Quitters Make Terrible Lovers

I come from a family of quitters. Especially in relationships. In the Barrett family the tradition is when someone doesn’t do what you want, you cut them off. Forget about second chances or forgiveness. If you fail to meet expectations or cross the line, if you hurt someone, you are done.

This is how I did not speak to my father for 20 years. My father was offended by something I said so he cut me off. Over the years there was no contact, no communication. There were no change of address forms or Christmas cards. I did not even know how to reach him. I was nothing to him. I was not worthy of his time or his love.

My mom was similar. She was an alcoholic who eventually drank herself to death. 6 years before her death I called her when one evening when she was drunk. After that very uncomfortable conversation I decided not to chance initiating conversations in the future. I told her that she was welcome to call me at any time when she was sober but that I did not want to call her for fear that I would again catch her under the influence. 5 years went by before we spoke again, and we only spoke a total of two more times before she died.

My relationships with my three brothers have followed the family theme. I did not see or speak to one brother for 20 years, and another has not talked to me for the last two. The other brother has also shunned me at times, going for months without communicating, at one time telling me that he did not need people like me in his life. Turning away when hurt or offended seems to be the Barrett way.

My wife’s family is not like this at all. Her relationships with her sisters are not perfect and have seen their share of hurts and slights, there have been blow ups and arguments and disagreements, but no one has been cut off or left behind, and the sisters have always been sisters. Forgiveness and acceptance are more the norm.

The different attitudes about family relationships can be traced back to our parents. My mother was married four times, with each marriage punctuated with periods of separation before the ultimate divorces. My father was married three times, with all of them ending in divorce as well. My mother died estranged from her children, my father lives in a nursing home somewhere in Louisiana and has not seen any of his children in many years.Lisa’s mom and dad were married for over 50 years. There kids were not perfect and there were difficulties and arguments, struggles and pain, but their relationship endured. Theirs was a relationship that seemed to grow in difficult times, a commitment that never wavered or wobbled. They were truly a rock, immovable, unshakeable and untouched by any storm life could bring.

The difference in our families is love, in particular an aspect of love described by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 , “Love always endures.”

Lisa came from a family characterized by love, a love that was not and is not dependent on circumstances. Regardless of what life brings, in the morning love will remain. For my family, love was conditional and temporary.

By the grace of God Lisa and I have been blessed with enduring love in our home. We have been able to make her family heritage our family heritage, building a family with a sense of permanence in our relationships. My children sleep well each night knowing that as long as we live, their Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad, will always be Husband and Wife, and will never quit on them or on one another. Love does this.

While there is no question that God wants this type of love to characterize our families, we need to remember that God wants this type of love to characterize our churches as well. Paul wrote his instructions to a church that struggled with politics and division, and his words were intended to correct their lack of commitment to one another. His words apply to our faith communities today as well. We are called to love one another with an unconditional love, with a love that endures and is not shaken or diminished with time. We will be hurt, let down and disappointed by others, but through it all there should be love.

• Bart

PS: I am now talking again to the brother from whom I was estranged for 20 years. We are working on forgiveness, understanding and rebuilding a relationship. Love does that too!

This is part 12 in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13.

Unbelievable Love? You Better Believe it!

Cher asked the question, "Do You Believe in Love?", The Loving Spoonful asked, "Do You Believe in Magic?" A better question is, "Do You Love Enough to Believe?"

I made a lot of mistakes as a child. I am remarkably absent minded and frequently failed in the simplest of tasks. I was (and am) easily distracted and often only made it halfway through a chore before moving on. Some parents might have laughed and thought it was cute. Not mine. To my parents my failure to successfully complete a task was a sign of disrespect that deserved punishment. I was in trouble a lot. Because my attitude was always under attack I struggled with self esteem issues.

I accepted much of my parent's assessment of my ineptitude and as a result I had did not deal with failure well at all. Every roadblock, every speed bump, was not something to be overcome but instead was a verification that I should not have tried in the first place. I think this is the reason that in my high school years I tried out for many teams but quit when I did not achieve early success. There was no one around to tell me, "It's okay, you can do it!"

