Sex, Marriage and Waiting. Adultery Part 3

I have seen in my medical practice the emotional pain that results from broken sexual relationships. The damage I have observed supports the idea that the sexual bond is exclusively designed for marriage. The oneness of flesh created by a sexual union is meant to endure. When couples break the bond much harm is done. 

I have seen many young people troubled with the intense emotional pain brought on by the loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend who had been their first sexual partner. When they are mature enough to be able to express themselves they have told me of the profound sense of loss. Deep sadness came when they realized that they had given away something they had hoped to share with their life’s one true love. Many times they had given themselves away in the belief that they had found their soul mate, only to discover they had lost something they could never get back. 

One particular young lady comes to mind. I can recall the visit when she shared her grief. Then twenty-one, she had just been dumped by her boyfriend of the previous five years. He had been her first and only sexual relationship. To her, that was something special. She had thought that he was her life mate, her future husband; yet now that was clearly not to be. She felt used, shamed, and less womanly. She thought she was damaged and less attractive to other men. She had fallen into a major depression that was worsened by an associated anxiety disorder. She required significant doses of medication just to function each day. 

The medication helped her get through each day, but it did not deaden the emotional pain she was suffering. Her emotional pain left her with two choices. She could acknowledge the truth that she had made a serious error in giving herself to her boyfriend, or she could tell herself that sexual relationships were normal when dating and therefore no cause for shame. She knew the truth and was struggling with its ramifications. She had made a grave mistake, one that could be forgiven yet never undone. 

This young woman’s loss illustrates the seriousness of sexual immorality prior to marriage. When people give themselves away before marriage, their future marriage loses a degree of intimacy. A secret told to many people isn’t really a secret, and when the most intimate act known to mankind is shared with many people, it loses some of its power. I have seen many promiscuous individuals who were later unable to sustain intimate relationships. The powerful bond intended by God was so weakened by casual sex that it appeared lost forever. Waiting is important!

- Bart

This is the third of an 8-part weekly series on Adultery and Faithfulness taken from my book on the 10 Commandments, Life Medicine. You can have the future posts delivered straight to you email inbox by subscribing to the blog, just click on the link. I am currently teaching through the book at a church in Fullerton. Videos of the lessons are available at my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett . 

Preaching Grace at 80

We live in a culture that worships youth and vitality and that devalues the wisdom and experience of our elders. Many churches have responded to the culture by hiring younger pastors, embracing contemporary music and emphasizing ministries that appeal to society. Sermons emphasize the need to perform community service and meet the needs of our neighbors. Topics such as sin and repentance, considered unappealing to the young, are seldom mentioned and evangelism, actually talking to people outside the church about faith, is a footnote to the church’s social justice agenda.

Chuck Swindoll stands out in stark contrast to the youth movement that has invaded the church. A nationally known pastor and Bible teacher, he is approaching his 81st birthday with no plans of retiring from the ministry. He continues to preach on a regular basis in the church he began in Frisco, Texas at the age of 64, launching a new ministry at an age when most others would be looking for the exit.

Chuck was the senior pastor at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California for 23 years. I had the privilege of sitting under his teaching for 13 of those years. From Chuck I learned innumerable lessons including the importance of Scripture. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was also being taught how to preach. The hundreds of sermons I heard from Chuck taught me how to think about the Bible, how to organize my thoughts and how to apply lessons of Scripture to daily life. When he left Fullerton to lead a seminary in Dallas it was a sad day for me.

Chuck returned to Fullerton on Sunday, the guest speaker for the worship service celebrating the Fullerton church’s 60th anniversary. It was an emotional service for me. Sitting next to me was the wife I had met at that very church and our two children, whose child dedication ceremonies had been led by Pastor Swindoll so many years earlier. It was the first time my children had heard him speak.

During the message Chuck related a story of Howie Stevenson, the man who served at his side as worship pastor for 20 of his 23 years in Fullerton. Chuck told us that each Sunday before he would rise to speak Howie would lean to him over and quietly say, “Preach Grace.”

The message Chuck preached on Sunday was a beautiful sermon from Isaiah 6, a passage where the prophet shares a vision he had of God in His infinite glory. As only he can, Chuck took the congregation into the vision and reminded us of the awesomeness of God. The response of Isaiah to this vision of God’s holiness was to feel the weight of his sin and shame. Isaiah was completely undone by the realization that God is Holy and that he was wretched and sinful.

Then Chuck preached grace. He read the verses describing an angel touching Isaiah’s profane and unclean lips with a hot coal, burning away the sin, taking away his iniquity and bringing forgiveness. Isaiah was wretched, God was Holy, and in His grace, Holy God took away His sin.

We were deeply moved by the message. After the service my 25 year-old son, member of the modern church’s targeted demographic, said to us, “I would pay to hear preaching like that!”

