Love and Hate on Yelp

You can learn a lot by reading reviews on Yelp. While you can learn a little about the menu of a restaurant or the quality of service from a physician’s office, you can learn a lot about the person writing the review. You can learn a lot about our culture as well.

A physician colleague received a one-star review because the receptionist asked for a co-pay when a patient came in for a physical. The patient got angry, left the office and wrote the scathing review, calling the office “Dispicable.”

I received a one-star review from a patient who did not like the advice I gave. It may not have been brilliant, but it wasn’t like I told him to take poison or perform a coffee enema. Looking at one of his other reviews helped me understand. He also gave a one-star review to a strip club. Apparently he was upset at the “no touch” policy. For the first and only time in my life I have something in common with a strip club. In the eyes of this man we are both out of touch.

The Yelp page for a mechanic in town reveals something else about our society. We are a love it or hate it culture. His shop has 139 reviews, all but 7 of which are either 1 star or 5 star reviews. How can this be true? It can’t be. It is close to impossible that his service is always either terrific or terrible, the law of averages dictates that there should be occasions when he is just "okay." The reviews can't all be true. What is true is that we tend to publicly express our opinions in hyperbole, and that we are more concerned with persuading than we are with being completely accurate. When people post reviews it is not about informing a reader, it is about persuading others to join us in our love and hate.

Negative reviews reveal another dark aspect of our culture. We are often more concerned with ourselves than others, more concerned about avenging a perceived slight then we are at being understood. I read several one-star reviews written by people who had not actually utilized the business they were reviewing. A bad interaction with a receptionist, a missed appointment or dislike of a policy led a person to choose to leave the business. Even though their knowledge of the quality of the business was incomplete, they felt comfortable telling the world to stay away.

Perhaps the saddest observation is how disconnected we are. Most of the businesses reviewed on Yelp are small ones. Small businesses are not things, small businesses are people. People struggling to make a living and provide for their families, people who do not have business degrees or PR managers. Many small business owners are learning as they go. Scathing and spiteful reviews written over small misunderstandings reveal a culture in which people do not matter as much as things do. The lack of grace, the refusal to give the benefit of the doubt or to seek reconciliation, and the personal nature of many of the attacks is truly saddening.

Online reviews are here to stay and negative reviews are inevitable. As a businessman I understand that I have no control over what people say about me. Nevertheless I do have control over what I say about others. I can and will make it my goal to be truthful and  accurate in what I say, and as much as possible, to be kind, for my reviews say as much about me as they do about a business.

-          Bart

Wanted- Real Men

While my career plans changed often after I started college my main goal in life did not. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a man. Not in the John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger, action hero sense, but in the head of the household provide for your family, love your wife sense.

I was able to hang on to this goal through the years because it had meaning. It was clearly defined and easily understood. I knew that God desired all boys to become men and I knew what it meant to be a man in God’s eyes. I have spent my life pursuing this definition and the pursuit has led to success in the most important areas of my life, my roles of husband and father.

The definition of manhood was simple and straightforward to me 35 years ago. Times have changed and for many in our world the term now has so many meanings as to have no meaning at all. The result is a generation of young people who are rudderless and fatherless. It is not politically correct but I think it is time for real men to speak out about what true manhood is.

Real men love and live sacrificially, work to better themselves everyday and worry more about who they are instead of what they have.

Real men-

- Devote themselves to one woman, for a lifetime. I meet far to many males who go through life seeking casual relationships with as many women as they can find who are willing to service their sexual desires. Real men understand the importance of devotion.

- Are committed to their children. They realize being a father is the most important job they will ever do. They are willing to put parental success ahead of professional success.

- Practice self-control. They work to control their negative impulses. They set aside anger. They make home a safe place for their wives and children.

- Are men of faith. They submit to a higher authority. They live their lives according to the values defined by God. They live according to God’s moral code and not their own. They pass these values on to their children.

- Work for the long term security of their families. They deny themselves temporary pleasures and toys in order to save for the future.

- Make their own way in the world whenever possible. No job is beneath them and they do not look for a handout. They value work.

These characteristics of manliness are accessible and achievable by all men regardless of their background, ethnicity, education or status. They need not be defended, explained or justified, because they are true.

-Bart

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Boomerangs, Broken Windows and Responsibility

Australians lie. There is no purpose or task for which a boomerang is needed or helpful. From my experience they are nothing more than devices of destruction and mayhem. No matter how many times one reads "the instructions" they never come back when you throw them. Even if they did no finger-loving human would want to catch one in flight. The only possible use of boomerangs is as a tool for lessons in personal responsibility. 

Case in point: When my son was about 7 years old one of the boys in the neighborhood had a boomerang. Nate was playing at their house and asked if he could throw it. He had a pretty strong arm for a little boy and he gave it quite a heave. It was traveling pretty fast when it struck the window of their garage. It is basic law of physics that when an irresistible force strikes an immovable object that the boomerang wins. There was glass everywhere. It was time to buy a new window.

I was across the street when it happened and hurried over to survey the damage. I told the neighbor that we would pay for the window. He initially refused but I insisted. I turned to my son and asked him how much money he had in his piggy bank. "Nine dollars" was his hesitant reply. I told him he would be contributing that amount to the repair of the window and tears welled up in his little eyes, "But it was an accident!" 

