The Secret to Success

Why do some people make it and others not? How is it that sometimes gifted and talented people fail miserably?

These thoughts were in my mind when I recently traveled down one of those link by link internet rabbit trails. I do not even remember where I started but I know I ended up reading a list of past Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year winners. My eye was not drawn to the recent successes such as the Angel’s Mike Trout (who has a very good chance of being considered one of the greatest players ever), but to the names on the list that have been nearly forgotten.

There are many players who, after initial success, saw their careers quickly flame out. They were stars one moment and forgotten has-beens the next. I read about the careers of players like Bob Hamelin, who won the award for Kansas City in 1994 and was out of baseball within 5 years and Mark Fidrych, who won the award and 19 games as a starting pitcher for the Detroit tigers in 1976. Fidrych won only 10 more games in his entire career.

I reflected on the elusiveness of long term success. It is one thing to do something well for a while, it is an entirely different thing to do something well for a lifetime. I thought of my major roles in life, my roles as husband, father and physician (in that order), and how being really good for one or two years would be nearly meaningless.

I then asked myself- how do you maintain excellence over the long haul? The best answer I can come up with is, “You work at it every day, and you never, ever stop trying to do better.”

When I look at the people who were the all-time greats it seems they all shared this characteristic. They were never satisfied by past success. They were always working to get better, to strengthen their areas of weakness, to eliminate flaws and fortify their strengths. They accepted criticism and instruction and made themselves a little better every day.

I will never be paid millions of dollars to ply my trade in front of thousands of people but I have been given a job to do. When my life is over it is my prayer to find myself standing before Almighty God and hear Him say, “You did well.” I am pretty sure that hearing that will make my heart grateful for all eternity and make all of the hard work seem worth it. I am absolutely sure that I will not hear those words if I do not continue to work every day to be the best I can be in whatever situation God places me.

- Bart

How Love and Baseball Changed the Life of a Little Boy

While I have a strange ability to remember numbers, facts and trivia, I have a very poor recollection of live events. I have been told by some that it is a defense mechanism designed to protect me from the painful memories of my abusive past. It is a pretty effective mechanism, as I remember very little of my childhood. There is but one area of my childhood that escaped the cloud of forgetfulness- my one season of little league baseball.

When we were 10 my twin brother and I were finally allowed to pursue baseball, our one great love. The coach took a liking to us right away, nicknaming us Heckyl and Jekyl after the two mischievous magpies in a cartoon. I remember my coach as a great man, strong, loving and with a warm smile. He praised my successes and nursed the wounds of my failures. As we had never played Little League before it took sometime before the coach recognized that we could really play the game, but once he did we played a lot. I was the starting pitcher and Bret the starting catcher. I compiled a record of 5 wins and 2 losses, we both hit over .300 and were named to the All Star team. My happiest childhood memory is of the day we beat the team coached by our coach's neighbor. He had talked up the game for a week. We won 8-3. I pitched a complete game, with the final out coming when I covered home on a wild pitch. The coach raced out of the dugout and gave me a huge bear hug. It was a moment of true joy for me.

That season was the single greatest year of my childhood, perhaps the only happy one. What made it wonderful was the love and encouragement of a man who was not my father, a man who I never saw again. But in that one season he gave a battered little boy hope for the future, a belief that if he worked hard he could be more than the failure he had been labeled at home.

Just a reminder of the difference we can make when we go out of our way to love a child. It can have an impact far greater than you could ever imagine.

- Bart

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Finding Family in an Unexpected Place

I have frequented the Ohana Cafe in Huntington Beach for years. It is a family run business and I know the family well, as I have delivered 3 of the children and provide care to members of 4 generations. It has a small town atmosphere and the regulars know one another, many have developed friendships and often share a table.

I was sharing a table for lunch this past week with another regular (who is also a patient and friend) when two people walked in and sat at the table near us. By their ages I assumed they were father and daughter- she seemed to be in her twenties and he appeared to be about my age. I made eye contact with the dad when they came in and gave him a small nod and a "How you doing?" greeting. 

When food arrived, the father reached across the table and took his daughter's hands and they bowed their heads for a prayer. It struck me that these strangers were no longer strangers, that they might actually be fellow Christians and we might actually be family. I spoke up and said, "So where do you all go to church?" He shared that they went to a baptist church in Compton. 

We talked briefly about churches, and he said that church wasn't about where you attended but where your heart was. I agreed that what you did on Sunday did not matter near as much as what you did the rest of the week. After that brief exchange we went back to our meals.

My heart was warmed by the reality of all of the things that did not matter. It did not matter that they lived in Compton and I lived in Huntington Beach. It did not matter that they were black and I was white. It did not matter what we did for a living. In that moment what mattered was that we shared a faith in Christ and that because of that faith we were family.

When the waitress brought my check I quietly paid for both meals. I left before they knew their check had been covered, praying that they would be blessed by the fact that it was not a stranger, but a brother who paid the bill.

