What Makes a Great Mother?

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child" so go the words of the classic spiritual. The words describe my childhood. I was not motherless, but sometimes I felt like I was. Alcoholic and possibly depressed, my mother was unable to love as a mother should. My twin and I grew up in a home empty of praise yet filled with verbal abuse, where affection was rare but beatings were common. It was not until I met Lisa that I learned what love truly was.

For the last 25 years I have been blessed by watching a wonderful mother in action. Lisa is the ultimate mom. She does all of the things my mother wouldn’t or couldn’t do, loves our children in all the ways a mother should. Here are the lessons she has taught me about what great moms do. 

Great Moms-

- Listen to their children. They listen to their stories, their fears, their hopes and their dreams and the delight in hearing all of them.

- Appropriately protect their children. I say appropriately, for good moms don't protect their children from the consequences of their actions of from deserved discipline. They do protect their children from abuse and unwarranted punishment. There have been a number of times when I was tempted to overreact to something my children did and Lisa was always their working to calm me down and show me the hearts of my children. She saved me from myself and guarded my relationship with my kids.

- Know the hearts of their children. Lisa has an amazing ability to see the true feelings or fears that lay behind every act. She sees what I do not, feels pains that I would overlook.

- Forgive. Kids can be mean and selfish great moms forgive and love anyway.

- Pray for their children, desiring God’s best for their lives. Lisa prays the desperate aching heart prayers of a devoted mom.

- Love sacrificially. I have watched in amazement over the years as time and again Lisa has set aside her interests and put the children first. Whether it be saving the last piece of cake or taking a smaller portion of a meal, or giving time she simply did not have, she has always put the children first.

- Are available. Lisa has stayed up late, gotten up early and set aside her own agenda day after day. She has always been there. Our children have grown up secure because of Lisa, their safety net, hiding place and comforter.

- Laugh and play. One of the greatest joys of my life is hearing the laughter of my wife and children. Lisa is the queen of delight, finding joy in who are children are and what they do.

- Love their husbands. I realize not all husbands are lovable, and many are not even around to love. But Lisa's love has helped me be a better father. I would have been a failure without her.

There are no words and no greeting cards that can adequately express the impact a good mother can have on her children. I will just say that a good mother is truly a gift from God.

- Bart

Stupidity. A Basic American Right.

I can be stupid. It is my right as an American. I can do stupid things and say stupid things whenever I want to. I could walk up to Floyd Merriweather and call him an ugly wife-beater if I wanted to. If he then added “ugly Bart-beater” to his resume he would be arrested for assaulting me. The fact that I was an idiot for provoking him would not matter at all. This is America, and we value the rights of idiots.

Valuing and protecting the rights of people to say stupid things is a part of our history and it is enshrined in case law. Don’t believe me? Consider-

Skokie, Illinois had a unique demography in 1977. A town of 70,000 people, over 40,000 of its residents were of Jewish descent. A large number of them, perhaps over 10,000, were survivors of German concentration camps. Given these facts, promoting Nazi ideals or displaying a swastika in Skokie would be undeniably stupid and offensive. Enter Frank Collins, an undeniably stupid and offensive man. The president of the National Socialist Party of America, he applied for a permit to have a group of Nazis march in Skokie, complete with swastika armbands.

City officials determined that such a march would be hurtful to its residents, so many of whom had been personally harmed by Nazi Germany. City residents were planning a counter protest expected to include over 10,000 people and there was a fear violence might erupt. Officials denied the permit.

Frank Collins and his band of idiots appealed the denial all the way up to the Supreme Court of the United States. Frank Collins won his appeal. In the United States individuals are free to say terrible things.

The Westboro Baptist Church is a congregation of fools poorly named. Their actions are inconsistent with the Baptist faith and any traditional definition of what a church is or should do. The small church has built its reputation staging protests and picketing military funerals with signs declaring “God Hates Fags,” “Pray for More Dead Soldiers” and other inflammatory slogans. In 2006 they picketed the funeral of Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder, a young soldier who had been killed in an accident in Iraq. For his family, the Westboro signs were more than they could bear. Determined that no other family be forced to have their mourning similarly defiled they filed suit against the church.

Their case also found its way to the Supreme Court. Many briefs were submitted and statements made in support of the family’s position. The belief that the Westboro speech was idiotic and offensive seemed to be universally held. While the Supreme Court seemed to share that belief, they ruled against the family. In the United States individuals are free to say terrible and stupid things.

Stupid speech has again entered the national debate in the wake of the recent shootings in Garland, Texas. Pamela Geller and others hosted a contest for the best cartoon of Mohammed. It is common knowledge that this is offensive to many Muslims and that their faith bans any images of Mohammed. A number of terror attacks around the world have been carried out against people who have drawn such cartoons, most notably the attacks on the offices of Charlie Hebdo in Paris four months ago.

