Parenting Teenagers Stinks, and 7 other things I learned while blogging

You can learn a lot about people by what they read online. For reasons that are not entirely clear to me a significant number of people actually read what I write. Thousands of people to be exact, which is pretty amazing. A quick visit to Google analytics revealed what posts they read and lead me to reach some very non-scientific conclusions-

1-      People struggle with parenting teenagers. It was just my 8th post, but my post “5 principles for parenting a teenager” took off and has been viewed 2,644 times. It was shared on Facebook by people and physicians around the country, which tells me that there are a lot of parents looking for help. I hope they found some in the blog.

2-      Marriage still matters. It matters enough that posts on marriage, “6 Things a Married Person should Never Do” and “Don’t Make this Mistake in Marriage” were the two of the top three posts for the year.

3-      Sex still sells. My post on “Why Have Sex” comes in at number 5 on my most viewed list.

4-      Shared suffering resonates with people. My posts on being disowned by my father and being abused as a child both were in the top 10.

5-      I am terrible at predicting what posts will attract interest. I thought some of my post titles were really clever and would attract a lot of interest, only to see them get almost no notice at all. Two of my personal favorites were “Is Your Church as Good as a Bar” and “Great Advice from Wheel of Fortune.” Both were seen by fewer than 50 people and did not even crack the top 100 of the year!

6-      The Blog has allowed me to help people in ways I never dreamed. A woman from Chicago sent me a heart-breaking message about her dad after reading my post on being disowned. We exchanged several emails and I was able to help her with her perspective.

7-      The blog has truly gone around the globe. Canada, The United Kingdom, Brazil, Egypt, Australia, India, Belgium, Japan and the Philippines are among the countries that had at least 30 different visits to the site. Amazing!

8-      The ability to have an impact through a blog is remarkable. In the first year 17,439 users have totaled 23,948 visits. Very humbling indeed!

Thanks to all who have read the blog, and a special thanks to all who have shared it with their friends. I am especially thankful for those who take the time to comment or share their thoughts. So often I think about quitting, wondering if it is worth the effort, without fail it is then that a kind word comes.

Here is hoping for a successful second year!

Bart 

A Doctor with Serious ADD Issues...

Some people say I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I think it is more information overload. My brain is continually filled to overflowing, swirling and churning with thoughts and ideas. So much so that my employees tell me there are times when I walk away in the middle of a conversation. They say something, I give a reply, and then I walk away when they start to respond. Like a dog who sees a squirrel something grabs my attention and off I go. I am oblivious.

This behavior is rather embarrassing and can lead to harm in relationships. It would be easy for my staff to get hurt feelings, call me a jerk and then complain to others about what an insensitive boss they had. They could use their knowledge of this behavioral flaw to embarrass me. They could, but my current employees don’t.

They do the opposite. Because they know my heart and my desire to do the right thing they not only overlook this fault, they actually take steps to counteract any harm. They cover me and protect me, they have my back. When we have new employees or students in the office they warn them, “Dr. Barrett can be a little ADD at times. It is hysterical, but sometimes he will turn and walk away in the middle of a conversation. Don’t be offended, it’s just him!”

This is what people do when they care about someone. They cover over the flaws of others and protect their weaknesses.

Paul addressed this, saying “Love always protects.” One way to interpret his words is to say that like a roof, love always covers.

This is a characteristic of healthy relationships and particularly of healthy marriages. We look out for one another and step up to defend and protect one another. We do not take advantage of our knowledge of weaknesses to make ourselves look good, instead we intentionally act to keep others safe.

While this is important to do in marriage, it is important in all of our relationships, in our families, our work relationships, our church relationships and friendships. It is not easy, it can be risky, but it is what love does. This raises the question- Are you a protector?

- Bart

This post is the 10th in a series on love, taken from the Bible passage 1 Corinthians 13. Since all of us need to be more loving, consider sharing these blog posts with your friends.

Unhappy Love... Love Part 9

Sometimes it is impossible for me to be happy for others. Not because I am a selfish and uncaring pig, (although at times I can be) but because they are happy about something that I can’t be.

I think of the Christian friend who was excited about being asked to lead a Bible study, I wanted to rejoice with him, but the knowledge that just a year earlier he had been repeatedly unfaithful to his wife, had serious problems with finances and debt and that he still had questionable theology made it rather difficult to be happy!

There have been many times when weddings brought me sadness. Marriages like my mother's third, which paired two people who had not dealt with the mental illness or substance abuse that had caused the previous relationships to fail, or others where a Christian had abandoned their values and beliefs and married outside their faith. They wanted me to be happy for them, but as a person for whom faith is a priority I could not.

This is the reality for people who are true Christians. There are things that other people will rejoice in and celebrate that will make us sad. On these occasions those outside the faith are apt to call us mean and judgmental, to claim that we are prejudiced, bigoted and unloving.

According to the Apostle Paul the opposite is true. Sometimes not rejoicing with others is the embodiment of love! Paul wrote, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” This words had deep meaning to Paul's audience, as earlier in his letter to Corinth he had given them rather stern correction.  In the first verses of 1 Corinthians 5 he wrote, “I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother.You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.” 1 Corinthians 5:1-2 NLT

The church apparently was proud of themselves for being tolerant and accepting! Instead of realizing the truth that there are behaviors that are contrary to God’s law and harmful to those who engage in them, instead of correcting someone whose life was a moral train wreck, they were acting as if everything was okay! Paul, as someone who truly loved the church, would have none of it. He held them accountable. Paul made it clear that love does not accept everything or rejoice in everything. Love rejoices in the truth.

Something to consider! Here is hoping we will love others enough to be truthful!

