How to avoid arguing with your teenager!

Parent-teenager conflicts are common. I have lost count of the number of times a parent has come to me at their wit's end wondering what to do with a teenager who wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t shut up, or was uncontrollably defiant. Regardless of the specifics of the conflict, all of the conflicts share a common theme. The teenager and the parent disagree about the teen’s behavior and attitudes. The parents want change and the teen sees no need or has no desire to change. A careful review of each of these conflicts has taught me that they are almost always predictable and preventable.

I say predictable because of what we know to be true about human nature. At the core of each person is a desire for self-determination, the need to be in charge of one’s own destiny. No one I have ever met wants to spend their entire life being told by someone else how they should live. This natural tendency begins to blossom at puberty, quickly peaking by the high school years. We all went through it and we all experienced the feelings of frustration when our parents told us to do things we didn’t want to do, so we should not be surprised when our kids have the same feelings.

I say preventable because if we are aware of the above tendency and prepare ourselves and our children for it we can avoid many of these confrontations. In a surprising fit of wisdom many years ago I had preparatory conversations with my children about this that resulted in remarkably conflict-free high school years.

I sat down with each child (in a moment of peace and harmony, NOT right after a blow up!) and told them what the future would bring, sharing each of the points below-

1. It is natural for ALL children to desire independence and to do things their own way.

2. It is natural to want to push back against the rules and wishes of your parents.

3. Natural does not necessarily mean good and right. (In fact, as Christians we believe that our nature is to be selfish and do wrong much of the time)

4. One of a parent’s key jobs during adolescence is to help their child recognize when their natural desires are leading them astray.

5. If the desire to push back and challenge authority is not controlled it will be very hard to succeed in life. (I shared with them that if a future boss asked them to do a task and was met with rolling eyes, a sigh and a “Why, me?” they would soon be out of a job!)

6. To help them succeed in life I was going to make sure that we dealt with this problem as soon as it appeared. In order to help them learn how to deal with these situations, whenever this natural tendency showed up I would remind them of this conversation. Instead of saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” I would say, “Remember how we talked that it was natural to challenge but not right and good? This is one of these times. I want you to take a break and step back and think of a better way to handle this.”

7. If they didn't take that step back and find a way to better handle it their emotions I would make sure there was a consequence, because this was a very important lesson.

8. Finally- I promised them that there would be a number of times when, just like a future boss, my position would possibly be wrong or stupid and, also just like their future boss, they would have to do it anyway!

This worked amazingly well over the years. I think what made it most effective was my children understood that it was about them being the type of person they wanted to be (successful and with good relationships) and not about them being under my thumb. It may not work for everyone, but I have been told by many parents that this approach has helped them!

- Bart

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The Importance of Doing What You Must.

“Don’t feel obligated.” I have said these words often to my employees when I ask them to do something extra. I say it because I do not want them to feel coerced or pressured to do something they do not want to so. Recently I have concluded that I am unintentionally sending another message when I use these words, a message that reveals something troubling about American culture- we think feeling obligated is a bad thing. We are wrong. People who only do what they want are very selfish people!

Not too long ago I was awakened at 4:00 on a Saturday morning by a message from my answering service. A patient of mine was in the emergency room with severe pain and significant urinary bleeding. The 43 year-old woman thought she was having the symptoms of a kidney stone and went to the ER in hopes of finding relief. The routine CAT scan revealed something much worse than a kidney stone. She had a tennis ball sized tumor in her kidney. The ER doctor was calling at 4 AM to discuss possibly admitting her to the hospital. As she was medically stable and it was highly unlikely that any surgery would be done that weekend we agreed that she could be sent home. I hung up the phone and prepared to go back to sleep.

The thought then came, “Should I go to the hospital?” There was no medical reason to go. She was stable and would be sent home. There was no medical treatment I could give. More thoughts came. She had been a patient for over 15 years. I had delivered one of her children and had cared for her and her kids for years. A devout Christian, I knew she looked up to me and trusted me. I also knew that she would be frightened and in need of comfort, of a type no other doctor could give. She needed her Family Doctor.

I sat for a few moments and debated what to do. I had not been sleeping well for several nights and desperately needed sleep. I told myself that no other doctor would go in to see a patient at that hour. In spite of my best efforts I could not shake the thought that I needed to go whether I wanted to or not. Somewhat begrudgingly I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and headed to the hospital.

After showing my badge to the ER clerk I made my way to her room. When I pulled back the curtain and entered she began to cry,“I told my husband that if Dr. Barrett walks in I will know it is bad,” she said. She trusted me so much, believed in me so much, that she was sure that if it was serious I would be there for her. She understood my need to listen to my heart, perhaps even more that I understood it. The fact that it was a sense of duty and obligation that caused me to come, that my heart was not fully cooperating when I left home did not matter. A sense of obligation began the process, my heart followed behind. Nevertheless my heart did follow. Her words erased any doubts that remained, I needed to be there.