Given the fact that such cartoons have been known to result in a violent response many pundits and commentators have attacked Ms. Geller and her associates, calling them foolish and stupid. Many have come out and said that the concept of free speech was never intended to allow such foolishness.

I am of the opposite opinion. I believe that free speech is intended and created specifically to allow such foolishness. The alternative is frightening. If we in America decide that some speech is too stupid and inflammatory to protect we will lose free speech entirely. Overlooked by those who would support limits that would prevent speech such as that seen in Skokie, Westboro and Garland is a key question. If a line is to be drawn, who will draw it and where will it be drawn?

I have no doubt that such a line, once drawn, would move over time. If the definition of offensive speech is established by the majority then minority speech will disappear. As a man of faith, I am certain that in our increasingly secular culture we would see religious speech curtailed over time. This has already happened in Canada, where their Supreme Court has ruled that preaching that the bible condemns homosexual behavior constitutes a hate crime.

We need to be careful. Throughout history many bad things have been done with the best of intentions. Limiting stupid and offensive speech would be a bad thing. The response to "bad" speech cannot be violence or legal restraint. Pamela Geller understands this and I believe this was the reason she held the event, that she was saying, "We need to be a nation where we endorse free speech regardless of the risk, we will not be intimidated." The fact that some may consider her actions foolhardy does not alter the reality of the world in which we live. If we limit our speech out of fear of violence, violent people win , violent responses will increase, and speech will be further restricted. If we limit speech because others may be hurt or offended, the perpetually aggrieved will win, and more and more speech will be found offensive and in need of suppression. When that happens, we all lose.

-          Bart

I typically avoid political posts, but as there is nothing partisan in the post I felt it was appropriate. As always, comments and questions are welcome.

Caught in the Act. Calling out Hypocrisy

He was a new patient who had been referred to me by his girlfriend. As we introduced ourselves we talked briefly about their relationship and how long they had been together. He told me they were serious and had been living together for a while. As we spoke the conversation turned to her recent diagnosis of a severely abnormal PAP smear. I asked if she was worried or stressed out by the news.

“Not at all!” he replied, “When she came home and told me I laid hands on her and we prayed for healing, so we know everything will be all right.”

Remarkably he did not catch the irony in his words. Unremarkably, I did and pointed it out with a question. “May I ask you something?” I asked. He nodded affirmatively. “How is it that your faith is strong enough to cause you to pray for her healing  but not strong enough to keep you out of her pants?”

He did not respond immediately and I thought he might be angry. He paused for a moment and said, “You got me doc. I don’t have an answer.” I told him that it was interesting to me that without knowing of my faith (I had made no mention of it up to this point) he had so openly declared to me both his strong faith and his decision to reject one of its central moral teachings. “Something to consider,” I said and moved on to his reason for coming in.

I wish I could say that stories like this are rare but they are not. I frequently encounter individuals who speak openly about what they believe yet are equally open about behaviors and actions that are contrary to their faith. In these circumstances it is not the moral failings that surprise me, for all of us struggle every day. It is the lack of shame and remorse about their sin that is disturbing. Somehow the Biblical teaching about sin and its consequences has been overlooked or ignored. How does this happen?

I wonder if it might be the result of churches focusing on attendance numbers as a sign of God’s favor and blessing. When numbers become the focus there is a danger of altering the message to improve its appeal. Change is hard and repentance is an uncomfortable concept so sin is de-emphasized and acceptance becomes the message. “God loves you just as you are!” is proclaimed but the rest of the truth, that because we are broken sinners God desires to transform us, is downplayed if it is taught at all.

While many Christians may not be aware of this weak commitment to the whole Gospel, the contradiction it represents is readily apparent to those outside the church. When we emphasize the sin of those who do not share our faith and neglect our own sin we come across as hypocritical, shallow and unbelieving.

The solution to this problem is simple. Churches and pastors need to return to the teaching of the whole Gospel, the Good News that we are saved from our sin that we may sin no longer, that we are no longer slaves to our desires but freed to live as Children of God. When confronted with the truth about our sins and failings we need to address them and change. The turning away from sin is a powerful testimony.

The patient in the story did just that. When he returned for a follow up visit just a few months away he had a ring on his hand and a smile on his face! He was a hypocrite no more!

-          Bart

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A Little Boy's Birthday, A Mother's Suicide

On their birthdays, nine year-old little boys should not come home from school and find their mother dead. John did.

I met John when he was in his early twenties. My church had decided to rent a large home in a local neighborhood and open it up to young men who were homeless and needed a fresh start. My best friend was put in charge of the ministry and he invited me to come along and help. I cooked and cleaned and supervised the house when he was gone. I was only 19 but I was committed and responsible. I was also ill equipped and unprepared for men like John.

