Dumped, Depressed and Discouraged? There is hope.

I got dumped on my 19th Birthday. I was devastated. Normally that would have been a good time to go to the leader of our college ministry for help and advice. I say normally because the week before the leader abruptly stepped down because of problems in his marriage. The Bible Study group had been the center of my life for 2 years, meeting twice a week. In a matter of just a few days I had no girlfriend, no college group and it seemed no hope. I didn't have much money as I only had a part-time job and I didn't have much of a future as I was not in college. As I looked at my life there was very little to feel good about. I was so depressed that every area of my life suffered. I am amazed I didn't lose my job as my performance was terrible. I was deeply discouraged and yet out of that experience came a lesson that has endured for the remainder of my life.

One day I was praying, explaining to God how miserable my life was (as if he did not already know!). As I prayed a question came to my mind, “Which one of these life events has taken Jesus down from his position in heaven and stuck Him back in the tomb?”

“None of them,” I answered myself.

Another question came to mind, “So what is your problem?”

In that moment I learned the most important way to deal with discouragement, the way emphasized by the writer of Hebrews 12. The most important way to avoid discouragement is to maintain a proper focus. The writer of Hebrews instructs us to “Fix our eye on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our Faith, who, for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame and sat down at the right hand of God.”

He tells us we are to look to Jesus, who:

• is the basis, the beginning, source and fulfillment of our faith.

• Models for us how to endure difficult times. Jesus did not focus on the sufferings of this life but instead of the eternal joy that lay ahead. He was able to go to the cross because He saw through the cross. By focusing on the eternal He was able to endure earthly suffering and rejection.

• Won an eternal victory. After the cross and resurrection, Jesus “sat down” at the right hand of God. His work was complete and the victory was sure.

I realized that my discouragement was in large part because when I looked at my life I was focusing on the wrong thing. This life is difficult, but this life is not all there is. Eternal life awaits those who trust in God. It will eventually get better. The glorious hope that belongs to those of faith is a powerful antidote to discouragement.

The antidote does not always work immediately, like antibiotics for an infection we may need to take the medicine for several days before it takes effect. But it does work!

This is the fifth post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Weary and Discouraged? Maybe You're a Jerk Like me!

When things don't go as we want or plan discouragement can quickly follow. It is easy to think that if we could change our circumstances our discouragement would go away. Unfortunately, changing our circumstances often requires that we change ourselves.

I want to be a great doctor. Good isn't good enough. I want to be the best and always have which is why for years patient satisfaction surveys were incredibly discouraging. I remember when I got my first survey results from the medical group. According to the survey I was average, smack dab in the middle of the pack. I was depressed. How could that be? I had worked so hard at doing everything right, harder than the doctors I worked with, but I scored lower. What happened?

What happened was that although I was practicing good medicine, consistently doing what was right for my patients and prescribing appropriate treatment, I was falling short in a key area.

I was a jerk.

Not intentionally, I actually cared about people. In spite of my caring I was at times arrogant and condescending . I knew the advice I was giving was correct so I did not have enough patience for patients who were fearful or uncertain, I a result I came across as brusque and uncaring . I loved medicine and I loved people, but the truth was I loved them a lot more when they agreed with me! When they didn't... well, not as much.

I could chalk up my poor scores to many things, but the core problem was me. I lacked true compassion and as a result did not listen and respond in a loving way. I had too high a view of myself and too low a view of others. For patient perceptions to improve, I needed to change. This was not easy, as pride and confidence in my opinion were deeply ingrained. Yet if my discouragement over my evaluations was going to end there was no choice. I needed to lay aside my pride, my sinful self-righteousness.

Turns out that the writer of the book of Hebrews figured this out long before I did. As he encouraged people to hang on and endure the trials of life he told them that to avoid spiritual weariness  they would need to throw away the thing that tripped them up, the sin that “clings so closely”.

We tend to blame God when we trip up, but it is never His fault. So often when I am discouraged the root cause is my own stupid sin. (Is there any other kind?)

