Sex, Marriage and Waiting. Adultery Part 3

I have seen in my medical practice the emotional pain that results from broken sexual relationships. The damage I have observed supports the idea that the sexual bond is exclusively designed for marriage. The oneness of flesh created by a sexual union is meant to endure. When couples break the bond much harm is done. 

I have seen many young people troubled with the intense emotional pain brought on by the loss of a girlfriend or boyfriend who had been their first sexual partner. When they are mature enough to be able to express themselves they have told me of the profound sense of loss. Deep sadness came when they realized that they had given away something they had hoped to share with their life’s one true love. Many times they had given themselves away in the belief that they had found their soul mate, only to discover they had lost something they could never get back. 

One particular young lady comes to mind. I can recall the visit when she shared her grief. Then twenty-one, she had just been dumped by her boyfriend of the previous five years. He had been her first and only sexual relationship. To her, that was something special. She had thought that he was her life mate, her future husband; yet now that was clearly not to be. She felt used, shamed, and less womanly. She thought she was damaged and less attractive to other men. She had fallen into a major depression that was worsened by an associated anxiety disorder. She required significant doses of medication just to function each day. 

The medication helped her get through each day, but it did not deaden the emotional pain she was suffering. Her emotional pain left her with two choices. She could acknowledge the truth that she had made a serious error in giving herself to her boyfriend, or she could tell herself that sexual relationships were normal when dating and therefore no cause for shame. She knew the truth and was struggling with its ramifications. She had made a grave mistake, one that could be forgiven yet never undone. 

This young woman’s loss illustrates the seriousness of sexual immorality prior to marriage. When people give themselves away before marriage, their future marriage loses a degree of intimacy. A secret told to many people isn’t really a secret, and when the most intimate act known to mankind is shared with many people, it loses some of its power. I have seen many promiscuous individuals who were later unable to sustain intimate relationships. The powerful bond intended by God was so weakened by casual sex that it appeared lost forever. Waiting is important!

- Bart

This is the third of an 8-part weekly series on Adultery and Faithfulness taken from my book on the 10 Commandments, Life Medicine. You can have the future posts delivered straight to you email inbox by subscribing to the blog, just click on the link. I am currently teaching through the book at a church in Fullerton. Videos of the lessons are available at my vimeo page, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett . 

A Doctor Gets Fired Over a Dog

I had been there for her through her treatments for infertility,a long and  painful recovery from a motorcycle accident and a divorce. Our doctor-patient relationship lasted for over 15 years. It ended over a dog.

Even though she already had a dog, she moved into a new apartment that did not allow pets. Rather than find a new apartment or a new home for her dog she decided to have me write a letter saying that her dog was necessary for her mental health. She was happy with her dog and would be sad without it, which to her thinking meant that her dog was medically necessary. She scheduled an appointment specifically to get the letter.

As nicely as I could I informed her that it was my policy to never write letters for therapy pets. I explained that while pets do provide comfort that is not the same as a pet being medically necessary. As most of the requests I received were from patients who had not been previously diagnosed with a mental disorder I was concerned that I many of the requests were not genuine. As I did not want to make false or incorrect statements it was my policy to ask patients to direct these requests to their therapist or psychiatrist.

She was livid. Her voice rose as she sternly replied, “If you do not write me this letter I will find another doctor.” Never one to give in to threats, I wished her the best of luck with her new physician.

Requests such as hers have become increasingly common as more and more people have discovered the “letter from your doctor” loophole to pet exclusions. Privacy laws prohibit the disclosure of patient information to potential landlords so there is no way for anyone to confirm that a therapy dog is truly necessary. Many eager to please or afraid to offend doctors have joined in the deceit.

I realize that there are people who feel calmer and more secure when accompanied by a pet but I wonder if our society has not taken things too far. We have reached the point where people are averse to even the slightest discomfort. The feelings and comfort of others are ignored as personal desires have become God given rights. People are taking “therapy dogs” on airplanes, supermarkets and shopping malls. I have even seen them at Disneyland. (I would think that being at the “Happiest Place on Earth” would be therapy enough!) 

I have decided that it is not my duty to cater to every desire my patients express and that sometimes saying, “No” is the right response. I consider it a form of therapy.

-          Bart

Comments and questions are welcome. Click the subscribe button to have future posts delivered to your email inbox. The next post, coming on Monday, is the continuation of my series on the evil of adultery. Finally,  Yes those are my dogs in the picture! 

Marriage Matters. Cheating Destroys. Adultery Part 2

Adultery is a terrible sin. Acquiring a  full understanding of the sin of adultery and the commandment against it cannot be gained without first understanding of God’s plans for marriage and sexuality. Like an ink stain on a white blouse (or a blood stain on a white lab coat!), when we grasp the beauty, holiness, and intimacy God intended for marriage and all that marriage represents and symbolizes, the sin of adultery can be seen as the tragedy it is.