I explained that even when we accidentally break something or do harm, something is still harmed or broken and someone will need to fix it. The window had to be replaced, that would cost money, and because the damage came from him he was responsible to for it.  We have to take responsibility for the consequences of our own actions even when they are unintentional. This wasn't punishment, it was just the way life worked. We went home and retrieved his life savings and I added the remainder. The neighbor graciously did the repair himself. 

Reflecting back on the story I am reminded that personal responsibility is a lost value. People are often quick to apologize but very slow to make amends. It seems no one wants to be held accountable for their mistakes. I see this all the time. Just this week we received a bill from a medical office. We were surprised because we had been asked to "pay in full" at the time of service had done so. The collections agent explained that they had made a mistake and "forgotten" to charge us for a portion of the services. My response that "payment in full" typically means you have "paid in full" and that we should therefore not have to pay for their mistake fell on deaf and uncaring ears. 

I have made similar billing mistakes in my practice but my worldview is different from that of the other medical office. In every circumstance I bear the expense of our mistakes. Both me and my son can attest that accepting responsibility is costly. Apologies are not. Here's hoping for a resurgence of responsibility in the world.

- Bart

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Is There Anyone We Can Trust?

One of the most quoted passages in Scripture is Paul’s description of the characteristics of a godly life found in his letter to the Galatian church. He calls these characteristics the “fruit of the Spirit”. The list includes- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are all and wonderful and desirable attributes but one in particular seems unique from the rest. Faithfulness.

It is the one that can only be measured and assessed over a long period of time. A person who is kind, joyous, good and gentle 99% of the time may rightly be described as having these attributes, but a man who is faithful to his wife 99% of the time is a cheat. Because it requires persistence over time I think faithfulness may be the rarest of the Christian virtues and the most difficult to possess.

I fear it has also become the least valued. In out fast-food, fast-paced world we have come to want what we want and to want it now. Young people fresh out of school want honor and respect. Young politicians closer to high school age than they are to retirement age seek to be president of the United States, while other older politicians ask us to believe that they are committed to positions opposite those they espoused just a few years before. How can we know they will be faithful to their promises?

The fact that so many of the leading candidates fit one of these descriptions is evidence that we have devalued faithfulness. There is no substitute for it. While a person who has been true to his values for decades should be more trusted than someone who had frequently changed, this does not seem to matter to us anymore. This is concerning.

It is of even greater concern to me in the life of the church. As is often the case, in this regard the American church is following American culture. We seek new faces, charismatic leaders who make eloquent statements and emphatic promises. While these leaders may be good and gifted men, and while they may be kind, gentle, patient, joyful and loving, it is hard to know if they are faithful. Faithfulness can only be measured over time.

Later this week I will be speaking to a church group on the topic of faithfulness, looking into the Apostle Paul’s thoughts on the subject. It was a common theme in the letters he wrote to young pastors under his charge. The talk will be the basis of my posts in the coming few weeks as I explore what it is that Christians are to be faithful to. The answers may surprise you!

-          Bart

Those who are interested in hearing my talk on faithfulness can watch it live on my twitter feed this Wednesday, February 24 (@bartbarrettmd) I am scheduled to begin between 10:15 and 10:30. I am planning on uploading the message to my vimeo page later in the week. 

The Cult is Having a Sale

The cult was having a sale and women’s ministry in the church wanted to go. When I pointed out to them that the store in question was run by a cult their plans didn't change. The only thing that changed was their attitude about me. It seemed obvious to me that there are certain things that Christians should not do and that if I made aware they would choose to avoid  questionable behaviors. I was wrong.

I learned that many Christians only consider morality in the extreme cases such as theft and adultery. If the bible is not explicit then no thought is given to rightness or wrongness. People are free to do what they want and none dare question it.

This was surprising to me because I have questioned my own behavior since adolescence. There have always been things I clearly could not do because of moral concerns. There were other things I chose not to do when morality was unclear. Even as a teen I would not go to parties if alcohol was being served and I didn’t attend R-rated movies. I didn't want to chance it.

The sale at the cult-owned quilting store seemed something the women might want to avoid. The store in question was unique. It was the primary source of income for a small religious commune in Orange County. The leader of the cult was a feisty woman who defied government authority and who taught that Jesus was nothing more than a man. I did not think that the church would want to directly contribute to such a cult by patronizing its business.

My first thought when I saw the flyer for the shopping event was that the leaders were unaware of the store’s backstory. The store did not overtly proclaim its mission and theology, instead choosing to present itself as nothing more than a neighborhood country store. I assumed that when the leaders learned the full story of the store that they would choose to shop elsewhere. I was wrong. I was accused of being judgmental and legalistic, unreasonable and disrespectful.

When I asked how, knowing what they knew, they could justify encouraging women of the church to shop at the store their answer left me dumbfounded. I was told that the store stocked some hard to find items and that it would be inconvenient to try and find them elsewhere. My concern that making the shopping trip a church sponsored event might lead some to believe that the church was supportive of the store’s mission was dismissed out of hand.

Over the years I have learned that my attitude about morality makes me an outlier. I live in a world in which the majority of people are not guided by values and principles. What matters most is what people feel and what people want. If making a stand is difficult or inconvenient most people will choose not to make it at all. 

The sad reality is that when values are sacrificed when they become costly, they aren’t worth anything.

-          Bart

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For those who are wondering, the cult store is still in business. It is the Piecemakers store in Costa Mesa, California.