The Foundation of a Lasting Friendship

Many friendships don't last. Some we think will last forever quickly fade while a few endure in unexpected fashion. This is a story of such a friendship.

I have known Rod for thirty-five years. When I was 18 he took me in as a roommate. 7 years his junior, he was a brother, friend, mentor and guitar teacher to me.   At times we shared evenings filled with long and deep conversations about faith and life, other times I would sit and marvel at his guitar skills, listening with envy at the beautiful melodies he created, many of which I can still play.

Out friendship has endured these years in unique fashion. We do not speak often but are always glad when we do. We have very few things in common. He loves the outdoors, hiking and nature and knows next to nothing about sports or politics. I am lost outside of civilization and am addicted to sports and am a political junkie.  Come to think of it, we have almost nothing in common!

In spite of this we are friends, true friends, not the Facebook sort, but the kind that would come to one another's side at a moment's notice without question.

We remain friends because of a single, deeply shared commonality. We are brothers in faith. In our own ways and in our own worlds we each live each day doing our best to serve the God we love, the God who first loved us and who made us brothers.

Which is why I found myself sitting alone in a coffee house in an unfamiliar neighborhood in Long Beach on a Sunday night a few weeks ago. Rod was playing, one of three artists scheduled to perform that night.

I listened to him sing about life and about loss, about a search for meaning and purpose, sharing his gifts and talents with all those God brought his way.  He was genuine and transparent, honest and forthright. He was Rod. This is who and how he is.

As I listened I was transported back 35 years, to a place where I was once again sipping coffee listening to his music and looking up to a man who possessed a level of character and integrity to which I aspired. He is still an inspiration to me.

There is no question that I would not be who I am today were it not for Rod. His friendship has been such a gift. 

- Bart

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Love is never Hopeless.

waiting for a boy to become a man can be hard!

It is very hard to look at a 13 year-old boy and accurately forecast the probability of future success. For my son Nate it was darned near impossible. The standard indicators of future success- a clean room, completed chores, and finished homework, were noticeably absent. At that age it seemed that his greatest hope for success in the world was dependent on there actually being a zombie apocalypse or an alien invasion. If there was one (or two) things he was really good at it was killing aliens and zombies. It was a skill honed and developed through hours of practice that arose out of a singular devotion to duty.

As a father it was incredibly frustrating. Like many dads looking at his cluttered room and hearing the endless video game explosions led to visions of my son standing at an intersection with a piece of cardboard that said “Will work for food.” (Although the thought that he might actually be willing to work was slightly comforting.)

My frustration was in large part my own fault. I had unreasonable expectations for a 13 year-old. (My wife will say that I also had unreasonable expectations for a 14, 15, 16, and 17 year-olds as well.) I was basing my opinion totally on what I saw with my eyes. I was ignoring two important things that I could not see- the goodness of his heart, influenced by the Biblical teaching that was a large part of his life, and the bigness of our God, who Nate had made a commitment to at a young age.

I was allowing present circumstances and performance to completely determine my perception of the future of my child. I was stupid, and on many occasions I did not show him love as I should have, for love does not only believe in the good intentions of someone’s heart for the present time, love believes that goodness of heart will result in good in the future. This belief that the future will be better has a name. It is called Hope.

Paul listed Hope as one of the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love always hopes.” Even when current evidence is lacking, even when someone is failing right in front of us, when it comes to relationships with those we love, our family, especially our spiritual family, true love brings hope. Hope that the future need not be defined by the present. Hope that God is able to make broken people whole, that God can change lives for the good.

It is difficult to hope sometimes, difficult to believe that the future can be better. We need God’s help to love like this, need Him to remind us that He is in control, need to trust His ability to work in the lives of those He loves. But if we love others and love God we must trust, for love always hopes.

I had hope for my son. If I had allowed his dirty room and video games to define him, I would have not encouraged him to be more and do more. My hopes were not disappointed as he has since exceeded my hopes for him. He is a good man, a loving husband, and a devout believer. He is still equipped to deal with the coming zombie apocalypse, but he is also finishing a law degree at UCLA, and working for the District Attorney, where he is displaying a talent for dealing with real life bad guys. Thank God for hope.

-          Bart

This is the 13th post in a series on love based on 1 Corinthians 13. If you have been encouraged by this post, please consider sharing it. If you have a story or comment to share, please share it in the comments. You can be sure to receive all future posts in your email by subscribing to the blog as well. (Link is upper right on a computer, at the bottom of the page on a mobile device.)

A Doctor with Serious ADD Issues...

Some people say I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I think it is more information overload. My brain is continually filled to overflowing, swirling and churning with thoughts and ideas. So much so that my employees tell me there are times when I walk away in the middle of a conversation. They say something, I give a reply, and then I walk away when they start to respond. Like a dog who sees a squirrel something grabs my attention and off I go. I am oblivious.

This behavior is rather embarrassing and can lead to harm in relationships. It would be easy for my staff to get hurt feelings, call me a jerk and then complain to others about what an insensitive boss they had. They could use their knowledge of this behavioral flaw to embarrass me. They could, but my current employees don’t.

They do the opposite. Because they know my heart and my desire to do the right thing they not only overlook this fault, they actually take steps to counteract any harm. They cover me and protect me, they have my back. When we have new employees or students in the office they warn them, “Dr. Barrett can be a little ADD at times. It is hysterical, but sometimes he will turn and walk away in the middle of a conversation. Don’t be offended, it’s just him!”

