Life is not working out the way I planned. I had my knee replaced in February and my plan was to start going on long hikes and bike rides, to spend time with Lisa.. The plan lasted less than three weeks. My recovery was then interrupted by unexplained severe nerve pain in both legs. The pain is worse with exercise, so I am more limited than I was before the surgery,
It doesn’t make sense to me. I have seen 10 different doctors, had MRIs, epidurals, injections, and even a surgical procedure to deaden the nerves. I have had dozens of long talks with God, asking Him why I am so limited, begging him for relief, praying that I will gain a reprieve that will allow me to again live a normal life. It has been nearly 9 months now, and I do not have an answer.
How could this be His plan? Why would He have me go through so much, only to fail in the end? It doesn’t make sense.
I wonder if the Apostle James had similar feelings and thoughts at the end of his life. He was one of Jesus’ closest friends, one of the three who were always with him in crucial moments. He observed miraculous healings, saw Jesus in His glory on the Mount of Transfiguration, and was near him during Jesus’ final prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane. After Jesus ascended to heaven and the Holy Spirit had empowered the disciples on the day of Pentecost, James must have been prepared to do great works in the name of Christ.
It seems James didn’t. While the book of Acts records great deeds done by his brother John and his friend Peter, the other two-thirds of Jesus’ trio of closest friends, there are no stories of James. In the gospels the three seemed inseparable (It was always Peter, James and John) in Acts we only read of Peter and John together.
The only mention of James comes in Acts 12-
“It was about this time that King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church, intending to persecute them. He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword.”
That’s it. Three years with Jesus, of intense training and even miraculous deeds, seemingly all for naught. James ends up as nothing more than a footnote to the story.
How could this be God’s plan?
Why would God invest so much into someone with no visible return?
I wonder the same things for my life. I have worked so hard to be healthy, to be free of pain, to have the energy to write and teach and serve, and to be there for my family. As of now, I struggle to get through each day. How is this God’s plan?
I do not know the answer. What I do know is that I have a choice. I can choose to trust God fully and rest in the knowledge that my eternal life is secure, or I can focus on the pain of this life and give in to doubt.
It is not easy, but I choose to trust.
Bart