When we read the story of Adam and Eve it is clear that God had beautiful intentions for marriage from the beginning. The language that God used to describe the bond between this first man and his wife gives us insight into God’s design for the marriage relationship.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Gen 2:24–25)

In this brief passage we see that the initiation of the marital bond is characterized by two processes. First, the individual separates from his or her parents, permanently altering the structure of that previous relationship. The parents are no longer to be the primary source of intimacy, affection, and encouragement. The connection with the parent is replaced by a new and more powerful bond, the bond with the spouse. The passage explains that this leaving of parents and uniting to one’s spouse is at the heart of God’s plan for marriage. The terminology used to describe this new family, “They will become one flesh,” is incredibly powerful.

The second process in the formation of the marital bond is the cleaving, or uniting together, of the man and his wife. God proclaimed that the two individuals would become “one flesh.” The bond between husband and wife is so strong, the couple so united, that there is a blurring of individual boundaries. God intended there to be oneness of purpose, heart, thought, and of physical intimacy, even while individual personalities remained.

The oneness of the marital relationship between man and woman is unlike any other. The depths of commitment and love that should characterize this union are far beyond that seen in any other relationship. Implicit in this oneness is that there are aspects of marriage that are unique. There are things shared between a husband and wife that are not, and in truth should not, be shared with anyone else. I know this to be true in my own marriage. My wife knows many things about me that nobody else does. She knows things about me physically and emotionally that I have never shared with anyone else. This is the very definition of intimacy.

The incredible intimacy of the marital bond finds its ultimate expression in the act of sexual intercourse. The bond of sexual intimacy is the tangible, physical expression of the oneness of flesh that God designed. I believe the primary intent of the sexual act, the primary reason God created sexual intimacy, is to form a physical bond that holds a relationship together. Although sexual intimacy happens to be both pleasurable and the means of procreation, neither of these ends represents the ultimate purpose of the sexual union.

The ultimate purpose is stated in Genesis 2. Two individuals join and become one flesh. Sexual intimacy unites a man and a woman in a powerful way. So powerful is the bond that significant emotional harm results when a sexual relationship dissolves.

In the next post we will explore this harm more deeply.

- Bart

This is part two in a multi-part series on adultery taken from my book, Life Medicine. Your comments and thoughts are welcomed, and shares are appreciated. If you want to receive the rest of the posts in this series in your email, subscribe to the blog. Churches interested in using the book for small group study can contact me to receive books at cost. A small group study guide is available through the book page on this website. 

Helping our Children Make Good Choices

All good parents share a common trait. We worry. We worry about what our kids might do and what they won’t do, about what they will be and who they will be with. We worry about the types of people they will be and the choices they will make. “Make good choices!” is a near universal parental admonition. But what are good choices and how do we make them?

This question came to mind recently as a chatted with a long term patient at the end of the visit. He was the last appointment of the morning so I had to time to chat at the end of the visit and ask how his children were doing. They were both at the edge of adulthood and he talked about his desire that they do well in life. I knew he had put effort into being a good father and had tried to give his children wise counsel. He told me that the words, “make good choices” had crossed his lips on many occasions.

I talked about parenting my own children (both who have reached adulthood) and how I had given them similar counsel over the years. One difference between us was that as a result of our faith our family shared an understanding of what good choices were. Right and wrong were not defined in the heat of the moment nor dependent on the particular circumstances in which we found ourselves. Right and wrong, for our family, have been consistently defined according to scripture.

Right and wrong were also regularly discussed in our home. My wife and I long ago took to heart the words of Moses in Deuteronomy 6 when he told the people of Israel that God’s word and the principles therein were to be discussed and applied as an ongoing part of daily life. Discussions of truth, of what was right and wrong, were common and made their way into conversations at dinner, while waiting in lines at Disneyland, on car trips and during walks in the park. The result was that when faced with moral decisions our children did not struggle to determine what the right path was. It was something that they already knew and understood.

Families like ours are increasingly rare. In American culture people have moved away from the moral clarity of scripture to the moral relativism of secular humanism. While definitions of right and wrong were once commonly understood and rarely questions they are now subjective, momentary, individual and abstract. The result is a generation of children who lack a moral compass and who define rightness not according to an enduring standard but as feeling good about something at a particular moment in time. In the absence of a defined standard "making good choices" becomes impossible.

We do best as parents when we not only encourage our children to do right but teach them what rightness is and from whence it comes. When our children understand these truths making good choices can become a reality.