This self doubt had a profound impact on my academic and career goals as well. Every grade that was not an "A" was a failure, a sign that I was not good enough to truly succeed. For this reason a career as a doctor did not even seem possible to me. To be a doctor you had to be REALLY smart, and I knew I wasn't.

My attitude began to change in my first full year of community college. I was taking a course in human anatomy and there was a lab every week. There was a quiz or a test every lab session, and there were several weeks in a row in which I achieved a perfect score. About halfway through the stretch the professor began to take an interest in me. Each week he would walk up and casually say, "You going to go to med school?"

"I can't go to med school," I replied

"You should go to med school," was his weekly response. By the end of the course I was asking myself, "Should I go to med school?" His belief in me made me begin to believe in myself.

I am certain I would never have pursued medicine if it were not for something else that happened that semester. That was the semester I met Lisa. Lisa not only loved me, she believed in me. She believed in my character and in my heart, and did not allow any mistakes or slip ups to alter her confidence in me. He love and her belief helped me overcome my fear of failure and pursue loftier goals.

This is what love does. The Apostle Paul wrote that "Love believes all things." The Greek word translated "belief" means to "have faith in", to "trust". This is what love does, it looks beyond the externals and into the heart, believing that the person has a heart and has value.

Paul wrote his words to a church, instructing them that they were to love one another in this way. It is as if he was telling them, "People are knuckleheads and they will do some seemingly dumb stuff, and will even hurt you at times. Trust their intentions, believe in the desire of their heart to do right. This is what love does."

This is a wonderful way to respond to others but it is not easy. People we care about will hurt us and let us down. If we say we love them, we will need to believe in them.

- Bart

This is the 11th post in a series on love based on 1 Corinthians 13. If these posts have been helpful in any way, please share them with a friend. (It isn't hard, all you have to do is click a mouse!) As a reminder, remember you can have all posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog, which is also just a mouse click away!

Parenting Teenagers Stinks, and 7 other things I learned while blogging

You can learn a lot about people by what they read online. For reasons that are not entirely clear to me a significant number of people actually read what I write. Thousands of people to be exact, which is pretty amazing. A quick visit to Google analytics revealed what posts they read and lead me to reach some very non-scientific conclusions-

1-      People struggle with parenting teenagers. It was just my 8th post, but my post “5 principles for parenting a teenager” took off and has been viewed 2,644 times. It was shared on Facebook by people and physicians around the country, which tells me that there are a lot of parents looking for help. I hope they found some in the blog.

2-      Marriage still matters. It matters enough that posts on marriage, “6 Things a Married Person should Never Do” and “Don’t Make this Mistake in Marriage” were the two of the top three posts for the year.

3-      Sex still sells. My post on “Why Have Sex” comes in at number 5 on my most viewed list.

4-      Shared suffering resonates with people. My posts on being disowned by my father and being abused as a child both were in the top 10.

5-      I am terrible at predicting what posts will attract interest. I thought some of my post titles were really clever and would attract a lot of interest, only to see them get almost no notice at all. Two of my personal favorites were “Is Your Church as Good as a Bar” and “Great Advice from Wheel of Fortune.” Both were seen by fewer than 50 people and did not even crack the top 100 of the year!

6-      The Blog has allowed me to help people in ways I never dreamed. A woman from Chicago sent me a heart-breaking message about her dad after reading my post on being disowned. We exchanged several emails and I was able to help her with her perspective.

7-      The blog has truly gone around the globe. Canada, The United Kingdom, Brazil, Egypt, Australia, India, Belgium, Japan and the Philippines are among the countries that had at least 30 different visits to the site. Amazing!

8-      The ability to have an impact through a blog is remarkable. In the first year 17,439 users have totaled 23,948 visits. Very humbling indeed!