That morning was a wonderful reminder of what matters in life. In addition to being reminded anew of the amazing truth that a Holy God loves and forgives a sinful man like me I was encouraged by the fact that God is not done with me yet. If God can use a man in his eighties to touch the heart of a man in his twenties, there is hope yet for me.

- Bart

You can listen to Chuck's message here . More of his messages can be found at www.insight.org.

The Search for Peace

She was tired. After years of being overlooked, patronized and ignored she had reached the breaking point. She didn’t believe in divorce but she couldn't bear the thought of living forever with a man who did not seem to respect or love her. She knew the Bible talked about husbands loving their wives as Christ loved the church and she longed for this from her husband. He had promised her this love many times but the promises were empty, his behavior never changed. Her life was in turmoil and her home was in constant conflict. She wanted peace. She hadn’t felt it in so long.

She finally decided that enough was enough. She was done. She told her husband that their marriage was over, that she was leaving. As the words left her mouth she felt something she had not felt in a long time, peace. She felt calm, even a sense of hope. In that peace and calmness she felt as if God was confirming her decision, that she had finally found what she was looking for.

She was wrong. She felt peace and calm but it was not from God. Like so many others in similarly difficult circumstances she fundamentally misunderstood the Biblical concept of peace.

When people define peace they typically think in terms of life circumstances or mental state. We think of peace as the absence of conflict or as a state of mental calm. We agree with the dictionary.com definition: “freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety; tranquility; serenity.” When stress is absent, peace exists.

When we seek this type of peace we will be tempted to leave stressful circumstances, to avoid conflict and to walk away from difficult relationships. When we do walk away we will, for a while, feel a sense of relief. But is that peace? Is this what God wants for us?

In seeking to understand the peace that God brings it is wise to see how He describes it. Just before He was crucified, Jesus promised peace to His followers-

 “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.” John 14:27

He was describing a peace that was different from the peace given by the world, both in its permanence and essence. It is helpful to remember the events that followed Jesus’ words. Within hours Jesus was arrested and His followers were scattered. 6 weeks later, after His resurrection, some of His followers were arrested and beaten for their faith. Within a short time these same disciples were being put to death as religious outlaws. Not exactly how people typically define peace!

The Apostle Paul later wrote that we should not be anxious, but that we should instead pray, and that the result would be that “the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Paul says that God’s peace surpasses all comprehension. The peace that people feel when they leave a difficult relationship, avoid a problem or walk away from a challenge is not beyond comprehension, it is perfectly understandable. It is not a stretch then to say that if the peace experienced is  predictable and understandable, it may not be from God. It definitely should not be cited as confirmation of God’s will!

My prayer for the woman in the difficult marriage is that she will learn to seek the peace of God. A peace that results not from the absence of difficulty in life but rather a peace that sustains in the midst of our difficulties. God’s peace comes from our relationship with Him, not from our relationships with others. God’s peace comes from doing the right and difficult things, in knowing that our lives please Him. This peace is not dependent in any way on  circumstances, which means it is available to everyone in every moment.

-          Bart

Lacking peace? Under stress? I would love to pray for you. Feel free to send me a message through the contact page on this site. Know someone who needs to hear these words? Click the share button to share the post with others. You can have posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog, or follow me on twitter@bartbarrettmd.

An Offer of Prayer, Rescinded

When she offered the prayer I was both surprised and touched. When she took back the offer I was amazed.

The patient was a sweet Christian woman in her 80’s. She and her husband were in together for a medical visit and they had noticed the brace on my knee. I explained that it was due to arthritis and was worn to help relieve pain.  She instantly made the prayer offer, "Oh doctor, may we pray for you?"

“Sure” I replied. I felt a little awkward, but I thought, "why not?" 

“If we pray will you believe that God will heal you?” was her next question.

“I believe He can heal me,” I replied, “I do not think He will, but you are welcome to pray.”

“Well, if you don’t believe then there is no reason for us to pray for you,” and with that the offer was rescinded!

I was taken aback by her response. She actually believed that God’s response was totally dependent on me! I saw no point in arguing (and for once in my life didn’t) but I was saddened nonetheless. I wondered how many times in her life she had blamed herself for unanswered prayer, how many times she had thought that if she had just believed a little bit more that God would have answered.

There are many things about my faith that I do not fully understand but I am certain that God does not act according to my wishes and to the limits of my faith. I do not control Him and He is not bound by me. I pray and ask for His blessings and for Him to relieve my pain, resting in the knowledge that He is able to heal me and trusting in His ability to sustain me if healing is not His plan. He has shaped me and molded me through each challenge in life and I have learned that sometimes, pain can bring good things.

But you can still pray that God will take mine away!

-          Bart

Thanks for reading. I post 2-3 times a week on topics of faith, medicine and life in general. You can have posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog and comments and questions are always welcomed. You can also follow me on twitter @bartbarrettmd.

Why Pastors And Leaders Don't Get Fired. Even When They Should

It is always hard to address failure. When the person failing is the leader of a church it is even harder. As painful as it can be to confront a leader, the pain of ignoring a problem is almost always worse.

