What to do When You are Offended

Jokes are dangerous. One person's humor is another person's sore spot. To be more specific, my humor is usually someone else's sore spot. It has gotten me into trouble time and again.

A few years ago I was seeing a child for a well visit. I really liked the family and looked forward to every interaction. In an attempt to relate to the mom, who had immigrated to the US from Iran, I made what was apparently a poorly worded comment about how glad she must be to not live in that country given the oppressive nature of the government there.

I say apparently because I had no idea that I was saying anything appropriate. I knew I was not racist because I had such fondness for the family, but this did not matter to the mother. She was offended. A few days layer an angry letter came in the mail informing me that they were transferring their care to another doctor.

I was taken aback by her words. I wondered, "How can one poorly worded comment cancel out years of relationship?"

It seems to me that the answer is simple. To the mom, words she found offensive were more important than relationships with others. How sad that is.

What is even sadder is that the mom is not in the minority in this regard. I have seen responses like hers on many occasions, especially on social media. Someone makes a poorly worded comment in a Facebook post and soon the comment feed is filled with the vitriolic critique of the offended. Frequently the expressed remarks did not even directly impact the person offended!  It does not matter. The poster said something "wrong" and correction must be administered sternly and swiftly.

Frequently when this happens relationship is lost, sometimes permanently. Like the mom above, relationship has become secondary to perceived offense. 

The truth is that our response when we are offended says much more about us than it does about the person who offended us!

So how should we respond? We find a good answer in Proverbs 19:11- "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense."

We shouldn't respond at all! What a concept! According to Scripture, overlooking an offense is the most honorable action we can take. Something to remember the next time we get ticked off!

-Bart

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Coming Saturday, a provocative post- "What wouldn't Jesus do?" prepare to get your feathers ruffled!

6 Characteristics of a Great Dad

I did not grow up knowing what it meant to  be loved by a father. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I only saw my father a few times a year.  My step-father was a violent alcoholic who was incapable of love. It was not until I was married and observed my father-in-law that I saw what the love of a great man could do in the life of a child. As I remember him this Father's Day it seems appropriate to share what I have learned about being a dad. 

Great Dads-

1- Seek out opportunities to spend time with their children. I have seem many dads who view time with their children as an obligation to be met. Once they have spent a little time with their kids they are then allowed to do what they want. Great dads want to spend time with their kids.

2- Embrace the imperfections of their kids. The Apostle Paul in the book of Ephesians instructed fathers to “not exasperate their children.” Exasperate means to annoy or get on the nerves. Dads who continually berate and harangue their kids are doing it wrong. Kids need love and grace and to know that their father's love will always be there no matter what.

3- Get interested in what their kids are interested in. This is not easy, but it is important. When my son was in junior high I learned a lot about video games, going so far as to get my own Xbox account (Gamertag: ISOSUCKATTHIS). With my daughter I learned to watch the Disney channel and listen to the Jonas Brothers and One Direction.

4- Are home for dinner whenever possible. The importance of a nightly meal together can not be overstated.

5- Are consistent. They keep their promises and do not make idle threats. They are loyal and faithful.

6- Love their wives. The most important thing any dad can do is love, respect and remain faithful to the mother of his children.

Have a great dad? Tell others about him in the comments. Let us know what made him special. As always, please share this post with your friends!

Coming next week- "What to do when you are offended"

The Dumbest Injury EVER- and what we can learn from it.

My vote for the dumbest injury in the world is the Boxer's Fracture, or a fracture of the 5th metacarpal bone in the hand (the bone that connects the pinky finger to the wrist). The name describes how the injury occurs. Someone, usually with no boxing skill whatsoever, punches something or someone. Their aim is bad and they connect with the outside knuckle and SNAP goes the metacarpal. Whenever I see the fracture my first question is, “What did you hit?” The answers are usually sheepish, as the injury is usually accompanied with an excess of alcohol, anger or both. I say usually sheepish because of one patient I saw a few years ago. He was in his 30's and had punched a wall in anger.

I started to question him about his anger, explaining that if his anger could cause him to break his hand then he might want to do something about it. He was defiant. When I asked him if he got angry with his wife and kids he proudly responded that he did, but because he only yelled and did not hit anyone it was not a problem. With set jaw he declared, “I am not that bad of a dad!”

“Is that your goal?” I asked. “To be a not too bad dad? I would think that you would want to be a good father, someone your kids look up to.”

I should not have been surprised at his angry response, but I was.

“I don't come to you for advice, I came so you could fix my hand!”

“Well, as a Family Doctor I take care of the whole person and the whole family and I know that anger can damage families.”

“What do you know?”

And that was that. All I knew at that time was what I had learned in 20 years of medical practice, 30 years of marriage and 22 years of parenting. All I knew was that I had seen a lot of anger, been raised by abusive parents in an anger filled home, learned (the hard way) how to deal with my own anger and managed to build relationships with my kids and wife. To him, none of that mattered. To him, my opinions and experiences were no better than his, and his broken hand did nothing to change his mind.