-          Bart

This is the 9th post in a series on the definitions of love given in the New Testament book of 1 Corinthians. If you have a story of a time loving someone required you to make a stand, let me know in the comments! I ask you to remember that the only way others know about this blog is if you share it!

Forgetting can be Key to Lasting Relationships. Love Part 8

For a guy who is supposed to be smart, I sometimes have a terrible memory. Many conversations with my wife begin with her asking, “Do you remember that time when…” and me replying, “Not at all.” I remember all sorts of numbers- phone numbers, baseball statistics, medication doses and how many representatives there are in Congress, but ask me about a vacation I took 15 years ago and I am likely to draw a blank. I remember medical facts and diagnoses but am terrible at names, so much so that I will at times hide in the store to avoid a patient whose health history I recall but whose name completely escapes me.

While forgetfulness can be a curse, there is one place where a great memory is an even greater curse- relationships. Remembering every wrong is a terrible thing. Sadly, it is also common. I have seen many people who seem to effortlessly recall everything someone has done wrong. It is as if they keep an up to date list in their head and are ready to whip it out whenever needed. I have caught myself doing this on many occasions, particularly with friends in the church.

I think of one friend who has a tendency to over commit. The natural consequence of this over commitment is frequent cancellations and postponements of planned meetings and get-togethers and occasional broken or forgotten promises. If I were to add up all of the times I have been rescheduled or forgotten, I could easily find myself angry and resentful, and our friendship would suffer. According to the Apostle Paul, I would also be an unloving person. Paul wrote that love “keeps no record of wrongs.”

Paul is right. If I continually keep track of every mistake others make, if I save the data up for future use, I will certainly be a jerk. I have made this mistake in the past and the pain that resulted was real. In the early years of my marriage I had to struggle to avoid this trap. As with many newlyweds we were both learning what it meant to be husband and wife. Learning to put your spouse first is not something any of us are practiced in and it takes time to learn the skill. Lisa was far better at this than I was, yet she was not perfect. As I come from an abusive family where hurts are remembered it took effort to not keep score.

Love demands we make that effort, that we not keep a record of the mistakes of others. I think that love actually does the opposite. It remembers the good things others do and focuses on them! 

This is post is the 8th in a series on Love based on 1 Corinthians 13. You can scroll down to read previous posts, or start from the beginning by clicking here. If you have enjoyed these posts, please spread the word by sharing it with others. As always we love to read your comments!

• Bart

A Ticked off Patient and the Dumbest Mistake I ever Made.

The visit was over before it began. Less than 30 seconds into the conversation the patient decided I wasn’t the doctor for him. He turned to his son, said, “let’s go find another doctor!” and headed for the door. I have had patients get angry with me before and even been summarily “fired” by many over the years but this set a record for speed. I have never seen someone get so angry, so quickly, over so little. As they walked out I turned to the medical student who was with me and asked, “What just happened?”

The man had come into my office with his son, who appeared to be in his late teens. According to the schedule they both had come in for physical exams. They were roomed together. Before going into the room I checked and learned that the son was an adult of 19. As privacy is always a concern I decided to see the son apart from his dad. I opened the door of the exam room and addressed the son with a smile, “Congratulations! You just graduated to your own room!” I gestured to the room across the hall and then addressed them both, “as he is an adult I want to see him separately.”

The dad looked annoyed, “Then we will discuss his care together.”

I replied, “That’s up to him, as he is an adult." Noting the look on the dad's face I added, "These aren't my rules, this is the law.”

The dad would have none of it. He was clearly angry as he replied, “You obviously don't have any kids.”

“Actually I do. I am just following the rules.”

And with that came his pronouncement that he was leaving.

After they left the employees and discussed what had happened, in part trying to figure out if I had done anything wrong. No one could understand what set him off. My best guess was that the dad may have been the type of person who always got his way, someone who typically used intimidation and anger to get what he wanted. I didn't give him what he wanted, so he was angry.

As I reflected on his quick anger I thought of other more pleasant interactions with more pleasant people, kind and loving people I have encountered who had good reasons to be mad at me but didn't. The way they responded when things did not go as planned revealed much about their character.

I think of Adelaide. Adelaide is a patient who was the victim of the dumbest mistake I ever made in practice. Several years ago she came in for a trigger thumb injection and a pneumonia shot. The nurse drew up both injections and placed the syringes in the room. I prepared her thumb for injection, reached for a syringe and promptly injected pneumonia vaccine into the tendon. When she winced in pain I realized my error, but not before half of the dose was in. I apologized for my stupidity and prepared for the justifiable anger I was certain was on its way.

It never came.

Adelaide is not an angry person, she is a loving person. She forgave my mistake saying, “These things happen!” They don't happen and shouldn't happen, but Adelaide was understanding.

In her kind and gracious response Adelaide embodied one of the aspects of love described by the apostle Paul, who wrote, “Love is not easily angered.” What a beautiful sentiment. What a standard to aspire to! To be honest, most people who have known me over the years would not  use the phrase "not easily angered" to describe me. This is not something that has accurately described my responses to others. Being annoyed has for years been my natural state, my baseline mood. (Maybe this is why I have been given so many Disney hats, T-shirts and trinkets with Grumpy on them!) For far too long anger has been just beneath the surface, just one small word or deed away from erupting.

It was love that made the difference. When I made it my goal to love others, to see them as God sees them I became more loving and more motivated to letting anger go. The last few years have even seen times when I didn't get angry and my family thought I should have! Love and forgiveness are a much better way to relate to the world.

-Bart

This is Part 7 in a series about Love based on the definitions given in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13. Feel free to share! (Actually, you can even fell obligated to share!) If you have thoughts or questions please share them as well.

You can scroll back through previous posts to update yourself on posts in the series you may have missed, and you can subscribe to the blog to have future posts delivered to your email.