-          Bart

Thanks for reading! Comments and questions are welcomed. Remember to share the blog with friends and that you can subscribe to the blog to have posts delivered by email, including the next post, part 2 in a series on adultery, Marriage Matters, Cheating Destroys

Cheaters Gonna Cheat. A Post on Adultery

Over 30 million men were actively looking to commit adultery. Hackers recently published online the client list of the adultery website Ashley Madison.  Included in the list of names were famous people, several pastors and ministry leaders. Sadly, this did not surprise me. Sexual sin is all to common. As I reflected on the Ashley Madison story, and of the recent moral failures of a national ministry leader I know, I was again reminded of how terrible adultery is. In light of these events in seemed appropriate to share my thoughts on sexual indiscretion and how to avoid it. What follows is excerpted from the chapter on adultery in my book, Life Medicine.

 In nearly two decades of practice as a family physician I have seen multiple cases of adultery and immorality. As with cancer, heart disease, and asthma, it is a condition constantly on the increase. It is a sad truth that when pondering the introduction to this essay the challenge wasn’t coming up with an example, it was deciding which story to use.

I have seen adultery rear its head in many different families, in many different circumstances. I have seen infidelity in people married a short while and I have seen it in people married for over twenty years. I have seen it in religious people and in atheists. I have seen husbands who were unfaithful within a few weeks of the birth of a first child. I have even had a couple who simultaneously discovered their mutual infidelity. They came to me to treat the anxiety they felt when they had caught each other cheating!

Of all the cases I have seen, the most troubling occurred when I had been in private practice for only a few years. The husband was a pastor of a new church in the same town as my office. It was a young and “hip” church, and he was a young and “hip” pastor, complete with flip-flops and surfer lingo. His wife was the perfect wife. She was pretty, friendly, outgoing, and devout. She headed the women’s ministry for the church and was widely respected and loved by the congregation.

 I first met the couple when she was pregnant with their third child. She had come to me for medical care in the pregnancy. Her seemingly devoted husband was with her at every visit. We talked regularly about issues of faith, and he spoke frequently about what was happening in the church. He never missed an opportunity to demonstrate his faith. When their daughter was born he prayed a dramatic prayer of thanksgiving in the delivery room.

Before long I found myself providing care for many more families in the same church. Once word got out that I was a Christian doctor a veritable stream of church members came my way. I was particularly thrilled that other women came to me for their obstetrical care as I had always loved delivering babies and caring for entire families. Caring for young Christian families was a special added bonus.

Two of the women from the church who came to me for pregnancy care were particularly involved in the church. One was a church administrative assistant who worked in the church office, the other a woman who was actively involved in children’s ministry. They were both young, pretty, and outwardly committed Christians. I had no reason to doubt their faith.

Shortly after the two women gave birth to their children, I learned my confidence in them was misplaced. An epidemic of stress struck their church and several members came to see me, distraught and struggling to deal with terrible news they had recently heard. I was told that the pastor of the church had been forced to resign, accused of having affairs with these two women whose babies I had recently delivered. I heard that one of the women had confessed to her sin, while the other adamantly denied it. The confessor, partly out of shame and partly out of a desire to start over, soon moved out of the area. The woman who maintained her innocence left the church and left my practice, angry at all of those who doubted her integrity. I never saw either one of them as a patient again.

I saw the disgraced pastor soon after the scandal broke and he was remarkably unrepentant. He remained a patient for a while, and continued to talk about future ministry and what he believed God had in store. It was awkward for me, as I desperately wanted to challenge him about what he had done but could not find a way to appropriately work my thoughts and feelings into the context of the medical visit. The opportunity never did present itself. He left my practice a few years later.

The pastor’s wife divorced him, and eventually found a man who loved and cherished her and her children. I have seen her off and on over the years and she seems to have rebuilt her life. The children seem to be doing well but must struggle with the daily reality of divorce and with the residual anger between their mom and dad. The church body recovered much more slowly. Disillusioned, a number of families left the church. Many who stayed struggled with trust and wondered how something so awful could have happened. It took several years for the new pastor to overcome the damage that had been done and for healing to occur.

As the doctor for the pastor, the pastor’s family, the women involved, many church members, and eventually the new pastor and his family, I saw firsthand the magnitude of the damage and harm that occurred. It is one of the greatest tragedies I have seen in all of my years of practice. This case and the others I have witnessed have convinced me that few sins are as damaging as adultery. The impact of the sin reaches far beyond the immoral person or couple. It extends to children, extended family, friends, and colleagues. It is truly a grievous sin.

As painfully obvious as the consequences of adultery are, there are still many people who do not think they need to do anything special to prevent it. I can only surmise that they do not truly understand the damage done by adultery. God considered adultery significant enough to include its prohibition in His Ten Commandments; important enough to write a prescription against it on tablets of stone.

- Bart

This post is the first in a multi-part series on adultery. You can have future posts delivered to your inbox by subscribing to the blog. Comments and questions are welcomed. I am currently teaching through my book , videos are posted on my vimeo site, www.vimeo.com/bartbarrett If you are interested in having me speak to your church or community group I can be reached through the contact page on this site. If you find this or any post valuable please consider sharing it with your friends. it only takes a click!