I read with sadness recently the reports on the demise of Mars Hill Church, a massive church in the Seattle area. The church welcomed over 12,000 attendees each Sunday to its services at 15 different venues in the city and surrounding communities and its Pastor, Mark Driscoll, was somewhat of a celebrity in evangelical circles. The church seemed to be growing and successful. Members were understandably shocked when the announcement came in the fall of 2014 that Driscoll was resigning and the church would cease to exist in its existing structure. The organization dissolved, and what was once one church with 15 locations fractured into 11 independent churches. Mark Driscoll was out of a job.

While the news caught most people off guard, it was not a surprise to those who were in the know. It seems Mark Driscoll was not a very nice man. While charismatic and gifted as a speaker, church leaders revealed that he was mean-spirited, domineering and profane in his dealings with other church leaders and members. He lacked the personal character required of those in his role. When his inevitable fall from grace came he took the church down with him. The fault was not only Driscoll's. The elders of the church tolerated the intolerable for too long and their unwillingness to act irreparably harmed the church.

Reading of the tragedy of Mars Hill leads me to reflect on why it is that churches and other organizations select, tolerate and even enable dysfunctional leadership. The fiasco of Mars Hill is not an isolated event. In my years in ministry and medical practice I have observed many men who were not qualified to lead be allowed to continue in their roles unchecked and undisciplined. The list of pastoral wrong doings of which I am personally aware includes foul language, arrests, sexual indiscretions, recurrent gossip, bullying of staff, and misuse of church funds. The list of professional malfeasance in secular organizations is even longer.  In the majority of circumstances the pastors continued in ministry and leaders continued in their roles without significant consequences. When I consider the cases of which I am aware I see a number of recurrent problems. While I specifically address the role of senior pastors, the role with which I am most familiar, the issues and principles they represent apply not only to churches but to leaders in other large organizations as well. 

Problem #1-      A Culture of Celebrity.

We live in a world that makes pastors into stars. Mark Driscoll had a salary of over $500,000 a year and commanded speaking fees of over $15,000 per appearance. Even in smaller churches the pastor can become the center of the church community, the focus of the ministry. This can lead to a fear that the church could die if the pastor leaves. As a result sin is overlooked. As long as people are coming, the pastor is not confronted. When the pastor is the focus, focus is lost. 

The Solution-  Churches need to guard against making one man the focus. This danger is increased with multi-campus churches that broadcast one pastor's preaching into multiple venues. It can be addressed by having other men assume more visible leadership roles, and by making character a priority. Talent is no substitute for character.

2-      Weak Leadership.

Elders (or governing boards) are supposed to be overseers, shepherds who guard the flock. Men in this position may at times be required to confront those who are in error. In many churches elders are poorly suited for this aspect of the job. They are often chosen or elected because they are nurturing and supportive by nature. In churches where Elders are elected there is a danger of selecting leaders who are more popular than they are firm in their convictions. 

The Solution- Churches should seek out men with proven records of character who have shown they can make difficult decisions.

3-      Change is Hard. And Risky.

No one wants to admit they are wrong, and it is not easy for leaders to admit to a congregation that they picked the wrong guy or that the right guy turned wrong. How do you explain to a church body that the man they have been listening to every Sunday is not the godly leader they thought he was? It is often easier to rationalize and ignore than deal with the fall out.

The Solution- Create a culture where self-assessment is expected. Periodic reviews of the ministry should be scheduled and results shared publicly. When self-correction is a part of the culture necessary change is less disruptive.

4-      Small Parts, Big Whole

Often times no single event is big enough to merit confronting the pastor. While multiple small events are at times indicative of a major character flaw, confrontation in such circumstances is more difficult. This can result in pastors who remain in their positions if infidelity is non-consummated, or whose bullying of staff is verbal but not physical. 

The Solution- Create a culture where leaders are expected to perform at the highest levels of personal conduct and where the truth that words and deeds reflect a man’s heart is embraced. Simple apologies should be rejected and replaced by definitive action plans and formal counseling.

5-      Misplaced Faith

We believe in a God who restores, redeems and rehabilitates. Leaders often feel that they need to give struggling pastors time to allow God to move. While this is true in most circumstances, when it comes to the senior pastor the bar can and should be higher.

The Solution- If the pastor needs significant rehabilitation he needs to step aside. There is a spiritual battle being waged and a weak general puts everyone at risk. Extending grace does not necessarily mean foregoing action.

This list could be much longer. It is my hope that pastors and leaders who read these words will be encouraged to stand up for their flocks and their faith. Scripture is filled with examples of people suffering due to the sins of their leaders. None of us want our church's story added to the list!

For those in leadership roles in other organizations the principles still apply. When we allow dysfunction to continue unchecked everyone suffers.

- Bart

Know a leader who needs to hear this message? Please consider sharing it. Comments or questions? I would love to hear them.