After he left I reflected back on my own experience with anger, remembering the words of a pastor friend who had shared of his own struggles with anger. His simple statement-“Anger. Never. Works.” resonated with me in a powerful way. I listened to his counsel and swore off anger and changed the way I disciplined my children. It was a life changing realization and I learned it from someone else. I learned it because I was willing to listen to someone else. On my own I may have never learned it.

There is a natural tendency to not want to listen to others, to think that we can figure it out on our own. It is natural, but it is wrong and it is foolish. The writer of the Proverb nails it-

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." Prov 12:15 ESV

Let's be wise.

Coming soon- "6 Characteristics of a Great Dad" spoiler alert: Yelling and hitting walls don't make the list! Remember to share the posts you like with friends and to share your thoughts in the comments.

Why I am a hateful Christian

Sometimes it seems we live in a bubble, unaware of what many others are thinking about us. This reality was brought to my attention on a recent trip to Sacramento. I didn't know it, but I learned on that trip that I am a hateful Christian!

That's me on the left!

 I had joined some other leaders in my medical community on a trip to lobby members of the state legislature. At the end of the lobbying day we all gathered for refreshments while we waited for our rides to the airport. I sat across from a female internal medicine doctor I had just met on the trip. We were having a casual conversation in the hotel bar with several other doctors around us, me with my diet coke, others with their cocktails. After she made a Jewish toast with a colleague I asked about her faith tradition, assuming she was Jewish. She called herself a protestant Christian, and then asked me about my faith.

“I would be classified as an Evangelical Christian,” I replied.

“Oh,” was the response, “So where do you stand on the social issues of the day?”

“I am conservative,” I answered, “What social issue did you have in mind?”

“Same sex marriage.”

“I do not believe in it,” was my straightforward response.

Her next words caught me a little by surprise. “So God is a God of hate, not a God of love.”

Just like that.

A long conversation followed. It consisted of her repeatedly attacking traditional Christianity as hateful and me calmly deflecting her assertions.

What really struck through it all was how willing she was to belittle traditional Christian beliefs as being nothing other than thoughtless and hateful. To her Evangelical Christianity is a force for evil in the world. She could not think of anything positive about it.

Her claims brought to mind the saying, “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” World Vision, Samaritan's Purse, The International Justice Mission and countless other Christian organizations work tirelessly around the world to defend the defenseless and help the helpless. These groups are rescuing women and children from sexual slavery, feeding the poor, digging wells to provide safe water, sheltering orphans, loving those dying of AIDS, and proclaiming the gospel. To this physician these things are irrelevant and a sham. Evangelical Christians are hateful because we hold to the Biblical teaching that marriage was ordained by God to be a covenant relationship between a man and a woman. To her it is this that defines our faith.

What I find most fascinating about this discussion is how it demonstrates the true nature of the problem Christians face as we try to engage our culture. The culture claims that we are obsessed with depriving homosexuals of their rights and that we are therefore hateful.

The truth is totally different. True followers of Christ are obsessed with Jesus. I know I am obsessive about my own sin, my own need for a Savior and my need to be more like Him every day. I for one view homosexuals as no different than anyone else. We are all broken people, damaged by sin, our natural tendency to do things our way instead of God's. We all need a Savior, and we all need to allow Him to change us into the people He wants us to be. We need to allow Him to define us, allow Him to determine what aspects of our nature need to be redeemed, refined, rejected and rebuilt, doing so in faith that our eternal condition and happiness infinitely outweighs our current circumstances and desires.

That God is more concerned about our eternal joy than our temporary pleasure reveals Him to be a God of love. It is only when we reject the promise of eternity that we can claim Him to be otherwise.

Enjoy the blog? Please "Share" it by clicking a button below. Want to receive post sin your email? Sign up by clicking the link on the page (or at the bottom on your mobile device). Coming next- "The Dumbest Injury- EVER"

Want to Avoid Trouble? Here's How-

Some things in life are complicated, most aren't. The Bible gives simple and straightforward advice on how to avoid trouble, advice I haven't followed nearly enough.

My residency in Family Medicine began with a week-long orientation. We toured the hospital and clinic, were assigned our desks, given our pagers and completed a two day course in "advanced cardiac life support." All of the interns were nervous as we were  going to be primarily responsible for the medical care of real patients for the first time in our lives.
Every person has their own unique way of dealing with nerves and jitters and my way of cracking jokes was not well received. On the third day of orientation I was summoned to the office of the program director for a stern discussion. He was afraid that I was going to embarrass him and the program with my irreverent attitude!
While I was actually very serious about my training (and would go on to be recognized as the Outstanding Resident on graduation), my loquaciousness made others uncomfortable. Had I been wiser I would have worked harder at controlling my tongue.
Looking back I can see that my lack of tongue control has been at the root of the vast majority of my problems in life. I also see that this shouldn't have been difficult to figure out, for the writer of Proverbs made it pretty clear thousands of years ago-
"Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut." Proverbs 10:19

Advice we need to take to heart!

Coming on Friday- "Why I am a Hateful Christian" I don't think I am, and try to be anything but, but to some people the beliefs that have shaped my life are considered to be hateful now. Are you a hateful person? Check back in a few days to find out.

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