- Bart

Rejected or Lonely? here is How I deal with the Pain

I have “issues”. According to my psychiatrist, as a result of childhood abuse I have issues with abandonment, rejection and neglect. These issues, when added to the normal stress of life, result in another issue- anxiety disorder. My anxiety disorder manifests itself primarily through irritability, which is an issue for my family. Apparently even my issues have issues!

When I reflect on my childhood and the lasting effects of being raised by parents who were unable to provide normal safety and security, I think of how painful rejection is in general. We are people created by God, designed to live in relationship with others. The God who looked at Adam and said, “It is not good for man to be alone”, was obviously correct in His analysis. We need other people if we are to live healthy and productive lives, yet as a result of the sin and brokenness that characterizes all humanity we all experience rejection and isolation.

It seems to me that the odds of rejection are increased for those value-driven people of faith who have a strong commitment to living in truth. There are many people in the world who feel uncomfortable being around good people, as their selfish behavior seems so bad by comparison.

This observation is not unique to me, I glean it from Scripture. Near the end of his life the Apostle Paul was in prison for his faith. While there he wrote a letter to his protégé Timothy. Near the end of the letter Paul wrote about his loneliness and sense of abandonment and asked Timothy to make an effort to come visit him-

"Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus to Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me." Tim 4:9-11 NIV

My eyes are drawn to his description of the actions of Demas, a former friend and partner in Paul’s ministry (You will find his name listed among those serving with Paul at the conclusion of Paul’s letter to the Colossian church). Paul stated succinctly why Demas had abandoned him. Demas loved the pleasures of life, the temporary things that life had to offer. Paul’s life was about eternity, about serving God. Demas decided he wanted his pleasure now and as a result abandoned his friend.

We learn from this that sometimes people do not abandon us because of something bad in us, but instead because of the good in us and the bad in them. It is easy (especially as a child) to experience rejection and ask, “What did I do wrong?” This is a good question, but it sometimes needs to be combined with another, “What did I do right?”

What do we do when we are rejected for doing right? How do we handle that pain? I try to gain comfort in the knowledge that God understands, for Jesus Himself was rejected and abandoned by His friends. I gain further comfort in the promise that God made to Joshua, and by extension to all who follow Him-

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8 NIV

- Bart

Feeling down and alone? Send me a message, I would love to pray for you! Have any words of encouragement for those who may be hurting? Please share in the comments. Know someone who may be helped by this post? Click a button below and share it. As always, remember you can have all posts delivered to your inbox by clicking on the “Subscribe” button.

How to avoid arguing with your teenager!

Parent-teenager conflicts are common. I have lost count of the number of times a parent has come to me at their wit's end wondering what to do with a teenager who wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t shut up, or was uncontrollably defiant. Regardless of the specifics of the conflict, all of the conflicts share a common theme. The teenager and the parent disagree about the teen’s behavior and attitudes. The parents want change and the teen sees no need or has no desire to change. A careful review of each of these conflicts has taught me that they are almost always predictable and preventable.

I say predictable because of what we know to be true about human nature. At the core of each person is a desire for self-determination, the need to be in charge of one’s own destiny. No one I have ever met wants to spend their entire life being told by someone else how they should live. This natural tendency begins to blossom at puberty, quickly peaking by the high school years. We all went through it and we all experienced the feelings of frustration when our parents told us to do things we didn’t want to do, so we should not be surprised when our kids have the same feelings.

I say preventable because if we are aware of the above tendency and prepare ourselves and our children for it we can avoid many of these confrontations. In a surprising fit of wisdom many years ago I had preparatory conversations with my children about this that resulted in remarkably conflict-free high school years.

I sat down with each child (in a moment of peace and harmony, NOT right after a blow up!) and told them what the future would bring, sharing each of the points below-

1. It is natural for ALL children to desire independence and to do things their own way.

2. It is natural to want to push back against the rules and wishes of your parents.

3. Natural does not necessarily mean good and right. (In fact, as Christians we believe that our nature is to be selfish and do wrong much of the time)

4. One of a parent’s key jobs during adolescence is to help their child recognize when their natural desires are leading them astray.

5. If the desire to push back and challenge authority is not controlled it will be very hard to succeed in life. (I shared with them that if a future boss asked them to do a task and was met with rolling eyes, a sigh and a “Why, me?” they would soon be out of a job!)

6. To help them succeed in life I was going to make sure that we dealt with this problem as soon as it appeared. In order to help them learn how to deal with these situations, whenever this natural tendency showed up I would remind them of this conversation. Instead of saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” I would say, “Remember how we talked that it was natural to challenge but not right and good? This is one of these times. I want you to take a break and step back and think of a better way to handle this.”

7. If they didn't take that step back and find a way to better handle it their emotions I would make sure there was a consequence, because this was a very important lesson.

8. Finally- I promised them that there would be a number of times when, just like a future boss, my position would possibly be wrong or stupid and, also just like their future boss, they would have to do it anyway!

This worked amazingly well over the years. I think what made it most effective was my children understood that it was about them being the type of person they wanted to be (successful and with good relationships) and not about them being under my thumb. It may not work for everyone, but I have been told by many parents that this approach has helped them!

- Bart

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