Demanding Respect Doesn't Work and 5 ways Respect can be Earned

Have a hard time dealing with condescension and disrespect?  How we respond to negative treatment says a lot about us and our insecurities, a lesson I have learned the hard way.

I have respect issues. Nothing pushes my buttons like condescension and dismissal. Disrespect and ridicule are a common part of medical training and I did not handle it very well. Disrespect is particularly common in surgeons. I did not appreciate their arrogance and made it a point to defend myself. One interaction I had with a rude gynecologic oncologist became well known throughout my med school class.
In my third year at UCI (University of California Irvine) Medical School I was assigned to be the "second assistant" for a hysterectomy, which means I was given the privilege of standing by the patient's feet while the surgeon and OB-Gyn resident performed the surgery. Like a 4 year-old child at a dinner party, second assistants are to be seen and not heard. Nothing was said to me for the 90 minute procedure. Nothing. No instruction, no description of the procedure, no background on the patient's history, not a word until the case was wrapping up, at which time the attending looked over at me and asked, "So Bart, where did you get your undergraduate degree?"
"UCI," I replied, surprised to be noticed.
"Oh, another f----ing Irvine-Irvine student. Like we need another one of those!"
My anti-disrespect mechanism kicked in immediately. Game on.
"Where did you go to medical school?" I asked innocently.
"I went to UC Davis," he responded with pride.
"I applied to Davis," I said, "but I did not get in." Pause for effect, then- "They told me I wasn't dumb enough."
End of conversation. Game over.
As we left the operating room the resident called me aside, "You can't do that!"
I was firm in my response, "I didn't start it, but I finished it!" I did pay a small price for my attitude, if for my grade in that clinical rotation I would have gotten straight A's that year. My inability to tolerate disrespect cost me.
I can say from experience that a young person desiring respect will find that a chip on the shoulder and a biting wit do not bring the desired result.
So how can a young person gain respect? How does one establish themselves as a person of value, someone who can lead and be admired? The Apostle Paul gave his young protege Timothy valuable counsel in this regard, 2000 year old advice that still resonates to day.
1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."
Paul gave 5 ways that Timothy could demonstrate maturity and leadership-
Speech- watch what you say and how you say it. Mature people know when to speak and when not to, what to say and when to say it.
Conduct- mature people act with maturity. They control their temper and act responsibly.
Love- Mature people put others before themselves and are characterized by kindness and service.
Faith- I have seen that a life lived based on genuine faith is an admirable one. When your life is consistent with your values people notice.
Purity- So many young people bounce from one sexual relationship to the next. Those that pursue purity set themselves apart.

Hmmm. I need to follow this advice! While my quick tempered tongue can silence a critic, it is the quality of my life that gains me respect! 

Dumped, Depressed and Discouraged? There is hope.

I got dumped on my 19th Birthday. I was devastated. Normally that would have been a good time to go to the leader of our college ministry for help and advice. I say normally because the week before the leader abruptly stepped down because of problems in his marriage. The Bible Study group had been the center of my life for 2 years, meeting twice a week. In a matter of just a few days I had no girlfriend, no college group and it seemed no hope. I didn't have much money as I only had a part-time job and I didn't have much of a future as I was not in college. As I looked at my life there was very little to feel good about. I was so depressed that every area of my life suffered. I am amazed I didn't lose my job as my performance was terrible. I was deeply discouraged and yet out of that experience came a lesson that has endured for the remainder of my life.

One day I was praying, explaining to God how miserable my life was (as if he did not already know!). As I prayed a question came to my mind, “Which one of these life events has taken Jesus down from his position in heaven and stuck Him back in the tomb?”

“None of them,” I answered myself.

Another question came to mind, “So what is your problem?”

In that moment I learned the most important way to deal with discouragement, the way emphasized by the writer of Hebrews 12. The most important way to avoid discouragement is to maintain a proper focus. The writer of Hebrews instructs us to “Fix our eye on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our Faith, who, for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame and sat down at the right hand of God.”

He tells us we are to look to Jesus, who:

• is the basis, the beginning, source and fulfillment of our faith.

• Models for us how to endure difficult times. Jesus did not focus on the sufferings of this life but instead of the eternal joy that lay ahead. He was able to go to the cross because He saw through the cross. By focusing on the eternal He was able to endure earthly suffering and rejection.

• Won an eternal victory. After the cross and resurrection, Jesus “sat down” at the right hand of God. His work was complete and the victory was sure.

I realized that my discouragement was in large part because when I looked at my life I was focusing on the wrong thing. This life is difficult, but this life is not all there is. Eternal life awaits those who trust in God. It will eventually get better. The glorious hope that belongs to those of faith is a powerful antidote to discouragement.

The antidote does not always work immediately, like antibiotics for an infection we may need to take the medicine for several days before it takes effect. But it does work!

This is the fifth post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Weary and Discouraged? Maybe You're a Jerk Like me!

When things don't go as we want or plan discouragement can quickly follow. It is easy to think that if we could change our circumstances our discouragement would go away. Unfortunately, changing our circumstances often requires that we change ourselves.

I want to be a great doctor. Good isn't good enough. I want to be the best and always have which is why for years patient satisfaction surveys were incredibly discouraging. I remember when I got my first survey results from the medical group. According to the survey I was average, smack dab in the middle of the pack. I was depressed. How could that be? I had worked so hard at doing everything right, harder than the doctors I worked with, but I scored lower. What happened?

What happened was that although I was practicing good medicine, consistently doing what was right for my patients and prescribing appropriate treatment, I was falling short in a key area.