I was not there long, just long enough to review her history, give her a hug and pray for her, but I was there long enough to make a difference. As I left I reflected on the truth that feeling obligated is not such a bad thing after all. Sometimes a sense of obligation is the first step in doing the right thing.

Why I can't Stand Kim Kardashian

When “I Love Lucy” hit the air in the 1950’s, Lucy and Desi had twin beds in their bedroom. It was considered inappropriate to show that a couple shared a bed, even when married! Watching TV today I marvel at how far we have fallen.

I recently changed stations while watching a new medical drama. I did not watch the show very long, but it did not take long to see that it had no moral standards at all. One of the plot lines revolved around two female friends, one of them who had just learned that the other was intimately involved with her ex-boyfriend. She asked her friend, “Why didn’t you tell me you were sleeping with him?” The friends reply, “Because we are not that serious.” Channel turned.

What does it say about a society when the single greatest act of physical intimacy is so meaningless?

It is so meaningless to Americans that we now make celebrities out of people whose only talent seems to be a willingness to buy expensive clothes and then take them off in front of a camera! (See Kardashian, Kim)

Those of us who care about marriage and family have a huge challenge ahead of us as we work to educate our children in the importance of morality and celebrity. We can start by being truthful about our culture and by celebrating those who manage to be faithful and moral, and by teaching our children that God values our insides, not our backsides!

- Bart

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Firm Rules that Make Life Better... and Easier!

I have been a faculty member in Family Medicine for the University of California, Irvine School of Medicine for 20 years. I have taught many students over the years and have been told that I have a reputation for being one of the most demanding teachers in the Medical School. I give more and longer reading assignments, have much higher expectations and am much more critical of student performance. In spite of this I am also told that students love the time they spend in my office. How can this be?

I think it is because everything I ask and everything I do when I teach is directed toward one goal- helping students become the best doctor they can be. The reading assignments are relevant and directly related to the patients and conditions they encounter. My high expectations are based in the belief that they probably know more and can do more than they give themselves credit for, and are geared to helping them perform not as students but as doctors. My criticisms are honest, direct and truthful, and are delivered with an absence of condescension. In this context students progress rapidly and see tangible growth over time. What initially might be thought to be a burden ends up being a blessing.

I wonder if this is analogous to meaning of the words of the beloved apostle John who wrote, “This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.” 1 John 5:3-4 NIV

The commandments of God are not burdensome because they are not limiting but freeing. They do not keep us from experiencing the world but instead allow us to break free of its enticements and bondage and to experience the joy that only God can offer. That which to some might seem a burden ends up being a blessing. It is all a matter of perspective!

- Bart

Don't Make this Mistake in Marriage

I recently heard a devastating report about a Christian man I have known for a long time. A successful businessman who has been married for many years, I had always believed him to be a faithful man who was dedicated to his wife. I was wrong.

It seems that he fell  into a common internet trap. As it was the direct result of an immoral act on his part he could not blame anyone else for his mistake. He followed a link about meeting single women, going so far as to actually meet with someone. Common sense finally kicked in during that meeting and he went no further, but he went far enough to reveal disturbing and hurtful truths about his character and his thinking.

Beyond the obvious moral failings in his actions was the greater moral failing of his thoughts and attitudes toward his wife. In the statements on his profile and with his subsequent actions he declared to the world that his wife was not enough for him. He needed more. He deserved more and he wanted more.

How devastating this must have been to her. Any feelings of adequacy and security must have evaporated in an instant. I wonder if now when she looks in the mirror she is frightened by the changes age has brought or if she lies awake at night wondering what she did wrong. Even though her husband may not have committed the physical act of adultery the wounds to her heart are likely to leave permanent scars.

As I think about their story I naturally reflect on my own marriage and am grateful for a blessing that is often overlooked by others, the blessing of contentment. I am completely fulfilled in my marriage. My wife is all I need, all I want and all I could ever want. She is everything and more to me and she knows it. Because I am content I feel no need to look elsewhere, no reason to think the grass is greener beyond any fence.

I am of the opinion that contentment in a marriage is one of the greatest gifts a spouse can give. It brings peace and security to both husband and wife. Its absence  indicates deep problems in the relationship. If you are not content in your marriage, take a step back and ask yourself, "Why not?" As you do, don’t look at what is wrong with your spouse, look at what is wrong with yourself. Why do you want more? Why are you not satisfied with the spouse God has given you?

If you want to gain or maintain contentment in your marriage, take time every day to thank God for your spouse. Make a list of all of the blessings in your life that have come from your husband or wife, making sure that number 1 on the list is- “Thank you God, that they put up with me!”

- Bart

PS: Today marks 32 years of Lisa putting up with me! What a blessing! If you have been touched by this post in any way, please share it with others. You never have to miss a post, you can have them all delivered to your email by subscribing to the blog! Just click on the subscribe button. (upper right on a computer, at the bottom on an ipad or smartphone)