About 5 years ago I started praying, purposefully and intentionally, that God would help me love my patients and be more kind. (It probably does not come as a surprise to anyone else, but I learned that listening and caring are a part of love and kindness!) God worked in my life by allowing me to become a patient myself, to struggle with anxiety and pain. I learned from my daughter as I watched her deal with health and emotional issues, seeing how hard she worked for baby steps of progress. With these new experiences came a change of heart that allowed me to throw aside my arrogance and pride and become a more caring physician. I still try to do the right thing in all circumstances and work hard to get my diagnosis and treatment plans correct, but now it is in the context of caring about patients and making sure their concerns are heard. I have changed

Once I laid aside my self-righteousness and sense of superiority, my survey results improved and my discouragement evaporated. For the last four years I have consistently rated in the top 10 percent of the doctors in my medical group.

How about that? So often it is when we insist on doing things our own way and hang on to sinful thoughts and behaviors that we get discouraged. The writer of Hebrews told us what we need to do in such situations. We need to throw these bad things away!  We need to change!

This is the fourth post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Do You Deserve a Parenting Award?

Think of the awards and recognition you have received in your life and why they were valuable. So often awards we labor for seem less important over time. Some of the best awards are ones we never expected and were never directly pursued.

As with many doctors, over the course of my education and career I have accumulated various accolades and awards. Some of them have pretty impressive titles, with words such as outstanding, best, and “of the year” emblazoned on them. Most of them, while meaningful when received, have been long forgotten by those who gave them.

This Christmas I was blessed with a unexpected recognition that has special value. In early December my 18 year-old daughter came to my wife and I one evening and announced the gift that topped her Christmas list- 2 tickets to see the pop boy band One Direction in concert. They are doing a show at the Rose Bowl on her birthday in September and the tickets were going on sale the following week.

"I want to go!" She said, and then she turned to me. "And Daddy I want you to go with me, because you will sing the songs with me and I think I will have more fun with you than anyone else!"

Pretty Awesome. I will take "One Direction Concert Partner" from my daughter over a medical award any day. Lots of doctors win medical awards. How many are their child's concert buddy? 

This is a simple reminder of a goal that should be shared by all parents. As our children grow up and are able to decide what to do and who to do it with we should hope that we will be a viable option for them. If you wonder if you would be on your child’s buddy list for a special event ask yourself this question- “Is my child on my buddy list?”  If you don’t choose their company chances are they won’t choose yours!

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Discouraged by Yelp! More on Dealing With Discouragement

 Recently I discovered a rather brutal review of my practice on Yelp. (You can go read it if you are so inclined.) In this mother's opinion I am a great evil and a threat to children. Her words hurt. I try so hard to love the patients in my practice, especially the children. It was clear that in her case I failed miserably. Discouragement raised its head, as did anger and fear. What could I do?

A key for dealing with and preventing discouragement in Hebrews 12 is found in verse 1. The writer says, “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that clings so closely” (ESV).

Every weight- some things just weight us down in our the race of life. For me, the things that slow me down and discourage me include doubt, fear and past hurts.

Past hurts have been particularly hard for me at times. I have been let down by so many people- parents, friends, an even in the church often frequently by pastors and leaders. To quote those great theologians Simon and Garfunkle, “it's the same old story, everywhere I go, I've been slandered, libeled, I hear words I never hear in the Bible!”.

When I dwell on these things. I feel like quitting. Who wants to keep running when it seems you are just running into pain? But God says that we can't hang on to these things.

We have to lay them aside.

The English term “lay aside” is a little softer than what I think the original Greek word implies. I think “Throw far away” might be better. We need to throw these things far away from us, far enough away that they can't slow us down.

This is not easy. Especially for someone like me who suffers from anxiety disorder. I cling to hurts instead of throwing them away. Worse, my anxiety disorder can make little things hurt a lot.

So what could I do with Yelp! induced pain? I shared it with others, received encouragement, and set it aside. I decided to just do the best I could to keep loving and serving my patients, learn from the mistake and went on.

Where in the past I would have dwelt on it for days or weeks, I moved on. As I did I realized that I was not perfect, and that this is okay with God, and with many of my patients. I focused on the smiles and positive interactions gained hope. By setting the pain aside and focusing on the positive a discouragement that before would have lasted a while faded away.

Is there something you need to lay aside? Do it! Sometimes letting go is the first step in moving on!

This is the third post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Discouraged? There is help! Dealing with Discouragement Part 2

Fear and discouragement are common. I learned a lesson on how to deal with it in an unexpected location- a huge rock in Waimea Bay.