This is what people do when they care about someone. They cover over the flaws of others and protect their weaknesses.

Paul addressed this, saying “Love always protects.” One way to interpret his words is to say that like a roof, love always covers.

This is a characteristic of healthy relationships and particularly of healthy marriages. We look out for one another and step up to defend and protect one another. We do not take advantage of our knowledge of weaknesses to make ourselves look good, instead we intentionally act to keep others safe.

While this is important to do in marriage, it is important in all of our relationships, in our families, our work relationships, our church relationships and friendships. It is not easy, it can be risky, but it is what love does. This raises the question- Are you a protector?

- Bart

This post is the 10th in a series on love, taken from the Bible passage 1 Corinthians 13. Since all of us need to be more loving, consider sharing these blog posts with your friends.

On the 32nd Anniversary of Meeting My Wife, Thoughts on Why We've Lasted

Lisa and I met on a Friday. Feb 5th to be exact. I asked her out on Sunday the 7th (after unwittingly falling into her well laid trap, a story for another day.) First date- February 13th. Proposal the first week of March. Wedding- July 16th. A Wonderful Whirlwind.
If we were to tell you we knew exactly what we were doing, we would be lying. We were clueless in so many ways. But we did love each other, and we did love God. It seems so often this is not enough, as many Christian marriages fail. Why did we make it?
I can't be certain, but I think a big reason was our life goals. These were present when we met and haven't changed in over 30 years. 
While I did not have any idea of my future vocation, I was sure of two things. 
1- I wanted to be a godly husband
2- I wanted to be a godly father. 
Lisa wanted to be a godly wife and mother. We both understood that these goals would require immense effort, would be elusive, and would require personal sacrifice. We were both committed to do whatever it took to achieve these goals.
And we did. We have swallowed pride, made apologies, asked for help, extended grace and sought forgiveness. We have put our kids and one another ahead of our own interests, and admitted it when we didn't. We have set God's Word as our authority, and subjected our wills to its correction.
And it worked.
We are best friends, soul mates and true partners.
Not too shabby for a clueless couple only 3 years out of High School when we met and got married!

Do you feel this Important Symptom of a Diseased Spiritual Heart?

Symptoms are important. They tell the patient that something is wrong and when properly understood can tell the physician what that something is. Every once in a while I get surprised by someone who is much sicker or worse off than I imagined. I find myself asking, “How is it they didn't feel this?”

I think of a 10-year-old girl who came to my office several years ago. She had fallen off of the monkey bars a few days earlier and had occasionally complained of arm pain. Her mother was only a little concerned but brought her in to see me just to be sure she was okay.

I examined the child, poking and prodding and moving her arm and shoulder all around. Not a peep or a grimace of pain. Her exam was perfectly normal. I told the mom I could not make a good argument for getting an x-ray, but gave an order for arm and shoulder films just in case. I told her to get the x-rays done if she was not better in 2-3 days.

Three days later they were back. The girl still was relatively asymptomatic, but this time one thing was different. This time she brought an x-ray of her upper arm that showed the humerus was broken. IN TWO! Snapped. Completely broken with the bones a centimeter apart. To this day I cannot understand how she could have slept comfortably, much less allow a doctor to move the arm over her head. It is hard to recognize a problem when there are no symptoms!

Our society is in a similar circumstance right now. We have serious problems, but many people do not feel or recognize them at all. They are missing something crucial that would allow them to understand how sick they really are.

Ravi Zacharias, a brilliant and articulate Christian leader, described the problem perfectly in two recent Facebook posts-

“To raise a child without shame is to raise one with no immune system against evil.”

“Shame is to the moral health of a society what pain is to the body. The sense of shame provides an indicator to the mind.”

Dysfunction is spreading through our culture, spreading because people lack a key means of recognizing it and dealing with it. They have lost a sense of shame. People are openly proud about behaviors which were once (and still should be) considered shameful.

I can think of many examples, such as the young man who came into my office for a check up, and when I asked about his sexual history, proudly declared that he was sexually involved with several girlfriends at the same time. Taken aback by his unabashed boasting, I clarified his response, asking, “So you are not saying you have had multiple partners in the past, you are saying that you currently have multiple women you are sleeping with?”

He extended his fist to give me a knuckle punch as he laughed and turned the word “Yeah” into one of three syllables. “Yea-a-ah, dude!” He had no shame.

I have seen similar sentiments expressed on Facebook, in blog posts and on television. Casual sexual encounters, vulgar language and other immoral behaviors are displayed as badges of honor instead of markers of shame. It seems that our world has fully embraced the view that no behavior is inherently wrong. If it feels good and brings pleasure in the moment it should be proclaimed and celebrated.

The freedom promised by the shameless pursuit of pleasure is false freedom, as it traps people in lives where it is impossible to experience the joy and peace that come from living life as God intends. Instead of running from and denouncing shame and embarrassment, we should train ourselves to cultivate a healthy sense of shame that will sound the alarm when we foolishly go our own way.

God wants to heal our diseased hearts, and appropriate shame can lead us to seek the cure. Ask yourself- "Do I feel the symptoms of my sinful heart, or am I becoming hardened to shame?" The answer is important.