John was down on his luck, jobless and out of money when someone from the church happened to meet him. The home had just opened and the church member thought we could help John get back on his feet so he brought him by. We sat down with John, told him the house rules and agreed to let him stay. It did not take long for me to learn John’s story and discover how difficult his past had been and how challenging the road ahead was going to be.

On John’s 9th birthday he had come home from school and found his mother in the garage, hanging by her neck from the rafters. She had committed suicide. Happy Birthday John. The remainder of John’s childhood involved temporary homes and terrible insecurity. He did not receive the counseling and love he needed and his young life was filled with more emotional pain than he could handle. When he became a teen he took solace in drugs and they ravaged his body. His gaunt, pale and pock-marked face declared to the world that he was someone who was unhealthy both inside and out. He lacked social skills, job skills and self-discipline.

John was a talker and we spent many late evenings together in conversation. Whenever we talked about the future, about what he would need to do to make a life for himself, he would turn the conversation to the tragedy of his past. It was as if he was saying that it was impossible for someone with his past to ever succeed in life, as if what his mother had done had sealed his destiny. It seemed he thought he was supposed to fail and that as a result any effort he made to succeed, any attempt at normalcy, every job interview and each day of sobriety, was to be praised and celebrated. He craved the unconditional love that he had been denied as a child.

Unfortunately for John, each small step forward was typically accompanied by a stumble or a fall. It was difficult to give him the praise he desired and desperately needed as it would have required us to ignore behaviors that were harmful. He needed so much more than we were able to give. Eventually he left, unable to keep a job our follow the rules. I do not know if he ever turned his life around.

Looking back, I think our church leadership was naïve in its approach to the ministry. It was as if they believed that all troubled young men needed was a place to live and Jesus. The thinking seemed to be that if they had a bed to sleep in, food to eat and a Bible to read that all would be okay. There was no talk of providing professional counseling or 12-step programs, no concept of the years it would take for someone like John to change and grow. We had good hearts and intentions but lacked the training and expertise.

In spite of our inadequacies it was not the church’s fault that John did not succeed. We did give him a chance he otherwise would not have had. He was given some good advice and an opportunity to change yet because of his troubled past he was unwilling or unable to listen to and receive the counsel of others. In spite of the reality that all of his choices had resulted in disastrous outcomes he continued to make his choices alone, refused to submit to the leadership of others. He could not fully trust others and trusting himself was futile. He needed so much more than we could give and needed to do so much more than he was willing.

I will never forget John and the lessons he taught me. I have encountered many “Johns” in my 20 years of practice, men and women with terrible pasts who face terrible futures. I still struggle to find a way to encourage them to get the help they need and still mourn when I see them make bad decisions. Whenever I counsel people like John I am reminded of how crucial love and direction are early in life, how children need to be taught to be healthy. Without a healthy foundation a healthy life is hard to build.

-          Bart

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Where Have the Good Men Gone?

“All that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing,” so said the great English politician Edmund Burke. Recent events have proven his words as true now as they were over 200 years ago.

DEA agents stationed overseas were found to have been engaging in sex parties funded by drug cartels. Over a period of at least five years agents repeatedly threw caution to the wind and participated in lascivious parties held in buildings leased by the US government. At least seven agents were directly involved in the misconduct with many others involved in covering up the behavior. Supervisors were made aware of their behavior but chose to ignore it. When news of the misconduct came to light  DEA officials obstructed the investigation.

Hearing the story I found myself asking, “Where were the good men?” If just one person had taken a stand and spoken up about the wrongdoing the problem could have been handled quickly, harm prevented and embarrassment avoided. No one did.

In Atlanta, the city has been torn apart by a scandal that has rocked its largest school district. 34 educators either plead guilty or were convicted of racketeering in a  6 year scheme to fraudulently raise standardized test scores. Investigators found evidence of cheating by 180 educators in 44 schools. As bonuses were handed out based on student performance on the exams the teachers and administrators received thousands of dollars from the government for their lies.

Hearing of a scandal this widespread and involving so many people I find myself asking, “Where were the good people?” Was there not one person who had the courage to stand up and say, “This is wrong!” It seems no one did.

Courage is required because standing against the crowd is risky. Rejection, anger and isolation may await, there is a chance that one will not be heard, that pain may come and change may not. Faced with such personal danger, where can one find the courage to stand?

It must come both from within us and beyond us. To stand we must have a deep rooted conviction within ourselves that evil cannot be allowed to win out. We must have faith that there is a God who sees and who will ultimately judge men according to their works. Only then will we be able to speak out. Only then will we see good men and women rise up against evil. In a world where values are disappearing the need for a few good men has never been greater.

- Bart

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