I was paralyzed with irrational fear. There I was, standing on the edge of a boulder that jutted out into Waimea Bay on the North Shore of Hawaii. It was about a 25 foot drop to the water, and at my son's urging I had followed him and several other illiterate tourists up the rock. (I say illiterate because we had all ignored the large sign that read “Warning- do not climb or jump off of rock” on our way to the jump off point!). I had stood in line as one by one people jumped off the edge into the water. My son had done it several times already and had assured me it would be fun. When I got to the edge and looked down I was suddenly reminded of my rather intense fear of heights. In an instant I was transformed from a bold 45 year-old physician into a frightened 5 year old. I could not move. After several seconds I staggered back of few feet to gather myself. As I did I caught the eye of the man who was behind me in the line. He was a slender man who looked to be in his 70's. He shook his head pitifully at me and then joyfully jumped in the water.

He was followed by a little girl of about 8. She gave me a similar look and shake of the head before she took the plunge. Embarrassed that an elderly man and a little girl were unafraid I looked over the edge into the water. I quickly observed that neither they nor my son were floating dead in the water. Taking encouragement from those that had gone before me I took a deep breath and jumped.

My son was a liar. There was nothing fun about the experience. At all. In fact, the landing was painful. Yet, like everyone else, I had made it, and learned the lesson on overcoming fear and discouragement that the writer of Hebrews 12 wanted his readers to understand.

According to the writer of Hebrews 12, a source of encouragement and endurance in the race of life is the testimony of those who have gone before us. In chapter 11 he shared a lengthy list of heroes who through faith had accomplished great things and been delivered from incredible trials. He shared those stories to help us gain confidence that the God will guide and strengthen us in the same way.

He described those heroes as being so numerous as to be “a great cloud of witnesses.” So many witnesses, testifiers to the faithfulness of God, that we are surrounded in every direction, so many that as we consider their stories we cannot help but be encouraged.

I don't think that encouraging tales of faith heroes are limited to the names in chapter 11. Most of us have been blessed with people in our life who have gone before and faithfully completed the race. For me, my in-laws are those kind of heroes.

My father-in-law, Chuck, was an amazing man of faith. Not the “stand on a street corner preach the gospel” kind of faith, but the much more significant “faithfully use the gifts God has given me” kind of faith. He died at the age of 75, and by all rights should have died 25 years earlier when a massive heart attack left him unresponsive for over 7 minutes. God was not done with him then, and he lived that truth out with vigor for the rest of his days. He could always be counted on to serve, to fix, to build, and to be there when needed. Three days before he died he delivered shelves he had refurbished to my office. He was facing open heart surgery and he did not want the promised shelves to wait for his recovery  so he plowed through the twinges of angina to fulfill his promise. That was Chuck Rehm.

The night before the surgery, which he did not survive, two pastors came to pray. One of them asked him how he was doing. His simple statement, “I am ready,” was and is a powerful statement of his faith. God had been faithful to Him his whole life and he trusted his whole life to God. He met his Maker without fear. he remained faithful to the end.

My mother-in-law, Shirley, is also remarkable. I don't know why I expected differently, but when she lost the true love of her life she did not quit. 8 years later she still serves as a volunteer counselor at the church and continues to be a prayer warrior. My children say that when you really need prayer, call Grandma.

Their sustaining faith is an encouragement to me, and they make up the most visible part of the great cloud of witnesses that surround me. God has sustained them throughout their lives and this encourages me to trust him in the same way.

They remind me of how important it is to maintain relationships with those who are going before, and to remember the stories of those who are gone. I am encouraged by the tangible proof in their stories that God is faithful.

Discouraged? You can make it. God is there and He has demonstrated His desire and willingness to help you in the lives of others who have been through similar circumstances. Reach out to those people and ask for help. If you need encouragement and do not know where to find it. Contact me through the blog. Or call me at the office 714-960-4500. I will call you back!

This is the second post of a series on Dealing with Discouragement. If you have been touched by these posts, please share them with a friend. If you would like to subscribe to this blog and receive future posts by email, click on the subscribe link. Beneath my photo upper right on a computer screen or scroll to the bottom on your mobile device.

Finally- there is a new Small Group Study Guide for my book! It is available for free on the "book" page. For a limited time I am offering the book free to any interested small group!