter middle age knowing it will never, ever come. I think of them at Christmas time and wonder what the holidays are like for them. Do they also stop and wonder if their fathers think of them? If there is any regret over casting aside their child? Have we been completely forgotten, are we nothing more than a bothersome memory they suppressed long ago?

Like me do they still wonder, “Why?”

For me, and for most of those like me, complete answers will never come. The only answer I have is that my father is a sick and damaged man who is incapable of love. The only choice I have is to be the best parent I can be and to love the family I have with all my heart, all year round, and to pray that God in His mercy will redeem the heart and soul of my father.

At Christmas I focus on another Father and another Son. I am grateful for the Father that sent His Son into my world so I could enter into relationship with Him. This Father will never leave me or forsake me for He loves me with an everlasting love.

-          Bart

Thanks for reading, and for taking a moment to pray for those who are hurting at Christmas. Thanks to all who have shared blog posts with others, it is the only way awareness of the blog grows. Your comments and questions are always welcome.

Merry Christmas

Worst. Employee. Ever

Working as a receptionist in a medical office can be challenging. A recent employee came up with a unique way of dealing with the stress that comes when the phones got busy. She answered the phone, politely listened to the patient’s concern and then hung up. She didn’t write anything down or enter a note into the chart, didn’t do anything to actually make sure the patient’s needs were addressed. She simply moved on to the next call. She had a similar solution to entering patient insurance information into the system as well. Skipping work was the easiest way to catch up.

It took several weeks for me to discover the problem. When patients began complaining that their calls were not being returned I searched for a cause. It did not occur to me that my new receptionist might not be recording messages. Message taking is such a crucial component of the job that I did not think it possible for someone with years of experience in the medical field to intentionally avoid it.

My blindness to the cause of the problem was in part due to the fact from my limited observations of her work she seemed to be doing well. She was polite, the other employees liked her and she seemed to be keeping up with her duties.

It was not until a few weeks later when I noticed that a phone message had been entered into the chart hours after the office had closed that I investigated the possibility she was not entering messages into the chart at the time a patient called. The delayed message discovery was the clue that led me to consider that the source of the patient complaints might be her. She was off on the day that I discovered the problem and I called an impromptu meeting with my other employees.

A few minutes into the meeting we realized we had a big problem on our hands. Each of us had individually fielded patient complaints about unreturned calls, unaware that the others had done the same. Together we were aware of 15-20 message failures. I wondered if I should counsel her on her performance and warn her that her job was in jeopardy. When the employees told me that had each already done so I knew this was not a matter of her simply making mistakes. The receptionist  clearly did not care enough about our patients to do her job well. I had no choice but to let her go.

That afternoon I sent a message to every patient on our electronic mailing list letting them know that we had discovered an issue with messages not being recorded. I apologized and asked all who had not received responses to messages to let me know. We had 5 replies within the first 24 hours. I was shaken by the news as I realized important medical care might have been delayed. I was grateful that many patients were supportive and understanding of my efforts to rectify the problem.

As shocked and disappointed as I was at the employee’s intentional neglect, subsequent events were more discouraging. The afternoon of her discharge she deposited a duplicated paycheck she had promised to destroy a month earlier, in essence stealing over $1300 from me. I filed a report with the police.

She filed an unemployment claim. My challenge to the claim was initially upheld but later overturned by an administrative judge who concluded that her misconduct was not excessive and ruled her entitled to up to $15,000 of benefits, charged to my account. It seems that in California employers have almost no protections under the law. It has been six months now and the police have yet to file charges. 

What troubles me the most is not the financial loss. The charges to my account will be stretched out over a long period of time and I will be able to absorb them. What troubles me is that I placed my trust in such an untrustworthy person. I had thought that I was a reasonable evaluator of character but in this case I was fooled, which means it will be harder to trust future employees. This is particularly sad for an office that has always had a family feel about it.

My only comfort is in the knowledge that I was a just and fair employer. I paid her an excellent wage, gave her and her family free medical care and advice and even paid for her first few work uniforms. In spite of her breech of trust I will strive to do the same for others God brings my way. The fact that others are unfaithful does not mean that I cannot be. 

Her story reminds me that we love not because others will love us back but because God loves us. We serve because Christ served us. While recognition and appreciation are often lacking in this life, we serve a God who has promised to reward the faithfulness of His people.

- Bart

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Ungrateful Students and a Thankful Syrian

Some Thanksgiving thoughts-

Campus protests are erupting across the country. In response to perceived racial injustices students have disrupted football games, libraries, lectures, and every conceivable aspect of academic life. Administrators have struggled with how to respond, with most deciding to meet as many of the demands as possible and in so doing validating the claims of the aggrieved.

The outside world, of which most of us are a part, is less supportive. Columns and blog posts mock the students, calling them spoiled, entitled and ignorant. These criticisms overlook what I think is at the heart of their dissatisfaction and at the heart of many of the problems we face today.

They aren’t thankful.

We live in the richest nation the world has ever seen, with blessings and benefits that previous generations would have viewed as impossible fantasies. Most young people hold in their hands smart phones that have hundreds of times more computing power than that which powered the space shuttles, that can take and store photographs without film, and from which they can teleconference with anyone around the world. Today’s students have boundless educational opportunities, most of them subsidized by fellow citizens. They live in dorms that are luxurious, with movie theaters, restaurants and work out centers.

In spite of all of the blessings, they are dissatisfied and angry. There is no sense of gratitude, no consideration of their privilege. People their age in all corners of the globe battle poverty, disease and oppression on a daily basis and can only dream of what these young Americans possess but American students are mindless of the plight of others. Lacking any sense of gratitude, they protest over silly slights.

We as a society would do well to remind ourselves and our families of how blessed we are. A person living at the “poverty line” in the United States, $11,770 a year for an individual, is in the top 15% of income earners worldwide. The poorest Americans are wealthy compared to the rest of the world!

Perhaps it is time to change our focus. How different would our lives and conversations be if we stopped focusing on the things that we do not have and instead focused on what we do have? We who have been surrounded by plenty all of our lives can easily lose sight of the blessings we have received.

I spoke yesterday with a man from Syria. He left there many years ago. Today he works behind the parts counter at a Kia dealership. It is not a high paying job by American standards, but he spoke of the incredible blessing of living in the best nation in the world. He considered himself to be rich. He was grateful and content and it showed in his face.

I want to be more like him.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-          Bart