I was a jerk.

Not intentionally, I actually cared about people. In spite of my caring I was at times arrogant and condescending . I knew the advice I was giving was correct so I did not have enough patience for patients who were fearful or uncertain, I a result I came across as brusque and uncaring . I loved medicine and I loved people, but the truth was I loved them a lot more when they agreed with me! When they didn't... well, not as much.

I could chalk up my poor scores to many things, but the core problem was me. I lacked true compassion and as a result did not listen and respond in a loving way. I had too high a view of myself and too low a view of others. For patient perceptions to improve, I needed to change. This was not easy, as pride and confidence in my opinion were deeply ingrained. Yet if my discouragement over my evaluations was going to end there was no choice. I needed to lay aside my pride, my sinful self-righteousness.

Turns out that the writer of the book of Hebrews figured this out long before I did. As he encouraged people to hang on and endure the trials of life he told them that to avoid spiritual weariness  they would need to throw away the thing that tripped them up, the sin that “clings so closely”.

We tend to blame God when we trip up, but it is never His fault. So often when I am discouraged the root cause is my own stupid sin. (Is there any other kind?)

About 5 years ago I started praying, purposefully and intentionally, that God would help me love my patients and be more kind. (It probably does not come as a surprise to anyone else, but I learned that listening and caring are a part of love and kindness!) God worked in my life by allowing me to become a patient myself, to struggle with anxiety and pain. I learned from my daughter as I watched her deal with health and emotional issues, seeing how hard she worked for baby steps of progress. With these new experiences came a change of heart that allowed me to throw aside my arrogance and pride and become a more caring physician. I still try to do the right thing in all circumstances and work hard to get my diagnosis and treatment plans correct, but now it is in the context of caring about patients and making sure their concerns are heard. I have changed

Once I laid aside my self-righteousness and sense of superiority, my survey results improved and my discouragement evaporated. For the last four years I have consistently rated in the top 10 percent of the doctors in my medical group.

How about that? So often it is when we insist on doing things our own way and hang on to sinful thoughts and behaviors that we get discouraged. The writer of Hebrews told us what we need to do in such situations. We need to throw these bad things away!  We need to change!

This is the fourth post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Do You Deserve a Parenting Award?

Think of the awards and recognition you have received in your life and why they were valuable. So often awards we labor for seem less important over time. Some of the best awards are ones we never expected and were never directly pursued.

As with many doctors, over the course of my education and career I have accumulated various accolades and awards. Some of them have pretty impressive titles, with words such as outstanding, best, and “of the year” emblazoned on them. Most of them, while meaningful when received, have been long forgotten by those who gave them.

This Christmas I was blessed with a unexpected recognition that has special value. In early December my 18 year-old daughter came to my wife and I one evening and announced the gift that topped her Christmas list- 2 tickets to see the pop boy band One Direction in concert. They are doing a show at the Rose Bowl on her birthday in September and the tickets were going on sale the following week.

"I want to go!" She said, and then she turned to me. "And Daddy I want you to go with me, because you will sing the songs with me and I think I will have more fun with you than anyone else!"

Pretty Awesome. I will take "One Direction Concert Partner" from my daughter over a medical award any day. Lots of doctors win medical awards. How many are their child's concert buddy? 

This is a simple reminder of a goal that should be shared by all parents. As our children grow up and are able to decide what to do and who to do it with we should hope that we will be a viable option for them. If you wonder if you would be on your child’s buddy list for a special event ask yourself this question- “Is my child on my buddy list?”  If you don’t choose their company chances are they won’t choose yours!

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Discouraged by Yelp! More on Dealing With Discouragement

 Recently I discovered a rather brutal review of my practice on Yelp. (You can go read it if you are so inclined.) In this mother's opinion I am a great evil and a threat to children. Her words hurt. I try so hard to love the patients in my practice, especially the children. It was clear that in her case I failed miserably. Discouragement raised its head, as did anger and fear. What could I do?

A key for dealing with and preventing discouragement in Hebrews 12 is found in verse 1. The writer says, “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that clings so closely” (ESV).

Every weight- some things just weight us down in our the race of life. For me, the things that slow me down and discourage me include doubt, fear and past hurts.

Past hurts have been particularly hard for me at times. I have been let down by so many people- parents, friends, an even in the church often frequently by pastors and leaders. To quote those great theologians Simon and Garfunkle, “it's the same old story, everywhere I go, I've been slandered, libeled, I hear words I never hear in the Bible!”.

When I dwell on these things. I feel like quitting. Who wants to keep running when it seems you are just running into pain? But God says that we can't hang on to these things.

We have to lay them aside.

The English term “lay aside” is a little softer than what I think the original Greek word implies. I think “Throw far away” might be better. We need to throw these things far away from us, far enough away that they can't slow us down.

This is not easy. Especially for someone like me who suffers from anxiety disorder. I cling to hurts instead of throwing them away. Worse, my anxiety disorder can make little things hurt a lot.

So what could I do with Yelp! induced pain? I shared it with others, received encouragement, and set it aside. I decided to just do the best I could to keep loving and serving my patients, learn from the mistake and went on.

Where in the past I would have dwelt on it for days or weeks, I moved on. As I did I realized that I was not perfect, and that this is okay with God, and with many of my patients. I focused on the smiles and positive interactions gained hope. By setting the pain aside and focusing on the positive a discouragement that before would have lasted a while faded away.

Is there something you need to lay aside? Do it! Sometimes letting go is the first step in moving on!

This is the third post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.