Thanks to all who have read the blog, and a special thanks to all who have shared it with their friends. I am especially thankful for those who take the time to comment or share their thoughts. So often I think about quitting, wondering if it is worth the effort, without fail it is then that a kind word comes.

Here is hoping for a successful second year!

Bart 

A Doctor with Serious ADD Issues...

Some people say I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I think it is more information overload. My brain is continually filled to overflowing, swirling and churning with thoughts and ideas. So much so that my employees tell me there are times when I walk away in the middle of a conversation. They say something, I give a reply, and then I walk away when they start to respond. Like a dog who sees a squirrel something grabs my attention and off I go. I am oblivious.

This behavior is rather embarrassing and can lead to harm in relationships. It would be easy for my staff to get hurt feelings, call me a jerk and then complain to others about what an insensitive boss they had. They could use their knowledge of this behavioral flaw to embarrass me. They could, but my current employees don’t.

They do the opposite. Because they know my heart and my desire to do the right thing they not only overlook this fault, they actually take steps to counteract any harm. They cover me and protect me, they have my back. When we have new employees or students in the office they warn them, “Dr. Barrett can be a little ADD at times. It is hysterical, but sometimes he will turn and walk away in the middle of a conversation. Don’t be offended, it’s just him!”

This is what people do when they care about someone. They cover over the flaws of others and protect their weaknesses.

Paul addressed this, saying “Love always protects.” One way to interpret his words is to say that like a roof, love always covers.

This is a characteristic of healthy relationships and particularly of healthy marriages. We look out for one another and step up to defend and protect one another. We do not take advantage of our knowledge of weaknesses to make ourselves look good, instead we intentionally act to keep others safe.

While this is important to do in marriage, it is important in all of our relationships, in our families, our work relationships, our church relationships and friendships. It is not easy, it can be risky, but it is what love does. This raises the question- Are you a protector?

- Bart

This post is the 10th in a series on love, taken from the Bible passage 1 Corinthians 13. Since all of us need to be more loving, consider sharing these blog posts with your friends.

Unhappy Love... Love Part 9

Sometimes it is impossible for me to be happy for others. Not because I am a selfish and uncaring pig, (although at times I can be) but because they are happy about something that I can’t be.

I think of the Christian friend who was excited about being asked to lead a Bible study, I wanted to rejoice with him, but the knowledge that just a year earlier he had been repeatedly unfaithful to his wife, had serious problems with finances and debt and that he still had questionable theology made it rather difficult to be happy!

There have been many times when weddings brought me sadness. Marriages like my mother's third, which paired two people who had not dealt with the mental illness or substance abuse that had caused the previous relationships to fail, or others where a Christian had abandoned their values and beliefs and married outside their faith. They wanted me to be happy for them, but as a person for whom faith is a priority I could not.

This is the reality for people who are true Christians. There are things that other people will rejoice in and celebrate that will make us sad. On these occasions those outside the faith are apt to call us mean and judgmental, to claim that we are prejudiced, bigoted and unloving.

According to the Apostle Paul the opposite is true. Sometimes not rejoicing with others is the embodiment of love! Paul wrote, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” This words had deep meaning to Paul's audience, as earlier in his letter to Corinth he had given them rather stern correction.  In the first verses of 1 Corinthians 5 he wrote, “I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother.You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.” 1 Corinthians 5:1-2 NLT

The church apparently was proud of themselves for being tolerant and accepting! Instead of realizing the truth that there are behaviors that are contrary to God’s law and harmful to those who engage in them, instead of correcting someone whose life was a moral train wreck, they were acting as if everything was okay! Paul, as someone who truly loved the church, would have none of it. He held them accountable. Paul made it clear that love does not accept everything or rejoice in everything. Love rejoices in the truth.

Something to consider! Here is hoping we will love others enough to be truthful!

-          Bart

This is the 9th post in a series on the definitions of love given in the New Testament book of 1 Corinthians. If you have a story of a time loving someone required you to make a stand, let me know in the comments! I ask you to remember that the only way others know about this blog is if you share it!